Weird, unpleasant hypnogogic sleep phenomena - looking to see if anyone else shares my experience
Hello there,
I decided to post my experience on here regarding a sleep phenomena I encounter quite regularly because, even after exhaustive Googling and research, I have not found a single article or post or shred of evidence that shows that others have experienced the same thing I do. While I have found some similarities in experience, I have yet to find an exact match. I am hoping to find some others on here who may have experienced something similar.
Throughout my life, I have experienced an array of various sleep phenomena. I have always talked in my sleep and, on a couple occasions in childhood, walked in my sleep (though I haven't walked since then). I've experienced several bouts of sleep paralysis as an adult, as well as what they call "hypnogogic hallucinations" as I fall asleep. I have vivid dreams, nightmares, and night terrors, and have been practicing some form of lucid dreaming on and off throughout most of my adult life. Simply put, I have had several different phenomena occur in my sleep life and I find that I am fascinated by them. Whenever I have these experiences (which have become much more frequent over the past few years), I tend to reflect on them afterwards and analyze them upon waking. They interest me and even when scary stuff happens like sleep paralysis or the weird hypnogogic state, I am still no less fascinated by it all.
That said, despite enjoying the ability to experience and analyze so many different sleep states, over the past several years I have been experiencing some rather unpleasant ones. The one I am about to share with you does bear some resemblance to what they call "hypnogogic hallucinations" and also have some commonalities with sleep paralysis, but it feels distinctly different and I have yet to find an exact match for what this phenomena is... or if anyone else experiences it in the same way I do. I have described my experiences below. Please let me know if any of this resonates or matches your own experience. I currently feel a bit alone in this.
First, I want to describe the general phenomena that has been plaguing me. It is intensely unpleasant and sometimes occurs several times throughout a single night. It tends to come and go over time and occasionally it will go into remission for a few months and then return with a vengeance. Basically, what will happen is that I will mentally wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare or unpleasant dream, often by becoming lucid and talking or shouting or trying to shake myself out of the dream, but the problem is that my body seems to desperately want me to stay asleep/return to sleep. It wants me to return to sleep so badly that when I open my eyes (and I can open my eyes - this is not exactly sleep paralysis as I can move somewhat) my body is trying so hard to force them closed. It feels as though I have been sleep deprived for weeks and I just cant fight it anymore. I want to clarify, though, that I have been in actual sleep paralysis before and this is NOT the same thing as sleep paralysis. This feels like an entirely different phenomena , though it does bear some shades similar in the sense that my mind and body are out of alignment and it's difficult to move, but only because my body is trying so hard to get me to go back to sleep. I am able to talk and move a bit in this state, though it's a little hard.
I want to also mention that, throughout all of this, I pretty much always hear audio hallucinations but they differ from the ones I have read about in articles. I hear what sounds like loud drilling sounds, as though construction work is happening just outside the window, and my brain is also filled with the vague chattering of people/voices - like the kind you might hear while sitting in the airport. They sound distant, but also close by. I also feel the vibrations (this is a lucid dreaming forum so I will assume you guys know what sensation I am talking about). I feel the hum, the vibrations, the intense, all encompassing buzzing that is often associated with this state. But it is unpleasant and I am filled with a sense of dread.
Usually, in this state, in order to stop myself from falling back to sleep, I have to keep trying to shake myself out of it (again, I can move a bit) and writhe or yell. The reason I do not want to fall back asleep is because it feels unsafe and scary, as though the nightmare I just had is literally still "waiting for me" on the other side and, despite knowing that I will be lucid as fall back to sleep, for some reason I am terrified of it. The very thought of falling back to sleep in that particular state is horrifying. It feels as though I just know something bad will happen to me if I let myself fall back to sleep, but my body is REFUSING to let me wake up no matter now hard I try.
Sometimes I win the battle of mind over body and manage to shake myself out of it, but for a few minutes after my body is still a-buzz with vibrations. It tingles and I can tell my body is still not out of the state yet. To avoid giving in to my body's will of falling back to sleep while still "vibrating" (which, again, is terrifying to me in that state because my brain and body are out of alignment and I will be conscious while falling alseep). If I wait a few minutes, the vibrations will stop and then I will be safe to fall back to sleep normally.
Sometimes, I lose the battle or decide to intentionally explore the idea of "letting it take me" back to sleep and when I do - well, see below for a few experiences.
1. Losing the battle unintentionally:
In this first experience, I lost the battle unintentionally while in the vibrating/buzzing/drilling/weird state of not wanting to fall back to sleep. I was laying in my bed, fighting the good fight, when it felt as though someone had grabbed me by the front of my shirt and yanked me upward towards the ceiling. There was a sensation of "moving upward" and then BAM! A loud bang. Suddenly everything was different. I was still in my bedroom, it looked like my bedroom, but everything felt off and weird. I could feel the presence of a demon. I also felt strapped to my bed.
Now, since I was lucid, in hindsight, I know I could have simply took control over the situation by telling myself over and over that the demon wasn't real and transformed my nightmare into a pleasant lucid dream. But, at the time, I was too scared to do that.
After I felt the demon's presence in the room, I tried to wake myself up. I ended up in sleep paralysis upon waking, but I could talk a little but like a ventriloquist. I tried to shout "shake me" at my boyfriend but it came out sounding weird. He eventually understood and shook me and I woke up for real. It was very scary for him and me.
2. Losing the battle intentionally in order to lucid dream and stop being afraid (WILD technique):
I was on a cruise recently and was having some anxiety after drinking too much the day before. I was laying on the bed and had just woken up from a dream or nightmare and was thrust into the cycle again of vibrating/buzzing and trying to force myself not to fall back to sleep. Then I decided to say screw it - I want to take control over this and see if I can defeat my own fears. So I allowed it to swallow me and take me. The first thing I remember is a feeling of leaning slightly to the right and "falling" out of my body and going down towards the floor. The room was no longer dark - the carpet and everything looked bright and colorful. Then I went down a spinning tunnel and it felt like I was falling. And then BAM just like my first one, it was like a light switching on. Instead of demons or being afraid, I decided to use the mantra "penguins, penguins, penguins" because they are my favorite animal. Lo and behold there was a field of penguins. But they seemed hazy and not very vivid and I was unable to conjure up my favorite type of penguin. Then I woke up but instead of fully waking up, I was in the scary room again. It looked like our cruise cabin, but there was a figure in the back of the room looking weird and also I felt (physically) and saw a pail on my belly with shovels in it. I could almost touch it, i could feel it on my belly and could see it. I tried to talk and my boyfriend heard it and shook me and then the hallucinations disappeared.
What I really want to know is if anyone has been in that scary state of feeling the buzz/vibes but being afraid of falling back to sleep? Most importantly, does it feel like an unseen force is "pulling" you back to sleep? To me, it feels almost impossible to stay awake when it happens and feels like I have to battle for my sanity and to stay awake and not reenter the nightmare. I understand, and have tried, to harness this lucidity in order to lucid dream but the general feeling is still highly unpleasant for me.
