Tell me about Transgenders

I am very confused.
My 17 year old son just came out to me through a letter. He said it's been bothering him for a long time.
He's never shown any real interest in girls because his standards are impossible. He's adamant that he's not gay.

These may seem like silly questions but:
How is being Transgender different than being a cross-dresser?

If he's not into guys, would that make him a lesbian?

I don't see him ever being able to afford treatment for hormones or surgery so ??? I don't even know what to think?

My daughters wouldn't care less about their brothers identity. My oldest daughter is bi. I hypothetically asked my oldest son what his reaction would be and he said he couldn't care less.
How do I help my TG son realize his family isn't going to judge him?

I realize that not all girls are into girly things. But my TG son wants to be a bounty hunter. He's into guns and things traditionally meant for "males". He's aggressive (video games etc). I don't see him as feminine. At All.
How did he come to such a serious conclusion?

What can he expect from society?

What kind of future love life can he expect?

Thanks. I'm sure I'll have a million more questions later. Those are just the ones off the top of my head.

A couple of these have pretty basic answers, so I'll get those out of the way. A crossdresser is someone who's perfectly fine in their own gender but likes to wear the clothes of the other gender for various reasons. Being transgender means you're uncomfortable in your own physical sex and actually doesn't even really require you to have a strong desire to crossdress, though most transgender people do. If he identifies as female and he's into girls then yes, that makes him a lesbian. As for how he came to this conclusion, you're pretty much going to have to talk to him about it. One thing to keep in mind is that not all people who consider themselves transgender might actually be... some people end up starting to transition or getting surgery and then regretting it later. Not that you should just doubt him, but definitely speak to him a bit more thoroughly. Make sure he knows that this is what he really wants, it's a pretty major life decision.

I will reply in-line so I keep my answers straight. Still, most of it was answered in the above post.

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Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I am very confused.
My 17 year old son just came out to me through a letter. He said it's been bothering him for a long time. He probably has been bothered by it a long time. I think I realized it around age five.
He's never shown any real interest in girls because his standards are impossible. He's adamant that he's not gay. Worry about this later. His gender identity is likely female, assuming he is certain about this, and he probably is if he told you. His attractions will be his to deal with, and being gay is not a concern, but happiness is. I am attracted to females, yet I do not consider myself lesbian. I like men, but I don't even think to call myself straight. It's just what it is.

These may seem like silly questions but:
How is being Transgender different than being a cross-dresser? Transgender individuals feel like their outward physical appearance does not match their inner gender identity, i.e. men feel like women inside, and vice versa. It has nothing to do with outward expression, clothes, or sexual preferences. Crossdressers enjoy wearing the clothes of the opposite sex, some sexually and some not. It has nothing to do with how they identify their gender.

If he's not into guys, would that make him a lesbian? Maybe, maybe not. Probably for him/her to decide, and it really should be the last thing to worry about at the moment.

I don't see him ever being able to afford treatment for hormones or surgery so ??? I don't even know what to think? Medical insurance makes it easier but if your son does not have this then hormones can be costly. Some people transition without the aid of hormones, surgeries, or issues. Look over the options and figure out a plan that satisfies your son's needs. And remember, this is a NEED, not a choice. The better your son plans out steps to transition peacefully the better their life will be.

My daughters wouldn't care less about their brothers identity. My oldest daughter is bi. I hypothetically asked my oldest son what his reaction would be and he said he couldn't care less.
How do I help my TG son realize his family isn't going to judge him? The best way to help him understand is simply tell him outright, and then follow through. It will be weird sometimes. These things take time to figure out, and can be scary at the beginning. At the same time, make sure you are true to your own feelings, and say what you mean. Honesty is very important, especially regarding issues like this. Most people keep this a secret for many years before revealing it and it can be terrifying to not have a support system.

I realize that not all girls are into girly things. But my TG son wants to be a bounty hunter. He's into guns and things traditionally meant for "males". He's aggressive (video games etc). I don't see him as feminine. At All. Minds differ. Wants differ. Can't really say more than that. It's okay to be honest with your feelings.

How did he come to such a serious conclusion? It takes a lot of soul searching (hopefully) to figure this out, but really it's something you just know, sort of like the way you know you like chocolate, or that you feel love. It just is. There's rarely choice involved. And if someone tried to dissuade you from your feelings it won't make them go away. It just makes it hurt more.

What can he expect from society? I find most people are accepting, and even curious. There will always be people that don't accept it, and some can be quite rude about it. Best just to spot these people and recognize them for who they are and stay away from them.

What kind of future love life can he expect? With luck, a happy one. There are a lot of people, both men and women who are attracted to transgender people specifically. However, it's best to find someone who is attracted to you (your son) as a person, and not for their gender expression. It's more likely to be a happy relationship with someone who just looks at you for who you are, and not just what lies between your legs.

Thanks. I'm sure I'll have a million more questions later. Those are just the ones off the top of my head.

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Changing gender is not an easy decision. There is pain involved, and a lot of confusing feelings, especially as the individual becomes older before transitioning. The better a support system a person has available the better quality of life they can expect. Be there for your son (daughter, perhaps?), and help them make good choices to lead a happy and fulfilling life. You were already prepared to do this as a parent, anyway.

And ask those questions any time.

I'm not sure if you've seen this thread, but I was just reminded of it, and thought you might find it interesting if not. http://www.dreamviews.com/f48/ask-me...gender-121780/

Oooh, thank you! I completely missed it :)

Sup. Crossdresser here.

First thing you should really do is have him see a specialist. Someone who knows what they're talking about, and have them talk to him about hormone replacement therapy and surgery. This isn't to scare him away, but to get him to know the risks and what can happen during these phases, as well as find out if that's what he really wants.

I realized that taking hormone shots wasn't for me, since I was learning more toward the looks on the outside, rather than the feelings on the inside.

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I realize that not all girls are into girly things. But my TG son wants to be a bounty hunter. He's into guns and things traditionally meant for "males". He's aggressive (video games etc). I don't see him as feminine. At All.
How did he come to such a serious conclusion?

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This is something I don't like. I don't like how people associate certain things with certain genders. But, just because you don't see him doing a lot of feminine things or express how he feels about certain things, doesn't mean he isn't actually doing that in his head. I'm a pretty quiet person, and usually when I go out to the mall with my mom, sister, or cousin, I'll look at clothes and stuff and think to myself that they look "cute" and what not, but I won't actually say anything. This leads people to believe that I don't find girly things to be cute.

I can't answer how he'll be treated in life. There are people who hate others that are "different", then there are those that don't really care what you wear or who you want to be sleeping next to at night.

But as far as his love life goes, there are always clubs and bars that are geared toward LGBT folk.

Thanks for the reply.

Yeah... I realize as open minded as I try to be, I'm still stuck in the Stone Age regarding some things lol *sigh*
I always encouraged my kids to play with whatever toy they wanted to when they were kids (trucks, dolls, didn't matter). He did like a doll for a long time ("My Buddy"). I didn't discourage him and I yelled at anyone who made fun of him for it (adults, his older brother).
I think he told me to pack the doll because of pressure from others though. He never really played with ANY toys except video games, and I guess that could be the reason why (didn't want to be made fun of for his choice).

Whenever playing games like WoW and EQ2 etc, he always made a female character. His brother would make fun of him for it, but he'd always say "I'd much rather watch a woman then some guys backside" :cackle: Which made his brother shut up.

I really don't understand why he's having such a hard time "coming out". His brother can be a dick, but it's always in "fun". If it was something serious, big bro would back down. His sisters on the other hand would LOVE it. They'd dress him up and help him with makeup because they have several friends who are gay, transgender, transsexual (now what's the difference between those last two :bang:)

I'll look into some counseling for him...

I always try to go for a female character in games, but that might fall under a whole other debate.

As far as the difference between being transgendered and transsexual...

From what I know, being transgendered means you associate with the opposite sex. Like, you are a guy, but consider yourself a girl.

Transsexual usually implies that you have undergone surgery or hormone replacement to become more like the opposite sex.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender#Transgender_vs._transsexual

So, according to this, I am a transsexual. Labels, words, as long as there is chocolate in the world all will be alright.