solaetia

My husband was seeing someone else. We were polyamorous but I was unhappy. He and a woman and some other friends went to comedy show without me. I was devastated.
Walking down street trying to get to apt 4 at night. Raining? My best friend from high school [C] was my roommate but moving back to Europe with a grant to write something. We never talked although we lived together.

I was at a class– Spelling? Woman with baby used buzzer instead if clapping for asking questions. My husband and his girlfriend were in class before me
I told his gf how unhappy I was after I talked to my husband and asked him if it had to be this way. No one cared about my feelings.

My dog was locked in a room. It had a glass window, like recording booth. I somehow got her out and she turned into a large grey spider. I wanted her to change back, so I held onto her. Someone else there saw her and recognized bug as a 'world burther.'

Thought I saw my husband in a red [unreadable] with a baby going, to a show in a crowd of people. I ran up and hugged him but it wasn't him.

A strange man told me to come to the show to watch out for my husband. I began thinking I might divorce him. I thought about asking my parents if I could move in with them. I thought about how I was a burden to my parents.

My husband and I were on a vacation together, staying in a hotel that had a creepy manger. He was our age or older, and had a thick head of bushy brown hair and giant dark piercing eyes.
He was acting inappropriately towards me, in a very threatening way when no one else could see.
At one point I had to go back into the room with a key, to get additional clothing, headphones or earbuds, and [my?] wallet and the creepy manager was there, and I couldn’t find all of the things I needed before I felt like I needed to escape.

It was hazy and darkish and I was walking down a small alley/road with my dog and saw I saw another dog behind a fence that looked like her only a different color. I knew they had once known each other, or were siblings, and I wondered if they recognized each other; they seemed to.

My husband, creepy manger, one other guy and I were sitting on lawn chairs facing the ocean
It was sunny and warm
We were watching strange crustaceans and cuttlefish on shore, interacting with one another.
At first just one, but then all, began changing colors. Beautiful iridescent sparkling colors that faded into one another. I became lucid when I thought about how strange it was. The dream quality diminished instead of enhancing. The background with the animals froze, and things were dimmer all around. The people around me were still talking. I felt hesitant to fly or do anything too intense because it felt like I was about to wake up. I tried to interact with one and soon either woke up or lost lucidity.

I was driving a car with my brother in the passenger seat. The car started sputtering, and my brother gave me a look that said this happens all the time.
I pulled over near someones house and parked haphazardly.
People came out of the house an accused me of ruining some of their lawn ornaments. I apologized, and a younger woman asked me if I wanted coffee or tea or anything.

Thoughts:
The hotel part is similar to another dream Ive had recently—having to go back into the hotel rom with a key to get additional items while trying to avoid/not trusting the manger. Hmm. I need things, from an area that is supervised by someone I don't trust. I'll have to think more on this. Im not sure what ocean animals signify...perhaps deep-seated memories or creative ideas? And finally, I am in the drivers seat, although my car breaks down. Of course. I don't feel like the best example for my younger brother perhaps?

Fragment upon waking: 3 groups. 3 circles. The letters 'NC.' Guys being chosen for something, maybe to fight.

I watched an older man, with shoulder length white hair and wearing a fedora, ride off on a sort of monorail. It looked like he was sitting on a bike that he didn’t have to pedal. He went off into a field. No trees. He was going to get off in the middle of a field and start a job. The sun was setting and my vantage point was from the ground. There were wild flowers.

I was starting job. I walked from the parking lot of a giant home supplies-type-store and inside me and two other females walked up to a cash register to check in. We were told to buy restroom passes. I also bought some cinnamon gum and some taffy candy. One of the girls behind the register suggested I buy a parking pass as well, so I did. She said it was lavender scented and I said that was great. A man next to me kept dropping change, he was with us. He looked like my old art prof.

There were 2 people from an old job I had in my department at this new job. One was my new manager, I liked her. It was time for us to order food, and she gave me her order to put in. When I picked it up at another area in the giant warehouse/store, it was one small bowl of cereal, and one large bowl of cereal. I realized I had made a mistake, and took it to her and told her I would order what she wanted and I would pay for it. She wanted one small bowl of cereal and a vegetable quiche with no onions. I went to a phone and began telling the person on the other line the order when I noticed there was an echo. I saw a woman in my department just about five feet from me answering my call and putting the order in a computer. This seemed inefficient, so I walked over to her to fish the order. Then I sat down, and I was holding a folded pair of khaki slacks. As I moved there was a message I was listening to, about how someone couldn’t wait to see me. The girl overheard, and she made a cute ‘aww’ noise. She asked who it was from. I said a boy I went to school with, someone Ive known since I was 10, and I really don’t know very well at all. I added if I lived near him I probably wouldn’t be that interested in him. I told them how when were were kids, I was a cheerleader and he was a football player. I told them that later I went through a weird phase though, and that we should all have to go through a weird phase. Get fat, wear glasses, stuff like that. It builds character. We all laughed.
I ordered my food finally— a veggie burger with chips. I was told that if I wanted to get chips that I needed to adopt a baby. I said ok. A few minutes later I wondered if I should have consulted my husband first, and wondered if I could change my mind but still get my food.
I went to get burger, they handed me a cooked patty, no bun, condiments or plate. I looked around for chips, couldn’t find them.

Thoughts:
I find it strange how often I dream of exes from my childhood to semi-recent past. I don’t understand why…the guy fro this dream I haven’t thought of in years. In waking life he was my first kiss, and it was terrible for me. I was twelve years old and I wasn’t mature enough, nor interested in him at all when this happened, and I had committed to going to an upcoming dance with him as well. I went to the dance, had a horrible time. In retrospect I was just too young and not really ready to have a boyfriend. I liked boys, but as soon as they showed interest in me I felt disgusted by them. I don’t think that ended until I was around 17. The new job aspect of this dream: I am looking for part time work, but not of this nature. Maybe part of me fears getting a job I will not like or that I will make mistakes at a new job.

Apt # 4 again. I arrived there after being away for a while and found a note from an unknown organization that OF [old friend that I’ve fallen out with] might show up soon. I felt slightly stressed. Went in and cleaned the place up. OF never arrived, but OR [old roommate] did with someone else [mysterious, no face], and OC [old coworker] did with someone else [mysterious, no face]. I felt a little excited to unpack and rearrange, and thought of looking at maps for small towns to move to next. I thought about how my mom had kept renting this apartment for me on the side, even though I hadn’t been living here.
I was at a bar and I held an almost finished glass of water. MB was next to me and grabbed my glass, and I told her it was just water, and that I had a sore throat. I told her I wasn’t drinking alcohol anymore. She laughed and drank the rest anyway, and said, ‘you did drink too much.’
I remember walking down a long desert road, the kind of desert road that is at the foothills of mountains, rolling hills, lush with cactus, and beautiful. I also drove on a beach, close to, but avoiding the waves as they crashed in. The beach was northern and mostly sparse, a few jutting rocks and a few people.
Going back to apt #4, 2 dogs are out on the sidewalk in front, a small one and a larger chocolate colored retriever. The retriever was kind of defensive at first, but I found a nearby toy and deflected his anxiety and he eventually relaxed. He ran inside when I opened the gate. Ex [KT] was in my apt with a dog when I walked up the the door. He was sitting on my couch watching a video I had paused earlier on my little TV. I was angry, asked him what he was doing here. He told me I had planned it and said it would be good for us. I told him we had to cancel, I wasn’t up for it. He left and I regretted not telling him that I want his key back.

Thoughts:
I’m back at this transitional apartment. Should I be afraid? Prepared for some kind of struggle? Am I just comparing my current conditions to this place? I felt more together in this dream, not so angry. I have decided to not drink for a while. Maybe that is what this is all about.

I worked in cafe but it was a different building than in waking life, a nice big space. It was evening or late at night and we were getting ready to close. I was attempting to make vegan cookies and trying to find some vegan chocolate I could add. I remember seeing a Christmas tree that was in an adjacent room, and I unplugged, or plugged the lights in, I can’t remember. A lingering customer was remarking about how slow I drove my car, and I had an image of my [dream] car, with the entire front smashed, like a memory of a crash. I told him I drove slow because I had once crashed my car, and I showed him a fading bruise on my right inner bicep.
Outside, me and co-worker (old friend?) were going to our cars when we noticed two suspicious men on the roof of the cafe. We ducked down and tried to hide behind some structure. I think the men could see me, and I decided instead of remaining in hiding that we needed to distract them. I made an urgent look to a customer that was also outside- some man- and he seemed to get it and we both loudly talked about something and started to go back into the cafe.


Fragment: Editing some trailer or excerpt of a movie. Lots of problem solving dreams last night of this kind. Designing, editing, creating. Left me feeling tired when I initially woke up.

Wrote down notes on dreams, read a little and went back to sleep. More dreams below.

I was in my front room with my husband. We were sitting on the couch and a giant black bear was excitedly trotting back and forth between the couch and the front door, like my dog does when she wants to go out. In fact, the bear completely had my dog’s essence. I jokingly asked my husband, ‘Want to let her out?’ I got up and walked on the couch to reach for the front door, realizing that the bear could attack me at any moment. I opened the door and watched the bear run out and run down the street. I briefly wondered if I should warn the neighbors that a bear was running around.

I was making a movie with some people- maybe I was related to the director? We were hanging out on an urban street sidewalk, in an area that looked like an east coast city. An old male actor was standing next to me, and a slightly chubby man (my relative?). After a few minutes of discussing the movie or something else, we went inside a door behind us and it was this old man’s apartment. The carpet was old and stained and there were various rugs around. He mentioned something about liking my dog, or enjoying having her there, and he had a large dog that came in and tried to get near my dog but she seemed defensive. In the kitchen on the counter there were 3 bubbling pots- one was a tea kettle I think, the other perhaps coffee? And the third was apparently and experiment I had going on in a giant mixing bowl. It looked like bread dough in water with cayenne pepper, and I added something like apple cider vinegar. I have the idea that it was fermenting, not boiling.

I felt like an outsider. My mom and my brother were there. They each got a text from my aunt asking if they were going to the annual family boat reunion. I never attended this (dream event) but I was slightly hurt that I didn’t get this text as well. I was playing on my iPad/iPhone, editing movies or watching clips of a movie I was working on.

I was catching rides on large cruise-like boats by walking into the center of a bridge and stepping out as the boat passed under. I was able to step directly onto the boat without jumping using this method. Soon though a boat came and I wasn’t able to get on, but I notice a crowd of people, including an attractive woman around my age, were able to get on that boat in a way I couldn’t access. Then another series of boats show up, these are smaller, and several groups of teenage girls are on the bridge with me. They are dressed like they are on a sports team, mostly red and white colors, and they jump into the water next to the boats, or jump directly on the boats themselves. I contemplate doing this and then decide those boats aren’t for me and I think it’s too dangerous to jump anyway. An old school friend is near me and she agrees. I decided to wait for the next boat.

Thoughts:
A lot of this seems mundane. Bears are a common theme for my dreams, they used to be nightmares, now they just show up randomly. Im not sure why this one seemed like my dog, if that means anything to me. I think bears mostly symbolized anxiety for me in the past, or my father…now they seem to symbolize something that I am slightly afraid of, but think I can get around.
Boats and water are reoccurring a lot lately. These definitely seem symbolic, perhaps of subconscious emotions, or finding ways to navigate those emotions.
I live far away from my family, and have for a long time. I love them but I don’t want to live where they are, and it’s hard for me to travel to see them very frequently. I suppose I do feel left out, and although I talk to several of them frequently, I worry if I will regret this one day. Or if they think that I don’t care about them as much as I do. I am very introverted and could go days without talking to any human and be fine. I often realize that I have gone a while without reaching out, and wonder if I’m more oblivious than others when it comes to maintaining relationships.

Outside view of ‘my house’ [not house in waking life] It is dark outside, but the house is white and lit by moonlight. On the roof there is a small cemetery. Suddenly I am in the house, upstairs, near the window facing the cemetery. I hear a voice whispering my name: ‘soooolaaeeetttiiiaaa…I’m looking for sssooolllaaaeettiiaa…’ I open the window and there is a small creature with a black hooded cloak. It asks me if I will tickle it. <This sounds way more scary as I type it than it was experiencing it. The creature, although it’s skeletal face was mostly obscured, seemed benign.

I was working at the old cafe, but we had desks and small 8”-10” retro monitors. One of my monitors just said ‘baseball’ in white type on a black screen. A man who was either just hired or a new client hovered over me as another boss/employee explained what I was working on. I felt my space was being violated. Later, I was in the restroom and a man walked in looking around for things. I yelled at him to get out, and he argued that he knows what I look like and isn’t interested in me, he just needed some things from this room. Again, I felt violated.

People from the cafe were boxing up there things, I was one of the last people in the building. I had three bags and many different clothes and shoes that I was trying to gather and decide what to wear. A girl was lugging her things out and remarked on all the people being jailed. I responded that I was surprised or something, and she asked me in a slight shock if I wasn’t being arrested too? I said no they hadn’t arrested me, and she seemed to think that was unfair and continued on her way.


Thoughts:
My dreams seem uninteresting and meaningless at the moment, and I don’t feel like I am gaining much insight- expect that I am not very attend to my inner self at the moment. Maybe that’s the point. I feel distracted by things going on in my waking life. I know though that continuing to journal I will have some break throughs and get back to where I want to be, and hopefully progress from there.