Recent DJ Posts

Not many dreams. Jamie drive by again? I was pulling into the Reddi-mart to pull out some cash. Noticed the one car with the wannabe red but not quite color. Stared intently inside... I saw a woman with brown hair, sort of like Jamie but unsure. She seemed to notice I was looking her way and she defiantly turned her gaze to the side (but was probably just shoulder checking for oncoming traffic before turning.). moments later while inside... her voice started up. "Why did I do that? I'm sorry." Her voice was apologizing non stop throughout the day. Her crime - Doing the freezout thing. I mean I'll try my best to let it slide. Even though her voice promised me that she would not do that anymore. I'll admit when I worked with her - it was an extremely frustrating thing to deal with. I have never liked it, don't currently like it, and never will. Experiencing that currently kind of doesn't help. Remember - I'm absolutely certain I have at least mild traits of BPD myself. The worst thing for me emotionally is to consistently re live past trauma. It's bad enough that I currently live with my dad, even though he is getting old and feeble - He still is emotionally abusive. Constantly scoffing in disappointment over every single thing I do. Also Boomer parents, "Why don't my kids wanna see me.?" I'm absolutely positive Jamie reads these, so please take these things into consideration. I have stated a lot on this journal, that I am trying my best to work on my issues around her, so that I can be a safe place for her. It should go both ways. I'm dedicated to being sensitive and accommodating to her issues, and working it out with her with good communication. I however, expect the exact same thing from her. Because if me mentioning in a dream how long it's been since we've talked and how salty I am about it is going to trigger her badly into a splitting episode, What does she think ignoring me in outright defiance does to me? It's a fine line - walking on eggshells. And I do pray everyday that Jesus somehow solves her BPD issues. There's a guy on Tik tik sensitive.stability - a self proclaimed self cured BPD guy that has a program for trying to be symptom free. It probably costs money, but it might be worth it for us to check it out. It's loosely based on DBT. Another thing is that her voice keeps asking for prayers, when we both gt upset at this stuff. That's really good. Wether the prayers are getting answered or not, it's a good thing that seems to help us stay grounded with one another.


On a lighter note. If Jamie wants to talk to me I imagine we are going to have some pretty awkward initial conversations. Somehow I don't think,"Hey there Captain Booty cheeks, are you ready to make that daughter we've been dreaming about? Or are you chicken?" is going to work well.

Dreams:

first night: Nothing, except a flash of Jamie coming up to me and hugging me.

Night after her apparent) run in.


Wal-Mart

I was in a Wal-Mart with some native girl who wanted to be my girlfriend. I saw a Woman I recognized as Shannon M from didsbury (Nice trailer park lady who worked at Hi-Ho for years. Has a couple kids - one borderline daughter with a kid) I'm like "Hey!" And the woman (Possibly Jamie.) started hugging me from behind really tightly and kissing the back of my neck in the same spot over and over again. I was walking as she did this. The Native girl was staring at me funny. I said, "I know this lady I worked with her at Wal-Mart for 5 months or so." (In reality I never worked with shannon but the line implies I was recognizing Jamie). The dream seems to end there.

17/10/2024 @ aprox between 10:30 am - 11:30 am - My first lucid dream in YEARS, possibly over a decade.

I was running from a special ops unit through a tightly packed, derelict abandoned gated community. It was night though it was well lit from the full moon with a blue-ish white tint. They where looking for me as I had found some highly advanced alien technology which had unlocked dormant supernatural powers within me. (Invulnerability and atom manipulation)

Because of my new found abilities I was defending myself against these special ops agents with ease, disassembling their atomic structure as they evaporated into shadows of shouldering ash. Their weapons had no effect on me so I was without fear and in no sense of urgency to escape.

In order to enhance these abilities further I had to find a ring I had misplaced which I was unable to find.

*MOMENT OF LUDICITY* :

I discovered I was dreaming because I realized how outlandish the situation was. In that instant I had became lucid and the entire world began to wobble and wriggle about like an impossibly designed, intricate childs drawing and what I can only describe as what I imagine having an acid trip would be like. With this realization the most amazing feeling of power, warmth and joy washed over me.

Before I had discovered I was dreaming, the dream world was seamless and indistinguishable from the real world. It's almost like as soon as my rational brain had woken up and my rational focus was shone onto the dream world that my fully conscious self was too much for the dream world to sustain believably or I was taking up too much resources so it began to struggle with the weight of my fully conscious being's presence.

The excitement must have been too much as I was not able to explore far, not so long after I had become lucid the world began to break up around me and I found myself slipping into a closing, narrowing, clear, crisp, mildly pixelated, almost digital thinly and sparsely detailed oval tunnel of white light with a slit of black at the end.

Before long the tunnel of white light had disappeared and all too soon I was in the dark looking at the back of my eyelids back in bed having left the lucid dream behind. It sounds a lot like was people describe dying as being like! I really felt like I had left my body and had come back from somewhere else outside of my body.

(Reflection) Maybe dying is waking up from the dream of the real world.

Ever since I had this lucid dream I am able to remember at least one dream per night in excruciating detail hours after I've woken.