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    1. #1
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      Waking life and sleeping life becoming one/slipping in and out of the astral plane

      I struck again.

      Last night, I felt very dizzy and sick, just like I used to. I've been meditating lately, and trying to be more at peace with myself and grounded in reality... Perhaps a mistake, but the change did not come unprompted.

      I lately wake up feeling like I put more effort into my dream life (life on the Astral planes) than I do into real life.

      So, anyway, when I woke up this morning, I had this overwhelming number of memories, as usual, and I discarded them, as usual, because I just can't handle thinking about it all right now. Finals week, y’know?

      I woke up this morning and remembered only one dream: seeing my dear friend N sitting cross-legged in her bed, tears running down her face.

      At brunch this morning, N's girlfriend C said she had a crazy story to tell me. I shall try to recall it as clearly as I can.

      C: Thursday night after you told us [their FWB] R slept with S, when N was out of the room, trying to talk to R, I took a shower. And when I got out of the shower I felt like there was long hair [she has closely cropped hair, like mine] on my shoulder and chest, so I brushed it off. And it instantly felt like it was wrapped around my other arm, then I was aware of it across my neck. So I turned and shouted “STOP it!” and the sensation went away.
      C: Then last night I kept feeling droplets of water land on my legs and stomach, even beneath my clothes. I told N and she said we should take our tarot cards off the bed. She started crying--
      N: It felt like someone else was crying through my eyes, and I tried to resist it. My eyes only swelled with tears.
      C: No, you definitely cried. Anyway, we took the cards off the bed, and the box was absurdly cold. The room felt so SAD but I knew I should do a reading. I sat facing N in the bed, with space to our left, and I shuffled the cards between us.
      N: The craziest thing was, when she was shuffling, the cards splayed themselves and the bottom card was Strength.
      C: I didn't see that. So I finished shuffling and started the reading, but I did the reading to someone who wasn’t there, off to our left. There was room in the bed for someone to be sitting there. I pulled the cards for them. They were all reversed to me, but upright to them. I got three Major Arcana! The reading was

      Death The Fool Strength

      [I pulled Death, The Fool, Strength last night, but stayed quiet]

      C: N said she felt like Strength was her card, and I felt a pull toward The Fool, since I often draw him. So we read the cards in the order of Death, Strength, The Fool since N really wanted to hear Strength.
      N: I was certain the girl really wanted to hear Death. That was her card.

      [Unimportant discussion. I ask what else they sensed about the entity. They combined to discuss. Paraphrased.]

      She had long dark hair, she was thin, she had green eyes. Her skin was pale but it was a false paleness. [C: Do you think she was Native American? N never replied] She seemed taller than us.

      [This is my Astral body. I recognized it immediately. Didn't tell them. Asked instead what they felt her message was.]

      N: She was very sad, depressed. She wanted help, and she asked us to do the reading. But I didn’t like that she touched C or used my body. She really invaded us. I feel like she came in through the window and used the cards to channel into the room. We hadn’t thought about the cards in a few days.

      ------

      I feel sick to my stomach. I thought I was conscious as I took action on the Astral plane, and was choosing to forget my actions.

      Clearly I am not. There is no way I would have decided to do these things to my friend or her girlfriend.

      And yet, I am making action take place on the physical plane during my journeys on the Astral.

      Fuck.

      I've been very depressed lately, trying to battle my feelings for N and my jealousy of C and R. It was very hard for me because of my polyamorous nature. I don't normally feel jealousy when m partner has other partners -- but in this situation I am not a partner at all -- so I had this overwhelming, soul-sucking jealousy I was totally unused to dealing with.

      Since my own drawing last night, I had decided to explain the whole situation of my feelings for N to her in private. I wanted her to know that I loved her and wanted to be there for her through whatever happened with her other girlfriends. I wanted the ball to finally be in her court.

      But then they told me about my unconscious appearances in their life, and I had to take a step back and re-evaluate everything.

      So I told N about how I think that the spirit/entity was me, and said I need to leave their group of friends. I avoided saying I loved her. I didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do any more. Especially because of the card she had in the reading.
      Unless I'm reading this all wrong? I didn't understand the spread when I did it last night. I only really identified with Death, the other two felt alien, and having three Major Arcana seemed -- off.

      N had strength in the Rider-Waite deck - I use a book on the Thoth deck. In the Thoth deck, Strength is Strength/Lust. It said

      Whenever you pull the Lust/Strength card, it is a symbol that you are expressing your full creativity and strength.

      She's perfectly in power and satisfied with her life right now.

      I guess I really needed to hear what Death had to say, so I looked it up again in my Tarot book after I spoke to N. Death is the Scorpio card (I am a Scorpio). I meditated on what it said. There were four affirmations listed to use:

      I am excited about growing and becoming even more of who I am.
      I let go of people and situations with ease and dignity.
      Detachment is a form of objectivity which includes caring.
      Every ending is an opportunity for something new to emerge.

      Great. Hard love in it's purest form. My translation of this to Reddit-speak is

      Man the fuck up and let go of N. You need to take time to yourself and let this be a learning experience.

      I am in love with N... Or am I? She has two girlfriends, C and R-- kind of-- they're actually in a huge polyamorous mess [R has a longterm committed GF who is none the wiser] that they're somehow viewing through the rose-tinted glasses of monogamy or at least just sexually open relationships-- C and N clearly care for R far beyond what they admit, they call her a FWB but it is clearly not true--

      But like Death slapped into me, none of that matters to me. I need to let go and be reborn, sans N.

      -----

      The Fates have made their message to me clear: leave N to what is hers, move on to what is mine. I'm scared and I'm tired of being alone. I'm sad that I have no one to talk to about this event, because I so value having that kind of symbiotic bond with someone.

      I wanted to share that kind of a relationship with N, but the Fates refuse me that. I don't know why.

      And the only person I have to tell is the Internet.

      I joined DreamViews hoping to find help with things just such as this.

      I need to be more lucid! Or at least stop doing this shit.

      Help

    2. #2
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      I've read your post several times now, it is still a bit confusing. I'll try to help as best I can though.

      Speaking from my experience, sometimes the people you love aren't the people who are best for you. Sometimes the relationship just isn't the best thing for one party, or both. It takes time to be able to step back and examine. I still have flashbacks from when a similar relationship issue happened to me a year ago. I don't use tarot cards, so I can't comment on that aspect.

      The advice I have for you now is to figure out how you can control your energy and set up some barriers that bar certain behavior when non-lucid. check and strengthen them often until you don't have to consciously keep them up.
      make sure you don't make them permanent, and have a way to take them down, or unlock them if needed, but it shouldn't be easy enough for your unconscious mind to do.

      I also recommend meditation, you may find the reason for this chain of events.

      (side note, I often dream about a girl with straight black hair, the length varies from dream to dream, I don't know if that means anything or not, just wanted to interject it.)

    3. #3
      another place another tim labyrint's Avatar
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      I don't normally feel jealousy when m partner has other partners -- but in this situation I am not a partner at all -- so I had this overwhelming, soul-sucking jealousy I was totally unused to dealing with.
      I so much feel you. Nowdays I'm getting more accustomed of my others changing faces and appereances. It doesn't cut away my jealousy when I have memories those persons with whom I'm sunken so deep in love. Impossibilities of love and touch appearing my real life in a form that resembles the one I love and all the memories of her I have. It's easier to have some good loving friendfull moments with some, even some flirtings with men and women alike. When I see love happening in my surroundings I feel good, but if there happens to be some of my past loves in given space, I get to feel my allalonnes, unjustice and even some jeolousy. Some of them I cannot love way I use to. Some of them can't love me way they use to. Sometimes it's just that one who can't can't or doesn't want to recall what has happened. So I must move forward, embrace the change 'cause this is killing me. My longing evocates memories of love gone wrong in dreams. It doesn't seem to help anyone. From your text I got the impression we're somehow connected to same archetypical story, for your peace of mind.. mine is different version and I don't like to be seen as crazy stalker, for I'm not.
      Spoiler for superlongsig:


      Quote Originally Posted by tommo View Post
      Indeed. I thought signatures were limited to 7 lines anyway. How the fuck....
      Spoiler for dreamdealer:


      Bad karma on icing threads, please continue conversation and ignore me if this happens "WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE"

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