DeepEnd

My husband was going into the army and we were becoming close friends with the army srgts and the army wives. We were staying the night at a hotel close by. I asked to borrow one of the army wives clothes since I found myself naked? But then I wasn’t when I was given access to her closet and drawers. I changed and then realized the men were going off to war and expected my husband on the plane. I looked at the army wide and her husband. He was 20 she was 50. I told my husband to wait because I felt that him being in the army would ruin our marriage and I could prove it to him. I asked the wife how many times she had been married. She said 3. I then asked how many were to army men and she looked sad and said three. I said “see! It’s a game they are playing, she’s using the men to live off of. They go to war and die and she gets another one. And I don’t do that I won’t live like that!” Then we left. I thought about taking the clothes I borrowed but decided to change back into my old things and woke up.

We recently bought a house in a small town. In the Deepdown an old waitress in a flo cap that smoked cigarettes told me that the town was once busy and people visited from all over. Today my elderly neighbor was talking about our town and she said what the waitress said in my dream. “Sometime before 90s when the big box stores came and took the people further down the road this town was something. People came by bus to see it. That was a long by time ago.” It Made me realize that here in the deep down aren’t so far apart

I’ve been visiting the Deepdown a lot lately. I know when I am there because I am always about 19-21 years old. Sometimes I live with my parents. In the Deepdown I experience social life like I did as a teenager. I look for people to visit and to drink with. I find it very relaxing in the Deepdown. There im not an alcoholic. Last night I bought a bottle of vodka in a store on the way home to my parents in my dream. I realized it was Isopropyl and could not drink it. I vaguely thought about hiding it but didn’t put much effort into it. I decided to go out and pick some more up and then find a friend to spend time with. I found that I was very excited to do this, it fulfilled something deep and lacking. It was almost the actual addiction- spending time with someone I didn’t have to be perfect around someone I could party with and just be me. Even after to knew the store was closed I didn’t feel upset, I thought oh well I’ll go to a friends anyway. The alcohol wasn’t the main event- the socializing was. I found it strange that I felt I needed to seek out lower class people, people I knew from around the town I live in real life. Not friends but people I would have gravitated towards when I was drinking. I was aware of this discrepancy in my dream but I only took note of it and then went to find them. I woke up. I don’t see my drinking dreams as an issue or as a psychological failure in my 5 years of sobriety. The Deepdown has its own set of rules. There I’m young, people don’t die, people know you and I am not an alcoholic. I enjoy visiting the Deepdown, it feels like home. If that makes sense.