KittySquirrel

Well, it's been a couple of years. I've found my way back to this forum, inevitably I suppose.

The dreams I've had over the past few weeks and months have mostly been either too nondescript or too non-memorable for me to derive any meaning from them. On another level, I also have had ones too horrific, in that I try to forget them immediately. These ones find me on nights in which i fall asleep in a state of higher sobriety than usual. If i've partaken in drink, I typically fall asleep with ease, and with no dreams. It's nice in a sense, but does not produce the wondrous dream state which I have come to crave recently.

Anyway, last night, the night of my 26th birthday, was the first time in a very long time I had a series of dreams which I felt were worth recording in some way. Not only were they incredibly vivid, but they seemed to touch me in a serious manner that was not to be ignored....

They could be seen as standard in that so very many things happened.. so many events and sequences with profound emotional impact on me, but i remember so little of the details. I'm sort of sad about that. But I do remember certain particular instances, and I will cling to those with everything I have.

The main instance was a sort of summer camp.. and so many of my family and friends and lovers were there. We were all there in harmony and happiness. It was so beautiful. I experienced none of the usual anxiety or fear that would normally plague that kind of scenario in real life.

I only remember one moment vividly, of many moments, that must have been the one meant to be remembered. I was sitting with a crowd of people, and next to me was Courtney, a friend from my youth who i had a big crush on in my adolescence. I was holding hands with her, feeling the warmth and comfort of her being. She was blonde and tall and lovely. All of us were watching Hana preform her song 'Cowgirl Bebop' (This is a real life song btw). Now, it's worth noting that in my dreams, I typically never experience pieces of art in their real life true form. However, this dream sequence was a rare exception. She preformed the song as it was exactly recorded. And I wept, as did Courtney and Hana, as did Hana's father, who oddly was also in attendance. It was truly a beautiful experience for me. I hold it up as one of the most cathartic dream experiences I've had so far. Everything just seemed so meaningful and harmonious.

The dream was also punctuated by a murder mystery situation. Initially, I was confident that I knew who the murderer was. And this person was eerily beside me the entire time, and there was certainly some tension between us. However, he was not the murderer. I then thought the murderer may have been me. But then occurred an instance in which I peered through a wall that had been blown through completely, destroyed by some kind of explosive. On the other side, I saw a diminishing flame, it may have been a tiki torch. For some reason, I then knew that I was not the murderer either. His identity was never revealed.

All in all, I'm looking forward to recording my dreams again. I don't know why, but it is important to me and my spiritual development. I experienced sleep paralysis upon waking about a week or so ago. It was horrible, being completely paralyzed while a sinister being loomed over me for I don't know how long, and i was unable to move or do anything about it, just cry in fear until i regained control of my body. I hope it never happens again, and I hope intentional dreaming, recording dreams, and perhaps even lucid dreaming, will prevent it.

There was an event to take place in a huge event center, which appeared to me as a sort of pleasant hybrid of a baseball and football stadium. This event was to be the launching of a man from a cannon into a great trampoline, which subsequently would result in him flying off into oblivion (This is what we as spectators were to expect, anyway). I, simply just another innocent bystander among many, viewed this event from behind large glass windows. It was like we were in a private box, but it was on the same level as the ground level of the stadium.

I stood there among what i suppose were executives, people in charge of the event. I was accompanied by a couple attractive girls, blondes, who bore a resemblance to several girls from two of my IRL college courses. We were all excitedly awaiting the launch...

After the launch occurred, the old man bounced off the trampoline in a rather anticlimactic manner. He only managed to gain a few feet, and we all had expected him to fly much further than this. I felt disappointment, and a kind of sick recognition of an unfulfilled general aura.



Then, much to my disturbance, the girls beside me went out onto the field and started fucking some of the executives who had been viewing the launch. It was a ludicrous and raucous display, and it gave me a sinking feeling. Afterwards, the girls came back inside; one of them was apologizing to me it seemed, and attempting to console me, though i did not outwardly express my disgust at the disturbing display. She was kind, though, and it was almost as if her consolation negated her previous sexual misconduct. We walked together, and i somehow gained a solace about the situation.

There was much more to this dream, but this is what i remember.

I found myself in a huge convention center, it seemed. And to my surprise, the place sort of circled around a large domain where the space needle was being constructed, though it was black. I met this woman, and everyone presumed she had an attitude about her that made her cold, unapproachable, and seemingly ill-tempered. I chose to ignore these elements and sat down with her at a picnic table, still inside this convention center. This woman's disposition was an absolute amalgamation of several personas of multiple strippers.

La

I'm so stupidly foggy as to other dream aspects, but I was at one point conversing with my mother about something lifelike.

Additionally, my friend Matt was at my house, and he felt the need to watch television on our big screen downstairs. He gathered together a jumbled mess of extension cords, and sought the assistance of my father to garner a means to watch his program. When i met him at the foot of the stairs, I asked why he needed to do this, and he responded with "I didn't want you to give me that look of eyes five inches apart!"

WHO CARES WHAT PSYCHIATRISTS WRITE ON WALLS!

I am in a parking lot with my friend. Several girls drive past us in a range rover type vehicle. One exits the vehicle and walks towards me, eventually embracing and kissing me. But the dream becomes like a video game to me. Nothing is quite real, but it's like a Virtual Reality simulation type thing. It's incredibly strange. I find myself spiraling upwards into some kind of cosmic space tornado. It is dark, and there is an underlying sexual theme about these occurrences, but it is neither good nor bad. I think it's just frustrating. Several other things happen in this dream. I imagine I am at my beach house again, and I get called into work, but I choose not to show up. I'm fearful about this, but I soon wake up.

I should've recorded this one right after waking up, as there was much more to it that I can't remember; only brief glimpses come to me now. I do remember my awakening from the dream, however, and as with many dreams I've had, I feel many new and disturbing feelings I don't think I've ever felt in real life. The feelings stayed with me for what seemed longer than usual. It is after dreams like this one that I crave to dream more and experience these new feelings, and subsequently, I don't have the dream I hope for for a long time. I really wish I could somehow better recall the feelings I have during these dreams. They are still kind of present when I wake up, but they fade soon, and I cannot remember exactly what they were. There are ways to record a great many things, but the true form of a particular feeling seems to be exempt from this.

It seems to me a rare occurrence that I remember an exact phrase uttered in a dream. This dream provided me with that occurrence. I'm in the back part of a nearby burger joint. There appears in front of me and my friend a large sort of cathedral of bathroom stalls and urinals. The place is unnecessarily large for a restaurant bathroom. We heard some cries coming from one of the stalls and assumed someone was getting raped. A big fat man walked out of the stall, and we assumed him to be the perpetrator. My friend knocked him out instantly. Later, I entered the bathroom again, but it was normal sized this time. I saw a jacket that I realized I had lost hanging on one of the stalls. I come out to our table and say to my friends, "They should rename the men's bathroom Josh's Jacket Depository." I later find myself in a quaint neighborhood looking once again for a bathroom. I find a little garden with a small greenhouse where I imagine I might find means of urinary relief. Instead I find a garbage can. I leave the garden, damaging things on the way out.

Another instance of this dream involved my old friend's house, where I see his little brother as much younger and smaller than he is in real life now. My older sister is here too. His dad offers me a Heineken, but first gives me a green lemon juice container as a joke. I respond to him by saying "What is this nonsense I see before me?" From here I find myself at my beach house, but as usual, everything is sort of discolored and distorted somehow. There are abnormally large cliffs on the beach, it is dark, and somewhat spacey.

A dream like this came as no surprise given my circumstances the previous evening. I dreamt that my good friend picked me up from a Campus Christian Fellowship event, which actually did happen the night before. Only in the dream, there occurred a disturbing turn of events. He exited his car and entered into the facility in which the occasion was being held. I had already left the building, but after he had been in there for a little while, I noticed several members of the fellowship program leaving with very sad and offended expressions. In my mind, I felt that he had spoken harsh and offensive words to them and greatly disturbed these people. I, in turn, was quite upset, and we proceeded to have a fairly significant argument over the matter. He did not drive me home, and I was stranded into the night.
Now, some things about this made sense, and other things did not. My friend does not consider himself a Christian, but he is not very critical of those who do profess to be, and he would certainly not intentionally carry out offensive and hurtful actions to strangers in the community, but this was the case in my dream. I was disturbed by this dream upon awakening, and I wondered what this was trying to tell me, if anything.
I cannot remember the circumstances surrounding this next dream, but I remember the feeling of it, and one image in particular. I’m staring at a face that bears a striking resemblance to that of my former lover. In the dream, I am experiencing the exact emotions I had when I was with her. It’s weird that I cannot recall these exact emotions now IRL, but in the dream, they were very real. It’s as if I can only recall my true emotions of the past in my dreams. The reasons behind this dream I could point to fairly easily. I introduced my friend (The same friend in the first dream) to the show Twin Peaks last night. We watched the pilot episode last night, and needless to say, he’s hooked. But there was an odd moment when we realized he looks quite a bit like the show’s unfortunate victim, Laura Palmer, to the point that it actually freaked us out a little. I have no doubt this instance is what influenced my dream, but I cannot explain how I was able to relive the exact emotional state in the dream as when I was with her.

I’m at somebody’s house, near the kitchen. There are two women, one of whom I recognize. I have an idea who the other might be, but I can’t be sure. The one I know begins to get close to me, and she cranes her neck to kiss me in a friendly way, but I feel that she wants to convey something else. She kisses my cheek, then again, nearer to my mouth. I come close to her, and ask her if she’d like to go out with me. She is ecstatic and responds so enthusiastically, which is satisfying to me. This is special; this girl was my friend in high school, she’s extremely beautiful, we did a play together once and interacted on some kind of emotionally significant level, given the grave and serious nature of the performance. I would have gone out with her in a heartbeat, if only I had the confidence back then. The other girl in the dream seems upset, but I take little notice of this. I’m soon at a restaurant with a friend, and I run into a family for whom I had played piano a couple of weeks ago at a party. We find our table, and I notice a table on the other side of the restaurant where there is another family I know. Only I’m overcome with anxiety when I realize who they are. I imagine that I had asked out the daughter in this family, only this is not actually the case. But in the dream, I am convinced of this. I don’t understand this dream, but I have ideas as to simple meanings behind some of the particular circumstances of it. Overall though, I cannot interpret it.

Last night was not exactly fun. I can remember brief instances of this one; they mainly seemed to be warped situations of things that have happened to me in the last few months IRL. I am at a performance, with cover bands, but it’s as if they’re all playing to a track, not actually playing their instruments. I am expected to play piano to a Queen song, but someone takes my place. I’m at a movie theatre, about to go see a film by myself. I run into several old high school acquaintances. I’m finishing a group project and turning it in at the last minute; I think this is at my old house. The last instance was the most vivid and unfortunate. I’m sitting alone on a couch in a strange room; it’s like some parts of the wall are missing, or maybe the ceiling. It’s cloudy and grey outside. I think this place is near a lake. I see my ex-girlfriend just outside, her red hair vibrant and flowing in the wind. She is soon inside on the couch with me, and we begin to kiss and hold each other close. This is the first time I can think of that I’ve had this good of a dream about her since we broke up. In most dreams I can remember, she is cold, distant, or angry. In this one, she is welcoming, reciprocating, and affectionate. Then my friend comes in the room, acting like his usual annoying self. IRL, he didn’t like my girlfriend, and even told lies about her to my friends. This anger I feel toward him was evident in the dream. I am happy with her in this dream, and I want him out of the picture. Feelings of affection I have for her in the dream are coupled with the feelings of hatred I have for my friend. This is very similar to an instance that occurred a couple months ago IRL. But I wake up and realize, that although I’m over her, my hatred for him remains.

I’m outside on a cold winter’s day with a couple of friends. We’re on a street corner with heavy traffic. I see a cute woman with bad teeth who is dressed like a hooker. I decide to trip her and then catch her as a form of flirtation. Whatever I said after that worked, because she agreed to go out to eat with me and my friends. We leave the restaurant and my date says goodbye. We enter into a car and drive toward home. My friend drives us to my other friend’s house, where I get out of the car and travel inside. There, I am telling my friend Syd about women being just as sexually charged as men, but that men are simply more explicit about it. We travel to her bedroom, and she tells me that she once snorted cocaine.

The next sequence is rather odd. I am outside in my old backyard, and it is soon nighttime. I choose a spot on the grass to lie down. There are a couple of speakers lying there on the grass, and I listen to music as a fall asleep. I wake up, and gather up all my clothes and travel somewhere else. I find myself playing a keyboard outside in the street by a house at night. There is a hat of some kind on my head, and eventually I put a traffic cone or megaphone or something on my head. I probably look ridiculous. Old friends pass me by. I think my dad comes out to walk the dog. I’m then inside a bathroom playing a keyboard on the sink. This bathroom is connected to my friend’s bedroom, and I’m unaware of this at first, but she soon comes in, and I know I need to leave.

I’m in my friend’s car again, this time with my sister. She opts to have him drop us off at 7/11 to study. We soon find ourselves at my old high school. She gets in a car with other friends and leaves. I’m walking around in a careless manner, as I run into my mother as well as an old friend. I warmly greet her and tell her that I love her hair. That’s all I can really remember.

It was my first night home for the Christmas break. I wish I could remember this dream better, as it seemed to be fairly eventful and reached new areas of strangeness. I think there is a contest having to do with a train or a railroad station or something of the like. It may be old western times. There are many people I know and celebrities participating in this contest. It seems that the participants are being eliminated quickly, but there is one of them who has yet to compete, and who I have great faith in. This of course is Sting, my favorite song writer. IRL, I read his memoir “Broken Music” over the summer. It influenced me greatly, and I have this connection to him. That connection was evident in the dream; though I’m not sure he acknowledged it. I cannot remember the outcome of this contest. But there are two other instances of this dream that I remember. One of them is me, in a hotel room, high above the ground, in a bright white room. I look out at the balcony. I think there is an ocean. That’s all I can really remember. The other is me receiving fellatio from this brunette girl who bears a resemblance to someone I met briefly about a year ago. Though all goes as it should, several times I think, it is strangely dissatisfying. I remember feeling rather pleased with the state of affairs, as was she, but I do not think I felt anything orgasmic or really significant, as I normally would in this situation. I can remember so clearly the pictures from these dreams, which only makes me long to remember the circumstances and sequences of events.

I am traveling with my mother, my sister and her child, and possibly someone else to see Jon Anderson and Todmobile in concert. We arrive at this place that does not seem at all like any sort of proper concert hall. It seems more like a small entry way with windows behind us. We are right in front and are able to interact with the performers. Todmobile is playing some sort of impossible instrument. It’s rather difficult to describe. It has a spongy, fluid texture, and it moves downward like a spiral staircase. I think I remember playing it like you would a vibraphone, but it was huge and in constant motion. Colors changed on its surface, and I remember enjoying the sound it produced. Our cousins are also at this performance, as is my uncle. I know there was so much more to this dream, but that is all I can remember.

For the last two nights, I had been attempting to recreate the circumstances which enabled my initial “one that I’ve been waiting for” dream. So this involves taking NyQuil and Ibuprofen, and I also downed apple juice in hopes of greater vividness. It has not produced similar results. I know I’ve been dreaming, but they have in no way been nearly as profound or memorable as that first one. It seems to me a typical case of trying to reproduce something amazing that occurred without any effort or preconceptions. I’ve even been listening to the same album I did that first night. But I admit, this has been a rather foolish endeavor. The feelings and symbols I experienced in that first dream I cannot hope to experience again by means of forcing it to happen. It happened somewhat naturally, it seems. I can only wait for the next time.

Preface:
Last night was the dream I had been waiting for. The dream that I knew needed to happen at some point, but had been eluding me for some time. I went to bed fairly early, and I took two NyQuil capsules, as I’ve had an annoying cough I can’t seem to get over. I also took a couple of ibuprofen, as I had been in a fight with my friend the night before, and my face was still pretty sore, and the bruises on my body were getting worse. Anyhow, so the stage is properly set. But I was not attempting to induce anything, nor was I anticipating. Here we go:

Part 1:
I’m in a white, queen sized bed, high above the ground, centered uncomfortably and disturbingly in the middle of a dark bluish room. There are sounds from outside. I see light through the crack in the door. I’m uncomfortable, cold, fearful, and confused. I am revisiting the fear of nighttime from my childhood. It’s so real. There’s something beautiful about this. Something is on the outside of my room. I travel outside. It is my Bellingham house, but different. It appears to have been flooded recently. There are puddles of murky water all around. I travel into the bathroom, and it’s larger than the real one. The toilet is missing. Later in the dream, the toilet is returned, but another toilet from a different spot in the bathroom is missing. The shower is running, but there is no sound at all. I notice this, and it disturbs me greatly. I know I’m not deaf; the rapid running water makes no sound. Senses are so real, so similar to being fearful in my bed as a child, in my old room, but different. I drift in and out of sleep in this dream, which convinces me of the reality of the dream.

Part 2:
My landlord is present, and my parents and I are in his house. It is very clean, but with old furniture, not unlike my grandparents’ old house. The house is oddly off-balanced, and my dad points this out. Soon we are at my grandpa’s old house. He has this small dog. He is uncharacteristically swearing and seems to be unaware of it, but it disturbs me and my mother. My sister Julia gives the dog a sedative and it goes limp. There is a performance that will occur at Cedar Park. There is a piano, and the stage is strangely arranged.

Part 3:
My sister Jeannette and I are at McDonald’s. I think it’s a mix of one I’ve been to in Kirkland, and the one I frequent in Bellingham. We are blocking the drive thru line, unaware of it. A man in a pickup drives in front of us and flips us off. People are getting frustrated. We drive forward and soon realize our fault here. We pull around to the back of the line. I notice many Mexican Americans in the drive thru line, but they are all on foot without a car, and some are being quite rude it seems. I’m eating some kind of overly cheesy sandwich. A woman approaches; she bears the resemblance of Rosita from The Walking Dead. She enters my car, and we begin to kiss and embrace. I’m worried that my sister is taking notice of this, but she’s disappeared from the vehicle. This girl wishes to make love but I tell her no. There may have been more to this dream sequence, but that was all I can remember.

Part 4:
Here’s where things get fairly emotional for me. I am in a wooded area with a group of people. There are very old trees with gigantic roots, and they grow in impossible shapes. It is disturbing but fascinating. This girl I am interested in, Camila, is in this dream, and I think that I am in love with her. I climb one of the trees. It twists about up through the forest so impossibly but so satisfyingly, in that I am able to climb it with ease, and I soon near the top. Our leader faces a giraffe or dinosaur-like mythical creature that soon approaches my tree and climbs it. I confront it, fearful at first, but I win the battle. Our group continues on through these woods. I feel empowered. We are now on a university campus. I run into Sam (my ex-girlfriend). We talk, argue, I try to kiss her and she angrily backs away. I think she has red hair at first. Then she has blonde hair, and she approaches a table with several of my acquaintances and someone who resembles Glenn McEvoy (my management professor). Sam with red hair is also at this table, and she seems much kinder. So there are somehow two of her here. Sam with blonde hair is making a scene and spouting off a poem and talking about some instance with us over the summer. The situation ought to be way more uncomfortable, but there is a level of understanding among us at the table, and I have these strange feelings, many of which I cannot identify. McEvoy even makes a light comment about the situation, and I respond with some clever remark. I argue with her more as I hope my current lover (Camila) approaches, but she doesn’t. Ali (a girlfriend of my friend Cameron) is there and puts her arm around me, as if she were a good friend who wishes to comfort me. Sam with blonde hair is evil to me. Sam with red hair is passive, sitting there, seeming to sheepishly say sorry for blonde Sam’s behavior.

Reflection:
4 very different, very real, very vivid situations. The first gave me feelings of fear and confusion that I haven’t experienced in quite a long time, I think since I was practically a child. The second gave me feelings of great discomfort, mainly due to my grandpa’s unusual cursing. The third gave me feelings of confidence and animalistic pleasure I also haven’t felt in a long time. The fourth at first gave me feelings of bravery and invincibility, then of profound sadness, then anger.

In these dreams, I have a sense that all the happenings are synchronistic, as I had been reading Jung’s "Synchronicity" the previous day. I felt that concepts I had read about the principle were pervading the dream somehow, and I was subtly and possibly unconsciously aware of this while dreaming. This dream world was so real, realer than anything I’ve experienced in a while. And upon waking, I wasn’t really awake for a few seconds. But I knew I must immediately take note of these dreams.

Lately, I've been having dreams involving embracing, kissing, and affection, mainly with women whom i cannot put a name to. I'm mainly thankful that these dreams do not seem to involve me ex, as my feelings for her remain strong and difficult to deal with. However, a dream that took place the other night stood out to me. I find myself in a strange building with many windows, accompanied by this girl I've been seeing lately. There are things that happen in this dream, but I cannot remember most of them. But I do vividly remember a particular instance, similar to how I remember things from my childhood. A girl who attended my high school makes an appearance. I always sensed that she liked me in high school, but I never made a move. In the dream, there seems to be a mutual level of attraction between us. We kiss in a room that has windows and is visible from another part of the house. Afterwards, I immediately am with the other girl I've been seeing in real life, and she confronts me about kissing the girl from my high school. I can't remember what I said, but whatever it was convinced her that my kissing this other girl was not a big deal, and she quickly forgives me. We embrace, and all between us seems okay. That is all I can remember. It seems as though I've been having dreams like this every night. Last night I was in an absurd situation with a blonde girl at a dinner table. I know there was a lot more to this one, but as usual, I cannot remember. I can't say that I do not enjoy these dreams, but I fear that soon my ex lover will enter them. If that occurs, I imagine I'd wake up with such pain and find myself in tears.

I find myself at a performance of some sort; possibly a graduation. I'm among many of my old peers from Westmont, most of them being members of the orchestra I was a part of for the year I attended the college. I see my old conductor, and I seem to remember having a desire to approach him, but i cannot remember whether or not I did. I enter a rehearsal space, and in the dream, it conveyed itself to me as the place we rehearsed every Tuesday and Thursday. But upon my awakening from the dream, I realize that it was not the chapel in which we regularly rehearsed. In fact, I think it was a place altogether new to me, but somehow similar to my high school band rehearsal room. But this new room presented me with a sickly image of a rainy night outside of my old home, and I think some of my dream took place in this situation, but I cannot remember. This dream occurred the night after my ex-girlfriend decided to text me for the first time since we broke up. She reached out first, having read the letter I had written her about two weeks prior. Many mixed emotions swirled about my brain that evening, and I attempt to find some meaningful connection between the occurrence and my unusual dream. Of course, I had previously had dreams about Westmont. And it makes sense. I spent a year there, made friends and memories, and then left. And my thoughts often drift to questions of whether or not I should have stayed there, or if I even should've attended it in the first place. Perhaps if I had continued my education there, I may never have met my summer lover, and would be free from my love-lorn afflictions and anguish. Maybe i would've found someone else; someone who made me truly happy, and who deeply loved me. But I do not like dreaming about such things, as they are notions of the past, and are unchangeable and unattainable. I long for happier dreams. Dreams of freedom, success, bliss

I feel that there really isn't much to be said about this one. Any thoughts to be had come quickly, and any semblance of images fade. But there is one image, one picture that is stuck in my memory; it will remain there, I think. I see the outside of my house, but it is slightly different. It contains more greenery, almost like it is a garden. There is a group of people standing outside, and I feel that they are friends. However, when i travel outside, they have disappeared, and what remains now gives me a feeling of unease. It is a group of people who I perceive wish to do harm to me and my friends. That is all I can remember about it. I know for a fact there was much more to this dream, and I hate that I can't remember all of it.

I have to say that I have not really been enjoying these dreams I have been remembering lately as much as I had hoped. There is nothing really striking or beautiful or meaningful about them. They just seem random, and they disturb me when I am in the midst of them. Even still, I wish I could remember them better. But I suppose I am grateful I have been remembering anything lately. For a while it seemed like I never could remember my dreams. No matter, I am hopeful for tonight. I desire a journey, a meaningful experience, a thought provoking encounter, a love.