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    Past, Present, Future

    by , 08-25-2015 at 05:54 AM (462 Views)
    My husband (D) agrees to go to a Mormon church with me every week. I encourage him to do it to help him emotionally detach from his negative childhood with Mormonism. Because the sermons are so long, they have a restaurant that serves breakfast and lunch. I meet some girls there. I wonder if I should be friends with them since they're Mormon, but then decide that if they don’t push Mormonism on me it shouldn't matter. I am worried D won’t come. I walk down a large, winding outdoor hallway surrounded by beige stone. It's a long walk to the chapel but it's important not to be late bc they shame you if you are. I get there five minutes before eleven and luckily D is there. Afterwards, D buys spaghetti and other carb loaded foods at the food court. I think it's a bad food choice but don’t say anything. My mom goes with us a few times.

    I am reading a destiny book in a classroom environment. Someone (Quen?) tells me that the next step I need to take is learning how to be assertive in dealing with people and conversing. I need to direct conversations towards positivism, speak my mind, and not allow others to constantly complain to me.

    I am rehearsing for a play. I am the villain. They want me to make some sounds I'm not good at making so they change my role to one of the guy’s sisters. He is black, though. I consider making a joke on stage that one of our parents is black but I'm not sure it would be well received. I feel this role fits me much better and wonder why they wanted me to be a villain in the first place. Was it because of my eyebrows? My mom comes to the play the next day. It is at the Mormon church. Mostly Mormons are there. They start out making people sing solo. I wasn’t expecting this and am hoping they don't want me to do that. The people who sing are nervous and singing really quietly. My mom yells at them that she can't hear them. I think about what would happen if I were made to sing. I would be too nervous and shaky I wouldn’t be able to finish and that would be shameful and embarrassing for me and my mom. So I decide that if they try to make me sing I will tell them, “No. That’s not what I agreed to do.” But it never comes to that. I realize there was a projection on the screen with lyrical themes and the soloists have to improvise their songs accordingly. Ultimately, the play never takes place and I don't have to act. I am relieved but think it is weird. There is a mini store in the corner. I borrow someone’s electronics from that corner and give it to my mom, who somehow messes up someone’s period style dress with it. I give it back. There are good chips that I want and vendors sampling homemade cookies. I get a pink animal cookie but people keep eating all the sugar cookies. I get a chocolate cookie that has a cookie cream filling. I grab a twix type cookie and put in my pocket, then it broke in half.

    The one Kardashian sister with the babies tells her family she is travelling to Lihue for the day. They all scoff bc they think it is a crappy place. Somebody takes an HD film of all the places that a certain male celebrity has been spotted there. They interview some residents bc he mingles with the locals. I wonder how they got such nice, unobstructed video while driving in the car. They pass my grandparents' house and run into 4 car traffic at the stop sign. They do only a rolling stop passing through. I keep seeing signs and buildings that say Moho. I am suddenly the one in the car with Alesia, Erica, and maybe my dad. There is a building that says Mtn. Home and I thought it had been transplanted there but everyone disagrees. I see a sign on the back of a Walmart loading area that says “George Bushes” and I laugh.

    There is a fat, blonde, female child. I have to help her stretch her jaw with a piece of paper. Her jaw and cheeks hinge open all the way to the back of her head and I have to place a piece of paper in between. She is crying and wants to be hugged so I hug her. I take her to my mom’s house on the front walkway. We sit down and I talk to her about presence. “Do you know what presence is? It’s when you don’t think about the future and you don’t think about the past, you just think about this very moment. Sometimes we know we’re not being present when we feel things like fear. When we’re fearful we’re thinking about the future. Do you get afraid? What are you afraid of?” She looks at me dumbfounded and then it starts raining, we are getting wet even through the roof. I pick her up and take her inside.

    Vague memory of packing boxes with my cousins and moving somewhere together.

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    Updated 01-24-2017 at 10:31 PM by 70665

    Tags: non-lucid