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    A World In My Head!!

    Shadowself, Higherself and Demon Gods

    by , 03-20-2013 at 02:48 AM (377 Views)
    March 19, 2013

    note: This dream relates to another dream I had a few weeks ago. They are both very personal dreams.

    The previous dream, which was even more personal happened after a long night of depressing feelings. I don't even rationally know why I felt so depressed that night.That dream ended with a peaceful presence in my bedroom. She manifested next to me. She said she was me. And she had only one message for me "I love you"

    Shadowself, Higherself and Demon Gods
    I wake up at 4am upset that I didn't remember a single dream. I toss and turn and try different induction techniques. I give up and just try to daydream instead.

    I think how much I love my friend and how I couldn't wait to hang out her after living in different cities.

    In that instant I see a blue flash of lightning. It came from this tiny window that doesn't actually exist in my room. In the next instant after - a screaming hateful voice shrieks in my left ear!


    I was just floored.

    What the fuck?

    I was helpless to this female voice screaming at me. Her voice begins to sink in deep. Her voice is in my head!! I curl up into a ball and I was at the point of tears. I don't even remember what else she had said to me, only how she made me feel.

    And the burning! There was a horrible burning sensation on my right leg.

    Suddenly everything was calm again. I sit up in my bed and there's a new presence with me, one I met a month earlier. She sits calmly at the side of my bed. I couldn't focus on her face. It kept shifting between faces and at one point it was like she had 20 faces at once.

    I notice that behind her peaceful presence was the demon girl who was screaming at me. The demon was curled up in a shadowy corner. Before the demon had so much power over me - making me scared shitless and depressed. But behind this peaceful presence, she's just a shadow like any other shadow - nothing to even worry about.

    The peaceful girl explains to me what's happening. Her explanation was mostly wordless and seemed to happen somewhere in the back of my head. She said something to the extent of:

    "She is the result of emotions and thoughts that have run away with themselves and have been disowned by you"

    I understood this as the definition of a shadowself. I look at that grotesque shadow and I just wanted to be rid of her. "What do I do?"

    "The only thing you can do is to love her. You must love her away."

    Of course, it made perfect! If she is some part of me that I've long disowned then I must love her as I love myself. How can hating the part of me that hates myself lead to anything but more hate?

    In the safety of the peaceful presence, I try to send my love to my shadow hiding in the corner. The dream fades out. Did I do it? I get up and get ready for work.

    But there is something wrong with my bathroom!

    The lights aren't working right. Its so dim, the lights are flickering, the switches make no sense. The tub is along the wrong wall, and what is wrong with my right leg? The burning sensation is back. I take a look in the dim light, theres a horrible scratch. Like someone took a blade and ran it from my ankle, along the side to my knee.

    "That bitch! I wonder if demonic scratches get infected, I should toss some holy water on that"

    Suddenly my sis walks into the bathroom. There was a dark presence around her, one I've felt in dreams before (almost always disguised as my sister). And those eyes. They weren't my sisters eyes! I know my sisters eyes.

    These eyes burned!!!

    "You're not my sister!" That's nothing new, I first said that to this DC over ten years ago. Its her. So silent. She's always been silent. In fact tonight was the first night I've ever heard her hateful voice. Usually she just scoffs at me until one of us pisses off.

    That's when I notice the little window and the obvious finally hits me. "I bet you more than anything this is a dream! I can jump out that window and I'll fly!" I dont know why i bothered telling her, lol

    I jump out the window!! Unfortunately that's what I've always done in the presence of a scary DC in my house. And this was not what my higherself instructed me to do.

    Its just as dark outside. But its a natural darkness under the moon and stars, beautiful compared to the darkness inside the apartment. I fly over the trees. Their leaves were big and lush, magnolia trees!

    I landed and I was so happy to be dreaming and lucid. What to do! So many things to do! Should I explore the dream? No, maybe Ill try to dreamshare. Everything that happened before, totally inconsequential.

    I walk around and there are lots of people strolling in the night just like me. I call out Lmrhone, but then I realized I have no idea what he looks like! So I decide to befriend random DCs instead and just go with it.

    There seems to be a crowd over there! I fly towards the college aged crowd and suddenly I'm in a mall like complex. There was a large line slowly inching forward. The DCs looked friendly enough, I wondered what they were in line for? A new music album?

    Why stand in line? I didn't see the point I just ran to the front to find out what they're all waiting for! I was really excited - and then I was horrified.

    They were each taking their turn walking into a room of literal hell.

    This was a stone room with a stone entrance. There was nothing in this stone room, but the back wall has a huge stone mural of a demonic deity. The carving of the demonic deity would come to life in the presence of a human who would enter alone. The demonic deity would then hurl up green lava and the greenest light would fill the whole room, and there was nothing left of the human.

    'my God save me!'

    Staring at the stone mural - I was trapped in a spell. I lost all sense of my dream body, instead I was a single point of consciousness. The demonic room was pulling me towards it! Closer and closer and closer!


    It stopped and I was back in my dream body, next to the entrance with my back against the wall. I was panting scared shitless. Two boys in charge of opening the stone door were making casual talk as if nothing horrible just happened. What the hell is wrong with these people?

    In order to leave I had to run past the entrance, this time I made sure not to look inside the stone room.

    Where the hell am I? Or where the hell am I in? I was back in the mall but there were no humans left. Everywhere I turned there were monsters, horrible monsters! I noted they were nothing like the creatures I draw! I take cover and hide from the demon lords and demon deities.

    Is this from playing too much WoW? But they weren't exactly like anything Ive seen in WoW. There were 'people' among the monsters too but I could hardly call them human anymore.

    I tried to run up the stairs but thundering down the stairs was a giant stone golumn. His face looked like a mayan carving. Green lava would spew from his sides. His eyes were black and soulless. Okay - run the other way!

    I think I'm finally heading in the opposite direction of this demon world. "This way!" A HUMAN! A real human signals me.

    I literally run towards the light. The human side had natural sunlight filtering through the malls windows. "So this is where I'm supposed to be!". The humans were huddled together, living as a close knit tribe. They explained to me the situation.

    "The demons are trying to destroy us by poisoning the water. Don't drink the water!!"

    Telling me not to drink the water only made me thirsty. "Then what can I drink?"

    "You can only drink the water that we've painstakingly purified. If you drink the water anywhere else, the demons will consume you."

    My sister was among them, and through her a felt a peaceful presence similar - but somehow fainter - then before. Her eyes were once again human. She hands me a blanket and pillow in a plastic bag.

    "Even our sleeping sheets need to be purified from the demons tainting. Remember, don't sleep with anything else but these purified blankets and pillows! And don't lose your set were running low...."

    I hold onto my tiny purified blanket and pillows, literally these 5x8 inch pillows. I look around me in this room at all the people huddled together.

    "Wait this doesn't make any sense. I'M DREAMING! I don't have to be afraid of these demons poisoning the water. They're not real"

    My sisters appearance changes, in fact it kept changing. But each face was friendly and familiar. And she explains "You don't understand, this isn't just a dream. Where just somewhere else. Do not drink the water and use only our clean sheets!"

    "Alright, if you say so." I wasn't gonna argue, it was nice to just have friendly company.

    "OMG WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT THE OCEAN!" This magical perfect ocean just appeared, theres not even a door or wall separating the beach from the mall - its just right there!! I just leap right in "YAYYY!"


    The DCs quickly rush to my side! Strong masculine hands lift me out of the water while my new friend lectures me. "You can't swim in the ocean either. It's also been tainted by the demons."

    "What are you going on about! THIS IS A DREAM! I can swim in the ocean if I want, nothing can hurt me here!"


    Ugh whatever - putt - putt. I spit out the ocean water that's in my mouth. These people are serious. I figured I'll just listen to them.

    "Come on, let's get you cleaned up. We have a bath down this way and it has some purified water left." The tall black man walks down a long hallway and disappears over the corner.

    I start to follow this stranger. Wait, I don't even know this guy and he's what - gonna draw a bath for me? What am I walking into? I don't even know him! What if he's a pervert! What if he's a demon!

    I turn back and look at my friend - I didn't have to say a word. "I'm coming!" She smiles and accompanies me.

    I make a mistake. I tried to name my friend. I try to list every good friend I've had in my life. And I think 'maybe it's so-n-so!'. But as soon as I try to limit who she is the dream becomes to wane. It starts to feel foggy somehow.

    "Let me show you something." She shows me how they purify the water. I know this feeling, I'm waking up! The purification process made no sense. Tainted water was spilling everywhere, shes getting it in her mouth!

    "All tap water has a whole lot MORE in it than just water. Our purification process just makes more out of it!"

    I can see the filter is filling up with dirty poopy looking water - ewwww. Then it hardened and transformed into - fruit flavored food chips? Ewwwwww.

    "You don't eat that do you?"

    "Yes! It's perfectly good to eat!" She grabs one of the fruit chips that came from the poopy water. "See, good to eat? Try one."


    Suddenly her appearance changes into an anime character and her presence become less kind, somehow dark. She cackles and mocks me "Do you feel safer with me looking this way instead? AHAHAHAHAHAH!"

    "What the hell!" Its like the nasty poop-food-chip was still tainted by the demons and now the demon presence is transforming her.

    "GET IT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!" I rip this thing off her face. Suddenly she regains herself. Her appearance is a transparent blue - like she's a crystal glowing glass.

    I wake up!

    And there's a strange man in my room trying to fix my computer. Sis walks in and reminds me that I'm totally late for work.

    I walk into the bathroom and I was about to brush my teeth when - "No, no, no" I walk back into the room.

    "I'm sorry sir but I had a really rough night. Who the hell are you??"

    "I'm here to fix your computer, I just need to find this little tool and-"

    "NO!! WHO ARE YOU REALLY? WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" I was fed up with my space being invaded.

    Now I wake up for real and its nowhere near time to get ready for work. I spend the next hour in bed replaying the entire night over and over so that I could remember everything.

    Now that I'm awake the themes in the dream suddenly made sense. Water is a strong element in my dreams. But it's also the element of emotions. And my personal demons have only found an inroad into me from negative emotions I didn't keep watch of. Even the silly clean sheets wrapped in a plastic bag made sense - go to sleep mentally and emotionally clean.

    Even me running around in demon world with not a single one trying to harm me made perfect sense. They have no interest in physically harming me.

    This dream and my frightening encounter with my shadowself was long coming. Over ten years ago there has been a shadow in my dreams, one that covers my home in darkness. It only happened on rare occasions. I would always become scared of the shadow in my room or bathroom and I would just run outside.

    So while I have a given a great lesson on love I still wasn't strong enough to love my shadowself. In this dream, as many before, I ran away as soon as her shadow encapsulated my home. So, I'll go to sleep tonight knowing the battle isn't over. Maybe at least this time I'll remember to keep my sheets clean.

    But damn......that scream.

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    Updated 03-20-2013 at 03:09 AM by 6004



    1. JoannaB's Avatar
      Wow! what an amazing powerful dream. My favorite part of your entry is "Of course, it made perfect! If she is some part of me that I've long disowned then I must love her as I love myself. How can hating the part of me that hates myself lead to anything but more hate?" But I love it all. Yes, you have not won yet, but I think you will. Someday, I am confident you will accept your shadow self, and your dream demons will transform into much friendlier one's, but until then at least you get some really cool dreams while grappling with your inner demons.
    2. juroara's Avatar
      thanks for reading :3

      I hope one day I can rise above it too