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    What Will Lisez Today?

    Some Afterlives

    by , 04-21-2019 at 04:07 AM (2 Views)
    Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged

    There was a gray cat who possessed the ability to speak and think on a human level. (How he had gained this ability was never explained.) He also possessed two magic clay vessels that looked much like large volumetric flasks. Both vessels had the power to suck anyone nearby inside and liquefy them if they were commanded to do so by the cat; people liquefied in one vessel would go to Heaven, whereas people liquefied in the other would go to Hell. The cat had apparently taken it upon himself to lurk in the entryway to a giant abandoned Middle Eastern palace and send anyone who tried to enter it to the destination he thought they deserved. The palace therefore gained a deadly reputation among the locals.

    One day, a man wearing a turban, having heard about the strange deaths that happened to everyone who tried to enter the palace, went up to the entrance armed. A struggle ensued, and though the cat managed to open the vessel leading to Hell, the man struck it as he was sucked in and broke off its neck, apparently nullifying its power. (The man still died and -- presumably -- went to Hell.) The cat lamented the loss of purpose in his life now that he couldn't judge people's eternal fates.

    Then Jesus (yes, really) appeared before the cat and told him that what he was doing was "good, but not right" in that he had somehow been sending everyone he killed to the correct place, but the fact that he had been killing them was still unacceptable. He took away both vessels, and as he left, he told the cat to promote righteousness a different way, telling him to "become more like the king to your left." The cat looked to his left and saw a carving of a Persian emperor, and so he decided to gather up the other (non-intelligent) animals living in the ruins of the palace and form a model society out of them. He managed to teach them some level of understanding, and he himself became emperor over all of them.

    Ghost Hunting Ghosts

    There was a family of ghost whose names were all various permutations on common containers: Grandma Basket, Mother Bucket, Washbasin, etc. One of these, whose name I forget, had in his possession the ghost equivalent of a bazooka: it could almost instantly "kill" any ghost permanently, no matter how powerful. Grandma Basket discovered the weapon and was seriously concerned as to why he had it, prompting him to explain that it was a relic from his days at college.

    In college, the ghost had somehow pulled some strings so that he got a "33 hour course" consisting entirely of visiting a particular sorority (apparently even ghosts have them). He had a girlfriend who was a member of the sorority, so it worked out even better for him. One day, several other members dared the ghost to visit a house that was notoriously haunted by two "banshees" (here meaning ghosts who consume other ghosts) and try to exorcise them. The ghost's girlfriend was for some reason skilled in the manufacture of "exorcism bullets" (little metal pipes filled with gunpowder and dish soap), so she made him a magazine of them and came along to help him.

    The ghost arrived at the house, which from the inside looked like a large black void through which he floated freely. He had taken a large "shotgun-style" gun that shot a spray of bullets at once, as well as a keepsake his girlfriend had given him: his "lucky sign," which was a street sign she had stolen from somewhere on campus that had a hollow brass pole. The first of the two banshees arrived, and he shot it once, dissipating it within seconds. The second banshee arrived... and it was gargantuan, far beyond the scale of anything he had ever seen. It was clear that his ordinary bullets weren't going to work here.

    Thinking quickly, the ghost went over to where his girlfriend, who had fainted due to shock, had set up her bullet-making equipment. He cut off a piece of pole from his "lucky sign" with the saw she normally used to cut much smaller pipes, sealed one end with some sort of cap, and dumped the entire contents of the containers of gunpowder and dish soap into the other end. He jammed the improvised missile into the end of his shotgun, where it just fit, aimed at the giant banshee, and pulled the trigger. There was a relatively weak explosion, but then the banshee disappeared near-instantly. The mother of the two banshees came out to thank the ghost for freeing her from them; they had been tormenting her for years.

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