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    Awake Meditation: Baby Angry!

    by , 04-28-2011 at 07:26 AM (791 Views)
    From 4/22/11

    While listening to 60 minutes delta binaural audio
    Body kept jerking, releasing energy and/or resisting releasing
    Discomfort, feel sick (am getting sick, a cold I think…yep, I can confirm this days later)
    The pads of my feet hurt
    Want to turn my head and sleep
    Visuals coming and going

    Then I do FFEDCIDA practice (Face, Feel, Expand, Dissipate, Coalesce, Integrate, Decide, Take Action)
    (I want to add "simultaneous opposites combining"; it feels like it belongs around expanding, dissipating, and/or coalescing)

    Muddy orange color
    In large geometric pattern in my stomach
    Like a cube but more complex, diagonal layer
    Unfolding, shifting, almost clunking but that’s not the right word

    Thought of being sick as a baby, when I was so sick it scared my mom
    Out of control, discomfort, nothing to do, angry at being controlled
    Angry and helpless and fucking pissed

    Anger dissipating – fast, whirlwinds out
    Into nothing, blackness?
    It feels like the blackness is almost closing in on it, eating it

    Fear…of that blackness, I’m somewhat ashamed to admit
    Opulent white swirling energy I used to use when I did massage and subtle energy work to surround myself reaches up and twines with the orange
    It feels right
    Twining, like oil and water, such different energies. The orange static, the white multidimensionally hued, shifting around, how will they come together? I watch.
    What is that white energy? Gratitude, it seems.
    Deep gratitude like in the last lucid dream.
    It is coming together
    This lasts a while

    The energy straightens into brown, tree-like texture
    Logs almost
    But hollow
    One settles across the back of my body at my shoulders, holding them strong
    Two more down my torso’s sides
    Body feels healthier
    Whole body jerks, back arches
    One has settled in my spine, up my neck?

    Feeling grounded
    After getting up, I recalled that when I had used that white swirly energy as a protection when I did massage and energy work, I also put a shell up around it that looked like the texture and color of those logs. I think I got some backbone back.

    Apparently anger and gratitude can be a powerful mixture. Mixture isn’t quite the right word, it is as if they partially combust and transform when mixed to make something new. I’d say alchemy but that just sounds too hooey.

    not that this whole thing wouldn't to most people.

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