lunagoddess

+I find out I died when I was an infant and came back to life a few hours later. I told my sister and asked my mom about it. D and I were skiing and snowboarding on very icy snow. I couldn’t wait to be done because it wasn’t good conditions. Erica met me at the bottom. She accidentally dropped and broke a wooden box of mine. I didn’t care, one less thing to have to pack back home. She ended up dying and I was upset. I kept trying to sneak into some compound and so was another girl. There are nerds keeping lookout and they spot me so I lock myself in the bathroom. There are towel rods along the walls and a window at the very top of the room so I climb up. I bide my time up there because there are housekeepers outside of the window. I wait for them to leave but the towel rod I’m holding myself up on is starting to come out of the wall. Eventually I just jump through the window and they spot me. I find out Brooks is dying and I sob about it and hug her. I’m told I have ovarian or uterine cancer and that also makes me emotional. So much death.

+D is in the military and I’m with him. We’re in a tank and I try to convince to break the rules with me and do something fun. He refuses. His comrade is staring at me and eavesdropping. I pretend not to notice. There’s a little girl I really like and we give her fireworks, which she loves. She also has a parade of large cats. I’m watching a video about a woman having to wait in line to vote and she starts belly dancing to the rhythm of the politician’s lies. She's very good. The politicians try to convince us they don’t make that much money. I riot breaks out against Hilary Clinton becoming president. It’s really large. But the police come in and break it up, driving through with giant tanks that are so tall I can’t see past the wheels. Everybody is really upset. I’m in my gma’s living room trying to tell my family about it. I get really emotional and can’t open my eyes because I’m crying. I tell everyone who will listen that we are not a free country at all. We’re being controlled and sedated through the mass media and militant power of the state. It really upsets me because I’m able to see clearly in my mind how our country could be better: a place where everyone is working together on the same level. How can we say that we live in a free country if we can’t even stand in the street to advocate for change that the collective society desires? Someone posts how angry they are about it on Facebook. Trish gives me a sequined purse pinata. It has essential oils and it’s made to be hit to let out anger. In the middle of the night I escape under a bridge to do gardening. All the soil in my succulent pot disappeared and the leaves on my peace lily are very brown. I’m confused because they weren’t this way yesterday. D catches me having snuck out and tells me to be careful outside at night. I go to get food and have to walk behind this big guy who is attracted to me. He lets me go ahead of him and gives me a shirt to change into, which I do. I order tacos and they ask if I want cayenne pepper on it. I say yes and he recommends a certain kind of sauce, so I tell them to do half sauce and half cayenne. The worker takes a bite of the saucy taco and loves it.

I’m on a date with my previous step dad. We’re eating dinner on a balcony across from a hospital. It’s night so I can see inside some of the rooms with lights on. My previous step dad has a double who is working at the hospital. I see him in the room opening up chlorhexidine wipes. The one I’m on a date with asks what I do for a living. I point to his nursing double at the hospital but he refuses to look. I don’t like him and I’m totally over the date. I’m eating a snack bag of potato chips. A girl and her mom come over to my table (both overweight) and ask to have the chips. I tell them absolutely not! They then offer to pay for them. Once they get up to the $20 range I let them have it, it’s half eaten anyway and I start to feel like I’m cheating them. In the process, some other guy gets involved and I ditch my date for him. “Are you sure? I don’t have that much money.” He asks. “You have more money than him.” I say while rolling my eyes. We end up getting married and buying a house together. It’s a pretty old house on a farm. I feel like I’m settling a little bit but this is good for now. I like the surrounding open spaces with horses. He is excited about the view on the roof from the hot tub. We end up having 6 kids. 3 of them are now teenagers and 3 are toddlers. My husband gets into the wrong crowd and starts dealing drugs. From third person I watch a car and motorcycle chase he’s involved in. I shake my head in disappointment as he drives by the house and he looks surprised to see me. At this point it’s as though I’m in a movie and I know what’s going to happen next. I call a hitman on my husband who sits outside my house in a yellow minivan. I don’t know when he’s going to shoot so I’m trying to hide. I expect to hear gunshots but he must have used a silencer. When I come out to look, he’s shot all of my children except my teenage daughter who got away with an unwashed keepsake jacket from her brother. Each of my toddlers are sitting in their highchairs with bullets in the heads, surrounded by blood. I’m devastated but because this was like a movie I’d seen before, I expected it. The van was still there and they were watching me. I was hiding behind an ottoman and eventually they lost me so they started raiding the house. I ran out the front door with an overweight female friend. She was shot on the way out and dropped. I didn’t have time to save her. I ran faster than I ever have. I almost ran into a tree so I jumped off of it, which set me back a couple of feet. At this point the man was following me and gaining on me, yet he was walking calmly. I’m not sure why he didn’t just shoot me. He catches up to me and I jump on his back to attack him. He gives me a marker to write a specific derogatory term on his chin. I rebel by writing different derogatory things elsewhere and trying to choke him. He gets some kind of sexual pleasure out of it. I wonder if he’s someone from my past that I wasn’t nice to. Perhaps I bullied him in school. He takes me to a motel who shelters abusive evil people. Through the windows I can see men who have skinned their own faces, raping women. I know I will find no refuge here. I leap into some bushes across the street and stay still. My captor is pissed off and asks a female from the hotel to help find me. I suddenly feel him start touching and grabbing my body but he’s not sure if it’s me. “I think this could be a hoodie.” He said as he touched the hood on my jacket. The lady made them tea from an apartment right next to me and turned on the pool lights. They started swimming and I figured they were distracted enough for me to run for it. But I had nowhere to go but in the pool with them. I tried to push them underwater and drown them. They stopped following me but I still didn’t feel safe without knowing if he was dead or not. I called 911 but they didn’t help. I went to my aunt’s old house and ate purple flowers. They tasted very perfume-y. My sister and some of her friends were there and they were sharing recipes. I was just drawing in a notebook with wooden pages. I was supposed to do my hair in a specific way in three low buns and I insisted I knew how because I wanted to be left alone, but I didn’t know how and people had to come back and help me. They told me my bobby pins suck. I went back home, exhausted of running for my life. I thought I had to do it more but I remembered that the rest of the running was on Breaking Bad and not part of my personal story. Although now I do have all those precious plastic beads I have to hide. Everyone knows that drug dealers (like my deceased husband) are great at making jewelry and their enemies want to steal the plastic beads. I went upstairs and grabbed some boxes of beads trying to decide where I could put them. There was a whole room full of them. I took them to a window overlooking a football field hosting a game and threw some out of the window. I was worried it would hurt the players. I didn’t want to be involved anymore so I went to the party room. It was nicer than I remembered. The floor was a nice hardwood but it was messy. I went in there and relaxed with the college kids who were playing drinking games during daylight.