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    1. 26 Mar: Being an Indian goddess

      by , 03-26-2019 at 09:50 AM (Lucid-schizo-dreamer)
      non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid false awakening

      I live in some ruined temple, like a spirit or ghost, kind of dreamy detachment, not interacting with humans for ages. I am balancing on a swing in a large inner courtyard and singing a song in a traditional Indian style. Then some kind of holy man comes by and sees me. He takes me for a goddess, bows down and worships me. He says my name, something starting with an "S" and kind of long, like Saraswati, but with a couple of "M" in the middle. Slowly I start recalling being this goddess and I feel immensely melancholic, with all the sorrows of the world in my heart. He runs to tell everyone that this goddess is back, thousands come to see me.
      But one man or demon doubts that I am immortal or hates me, so he shoots an arrow at me. I feel pain and he takes it as proof that I am no goddess. Then another man throws another arrow, and another and so forth. The pain is unbearable, but I dont feel that I am dying. Then people who stand by my side also start throwing arrows at the attackers and it seems the whole humanity is fighting, until I fall into the ground, more sad than hurt. Then some men and women around me stop shooting arrows and simply take care of protecting me and taking me to a safe place. They take care of me, remove the arrows with so much love and devotion and I feel better again. The man who threw the first arrow is killed and the fight stops. They bring me back to the temple and organize to take care of me and provide me what I need. I have a room, which looks more like a storage room of antiques, filled with ancient treasures, maybe offerings from my devotees. I feel so tired, I just want people to leave me there quietly alone for eons. But people can't just be quiet, they keep coming to visit me, looking for me, wanting to talk to me.. But I'm like a delicate flower, they shouldn't come close, they shouldn't touch me or talk to me. I stay in absolute silence whenever they address me and I finally decide I need to leave again from this human realm. It's too heavy for me. I hide in a moldy wardrobe, they think I am playing hide and seek and eventually take a peak inside. But I am no longer there. I just needed a dark quiet place to slowly float away to another plane. I can see them as if I am still sitting in the wardrobe, but I am nowhere and everywhere, until humanity needs me and deserves me some day. Then I'll reemerge.
    2. Letting go of trash

      by , 03-26-2019 at 01:44 AM
      So I had one dream and an AP style thing. Bunch of other stuff to note as well i guess. I think the ap was caused from intention to help a fellow DVer with ap stuff.


      Earlier that day.

      I was indulging in earthly vice of online video game and had a video about dream yoga playing in the background.

      Somehow youtube went to a video regarding Quantum touch healing thing. Talking about need to release emotional pain etc. I found it interesting so I decided to read the book and tried a few Techniques.


      I slept for a while and woke up, maybe a few fragments.

      Woke up then slept diagonally and just stopped using pillows. I felt the urge to try out the quantum touch stuff. Felt pain in an old surgical scar. I proceeded to try out techniques. I remembered the video about the need to release the anger. So I did. I remembered all the crappy memories back then and decided to face all the emotions I held back.

      ====memories===
      I had a teacher who was very... Spiteful and one dimensional who based a majority of our grade on notebook cleanliness. Mine was a mess. I never really needed those things. I just remembered everything. And my home life was a mess. Just like my notebook. I got 0 on each of notebook mark and was barely passing even though without that I'd have the highest grade in class.. She made us sign stuff from home that the parents would see the mark.

      My dad flipped. He always flipped. I was so much in pain. Told me to not come home unless I did better. I brought a knife from home at the crap apartment was preparing to off with it. I was caught. Yeah I had friends but no one to really talk about these kind of things with. It was the age of MSN messager and internet was banned. I ran away from home the following day. Was caught back home. That night I was hospitalized

      The stress made my appendix explode. I almost didn't seek help. Part of me wanted to die. A big part. Had a surgery. Botched surgery. Had to stay home (just moved to the house in the dream below, right during my hospitalization) with nurses coming daily to change the gauze that got stuck to the flesh and drain the infection. Nothing to do but watch TV without cable. Money making infomercials and kids shows. Lasted a few months. Went back to school. Stress from incompetent teacher. Wound reopened the same day and repeat above.
      ===memories end ==

      I cursed them all. I don't like being mad but I needed to release the energy. The scar I touched began to hurt. The nerves ran pain through my whole abdominal from the groin up to the chest right below the neck. Shooting sharp pains. Like needle being dug into flesh and pushed through in a vertical line. I honestly didnt even care about all this. About my memories. But if these memories are being replayed in background, they need to be gone, released, transformed. So I can make MILD or just intentions work without stuff blocking it. Yeah might sound overkill for LD fun but I think it's important for many other things too. Need to throw away garbage for a better self. Felt my body getting balanced. Muscles that wouldn't move properly before started to get better. Not prefect but better. I'll keep practicing then.

      Focused on MILD after that, didn't want to dream about angry stuff. Had trouble sleeping.

      +++Dream 1
      I had dreamt about a house I lived in while in high school in the suburbs. I was in the with couple of friends from back then. I went into the basement, there was a furnace. I let the furnace go out of control and it burned the house and everything around it. The heat was slow and heavy, like magma or radiation. I think this represented my letting go of energy stuck deep emotional sink earlier.

      And yes I ran away by myself. I said screw everyone else lol. I'm the opposite of that but it feels good to be bad sometimes

      Went to a plaza nearby. In the supermarket there were special black peppercorns. Duno why but I was very interested in the peppercorns. I saw friends and others escape from the fiery abyss as I excited the store. And continued to check out other places. I found a quaint little snack shack sort of. And my friend L was working there. She was a short cute little Asian girl if that matters. They sold peppercorns there too and it was half the price of the other store!

      I think i wake up now
      ++++

      Stay awake for a while had trouble sleeping. Just focused on breath. Kind of meditation as I lay there. I realized I failed to LD today but. I thought forget about it. Took my own advice that I gave to a dv member about just rest and stuff regarding ap. I just thought I'd get good rest, no Ld or anything.

      +++AP
      When I woke up I had the familiar vibration sound. It's that sound that happens before dream and stuff. I focused on it. Made it stronger. Felt like I lost it so I tried again. The vib kind of waned; I thought I failed but remembered to try to stand up from my previous experiences. I did and popped out. It was very dark though. Couldn't see my hands as I explored my bedroom. Tried rubbing hands didn't work tried again didn't work. I saw trace of light leaking through the curtains so I went there. I opened them and brilliantly bright and warm yellow light basked me.

      Woke up.

      I focused on the vib again and it happened. I pushed myself out. This time I wanted to go outside. Headed out the room and saw stairs (heard whispers like ghosts or watevs but I paid it no mind) most stuff was the same. Went out the door to backyard and I saw those grape pillars you grow grapes (these are not suppose to be there) on that intersects at top like hash tags, not sure what they're called. I decided I wanted to fly through one of the hash tag openings and I jumped. Jumped about 2 3 meters but didn't fly. I climbed up and kept climbing.

      Woke up

      Pushed myself out again. But this one didn't last very long.
      +++

      Pretty long rant but I guess everything is connected. A little before the surgery I had my first sleep paralysis, well maybe many. Wasn't intentional just happened randomly and couldn't sleep. Didn't have much after that. So maybe me letting this stuff go reconnected some stuff.

      My first experience I think was something like this. I had laid in bed for a nap and felt scared and heard scary vibration. I couldn't move and I saw a vision. I heard a heart monitor, "beep beep... beep" and I saw a hospital room. I saw a face of a middle aged caucasian man maybe 40s I think he was closer to 30 but bad health made him look older. Long face,sickly pale white as a ghost, freckles, short graying hair. Face shape similar to Dr. House but long before that show came out. The heart monitor for faster and faster. Beepbeepbeep. Until it flatlined, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

      Anyways back to Ld. I almost always become lucid in my dreams if I hear the vib during it so could I induce it myself somehow?

      A little week ago I had a DC trying to teach me true meditation. I woke up and heard vibrations when I tried to go into meditative state... Can I master that? Can I meet him again? So many questions.

      Vibrations induced lucid dreaming - VILD would be totes cool
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