Mezzanine

Night of 2/5/09

Breaking into Victoria's Secret

I wish I could remember how this started. I was just so stunned when I woke up from this that I could only focus on the end.

I'm in Victoria's Secret at a mall. I think I was shopping for something, but I'm wearing my new pajamas (that I just bought from Victoria's Secret yesterday!!). I look at the door and it's two glass doors that are closed and locked. A mall security guard comes up and opens the doors and comes in. He doesn't see me, so I sit down in a chair and pretend I'm asleep. Or a mannequin. I don't know which. I think my eyes are open though, so I see what was going on. The security guard comes in with a guy and a girl and they're both wearing dangly earrings.

Next thing I know, I'm being interrogated by the security guard and the guy with the earrings on and now he's only got one earring in. The security guard asks me how I got in there and I said, "I don't know, I'm dreaming, I must have dreamed myself in here!!" (Makes perfect sense, right? Like I knew VS was a real place and I could really be in there, but not after it was closed. I'm stuck with not knowing whether this counts as lucid or not.)

I go on to explain that, "All I know is that this guy was looking for his earring and he had two before and only one now. Then you start interrogating me about how I got in here." I was so confident in my answers. I'm amazed that this happened in my dream... that I told someone I was dreaming.

Michael Cera at Toys 'R' Us

I'm at a toy store riding a BMX bike around. I ride around until I find that there's an event going on. My boss comes up to me and asks me to introduce the pro bike riders who are doing a demonstration. I get off my bike and grab a microphone and there are bleachers and people sitting everywhere. There are a couple of pro bike riders going up ramps and doing tricks. I walk down into an area that's kind of like a big box. There are no ramps, just walls. It's a special area where the bikers can go straight up a wall without a ramp or anything. I'm not even saying anything into this microphone, I'm just watching. One biker rides into the wall, goes up it and launches into the air. He does a flip and it looks like he's going to land on his side, but as he lands, he lands on a peg on the back wheel and just spins around parallel to the ground.

I leave this area and walk around looking at the crowd now like I'm security. A few other employees and I are talking when we see a biker, who is now on a motorcycle, crash into a little girl who is walking with her mom and little sister!! I run to the store manager, who can't be bothered about this, and she tells me to go find Jeff. I find Jeff and I'm yelling his name cuz he's in the area where the demonstration is and it's hard to hear because the crowd is cheering so loud. So I grab him and bring him to where the accident is. As I'm walking there, I accidentally step on the little sister's hand because she was crouched down with her mom checking on the girl that just got crashed into. She freaks out and screams, "I'm going to need an x-ray!!!!" And starts crying. SO I walk away.

I go down the aisles and I see people in brown uniforms putting stuff on the shelves. I figure it's the overnight crew. There are some Oakley sunglasses in a box by the baseball bats, so I grab a pair and put them on. They're like fake plastic little kid sunglasses. I should have known. I push them up onto my head. I see some employees by the cash registers talking and walk up to them. At one of the check out aisles, I see little tubes of M&M's and have a moment of clarity and realize I'm dreaming, but it fades as soon as I grab one of the tubes of M&M's and open it and pour some into my hand. I turn around and one of the employees is Michael Cera from the movie Superbad. I look a him and ask him point blank in front of everyone else if he would like a blow job. He looks so surprised. So I grab him by the hand and lead him to the restrooms. We go into the handicapped stall and he unzips his pants. He looks down and seems embarrassed because his penis is so small. I turn around and see that there's a mirror on the wall. I look in the mirror and see Michael behind me and now he has a penis growing out of the front of his neck. It is the worst penis I have ever seen. It has like polyps all over it and is bumpy and just bad.

Next thing I know, Michael and I are in the parking lot outside and I'm telling him I just couldn't do it, and I'm sorry, but I think he has an STD. He says, "STD stands for Southern Texas Defense!! I don't have that!!!"

Wow.