Hopeless Wanderings

So last night I had a really long(I woke up twice and the dream kept on when I fell back asleep each time), really depressing dream. I don't want to post it on here so I'm just going to give the basic plot of it up until the lucid.

Basically, someone(J) close to me died and throughout the dream I was crying hysterically and blaming myself. this went on for a very long time, it seemed like a week. It was very depressing, but honestly in a way I kind of liked it because it's not often you get dreams with that much strong emotion.

Anyways, I started thinking "What if this was just a dream?" and "Wait, this has to be real! This really happened!" and then "But whenever something really bad like this happens, it's usually a dream.." and that's where it got to me. So I looked at my hands to do a reality check. They looked normal(they usually have more or less fingers) but I still knew I was dreaming. I was inside my house at the time and decided to go outside onto my front porch. At first I was starting to lose it but them I was really calm and everything was very clear(this might have been one of the clearest ones I've ever had). The sky was a dark blue, almost night but not quite. I wasn't sure what to do, but I wanted to summon someone. I couldn't think of a specific person, so I looked over by the tree in the middle of the yard and said "Show me an angel!" and concentrated hard. At first, nothing was happening so I shouted it again. Then a glowing white figure appeared. It was an angel, who kind of looked like Clarence from "It's A Wonderful Life"(which I just happened to watch a few days ago) except this angel actually had its wings. I wanted some answers, to what, I don't know, but I just needed some answers! But the angel only mumbled something I couldn't understand and wouldn't say anything else. I got frustrated and decided to attempt to take off into the night sky. I took a leap from the porch and flew up a few feet, only to float back down because I couldn't stay up in the air. I don't know what happened after that..

This night was very vivid and full of intense dreams. Unfortunately I don't have the best dream recall right now so I can't remember all the details, just some of the main stuff. I would have liked to remember more of the first dream because it was so overwhelming but since it was the first dream it faded from my memory over the night.

A Beautiful Tragedy
One of my old friends had died(by suicide, I think?) and it was my fault. Although I haven't spoken to her in awhile I still cared a lot about her and I had done something to cause her death. I was a complete mess, crying and crying nonstop for what seemed like forever. I didn't want to live with myself because of what I had done. It was just awful, and the pain felt so real. I don't think I've ever felt so.. broken(then again no one close to me has ever died in RL). I went to my room and curled up on my bed and just weeped and weeped and it was just such a real, heavy feeling. My mom came into my room and she just held me and comforted me as I continued crying. It was almost like.. a beautiful tragedy. When I felt myself waking up from this, I was actually sad that it was a dream. I wanted to go back to that place, back to that feeling. I don't know why.. but it was just so beautiful.

Dorm Livin
I was in a lake or a river with some people and swimming when someone came up to me and said something like, "It's your turn," and started shoving me under the water, not allowing me to come up. I didn't think they were trying to kill me because they had done this with some other people and they were fine, but after awhile of intense struggling more people came to help him push me down under the water and I just gave up. I thought if I stopped moving they would let go. My eyes were closed, and I took a breath of air through my nose, as if it were sticking up from the surface, allowing me to breathe. Then I "woke up" and I was at the end of the hallway of the dorms where the door is, opening it to let someone in. She was someone who had gone to my high school but was now at my same college. I found it odd that I had appeared here and not awake in my bed, so I said "I think I was sleeping up until this point because I just woke up now and here I am.. I don't know how I got here." She didn't seem to believe me. Then me and two new people who I had just met there(not in RL) started painting some picture on white boards. One of the girls looked at me suspiciously, then threw some paint at me, starting a paint fight. I thought it would be cool to have a shirt made of paint splatters so we took turns hand-printing each others shirts.


Hotel Danger
Me, my parents and my sis were in a hotel in Chicago and we wanted to get back to our rooms. We had to go in this elevator, which really freaked me out because it didn't look right and when I tried to get in the doors almost closed on me. Inside the elevator I was shaking and actually crying with fear, as everyone else just stood there normally. The elevator seemed to drop 100 floors and then finally came to a stop at the lobby. I got off right when the doors opened but my sis and mom stayed on because they wanted to go to their floor were our room was. I refused to go back on that thing, so my dad came out and accompanied me. We were going to take the escalators back up instead, but the escalators were huge, like 10 times wider and larger than they should be. The first two escalators were out of service and my dad didn't know that so he tried to go on one and a lady dressed like a hooker said "Sir you can't go on this escalator" so he went on the next one and she followed him and said he couldn't go on that one either, till finally he was able to get on the only working one. I tried to get on it but it was already going up and I couldn't lift my body over the side of it. It was like a giant raft, and the whole thing moved up and down. Then it started bouncing up and down like a trampoline and people were having a party on it. I saw my friend Dani fall off the side of it and wanted to go see if she was okay, but them a HUGE wave appeared. It was the size of the building, which was like 8 stories high. I freaked out and ran to the wave pool that just happened to be there, the wave following behind me, and I went to the deep end of the wave pool and faced the wall. I took a deep breath and went under, hoping this would help take the impact. The wave crashed over me smoothly as I heard people around talking about how huge and awesome the wave was. Then I took a breath and realized I could breathe underwater, then woke up.

So.. the first part of this dream was really long and depressing before I became lucid so I'm only going to give the short version.

Someone told me that my dad had died and I was like crying hysterically for a long time. Something told me that this obviously wasn't true, but I ignored that feeling for awhile until finally said to myself "this is just a dream" and looked down at my hands to confirm it. My hands had 6 fingers each, so I knew I must be dreaming. I wasn't really sure what to do so I went outside my house and this old disco music came on. There were a bunch of people, young and old, who randomly started dancing. I thought about flying but instead started dancing along and had a blast, until I lost control and woke up.

regular dreams: 9-6-10

The first two dreams are from several nights ago and they are kinda depressing/disturbing. I don't really know why I had these dreams, probably from watching too many scary movies or something. The last dream is from last night. I can't remember much so they are just fragments.

Rape
I don't know who's house we were at, mine or someone else's. There was this middle aged woman there, with curly brown hair. I was just standing there watching as this guy was creeping around the outside of the house trying to break in. I called the cops but the line was busy and they never came. The guy got in the house and raped her right in front of me. This happened multiple times, it was like the dream was repeating itself and I couldn't change the outcome.

My Suicide
I was in my room and I'm not sure why but I wanted to die. So I think I took some pills or maybe cut my wrists, I don't remember. There were some people trying to get in my room and help me but they couldn't. I knew that I wouldn't die no matter what because I think part of me might have known that I was in a dream and I can't get injured in dreams. So all I really remember is sitting on the floor in my room dying.. or not.

Late For Class
It was third block(hour, class, whatever) and I was at my locker talking to a friend. I had forgotten what class I had next and the time clock was counting down. I started freaking out and looked at my schedule and saw that I had accounting class next(I don't even take that class in real life) and it was downstairs. So I hurriedly walked to the back of the school and to the right to a staircase(even though there's not one there in real life) and got to class like 5 minutes after the bell rang. But it didn't matter because the teacher said he never takes attendance and didn't care. Then I realized that I might have early lunch instead of late so I didn't even know if I was supposed to be there.

regular dreams: 8-26-10

I should have written these down sooner so I remembered more..

You Don't Deserve to Walk on Water

I was walking across a body of water, I think it was a lake, with a priest from my church. As we were walking on the water, the priest was reciting part of a mass, and at one point he started reciting the Apostle's Creed. In church, you are supposed to recite this along with the priest, so I remember saying along with him "On the third day he rose again.." but then realized I don't remember the whole thing(I've had this problem in church because I never pay attention but am now trying harder to focus and remember everything) and so I had to stop reciting it. The priest got really mad at me for not knowing the whole thing and told me to go away. I think he said that I was a bad catholic. This made me really sad, but I turned around and started walking back anyway. Then I was walking on a road and I saw my friend Allie walking and texting or talking on her phone with some of her friends. I wanted to tell her what had happened, and tell her how I thought the priest was crazy for getting so mad at me. I tried to talk to her, but she kept getting distracted by her phone or other people. I felt like no one would listen to me and got really upset.



Dark World

This whole dream was in a really dark and depressing setting. It was in an old run-down city with demolished buildings and fog, really creepy-like. I don't remember that much that went on in the dream, but I know that it was a really long dream and the setting was really vivid. I remember walking around and exploring for a bit. I saw a little boy laying on the street covered in blood. He was dying. There were about 5 or so people surrounding him and some woman with dark hair kneeling over him. I don't know if I was the girl with the dark hair or if I was just watching her, I seemed to be trading places with her. I don't remember what happened to the boy. Then the girl with black hair started wondering the dark city looking for a body? or a different skin? because she needed to hide her identity.. I wish I remembered more details because even though this dream was really depressing, I actually enjoyed it.

regular dreams: 7-19-10


Let's Have a Lucid!

(this is not the one that the title is referring too)

Me and my cousin Em and her dad were all in my basement, attempting to have lucid dreams. We had mats rolled out on the floor underneath the pool table and we were discussing how to have lucids. I think I fell asleep at one point, and may have had a dream within a dream. I don't know why I never bothered to do a reality check since we were talking about dreams and attempting to have a lucid one. I also remember my cousin wetting her pants for some reason..



The Killer Teenager Out to Get Me and The Death of An Innocent Teen

This dream was extremely long and vivid. Several times during the dream I woke up and fell back asleep.


I was at my house with my parents when some kids came over to my house. They were all teenagers, and I only got a good look at one of them. He had long black hair that went down to his shoulders and a black baseball cap on(He looked kind of what Criss Angel looks like now, only younger). I don’t know why, but they wanted to hurt me for some reason.

They came into my house and I told my parents to stop them. I can’t remember much from this part, but I do remember that they beat me up and my parents finally stopped them and they ran away. Those filthy scumbags.

Then, my parents told me that they were going to do some grocery shopping or something. I couldn’t believe that they were just going to leave me after all that had happened. The teenagers were still out there and they knew where I lived. I went into my dad’s room and tried locking the doors but one of the doors wouldn’t work. My mom tried to help me fix it but it didn’t work. They left anyway, and I started freaking out. I locked all the doors in the house and then locked myself in my room(even though in RL there’s no lock on the door). After awhile of sitting in my room, I decided to come out for some reason, I think I wanted to get something. I went into the living room and turned around to look out the kitchen door. The black haired kid was standing right at that door, looking in through the glass.

I started to freak out. I double checked all the doors to make sure they were locked, grabbed my phone, and ran into my room. I hoped that the guy didn’t see me grab my phone so that he wouldn’t know I was about to call the cops.

Then I woke up. I thought about trying to have a lucid dream, but I really wanted to continue on with this dream (even though it was scaring the hell out of me) and watch that stupid kid and his friends get arrested. But it didn’t exactly work like that.

“911 what's your emergency?,” some lady said on the other side of the phone. For some reason, she was so quiet that I couldn’t hear her. I had to ask her to repeat herself several times before I could finally make out the words. I wanted to be sure that I was calling the right number. “There’s this kid trying to get inside my house! He beat me up yesterday. Please send someone over now!” The lady replied “Okay, we’ll send someone over.”

I don’t remember a lot that happened next. I think the teenager and his friends came back, and some of my friends came over. We played this long game of cat and mouse. Sometime, we appeared to be at the park instead of by my house. I just remember running for a long time. He would occasionally catch up to me and grab me, but then he just sort of let me get away again. I was wondering why the police didn’t show up yet so I called them again and told them to send a police car immediately.

There was a huge group of people now. I didn’t know most of them or where they came from. We were on this balcony type thing in the park and the police still weren’t showing up. The black haired guy caught me again and I turned around to see a crowd of people, some sitting in bath tubs. My friend was one of them, just sitting there with a gun in her hand. I wondered if she was going to kill the guy who was after me. There was this guy in a bathtub across from her who was one of her friends. I don’t know why, but she held the gun up and just shot him in cold blood. I was in shock now. I watched the water in the bath tub turn red. Where the hell were the cops??? I looked for any sign of a police car. The park was right by a police station, so you would think that they would be here by now. I finally saw a police car come by and park by the scene and below the balcony. There was a policewoman and a policeman. They shouted “Everybody get down here!” or something like that.

I followed everyone down the stairs until we came to this circle of chairs. There were around 20 or so people sitting. “You could have gotten here sooner!” I shouted at the policewoman, who looked annoyed. Then I took a spot next to my friend who shot the guy. Everyone had blue cups in their hand with some kind of liquid and a tablet. The policewoman said something like “It will help with your headache.” I chewed and swallowed mine, and was relieved that it didn’t taste like anything. After everyone finished their drinks, we started talking about the accident. I think the policewoman said something like “Okay, raise your hand if you think Ali killed this man.” Everyone but Ali raised their hand, including me. Ali looked sad and kind of guilty. I don’t remember anything else we discussed in that little circle thing.

After that, everyone went home. I don’t know how I got home, but I appeared to walk in the door and my cell phone rang right away. It was Ali. “Did you tell your parents?” I asked her. She told me no. I walked into my room and my mom followed me. I was still in shock from what had happened. My mom said that I needed to wrap gifts for someone’s party. I told her no. I started crying on the phone with Ali and said to my mom “I can’t, I just can’t.”

Then I woke up.