Dream Dream Dream Dream Dream Dream

ahhh let's see

Dream
Imma just write down the fun part, which was that I was with my boyfriend and Super Smash Bros Melee player Mang0, doing some thing or other. My boyfriend was relaxing shirtless nearby, when Mang0 upended his bottle of ice cold water over my bf's chest. And my boyfriend just did not react at all. Ice cold water just running down his chest and soaking into his pants and he didn't even move. Mang0 was surprised like "Oh, I see why you like him now," and I was like "Right??" At which point my boyfriend was sort of getting flustered by this high praise. And then Mang0 got my boyfriend working on a website for him and I was like aw yeah, people I like are working together.

Which is weird for a couple reasons. First of all, in waking life if you upended a bottle of ice cold water anywhere NEAR my boyfriend's chest, he would launch away from it like a cat. Secondly, I didn't realize that I'm a Mang0 fan, and actually I still don't even know if I am, considering my brain attributed to him the unflattering action of dumping cold water all over someone with no regrets.

If my brain's sending me any kind of signal it's probably that I shouldn't treat my boyfriend like he's more unfeeling than he is. Or at least, I'm worried about doing that. Originally, it was something that I liked about him, because with my depression I didn't like the idea of getting close to someone I loved only for them to be dragged down by it. But I think that train of thought might've mutated into something more along the lines of "it's okay to disregard his feelings," which would be. Unpleasant. I mean, for someone like me who worries about screwing up and isn't always sure what will hurt people or why they feel the way they do, it would be a relief, but still. That sounds more like I'm treating him like a punching bag or a ragdoll.

Gotta keep learnin' about relationship stuff. I don't really know what I'm doing or the best way to love someone. I'm the kind of person who tries to approach emotion with hardcore analysis. I don't feel like I can rely on my feelings to guide me in anything, they seem too inconsistent. And I like the idea of rationally and deliberately choosing an approach that'll make my boyfriend feel more cared about. But sometimes it just seems too mechanical, somehow. It makes me feel like I don't know what my "genuine" actually is. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaanyway. Thoughts and feelings continue to be a complicated matter.