IndigoRose

1st time being lucid 2 times per night!

comment non-lucid semi/questioning lucid

Waking up at 10:00 (falling asleep around 5). Journaling 3 dream fragments.
Some problems with sleeping. 10:50 postman.

Hill and a subway
I am hiking to some hill and I take the subway on my way back. I am worried that I fail to get off at the correct station.

FA1
I am in some room, in a guest house, after coming back from the hike. It's the morning and I am putting on a long canvas dress, even though it looks weird and it is cold.

FA2
I am again in some kind of accommodation (possibly the same as in the previous dream) but the room is different. I really want to sleep but I am worried that it's too late and I don't know when the checkout time is. Then there is R and he is not worried at all. He offers me some breakfast cereals. I remember I've already eaten them and threw away the box (IRL). I am thinking that he probably hid/put aside some of them. I want him to find out when the checkout is.

FA3
I am again in the same room but this time, I am sleeping on a mattress on the ground, close to the bed from the previous dream. R is next to me, taking too much space and waking me up and I am mad because I want to sleep. Then I remember that we actually sleep somewhere else, so I should get enough sleep, even though I am not sleeping here.
Then the dream shifts to some time later and we are getting up. R is sitting on the mattress. I say "this is a FA" and do a nose-plug RC. I can breathe. But I am still confused and I can't see well. I ignore R (he doesn't exist anyway) and have the idea to find my glasses, maybe they help me with my vision. I go to the bed from FA2, trying to find them. I find it fascinating that I can be dreaming and moving at once. It's like I think I am sort of sleepwalking and the bed from FA2 is my real bed and my body is my real body. I find the glasses but I don't use them - I am thinking that this all is creating in my head so it would be pointless to try to wear the glasses.
I go to the window, thinking about jumping out and flying. But what if this is reality?
I go to the door and suddenly, my vision is much better and not blurry at all. I think I woke up (in my sleepwalking body). I do the nose-plug RC again and I can breathe, so I relax. I notice R is watching me and feel bad for ignoring him. I tell him that this is a FA and because he saw me doing the nose-plug RC, I try to show him finger-in-palm RC but it doesn't go through. I try it again, really believing it can go through, but nothing. I think I am really bad at this.
I finally remember my goal to pass through a wall. But there is no point in trying to go through a wall if I can't make my finger go through my palm.
I wake up. DEILD attempt failed.

Time: 12:40
I can't sleep. Some unstable minidreams.

MiniWILD
I can't sleep and I am feeling earthquake-like vibrations. It's annoying because I want to sleep but I am familiar with them and prepare for a separation attempt.
I stay at our garden door. I slowly sit down, remembering that I need to take things slowly and slowly try to separate. Then I realize I am not in my bed anymore, which means I am already separated.
The dream collapses.
Then there is another wave of vibrations. But nothing afterwards.
I can't sleep...

I wake up at 13:25, I want to get up. I take another cushion, put my glasses on, trying to find the will for journaling my dreams. But I feel too tired. I put the glasses away and close my eyes... ten more minutes... or maybe a WILD? Falling asleep feels easy.

PseudoWILD
I watch HI and daydream a little bit, interacting with the HI and dreamlets.
At one moment, I notice there is instrumental music in the background. I realize it is in my head and not outside, so I could use it to get into the dream. I focus on the music, trying to raise the volume.
Through small gaps in my eyes, I start to see a room. It works. But it fades a little bit and I feel my body in the bed (dream body, dream bed). I focus again and I can almost see through my eyes but also not really. I have the idea that my dream eyes are closed and I try to open them. It works. I close my eyes and open them again and my vision is very good.
I get up, slowly, worried about the stability of the dream, but it's fine and I walk a bit. I am in an unknown room, my dream bed is there and another bed/sofa. And R is here, I bump into him on my way to the door. He blocks my way out, I almost pass through him but not fully. I tell him "you are just a DC, you don't exist" (really meaning "you shouldn't be blocking my way"). He says nothing.
I take his hand, leading him to the sofa, sitting next to him. He now looks like my brother, J. I say "and that's why you look like J". I feel sorry for him but skip to the only idea I have how to use this dream. "Do you want to have sex?" I ask. He is silent. "Do you want to do something else?" He shakes his head and gives me and an empty look.

I wake up. The time is 1:51. Interestingly, I feel well and not tired anymore.

Notes:
- I struggle with fake insomnia. It can manifest as dreams about not being able to sleep (as above) or I can be in a conscious NREM sleep while thinking I am awake. Basically, my ability to tell the difference between conscious NREM and being awake is almost non-existent.
- I can't tell if the pseudoWILD was WILD or not. I obviously dreamed most of the "transition". What I perceived as my bed and my body was a dream bed and a dream body (most probably). I can't tell if the music was a HH (then it would count as a confused WILD, I guess) or if it was a part of the dream (so technically not a WILD). But if I lost my self-awareness, I was out for a minute or two, probably not much more. The whole thing took between 20 and 25 minutes.

comment lucid non-lucid

VILD during a late WBTW. Visualizing something about an old woman who would teach me visualization. I think she is my dream guide because it was my subconscious filling in her look. I want to meet her in a dream one day.
I am losing it, my minds wander through short daydreams, dreamy thoughts and minidreams.

Rose Garden
In my childhood garden, I am thinking about where to plant roses.

A shitty dream sign
I am in my grandmother's house, with my husband, in her bed. I notice he has something brown on his green fleece jacket and it is poop, stuck to his jacket in several places on his back!
I call my mum but I can't scream, so I tell him to call her. She comes and takes the jacket and tries to clean it.
I talk with her about how she got a water tap to this room (it isn't there IRL). She tells me to think. I realize there always was a water pipe on the other side of the wall. But I don't understand why the water pipe leads through a wardrobe.
I think about how my husband was able to get the poop all over his jacket. How was he able to do it? And how was he positioned in the litter tray?
I realize it is my cat usually having these problems, not my husband!
I am waking up from the dream but I feel relaxed. There will be another dream soon.

Exploring a mysterious research facility
I am lying on a floor, it's made of beige tiles, cold and sloping down from me. I realize this is my dream body lying there, feeling this, and I am lucid! I am worried about the dream not being stable yet but I try to slide down the slope, head first. But I have some clothing under me, preventing this. I return to my original position, worrying about moving my real body if I do something too radical.
Then I decide this is stable enough and movement helps to stabilize anyway, so I adjust my clothing, sit, and slide down the slope, gaining speed on my way down.
Under the slope, I stand in a corridor. There are two doors, partially open. I choose the way directly forward but can't stop thinking about the other door. What was there?
Behind the door, there is another corridor and some cabinets with drawers. It feels like some (old/socialist/east European) research facility or a similar institution (imagine tiled floor, wood veneer on furniture, and that ugly yellow waterproof paint on the walls). I open some of the drawers, they are very detailed but empty.
There are more doors and I have to choose again. I feel a presence behind one of those doors and get worried about someone finding me here. I quickly progress away from this presence and suppress the thought.
Another door and I can hear some people and smell food. Great, I think, an opportunity to taste some food in a LD.
It looks like a cafe. They have some deep-fried stuff and some big fried balls, maybe eggs. I ask if I can get something and they tell me to wait in line.
I start remembering that I was just sleeping and only have my sleeping clothes and no money with me. That sounds like a problem. I have an idea to check my pockets but no money they - only an old, used, paper tissue. I try again and try to really believe that I have money but again, nothing there.
It's my turn and I say that I want something to eat but have no money. They obviously think I am crazy. I ask them if they can give me something again but people around laugh, thinking I am some poor student.
I leave the room, feeling embarrassed. Isn't it stupid, that I have to pay in my own dream?
I try spinning around to leave the scene and change the scenery but I only crash into an automatic door and hurt my arms. Which is even more embarrassing.
Then there is a huge hall, like a railway station or something like that. There are people - many of them - hurrying somewhere, everyone going somewhere and there's too many of them and I am still disoriented after crashing into that door and I don't know what to do.
Suddenly, there is my ex, S. He says: "You are someone I used to have sex with a lot" and I say "You are someone I used to have sex with a lot" too and we hug and start to make out.
I tell him "this is my dream" and he says "no, this is my dream". I say "I don't believe in shared dreaming" and I think that means that one of us has to be lying. And it has to be him because I know I am dreaming. Or is it possible to be in someone else's dream? What if this is really his dream and this is the reason why I lack control?
I notice that his face has changed. His hairs are now short and his face is different. And he feels like someone else. Is this some shared dreaming trick? I ask him why is he looking different.
I wake up.

Finally, some time to catch up with the DJ here.
No lucidity this time but I am including this because the dream - daydream confusion is somewhat important to me.

dream comment

O and a lake
A dream about my friend O and a frozen lake. Trying to cross the like and worrying about the thickness of the ice.

A&P
My friends, A and P, have a bunch of rings, some are their wedding bands, some are other rings, we talk about them. There is a stone, blue and gold, with a labradorite-like effect, very heavy. I like that.
In this dream, I think it is a daydream and not a dream. Later, I realize this was a dream.

Grandmother
I am with my grandmother, in her garden. There are some weeds. I am thinking about possible spaces for planting roses.
I think this is a daydream and not a dream.
Then we go inside and I log my previous dreams (O and a lake, A&P) in my DJ.
For some reason, I don't wear any top. Some girl wants to see what I am writing but I tell her it was personal. But I show it to her anyway.

Gravel road
I am lying on a gravel road, trying to sleep. I decide there is no point in trying to sleep. I decide to log my dreams.
Then I go down the road.
And again, I think this is a daydream!
There is a blanket and my husband and I sit next to him and think about my dreams. I remember I forgot my DJ up on the road but forgot it after a moment.
Right next to us, there is a house and a door and I get inside with some female DC. It is a house of someone rich and important but they don't live there anymore and artificial intelligence is caring for the house. The girl DC let them to serve us and care for us. We are there for days or weeks (it doesn't feel like that but it the knowledge behind the dream).
Then we are outside again and they catch us and someone is surprised by our behavior.
I slowly wake up from this, struggling to believe it was a dream, but remembering that I already logged my dreams twice!



And another one on 3rd April

I am trying to VILD. I imagine drawing numbers and colouring them. Then I daydream about being an apprentice of a master of drawing. But it doesn't last long.
I slip into a mi of short daydreams turning into dreams. I feel awake and aware of my surroundings but I don't realize that some daydreams fully turned into dreams.

Sex
I am in a room with some people/friends. I am wearing my nightie only. T touches my breasts under the nightie. I tell him that I don't mind him doing that but that I don't like not having control over it (basically, that I want it and he should continue but I don't like him not asking).
I snap my fingers and all other people in the room disappear, it's just two of us.
I love that. I think how cool it would be to have this skill in a real dream, but this doesn't count because it is only a daydream.
Then we start kissing... and other things.



Notes
I don't know why I struggle with this. Maybe because I like to daydream and my morning daydreams with closed eyes can be vivid and look the same as dreams - at least to my half-asleep brain.
About the differences:
Visualization - completely conscious, needs to be maintained with a lot of energy, needs to be micromanaged.
Daydream - telling myself a story, it can be with our without a narrative over, usually with good visuals. It's part me, part subconscious. Me steering the whole thing but micromanaging isn't needed. It stops if I stop.
Dream - 100% subconscious, running on its own.

I used to think that when anything happens in my daydream which I didn't put there (a new object, a new scenery) that it means that it is a dream. But in fact, it is not stable at that point. It needs more to become a dream.
When daydreaming during hypnagogia, a lot can happen. My dreaming mind is usually trying to distract me by changing the scenery and changing things in my dream. It is OK to let it rather than trying to keep the focus... but it is then hard to stay lucid. This often leads to semi-lucid dreams. With a good chance of regaining the lucidity later.

One more note: My FAs are never in my bedroom. It can be a hotel room, random room, or just trying to sleep anywhere, like on the road. Fragmented low-quality sleep causes this type of FAs for me.

comment non-lucid lucid something else

11 am - accepting a package from a courier, using the bathroom
after 11 - MILD mantra, MILD visualization, continuing with VILD but my brain doesn't cooperate and I can't get it going. 2 fast cycles of SSILD but I can't focus anymore.
My brain continues to VILD on its own and doesn't want to go to sleep - there some part-visualization/part-dreams.

Formula1 racer
I am talking to someone who is a Formula1 racer.
I can't tell if this was a visualization/daydream or a dream. I think I was still active in it but the subconscious was doing a large part.

Very friendly girl
Suddenly a scene appeared. I was sitting behind a table and a girl with brown hair came and sat against me. I was holding a book and she asked if I didn't mind that the authors aren't lucid enough. I answered that I could understand for some of them but not the creative ones (or something like that, it didn't make much sense/was based on false knowledge). Then she got closer to me and started kissing me. I was screaming "this is a dream, this is a dream" in my head but nothing happened and it ended as suddenly as it started.
It felt more like a dreamlet than a dream. That dream feeling just wasn't there. But it was too sophisticated and too long to be a dreamlet. I don't know. Certainly not a fully formed normal dream.

I can't fall asleep.
Checking the time, it's 12 am.
Desperate, I ask my subconscious to just let me sleep.
I think there was some NREM sleep after this. Nothing conscious.

We miss you, Grandma
There is a scene forming around me. I see it forming and my first thought is "I am not visualizing this" and the second "this has to be a dream".
I sit on a bed in a room with the bed, a table and kitchen cabinets. It is supposed to be my first adulthood flat but it looks more like my childhood home. Everything is extremely blurry and quite dark but I can feel it is stable. I touch the bed and feel the texture and the vision gets slightly better, there are two very blurry circular spots in my vision.
There is my dead great-grandmother next to me so I think at least use this low-quality dream to hug her. I hug her and tell her "I love you very much and we miss you, grandma". She strokes my hair and says "My IndigoRose". I ask her if she liked how my grandmother (her daughter) refurbished the flat. She said she liked it but was worried about her. And we talk about my grandmother getting old.
Then I go to the kitchen sink (which is also a toilet?) and help with washing some vegetables there.
It gets blurry again and I touch a chair and feel the grain of the wood. It helps but my vision is weird - with vertical strips of blurriness and with gaps. Slowly, it gets better but I am confused, forgetting where I am. I say "this is still a dream", actually realizing that and clearing my confusion. There is my brother on the bed and because he has heard me, I repeat "this is a dream" but he stares at me blankly and says nothing. I show him a finger in the palm RC but it doesn't work, my finger doesn't go through. I laugh but I still know it is a dream. I do nose plug RC and I can breathe easily. I tell him: "You see, I can breathe" but he is not impressed.
There is a woman sitting on a chair next to the door, she is supposed to be a family member but I don't know which one. She has a big black spot on her face and I wonder if dreams do that.
I don't know what to do, I am thinking about jumping from the window and flying and I expect to fall and wake up and decide that this dream isn't good for trying it. I am also thinking "what if this is real?".
Then I hear my nose wheezing IRL and I expect to lose the dream but it is still stable. I try to clear my nose which I can do and the dream is still holding. But my real nose is still wheezing. I am annoyed by this dream and decide to wake up.
Which I wanted to do anyway in one of my dreams to prove my lucidity to myself. So at least this is one goal done.

comment non-lucid lucid

After waking up, falling asleep doing SSILD cycles.

I am still doing SSILD. I can see a little bit through my eyelids, just a little bit of light, blue sky with clouds and some grass. I am in my childhood town, close to my childhood home. I am afraid I am waking up too much, ruining the SSILD! I have the idea to use movement to transition to the dream. I imagine walking and then running to a nearby forest. As I gain speed, the forest around me materializes.
I stop and shout "I did it!" and the whole scene gets wobbly and slightly blurry. I quickly touch the ground, there are stones, dirt and leaves. I am surprised how realistic it is, thinking that people were right about this.
I remember my husband - I have to tell him when I am back IRL.
I am thinking about what to do and think of flying but I remember I wanted to try to do RCs in a dream, to see how they feel in a dream.
For some reason, I completely forget the RCs and continue through the forest until I am on the other side of it. There are some kids. I try to fly but it doesn't work so I change it into a sort of jump but it still looks embarrassing.
Then I am on a crossroad and the path I wanted to take is closed, probably because of covid and I suddenly have a bike. There are some locals and they look friendly. I 'remember' there should be a path under a house, leading where I want to go. I go there and there are more kids but these are not friendly and they tell their boss about me. I ignore them and continue but then the boss appears and I tell him that I wanted my bike (which was left behind).
I remember my lucid dreaming skills and try to impress the gang kids, I try to levitate a twig above my hand. On the first try, it doesn't work, on my second try, it levitates 5cm above my hand and it looks like I cheated, throwing it up a bit. The kids are not impressed.
I talk to the boss, asking him what he wants for the bike and for letting me go. I mention gingerbread from a secret source of it, deep in the forest (in my native language, gingerbread is slang for meth but we are talking about the baked type ). It's a secret location only I know and I supplied gingerbread to him from there before. It is a really good gingerbread, he can bake his own, but this one is much better.
He is unsure about it. Gingerbread on its own isn't enough, he wants me to show him the location. I agree to go there with him at night, so nobody else sees us. At the same time, I am scared because I realize that what I said was based on a false dream memory and I actually don't know where the secret location is.
Then he tells me something about lemon gingerbread from his grandmother that was almost as good as the gingerbread from Lidl.

I had my doubts about this dream. The lucidity was very low, at its minimum in the middle of the dream, maybe even not there for some moments. I was also worried that it could be simulated lucidity but I analyzed my thoughts in the dream (like remembering my husband or realizing about the false memory) and I believe this was true LD.

OK, so I am going to do this, although I am not sure I have enough time to log my dreams twice - once in my DJ notebook and once here (and to translate them into English and make them readable). So I am going to keep this to LDs and the most interesting NLDs.

As someone with some LDs in past and as someone interested in dreams in general, I am often quite aware in my dreams/of my dreams but at the beginning, it was frustrating. It felt like being stuck in 0 layer lucidity and almost lucid dreams but not getting there.
Some interesting snippets from these dreams:

comment dream

12 Feb
At the airport, I see a big clock. I have the idea to check if they work. The clock arms point to 2 and 10. I think "People on Reddit were wrong, clocks work in dreams" and continue trying to catch my plane.

15 Feb
I don't like how the dream is going (someone's trying to kill me). I pause the dream and think "Really? Does it have to end like this? Can I do something to stop it? No, it's too late." I expect to wake up (I guess) but the dream resumes and shifts to a continuation in near future.

16 Feb
In a train, going down a very steep hill, extremely fast, like a rollercoaster. I am thinking: "We are too fast" but also "It will be fine". I know it doesn't matter.

17 Feb
I try to use magic against Severus Snape, it fails and I think: "Magic never works in dreams."

I am with my father in a boat and he misses a waterfall and we go over the edge. I am mad and I think: "We will 'die' and this will end. Or maybe not. Let's see." We are fine after the impact.
It's like I am almost never afraid of consequences in my dreams.

23 Feb
I 'know' this is a recurring dream. Or game. I did this before. I played this. I tell other DCs/players how it normally goes but this time it's different. A bomb explodes later because my friend makes a mistake and we 'lose' and are all dead.

25 Feb
I am hunted by some DCs and I use magic to defeat them. This time, I am more confident and I think: "Magic works in my dreams" and I create a force field and it works.
In my past, I would consider this dream as lucid... but I didn't really reflect in any way on the dream. I consider these dreams semi-lucid.

27 Feb - Trying FILD
FILD FA - my 1st FA - I tried FILD but wasn't able to find a good position for my hand so I gave up
I am lying in a corner of some town square, like a homeless. I think: "This corner is certainly dirty" but it doesn't smell. I have my blanket over me and I am trying to find a position for FILD. I can't find one, so I think: "It is a stupid technique" and go to sleep.
Later - FILD reality check
I am awake with closed eyes and I want to try FILD again. I feel like I was doing it for hours at that point and lost a lot of sleep to it. I decide to sit and do nose-plug reality check. I am sitting and my nose is weird, wet and slimy. I am shocked. But I also hear my husband breathe and I think: "This is not possible, I can't be asleep" and immediately, I am back lying, this time really awake.
I am mad and I think I got no sleep at all. Then I start remembering dreams from the last cycle - the FA and three other dreams.

In the next entry - finally a LD!