JoannaB

I was working at the library. Not a library I know, but seems too important a place to just call It "a library". I had recently started the job, and was trying to impress.

I had finished my regular task, whatever a was. So I had grabbed a bunch of applications and had started to make messy comments on them, when I in mid task realized that maybe they mattered more, and I should have been less messy in commenting. In fact my new boss later found them, and reprimanded me on it, and I said I knew that they were too messy, but that I had done them before I knew what I was doing, but that now I knew, and in fact I had done several much better since, but I had left them at a table in the library, so once I retrieved them, I would show her that those were much better.

It transpired that for my job I had not really been expected to comment on these applications, but that if I did, I had to do it right. I explained that I knew that for my job I was just expected to wait between assignments at my station, but that I felt too overqualified for that, and needed something to do in between, so that is why I decided to comment on applications as well.

There was a woman named Jin who also worked in the library, but was more established there and somewhat mysterious. In the dream she actually had a full name, not just a first name, and while I did not realize it in the dream, her full name was the name of a person I work with in waking life who is a DBA of Chinese ethnic origin. The dream did not portray her anything like waking though. In the dream, she was up to something, and she had decided to trust me. She handed me a color coded folder, with colors representing different sections, and I think the sections were about spirituality, but it also felt a bit like a conspiracy, and perhaps going against the authorities who ran the library. I was glad Jin trusted me.

As I was leaving Jin, another young woman joined us, and then she went with me, and tried to get me to go out with her to grab something to eat or drink to get to know me better. She explained that she was Jin's partner sexually. I explained that she had nothing to worry about, that Jin and I were just friends, and I was heterosexual. She said, she knew that, and was not worried, and anyway Jin and she had a relationship of trust. But she could tell Jin trusted me as a friend, and that was rare, so she wanted to get to know me.

I explained I could not right now, because I had to find those applications that I had filled out much better, to show my new boss that I was competent after all. I had left them at a desk in the library, but the desk was not where it used to be any more. someone had moved it. I remember it was a small one person desk made out of light colored wood.

Jin's partner left me as I continued my search for the desk. I think this search was still ongoing as I woke up. Although I may have found the desk at some point, but it was hard to tell whether it was the same desk or a different one like it, given that it was elsewhere and had someone else's stuff on and near it.

In my dream my husband is out of town (as he is in real life).

In my dream I asked a coworker out on a date, and he happily accepted.

See this is a perfect example of why I want to lucid dream. This is not who I am in waking life. This is not who I want to be. This is not who I choose to be.

Yes, I am lonely when my husband is out of town I get it.
I will also admit that I like this coworker ... as a coworker, as a buddy, as someone to share ideas with and to joke with.

Infidelity is a big no-no for me, and I also get that my mind therefore decided to present me with this scenario to shock me, to tell me "See I know how to push your buttons." Here is something that would really bother you.

But we already knew that! We already knew that I am struggling with self-esteem issues and with taking control over who I want to perceive myself as and deciding what is proper.

This however I know is not proper. And I refuse to think that I "need" this, so subconscious fuck off! I am going to relearn lucid dreaming, and make sure that I get to decide what I do and what is right for me.

If I am so fucking lonely tonight, why not give me a dream of my husband instead. That would have been nice, ok? But no, my subconscious, you decided to play games with me. Well, I don't appreciate that!

In an hour I need to get up and go to work and face this coworker, and forget that my subconscious asked him out on a date.