I struck again.
Last night, I felt very dizzy and sick, just like I used to. I've been meditating lately, and trying to be more at peace with myself and grounded in reality... Perhaps a mistake, but the change did not come unprompted.
I lately wake up feeling like I put more effort into my dream life (life on the Astral planes) than I do into real life.
So, anyway, when I woke up this morning, I had this overwhelming number of memories, as usual, and I discarded them, as usual, because I just can't handle thinking about it all right now. Finals week, y’know?
I woke up this morning and remembered only one dream: seeing my dear friend N sitting cross-legged in her bed, tears running down her face.
At brunch this morning, N's girlfriend C said she had a crazy story to tell me. I shall try to recall it as clearly as I can.
C: Thursday night after you told us [their FWB] R slept with S, when N was out of the room, trying to talk to R, I took a shower. And when I got out of the shower I felt like there was long hair [she has closely cropped hair, like mine] on my shoulder and chest, so I brushed it off. And it instantly felt like it was wrapped around my other arm, then I was aware of it across my neck. So I turned and shouted “STOP it!” and the sensation went away.
C: Then last night I kept feeling droplets of water land on my legs and stomach, even beneath my clothes. I told N and she said we should take our tarot cards off the bed. She started crying--
N: It felt like someone else was crying through my eyes, and I tried to resist it. My eyes only swelled with tears.
C: No, you definitely cried. Anyway, we took the cards off the bed, and the box was absurdly cold. The room felt so SAD but I knew I should do a reading. I sat facing N in the bed, with space to our left, and I shuffled the cards between us.
N: The craziest thing was, when she was shuffling, the cards splayed themselves and the bottom card was Strength.
C: I didn't see that. So I finished shuffling and started the reading, but I did the reading to someone who wasn’t there, off to our left. There was room in the bed for someone to be sitting there. I pulled the cards for them. They were all reversed to me, but upright to them. I got three Major Arcana! The reading was
Death The Fool Strength
[I pulled Death, The Fool, Strength last night, but stayed quiet]
C: N said she felt like Strength was her card, and I felt a pull toward The Fool, since I often draw him. So we read the cards in the order of Death, Strength, The Fool since N really wanted to hear Strength.
N: I was certain the girl really wanted to hear Death. That was her card.
[Unimportant discussion. I ask what else they sensed about the entity. They combined to discuss. Paraphrased.]
She had long dark hair, she was thin, she had green eyes. Her skin was pale but it was a false paleness. [C: Do you think she was Native American? N never replied] She seemed taller than us.
[This is my Astral body. I recognized it immediately. Didn't tell them. Asked instead what they felt her message was.]
N: She was very sad, depressed. She wanted help, and she asked us to do the reading. But I didn’t like that she touched C or used my body. She really invaded us. I feel like she came in through the window and used the cards to channel into the room. We hadn’t thought about the cards in a few days.
------
I feel sick to my stomach. I thought I was conscious as I took action on the Astral plane, and was choosing to forget my actions.
Clearly I am not. There is no way I would have decided to do these things to my friend or her girlfriend.
And yet, I am making action take place on the physical plane during my journeys on the Astral.
Fuck.
I've been very depressed lately, trying to battle my feelings for N and my jealousy of C and R. It was very hard for me because of my polyamorous nature. I don't normally feel jealousy when m partner has other partners -- but in this situation I am not a partner at all -- so I had this overwhelming, soul-sucking jealousy I was totally unused to dealing with.
Since my own drawing last night, I had decided to explain the whole situation of my feelings for N to her in private. I wanted her to know that I loved her and wanted to be there for her through whatever happened with her other girlfriends. I wanted the ball to finally be in her court.
But then they told me about my unconscious appearances in their life, and I had to take a step back and re-evaluate everything.
So I told N about how I think that the spirit/entity was me, and said I need to leave their group of friends. I avoided saying I loved her. I didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do any more. Especially because of the card she had in the reading.
Unless I'm reading this all wrong? I didn't understand the spread when I did it last night. I only really identified with Death, the other two felt alien, and having three Major Arcana seemed -- off.
N had strength in the Rider-Waite deck - I use a book on the Thoth deck. In the Thoth deck, Strength is Strength/Lust. It said
Whenever you pull the Lust/Strength card, it is a symbol that you are expressing your full creativity and strength.
She's perfectly in power and satisfied with her life right now.
I guess I really needed to hear what Death had to say, so I looked it up again in my Tarot book after I spoke to N. Death is the Scorpio card (I am a Scorpio). I meditated on what it said. There were four affirmations listed to use:
I am excited about growing and becoming even more of who I am.
I let go of people and situations with ease and dignity.
Detachment is a form of objectivity which includes caring.
Every ending is an opportunity for something new to emerge.
Great. Hard love in it's purest form. My translation of this to Reddit-speak is
Man the fuck up and let go of N. You need to take time to yourself and let this be a learning experience.
I am in love with N... Or am I? She has two girlfriends, C and R-- kind of-- they're actually in a huge polyamorous mess [R has a longterm committed GF who is none the wiser] that they're somehow viewing through the rose-tinted glasses of monogamy or at least just sexually open relationships-- C and N clearly care for R far beyond what they admit, they call her a FWB but it is clearly not true--
But like Death slapped into me, none of that matters to me. I need to let go and be reborn, sans N.
-----
The Fates have made their message to me clear: leave N to what is hers, move on to what is mine. I'm scared and I'm tired of being alone. I'm sad that I have no one to talk to about this event, because I so value having that kind of symbiotic bond with someone.
I wanted to share that kind of a relationship with N, but the Fates refuse me that. I don't know why.
And the only person I have to tell is the Internet.
I joined DreamViews hoping to find help with things just such as this.
I need to be more lucid! Or at least stop doing this shit.
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