Vesterguard

Non-lucid – Notes – lucid – Interpretation

I am in a basement. There are a series of 3 rooms next to one another, used for sexual activity. We are 3 couples coming out of each of these, though I am unsure if I am with someone at this point. From the 3 rooms we enter into a larger room and head towards a door on the right hand side.

We are talking about a larger sex assemble which is to take place in a bit. I know I won't be participating and I think there is another woman who won't either and so while I am exiting the room I look over my left hand shoulder to spot and make sure that the woman is leaving the room with me.

4-5 people go back into the room, while the woman and I remain in the adjacent room. This room is darkly illuminated. There is a sofa and an oblong coffee table next to a dividing wall that separate the larger floor plan into two major rooms – where we have just been in the other one. From the point of view of the sofa, which is located at the centre of the dividing wall there is a small kitchenette up to the right, right next to a door that leads into a room I never see, but notice that a fairly bright white light is flowing from it.

As we all walk out for a break the woman who is also not participating in the group session – she is very skinny, with shoulder length hair and is wearing loose beige (?) trousers and a dark green t-shirt, she is a head or two shorter than I – tell me in an asking tone “Is it ok if we don't have sex but just cuddle up a bit.” “Sure” I reply, a tad disappointed, but not a lot.

We sit down in the sofa in our separate corners. She lies down with her head in my lap and flick on the television, which is over right next to the kitchenette on the left hand side – opposite the door with the white light. The first channel is a two way channel – which is intended to show the other room what is happening in ours and we will be allowed what is happening in the other room. The woman tries to flick through the channels – at first we seem to be stuck on the channel we start out with – but when we finally get going there seems to be porn on all the channels. After having flicked through a couple we settle on the two way channel.

At this the woman turns frisky and direct her attention towards me, she turns her head upwards and kiss me, gently at first but with increasing vigour. We both start opening our mouths more and more and eventually I feel the cold sore at my left corner of my mouth rip open, a typical searing pain and a slight sensation of moisture, but I don't care I continue to dive into the kiss – feeling excited and horny as hell. Eventually I start adjusting my body posture, trying to roll with the woman into the motion of getting down into a laying down position – thinking yes, nice a sexual encounter is in the making. She reacts fiercely standing up in the sofa and starts rearranging the pillows in the sofa. At first I think she is making more room for our endeavours, but I soon understand.

“Traitor!” she proclaims “We had an agreement!” she continues.
“Yes, and I was going to keep it, but..” I reply.
“You can't be trusted!” She interrupts. She doesn't seem to understand that I really didn't mind not engaging in a sexual encounter but that I was fully open to do so if that is what she wanted. The situation had evolved from her desire and her initiative.

Feeling it is a lost battle I simply place myself in a tailors position in my end of the sofa and look her in the eyes – she has deep brown eyes. She starts talking about something that happened to her with her dad.

Sensing that it is a recurring pattern I ask her;

“So did this or something similar happen with your dad before?” I ask, sensing there is something like a fear of flying.
“There was an accident” she goes on – at this point the conversation is blurry to my memory – and she explains that either something similar happened at the age of 6, or later at the age of 21 – but essentially she is either saying that something happened before or after, with the other age representing the first event we were talking about. She starts looking rather pale, and slightly taken aback, I can see the surprise in her eyes that I am willing to sit back and talk therapeutically with her despite her recent judgement of me as being a traitor – which might actually refer to a generalisation of men she has developed.

We are interrupted at the conclusion of the sexual adventure happening behind us. There is a large window, with large black curtains obstructing the view. I start becoming aware of sounds from inside there, just a few moments before they enter the room we are sat in. I get a feeling of some sadomasochistic adventures happening and feel a slightly forced disinterest in knowing about the details.

When the people come out and start making their way towards the kitchenette, Jackie comes over to sit down, as well as a black man with long dreadlocks, though his hair isn't as greasy as you would expect from this hair style. I feel slightly embarrassed as I am no longer wearing my trousers and pants, though I still have my long woollen socks on. The black dude knocks me on my shoulder, and Jackie comes over with a glass of Orange juice and playfully say “Ahh it is good to see you asking for so much to drink” referring to it being a typical expression of recently having had sex and also to the glass of water I had drunk just a little beforehand.

I have a blanket covering my genital area, which helps with the embarrassment, but I also feel deceitful for the others misjudging the activity me and the woman were engaging in. From the kitchenette they start talking about their fascination with a flail-like whip, which is what they plan on using next.

I feel a strong urge to get out of there and I start making my way towards the doorway out, which is on the left hand side – leading into a small stairway, which is gloomily lit and dark green.

There is a slight skip.

I am now outside. I am walking down a road, there are trees and hedges along the side walk, and it is sloping downwards as I am walking down on the left hand side. It is dark outside, it seems wet and somewhat windy as well, it is raining. The light from the street lights seems gloomy and contains no warmth.

I continue walking downwards, having a conversation with Ronan, though he isn't actually present. We are talking about the option of setting up a company each, for 5 kroner, and then swapping companies – somehow this is relating to the treatment centre I am about to start up – and I am surprised he agrees. I recall something about a Facebook conversation where we were chatting and we came to the conclusion that the only thing we might have in common is Aesthetic taste, but that this might be cause enough to meet up anyway.

- this is relating to an earlier dream I had, the conversation took place at a street close to where I lived previously, lots of yellow building about, during the daylight. I recall the trouble of typing during this dream.

As I am walking along during this mental/technological conversation I come across a tent. It reminds me of the attached tent of a caravan. It is dark blue and from behind the plastic windows a greyish and eerie light shines through. I am aware of the strings that hold the tent in place, as they are extending out to the road blocking the path of the side walk forcing me to walk around them.

I am still heading down the road when I become aware of my shoes – they are getting wet and I wonder why I am wearing my slippers outside in this god forsaken weather. I look up and to my left and see the state library – rising above the darkness of the tree lines, with only a hint of the light of the street lights reaching the top like an ominous tower. I feel an increasing sense of unease, but carry on downwards.

Not long after this the water levels are rising and I feel like I know the bottom of the road will be completely flooded, blocking path to get home. I look up and back over my right hand shoulder and spot the road I can take which will also take me home. I turn around and start walking backwards. I feel like my vision is starting to slip – like fade completely – and I become increasingly afraid that I will loose my sight completely. At the same time I start feeling intoxicated, like proper drunk and my movements become erratic and unbalanced and I desperately reach out grasping for the strings of the tent for support. And while I find them and grab them they can do little for me as my balance continues to deteriorate. I think it is a bit weird as I didn't drink a lot back at the porn complex, but I can feel that I have definitely breached all levels of safe intoxication. My conscious perception seems to turn into a series of broken mosaics, as if invisible lines of fractures appear before my visual and spatial perceptive capacities.

I become so scared at the rising water levels and my continued diminishing balance and think to myself “Shit I could actually drown in this state. I am a poster boy of how not to get drunk.” While entertaining this thought fear levels keep rising, and then boom – I step into a pothole that is maybe a metre and a half deep and find myself too drunk to get loose – fear becomes panic as I struggle to get free.

The rain keeps falling the water is murky, brown like the colour of mud and there are multiple pieces of foliage, sticks and branches adrift on the watery road.

Finding myself terrified and sure of my death, I wake up.

Immediate interpretation: The cold sore bit was hugely disturbing to me as I woke up and is referring to a situation with Karen recently, where I knowingly kissed her before telling her that I had it. I became immediately aware that I am not completely free of selfish tendencies, which is also related to the knowledge that when I am practising so much self control during sex, I am liable to release more pre-cum, which of course increase the risk of pregnancy during unprotected sex. Knowledge I have kept to myself. It symbolise how I have been willing to put my own selfish needs in front of both her and our needs, a tendency I was deeply ashamed of upon awakening.

The black curtain shielding the view of the other room in the dungeon represents a boundary – black, the colour of nothing – meaning that while I am intrigued with exploring new aspects of my sexuality there are still areas I don't find meaningful to explore. Only if I fear exploring it does it make sense to do so, though this is not a fear based response – it is simply not interesting to me.

My interaction with the woman represents some of my concerns with Karen – that she asks for space, and then also take initiative for sex. It represents my confusion with it all, but also my willingness to take up the role required for her personal growth. The tad dissapointment could represent my feeling of repressing my sexual advances towards her to accommodate her need for space.

The interaction with my embarrassment regarding the others who assume we have had sex, while we haven't I believe represent the uneasiness I have felt in describing my relation to Karen to the outside world. I am trying my best to avoid putting labels on it, and while I don't find this a problem in our personal relation or when talking to people who frequent Tantric environments it is difficult to describe this mode of being in a relation to “old” friends and family who are not participating in this new-found spiritual journey I find myself on. I am somewhat afraid of what Karen thinks – if she would prefer I don't mention her at all, though that would violate my need to be open about what is important and meaningful in my life.

The drowning in the puddle represents – I looked this up as well, I was aware of the meaning of water representing unconscious emotions surfacing – that I might be forcing the issue. Before looking up the theme I thought to myself “Hmm now you have invited her into your inner most private world, of course we dive straight into the dark side – as represented by the cold sore bit”. I then looked it up and it could mean that I am forcing unconscious feelings to the surface prematurely, which makes sense against my immediate thoughts on the matter. It might make sense to keep certain dreams or aspects of my dreams private – it is ironic that we have talked so much about giving and asking for space and we then end up attempting to dream share, effectively eliminating space between us entirely – however as I was awake and praying for the spiritual purification of selfish tendencies I also felt that it made sense to dive into this, as she could help me face the issues and as such transcend them.

Having looked up a variety of dream themes I am increasingly aware of the truly wide variation of what people interpret stuff to mean, which has led me to the conclusion that it is primarily the immediate interpretation that matters. When I am baffled by a theme, object, colour or person I will look it up as and when needed and find the one that resonates most clearly with me. I also think this is a great way to start working on making symbolisms of dreams more translatable and better capable of communicating clearly between the two states of consciousness. Also regarding the privacy I spoke with Karen, and it dawned on me that some dreams can only be understood when analysed against other dreams or contextual events, which might necessitate “sitting” on them for a while as already mentioned.

02-07-11 I am at home and I am headed down the state library to hand in some books and pick up some new ones. When down there having dealt with the books I had to I notice that there are several bibles around in a shelf for overdue pick-up dates. I am not sure if this means that I could just pick them up or I have to wait for some sort of clearance. I try to find help, but am unsuccessful, which leads me to the decision that I will just take one. This book is a monstrosity, not sure it is the same size as an actual bible, seeing as it is 15-20 cm wide. I briefly wonder if it will be able to fit in my bag with the other books.

The reason I am interested in this bible is that it is from 1861 and I want to check for inconsistencies with any current edition. I want to check for myself if what I have read is true that it is difficult to tell what the bible actually says as it has been altered that much. I do think that it is a bit of an additional workload seeing as I have my bac project coming up dealing with lucid dreaming, and as I know I will have to read two versions of the bible (as I haven't read it) I will be in for some hard work. I tell myself that I will just briefly through the bibles and then continue with the dreaming stuff.

When I get back home I tell Thure, I talk to my flatmate about how we have access to a lot of information and that we don't actually need to borrow all the books from the library, because we live in it. We can just read through the books we want at night time. With this in mind we start exploring the library and move to the floor above us. This particular section contains a lot of board games and we start looking for one that looks good. I find a board edition of Doom 2 and we start opening that and laugh around with it.

When we are about to get started we get interrupted by a female middle aged librarian wearing a night dress. She asks us what we are doing here at this hour, and she seems ready to call security. We tell her we live here and she immediately asks if we are the ones living below first floor on the right. I confirm and tell her that we can leave if needed, but seeing as we live here she accepts that we are there and begin to retreat to wherever she came from. I tell her “Thanks beautiful” and she smiles and laughs a bit about being called beautiful, she is pleased.

A mate of mine turn up and start hitting on the librarian, they talk for a while, but I don't know if it actually went somewhere.
…

I am driving somewhere with a lot of friends of mine. We have access to a mini-map that gives us an indication of where we are compared to each other. It is clear that we are in a race to get where we are going. it is a pretty even run, and you can see on the mini-map when people are hold up waiting for the lights to change.

As we approach our destination it is pretty much a tie and I end up driving my car over a ridge and land on a blue car of one of my mates that has driven a different route and is approaching the lake from below me. Although I land on it, I only skim it, it makes a dent, the damage to the car is really quite limited. All the cars there are expensive and although mildly annoyed that his car has become dented. It isn't enough to ruin his good mood and expectations for what we are about to engage in anyway.

We are going out to a lake to para glide on the water. Not quite kite surfing, but that is the closest way of describing what we do. Before hitting the water I (I think I have turned into “the rock” by this point) I tell my friends I have never done anything like this before. They just laugh, give me a shute and tell me to hit the water. I try and I manage to keep myself above water, but it is difficult to get the shute high enough into the air to give me proper speed and jumping capabilities. I just keep experimenting for a while and one of my mates tell me the wind is sort of dead towards the middle of the lake and the waves are high. I notice this as I nearly crash into a huge wave but manage to avoid it.

After some time I notice there is a talking rat with us that is clearly part of the group. With the appearance of this rat the dream goes full on Narnia on me and Aslon decides to come along in all of his majestic feline form. I have a brief thought of cats hating water, but what the hell it is freaking Aslon. Two of my friends have brought a special edition of the shute harness for him, as his body is somewhat different and heavier he needs two shutes. He informs them that he has never done it before either, and asks what he is supposed to do. They tell him to just try it out and he does so by gracefully flying around making huge jumps and always keeping his shutes high in the air. I hate him a bit for that, but am also impressed with what he can do.
…

I am in a kitchen with Delfine and Ronja. Ronja and her are talking outside my hearing range. We are supposed to go and pick up some washing powder or something. After Delfine and Ronja are done talking Delfine comes over to me. She asks me if there is anything going on between Ronja and I, to which I reply no. She tells me that Ronja isn't interested in going out pick up up washing materials, she wants someone to take care of her and start a life. I get the message and feel extraordinary guilty, because this is probably something I have started in the past. She asks me if she should go inform Ronja that I would be glad if she came on to me and I reply “No” and the guild train hits me at maximum velocity. I look over towards Ronja as Delfine is done delivering the message and I feel like a coward for not being able to deliver this myself. I look towards Ronja and I can't decipher if she is crying or not, but if she is it isn't as bad as if her world had completely collapsed.
…

I am writing something on my bac project involving lucid dreaming. When I do a count I see that I have more than 5 pages and the semester haven't even started yet. I want to call someone or tell someone, but I can't really think of who.
…

Something about big round egg like electrical objects I blow up pyro-kinetically.