FallenAwake

From 4/22/11

While listening to 60 minutes delta binaural audio
Body kept jerking, releasing energy and/or resisting releasing
Discomfort, feel sick (am getting sick, a cold I think…yep, I can confirm this days later)
The pads of my feet hurt
Want to turn my head and sleep
Visuals coming and going


Then I do FFEDCIDA practice (Face, Feel, Expand, Dissipate, Coalesce, Integrate, Decide, Take Action)
(I want to add "simultaneous opposites combining"; it feels like it belongs around expanding, dissipating, and/or coalescing)

Muddy orange color
In large geometric pattern in my stomach
Like a cube but more complex, diagonal layer
Unfolding, shifting, almost clunking but that’s not the right word

Thought of being sick as a baby, when I was so sick it scared my mom
Out of control, discomfort, nothing to do, angry at being controlled
Angry and helpless and fucking pissed

Anger dissipating – fast, whirlwinds out
Into nothing, blackness?
It feels like the blackness is almost closing in on it, eating it

Fear…of that blackness, I’m somewhat ashamed to admit
Opulent white swirling energy I used to use when I did massage and subtle energy work to surround myself reaches up and twines with the orange
It feels right
Twining, like oil and water, such different energies. The orange static, the white multidimensionally hued, shifting around, how will they come together? I watch.
What is that white energy? Gratitude, it seems.
Deep gratitude like in the last lucid dream.
It is coming together
This lasts a while

The energy straightens into brown, tree-like texture
Logs almost
But hollow
One settles across the back of my body at my shoulders, holding them strong
Two more down my torso’s sides
Strength
Body feels healthier
Whole body jerks, back arches
One has settled in my spine, up my neck?

Feeling grounded
After getting up, I recalled that when I had used that white swirly energy as a protection when I did massage and energy work, I also put a shell up around it that looked like the texture and color of those logs. I think I got some backbone back.

Apparently anger and gratitude can be a powerful mixture. Mixture isn’t quite the right word, it is as if they partially combust and transform when mixed to make something new. I’d say alchemy but that just sounds too hooey.

not that this whole thing wouldn't to most people.