Hopeless Wanderings

I got the results of my recent blood test, and a tumor was detected. The doctor told me that it was cancerous, and that there was nothing they could do. There were two doctors in the room with me and my mom. The female said I had no time left, that I was going to die right away. The male doctor said he thought I had three days. Three days. After the appointment, me and my mom broke down and started crying. I couldn't stop. I spent the three days with family and friends and then just let go. Then, I was observing the aftermath of my death. People were crying. I tried to log onto facebook to see if people were posting about me, but I couldn't get on. I started dancing gracefully, as a ghost wandering my hometown. I thought, is this how I want to spend eternity? Wandering around the place I used to call home, observing the people and places? I awoke with this song(Hometown Glory - Adele) in my head...

"I've been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And turning my heel and strutting my feet
'Is there anything I can do for you dear?
Is there anyone I could call?'
'No and thank you, please Madam.
I ain't lost, just wandering'
Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I've met
Are the wonders of my world"

Fragment

-I was searching online on Amazon looking to find a nice bracelet that would go with my “Not all who wander are lost” bracelet.

I Have A Deadly Ebola-Like Virus

I went swimming to see this giant whale-like creature. Next to it was a tiny fish which I was told was carrying a deadly virus. I tried to stay away from it but of course I got bitten.

I was working at a youtube show like Buzzfeed(I recently went on a Buzzfeed-watching youtube spree) and I had my own little office at the headquarters. I was standing in my office when I just sort of collapsed. Peope in white bio-hazard suits came to get me and take me to the hospital, where I ended up getting my own room. I stayed in that room for weeks or even months. At one point I was out of my room and people got so mad at me that they wanted to kill me to prevent spreading the virus. I got progressively sicker and could barely move. My family would come visit me frequently. Eventually I got better but…

The dream repeated

This time I was watching a lady with a black dress and brown hair going to her colonoscopy appointment. She was walking really weirdly and I realized it was because of her heels. Then, I WAS that lady. I went into this huge building and looked around to figure out what room my appointment would be in. I was in this large room and there were people sitting/standing forming a large circle. I was in the middle of the circle. People realized I was sick with the deadly virus and everyone stayed away from me, trying to avoid contact. I got shipped off to the hospital again and this time got a nicer room, where I recovered for a second time.

I know I had a super short lucid sometime last night but don't remember one bit of it.

Most of this dream was about events leading up to the race and I woke up/got up and when I fell back asleep I was having another race dream so this is just the whole thing kinda blended together.

I was at this race, which was supposed to be a cross country running race, which a friend. Before the race, I stopped in this classroom in my old HS to get some things we needed and saw a popular girl there from when I was in HS. I was wondering why she was still there.. she would have had to be held back FOUR years to still be in HS. Anyway, she was making fun of me and so was some guy. I was more surprised than annoyed, and I didn't want to be bothered by it, so before I left the room, I turned to the girl and curtsied at her. She looked surprised. Then I left.

There was lots of diddly daddling and thinking I was gonna be late for the race because my race was supposed to start at 4:30 am, and I looked at the clock once and it said 4:30am.

To get to the start of the race, I look this hay-ride type vehicle with some of the contestants(and my dad was there for some reason). When we got there, I was with Sydney. I realized it was a triathlon,starting with surfing. I was annoyed that I didn't know this and had not prepared for this. I have never surfed in my life(including RL).

Me and the other contestants get in the ocean with our surf boards and paddle out and right away, there come big waves, bigger than I would have thought(in RL I live no where near the ocean so I'm not used to big waves). Everyone missed the first wave, then the second wave came and everyone missed that too. Then the third wave came, which was huge. It knocked me off my board and my board floated way. I tried to grab it but it kept getting further and further away and I was exhausted and realized I wasn't going to make it. So I just gave in and let myself drown. Even though I didn't know I was dreaming, I knew I would be okay(drowning is a re-occurring dream of mine). So I went underneath the surface and it felt quite peaceful, and I woke up(FA?).

The race turned into a singing contestant and the contestants were awful. I looked to see what the prizes were for the winners, which were kept in a yellow paper bag, and I found this gold(fake) box. I opened it and there was a pocket watch inside, cheaply made, with a cartoon character on it. The other prizes were other cheap plastic kid's toys. One kid saw me looking at the prizes and was got mad at me.

-I was driving by places surrounded by fluffy cotton-like low clouds and I wanted to get out and go run through them

-my(?) cat gave birth to one kitten

I was with a class field trip in high school(4 years later and still having HS dreams) somewhere with a huge lake, so big you couldn’t see the other side. I was on a small raft near the shore when I saw that someone’s boat had caught fire, so I went to go help. There was a man, a woman, and I think a little boy. The people on the boat were hesitant to get off the boat because they didn’t want to leave their stuff behind but I somehow dragged them off. One of them took my ipod and threw it in the water because they thought it was useless. I was pissed, but later I went underwater and retrieved it and it still worked.

I was with this guy from my class who had a high suicide risk. You were able to look up someone’s suicide risk online. There was a meter ranging from 0-100% with the 100% in the red zone. I said something to this guy but it made it worse and his risk was 90%.

Then, I decided that I would kill myself. I told some guy to stand at a lookout point with a gun(like the kind snipers use) and I would give him a signal when to shoot me. I then stood at a high point overlooking the lake with my friends(D,N,B, ?), who were sitting on a bench looking out at the lake. I left them a note. One one side, it said how much I loved them. On the other side, it explained exactly what I was doing, why, and how sorry I was. I read them the first side, put it on the bench next to them, then stood at the edge.

I was shot and fell forward into the lake. Titanic music started playing(I looked the song up – Titanic Soundtrack- Never An Absolution) as I sank to the bottom. The water was a crimson red(maybe from the gunshot wound?) and at the bottom I saw a decaying body of a young girl. The music continued and half the time I was underwater and the other half I was above shore watching my friends freak out and try to figure out what had just happened. Weirdly, it was kind of a peaceful feeling for me.



I “woke up” in my bed and couldn’t see. When I tried to open my eyes, I would open my eyes in RL(or in another dream?) so I kept them closed and eventually I was able to see. I went into the living room and everything was very clear. I went outside and was prepared to do something fun but then the cat woke me up.

I also had a lucid yesterday where I couldn't see and kept trying to open my eyes but when I did I would open them in RL so I woke up.

I waited for the light to turn green and then started walking across the intersection. Cars were passing me going straight, but out of no where a car came from the other side of the intersection that had the red light and it ran right through the light and hit me. I was laying on the ground and a male cop came up to me. I was bleeding out on the street. Instead of waiting for an ambulance to come, he put me in his car and started racing towards the hospital. He kept talking to me to keep me calm and asked me questions. As we got closer to the hospital, I was fading. He asked me what 7 times 3 was to make sure I was still fully conscious. I was confused and answered 24. He was very worried about me and he kept telling me to hold on. He then held my hand the rest of the way there. When we got to the hospital, he carried me and rushed me to the emergency room where the nurses took me away. As I was being treated, the dream was focused on him instead of me. He was in the waiting room talking with other people and worrying about me. A nurse finally came and told him that I would be okay. I just couldn't get over how kind and caring he was towards me, how he held my hand and talked calmly to me. He was a complete stranger yet he cared so much about me.

I know I haven't posted in awhile but I've been so lazy. I've been remembering dreams but I'm too lazy to type them up. Half of them have been about drowning, as usual, including the one from last night. I'm going to post that one as well as one I had a few nights ago that really creeped me out..

I had a dream that I was bleeding all over. I don't know why. I was just taking a shower and blood was turning the water red and I was bleeding out. In another dream the same night, I was trying to help a friend from my college with her math homework but she became frustrated and started cutting her wrist. She didn't stop there. She kept cutting all up her arm and was bleeding all over. It was quite scary/creepy. When I woke up I found a spot of blood on my pillow. I have NO idea where it came from. Weird.

I was in a pool with some of my friends in some sort of waterpark or hotel. The pool wasn't too big, maybe about one-third the size of a regular high school pool. But it was super crowded. There must have been atleast 60 people all crowded in there. There was barely any space between any of the people. I was treading water somewhere in the middle of the pool when I started to get pulled under. I tried to fight my way back to the surface but there was just so many people in my way, and I gulped in water and started drowning. I made it to the surface just barely and managed to wave my arms for help. Next thing I remember, a lifeguard had pulled me out and brought me back to life. Most everyone was out of the pool now, either leaving or watching me.

So.. the other day I posted something on here about not having enough motivation to practice dream recall or do anything that would help me start having LDs again. I guess just thinking about that was all I needed to have one again! Unfortunaly, I remember almost nothing of it because it was in the middle of the night.

There were people chasing me, it was really frightening. I got out my phone and dialed 911 and told them people were after me. This made me realize that every time I call 911 I'm always dreaming, so I must be having a lucid dream now! But I didn't really want to do anything but see where the dream would take me so I just kept playing along with it.

I was outside in this crowded town full of mostly people I didn't know, along with a few people from my old high school. Many people gathered around a circle to play a game in which they would run around and tag each other and the last one left standing was the winner. Everyone was gathered around watching as they finished up the first round. Then the people running it asked it anyone else wanted to join. My hand was the first to shoot up. Although I was nervous, I thought why not? I don't know most of these people, so it could be fun! My friend sitting next to me cheered me on, along with some other people I didn't even know and they let me join the circle. Then I noticed a few people from my high school and was sad because I never wanted to see those certain people again, but decided it would still be fun. I was placed behind a girl who looked like a slow runner, so I was sure I could catch her, but placed in front of a guy from back in high school. The announcer counted down 3.. 2.. 1... go! Everyone started running around trying to tag one another. I thought it would be a nice friendly game, but then everyone started attacking me and kicking me! I didn't know what was going on and why they were doing this, but I couldn't escape. No one tried to stop them as they beat me up. Everything turned red and then I was outside my body watching it happed. They "killed" me and the next thing I remember was looking at a facebook page of my picture next to 3 other dead people titled "RIP" and my friend's status: Everyone I know is dying! I found this really odd because obviously I was still alive! And I was still out in the open. I went to tell people I was still alive but then I arrived at this snow hill with my grandpa, another dream starting up. There were crowds of people on each side of the hill selling things and me and my grandpa were walking up and down, checking everything out. As we were heading back to our car to leave, I woke up.

Me and Niki were in Geology class together and we had to create a volcano and take pictures of it. We were by the beach and somehow this mini volcano was there all ready for us. It was about the size of a trailer and Niki told me to pour buckets of fake lava down it, but she yelled at me for getting the wrong color or something stupid like that and I couldn'd understand what I was doing wrong, or why I was even working on a volcano project for a geology class that I don't even have anymore.. I got pretty annoyed with the whole thing and decided to go down to the beach to take a break. I was there with my sister then, and the beach was not too crowded, but there were people scattered along it. The waves looked medium sized, not too big, and definitely managable, or so I though. So me and my sister went in, I don't think I intended to go all the way on because I still had my fancy camera with me and it was bound to get wet. Then the waves picked up and I lost control and started drowning so I waved for someone to help and blacked out. When I woke up, I was standing next to my sister knee deep in water with a lifeguard standing next to us. I have no idea what happened but I was then I was fine and got out of the water safely.

So I've been joined to DV for almost 3 years now(woohoo!) and I've finally reached the point of having 100 dream entries!(woohoo!) And this one just happens to be about dying.(woohoo!)
Well actually this isn't really my 100th dream since I sometimes post more than 1 dream in a post.. but its still awesome!

I was at this place.. I'm not sure it it was a waterpark or just a pool area. There were two pools, one was huge with tons of swimming lanes and it also was a large wave pool. Then there was the smaller one, made just to be a wave pool with smaller waves than the main pool. The main pool had a super tall diving board in the last lane and it was the deepest part of the pool, reaching about 40 feet down. I'm scared of deep water(in real life too) but I told myself that it was just water and nothing would go wrong, so I climbed up to the top of the tall diving board and did this awkward flip thing off. I went way down to the bottom of the pool and ended up touching the bottom, which freaked me out a bit, knowing how deep I was. I got disoriented and couldn't swim to the surface for some reason, so I just layed there at the bottom and was just dying there. I felt a tug and was dragged up to the surface by one of the female lifeguards, who lifted me out of the pool and put me on the side. I could still hear and see almost everything going on but was apparently unconscious. Every one of the lifeguards was going crazy getting everyone out of the pool because it was standard precedure during an emergency. I saw one of the lifeguards dive back into the deep end of the pool just to make sure there were no other people drowning. I felt someone pounding on my chest and I coughed up some water and "came back" but was still sort of out of it. I just layed there on the ground next to the pool as everyone was still freaking out, clearing the pool, and calling 911. This is when my memory gets fuzzy. I think the paramedics showed up and surrounded me but I don't remember being taken away because the next thing I know, I'm standing by the smaller wave pool, ready to jump in. (hmm.. what a brilliant idea-go in a wave pool right after you almost drowned in another) I thought to myself "it would be a lot harder to drown in this smaller wave pool," and went in. Well, those small waves were more powerful than I thought. I got caught up in one and it sent me backwards and threw me, head first, into the man-made "shore." And then it happened all over again. I was unconscious but could still hear and see, there were lifeguards going crazy, etc etc. So.. yea.. that was interesting.

regular dreams: 8-30-10

This dream probably happened from watching so many episodes of Heroes in the past several days.


I was sitting at my kitchen table and was stacking some coins together out of boredom. There was one penny in the stack that I didn’t like in there so I took it out and threw it on the ground. But when I started playing with my stack of coins again I noticed that the penny had reappeared in the stack! I removed it again but it kept on reappearing. Then I realized that it wasn’t reappearing, it was doubling! This was my newly discovered power. This time, I took all the coins(there were only about 5 or them) in my hand and closed it tightly. When I opened my hand, there were more coins! I tried this again 2 more times until my hand was heavier and filled with coins. I was so amazed that I grabbed my wallet and put it in the microwave(I don’t know why..) and heated it up. When I took it out, I looked inside of it and I had a 500$ bill, 2 hundreds, and a 100$ bill that said something like “100 dollars to 200 dollars” like it was a receipt for changing the money. I was so excited to show people my power, and now I had a way to make money without getting a job! I think I showed my mom and some of my friends my power and I think some other people might have had a power, I don’t really remember.

Next thing I know, I’m at the beach with my friend Allie and some other friend and we were the only ones there(until later when everyone else started showing up from nowhere). Allie looked really anxious and stressed out and said she needed to tell me something. Her and my other friend got into there swimsuits and Allie told me to come into the water with her. I didn’t have a swimsuit so I just ran in with my clothes on. The water was nice and cool and we went out deep so I couldn’t touch the bottom. I realized now that my clothes were really heavy, even though I was just wearing a t-shirt and shorts. They were getting heavier and heavier, and starting to pull me under the water. I started screaming for help but went under. The next thing I know, I’m on some floating platform, outside of my body watching my lifeless self die, and two lifeguards are running over to me. They start doing mouth to mouth and pounding on my chest while I was watching from outside my body. I noticed that I wasn’t the only one who had drowned. There were like 6 other people that were also unconscious and being resuscitated. As I stared at my body, I was like “Comon El, wake up! Breathe already!” Finally, I was back in my own body and coughing up water. I was weak so one of the lifeguards carried me back to the beach. The other people who had drowned were by me, all of them had survived. Some of them included my friends, a little girl, and a guy.

We were known as the amazing survivors and some people took us to the grocery store to pick out a treat. For some reason I stood by the fancy wine selection and wanted to get a bottle even though I’m underage. The people who took us there said “For your reward we will have a fancy wine delivered to your hotel room. Just pick one out.” So I started looking over the bottles of wine but then noticed that the guy from our survivor group went over to look at the frozen candy instead. I decided to follow him instead of getting wine because I didn’t want to be the only one. In the display freezers there was all kinds of frozen candies, like lollipops, cookies, and snow cones. Some people picked out humungous lollipops and I picked out a cookie shaped like an emo girl because it was the only one left. I remember Nikky saying “hey that’s my emo girl!” As I picked it up, it broke in my hand but I was like “oh well.” Well anyway, we all walked up to the front of the store, which looked more like a checkout table at a library, to look for the people that brought us there. I don’t know why they wanted to deliver these things to our hotel rooms. As we were walking I saw another guy with powers who walked through a wall to get out of the library.

These are the oldest dreams that I have ever recorded, before I knew about lucid dreaming. I recently found them tucked away in a folder. I was around 13 when I wrote this journal type dream entry.

They are actually quite embarrassing.. My grammar wasn't the best..

1-25-06

I have all kinds of dreams. A lot of my dreams are about flying, some are just about school or friends. Here are some dreams I've had in the past.



In one of my dreams, I was in my school when I tripped and dropped a bunch of books. The boy I had a crush on came and helped me pick my stuff up. I was staring at the floor when he whispered "I love you" into my hear. I looked up slowly but it wasn't him that whispered that! It was one of my friends, Allie W. I was so grossed out when I woke up!

In one dream, I was jumping off high buildings and landing safely on the ground. But after a few times of doing that, for some reason my ankles started to hurt. All of a sudden, I was on a train. It looked like a train on a computer game that I used to play a lot called Tomb Raider. For some reason I jumped off the train and landed on the ground right in front of it. I watched as I fastly slid under the train. The, for some reason, the screen turned red and the words "game over" showed up. It was really freaky because that's what happens when you die in the game Tomb Raider.

Me, my mom, my dad, and my friend Rachel were in a car driving somewhere through a beautiful forest-like landscape surrounded by green. Then, we came to a road that was over a lake and it was about a 1/2 mile drop down to the lake. We were going really fast, when we realized that the road was going to end right there, in the middle of the way over the lake. It was too late. We flew off the road and started falling down to the beautiful lake. The scenery was wonderful. Before we crashed, my mom said "I love you." then everything turned white and the next thing I knew, I was in Heaven. It wasn't like I had expected and it wasn't all that beautiful. We were in a building the whole time. I didn't see my mom and dad after that, but I did see Rachel a few times. In Heaven, they had some boring activities planned out for us, but all I wanted to do(and all I really did) was try to fly. That's all I remember.

Killer animals. Yes my friend, this story is about killer animals. It was a normal morning, except for one thing. Someone left open a window and animals snuck in overnight! There were a few bugs and small creatures, but when I went to the bathroom, I saw chickens! And when I walked into the kitchen, there was a very fat cat and an evil growling cat. It was 7:35 and time to leave for school, but when I looked out the window, I saw a monkey holding a cactus and ready to throw it at us, but when he saw us he quickly hid it behind his back and acted like he didn't have anything. But then, my dumb alarm clock woke me up.

So I had a dream about me dying... actually I've had several in the past few months. Also, my mom always has dreams about me dying/getting hurt. This kind of freaks me out...




Something happened before this.. but I don't remember what. I looked out my bedroom window and saw my friend. Then, I appeared to be looking at myself through my bedroom door. I was standing by my bed, then I just collapsed and died. A second later, I was sitting in an old car, looking out the window. The car was on a grassy hill, with tons of trees in the background and a sunny blue sky. There were people surrounding the car, or atleast they looked like people. One of them came up to the window and said something like "Come on out, It's okay." I didn't know what to do or think. It finally sunk in that I had died. So I rolled down the window and began to fly out of the car and up towards the clouds. Soon after this the dream faded