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    Visions in the Dark

    Anxiety about appointments

    by , 02-04-2008 at 06:00 AM (430 Views)
    This dream came about by anxiety about medical appointments I thought I had February 4th, 2008. I thought that I had a doctor's appointment at 2:30pm and then a dentist's appointment at 4:00pm. While the doctor's was actually on that day, I ended up having to reschedule for a later date because my community support worker (CSW) had come down with the flu. I also later realized that the doctor's appointment was actually the day after. I spent the whole weekend worrying about these appointments which I mistakenly thought were on the same day and thought I had missed them. I had this nightmare because of it.

    It is day time, the sun peeks through hazy grey clouds and there is a breeze which alternates between slightly chilly and refreshingly warm. I think I would describe it as a warm autumn day, especially with the breeze constantly blowing brown leaves and various other light debris through the streets. There are many people around, going wherever they are going, but they are all unrecognizable random DCs. Most of them are dressed for the weather, but almost all look like they have hard lives and come from lower class situations. No one is smiling or talking and everyone has a hard, grim facial expression as they go about their business. The surrounding facades are dull and faded but nothing looks abandoned or out of place, just dirty and worn down from much use and low maintenance. Most of the buildings are tall, imposing concrete office buildings with smaller businesses and apartments squeezed inbetween.

    I look younger than I do now, maybe about 17 or 18 years old. I have my big black highschool napsack on and am carrying something in my arms - a book, I think. I cannot remember much about what I was wearing but I do recall that I had on my black banded digital watch on my left wrist, mostly because I look to it many times in the dream. The dream starts off with me walking down a gritty city street, squinting against the sun that just came out from behind a dark cloud and is shining right into my eyes. I am on my way to my community support worker's office but the city is unfarmiliar to anything I know in waking life and I am not really confident about where I am going. I am worried because in the dream I still think I have those two appointments today and I am late already and afraid that I am not going to get to meet up with Susie (my CSW) on time at 2:15 pm. I constantly look at my watch to see what time it is.

    I turn down one alley, hoping it is a short cut, but I end up running into a deadend street. There is a parked car at the one end and the only way out is back the way I came. I cannot remember what happened next but suddenly I am sitting in a four door, dark blue car with a former co-worker of mine, his brother and one other person I do not recognize. Samir, the former co-worker, is wearing a black leather jacket, a dark blue skully and is sitting with me in the back seat of the vehicle. The car is parked in an alley way under a rusted metal staircase. Samir's brother and the other person in the front seat are talking and looking for something outside the vehicle or keeping watch for someone. Samir is leaning towards me and has a sad look on his face. He is talking, but I do not remember what he said. I think he offered me a ride to my destination, but I panicked because I do not know the way and I am uncomfortable being near Samir - not because I hate him, quite the opposite in fact, since I have a huge crush on him and I am afraid of what he will think of me if he finds out that I require community support to work on my life right now. I flee from the vehicle in shame and run out of the alleyway. Samir jumps out of the car and calls after me, but does not give chase. I steal one last look at his beautiful face before I turn the corner out of the alleyway and back into the busy street. He has a worried and confused look on his face.

    Back on the busy street I run into a throng of people I cannot push my way through. The crowd is moving slowing down the street and I am pushed along with it. At this point I realize that my book and wrist watch are gone and I think that I must have lost them in Samir's car, but I am not certain. The anxiety I feel about the appointments is aggrevated by the fact that I still am not certain where I am going, I cannot tell the time now because my watch is gone, I am worried about what Samir thinks of me, and finally I cannot go back to find either Samir or the watch because the huge crowd of people is forced me to go wherever the hell they are going. The sky has darkened considerably but not because the sun is setting. Indeed it appears that the sun had not moved from where it was at the beginning of the dream, but that the clouds in the sky have became thicker and blacker and are moving much faster across the sky, as if a storm is quickly rolling in. The breeze is also picking up and becoming chillier.

    There is a break in the throng of people and I am able to dive into a small stairwell in the side of a beige, bricked building. The steps lead down to a large metal door that was either green or brown but I can no longer remember. Since it is unlocked, and there is no break in the heavy crowd of people on the street, I open the door and go through. I am in a long, narrow hallway with flickering lights, exposed, leaky pipes and broken and decaying floortiles. It is not scary, just very badly maintained. At the very end of the hall is another large metal door and when I go through I find myself in what appears to be a large covered parking garage that is strewn with garbage and debris. To my right there is a brightly lit store or restaurant of some kind but I ignore it because at the far end of the parking garage I can see daylight and lush trees beyond the opening. I still feel bad about missing my appointments and wish I could call Susie somehow, but I figure that it is way too late for that and I want to go over to the trees.

    Some of the garbage in the covered parking area is very large and I have to navigate through it like a maze. When I am close to the exit, I can see a glass building and a garden full of flowers and trees. I step on something squishy and stop to look down to see what looks like a lump of flesh. I am grossed out but determined to make it out of there but I notice as I walk along many more parts of flesh on the ground. I think to myself that it looks like the large intestine of a large mammal and as I follow the trail of flesh with my eyes until I see a human body laying face down on the ground. It is a caucasian man with dark brown hair and wearing a dark blue shirt and black pants. I cannot see his face but I think he may have been a business man or somehing. His entire body is surrounded by flesh and internal organs and makes me think the man was disemboweled. Strangely, there is not blood or fluids, just solid body parts, and near the man is a large translucent tarp that had been wrapped around something long, narrow and red.

    I do not get much of a chance to see what is in the tarp because I hear a group of children laughing behind me. I turn and see about five or six pre-teens standing with their hands on their hips and trying to look tough. I cannot remember the details of most of the kids other than they were scruffy looking and wore dirty, ripped clothes. The only child that stood out was a blond haired girl wearing black goth clothing who seemed to be the oldest of them all and the leader of the group. She said in a matter of fact way that the tarp contained the body of another person. The other kids ignored the carnage and began playing in the garbage and debris like it was a jungle gym, except for the goth girl who just crossed her arms and glared at me. I forgot about wanting to see the trees and wanted to know about the children - why they were there and why they seemed uneffected by the dead bodies and garbage around them.

    The children ran away when I approached them and turned the corner near the metal door that I first came through. I followed and discovered they had gone into the small brightly lit eatery which I now noticed had a large pink sign saying "Susie's Snack Stop" or something like that. The name on the sign reminded me about missing my appointment with my community support worker and I feel pangs of regret, but I enter the resturant anyway. I pass a large white tub as I enter and see many confectionary treats, like marshmellow squares and nanaimo bars but I also notice that some appear to be made of vegetables instead of candy. The kids are all sitting at a table with an older man who seems to be the only person running the place. He is bald, wearing a light blue t-shirt underneath a white apron and is dishing out what appears to be macaroni and cheese into small metals bowls for the kids. I want to ask the bald man how this place can operate while surrounded by such filth and carnage, but I do not feel comfortable discussing it in front of the children. The goth girl is still staring at me, but her expression has softened and she motions to me to come and sit beside her.

    I remain standing at the edge of table and while the children talk and eat I suddenly hear men's voices from outside the eatery. I head for the exit and my eyes are drawn to the large white tub again, but I see nothing significant and continue on to the exit. The goth girl jumps up and chases after me. Outside the eatery the scene has changed. While it is still dirty and garbage strewn, the area appears to be a basement or something. There are exposed pipes and boilers around, but between those are tables and display cases with flags and lights for decorations. It looks like some sort of promotion or fair or something. There are adult men in business suits hanging around the tables and talking with each other. I see a man in a black suit head to the far end of the basement and walk through a solid wall. I start running in that direction, thinking it is a way out, but the goth girl catches up with me and tells me to stay with her. She has an expression of worry on her face that remind's me of Samir. I ask her why she wants me to stay and she says: "Because I love you." I do not know how to respond and turn to leave, thinking that the girl is being ridiculous. The other children come out and stand around their leader and they all watch me go.

    When I get to the wall that the man in the black suit disappeared through, it becomes transparent and beyond it I can see a concrete staircase leading up. I walk through the wall and a freezing cold sensation almost paralyzes my body as I do so. At the top of the stairs things become much warmer as it leads outside into a busy street. It is different from the streets at the beginning of the dream and looks more like the city I actually live in. The first thing my eyes are drawn too is a clock tower down the street and the time on it says 1:48. I become excited because this means that I still have time to find Susie and make my appointments, but as I start down the sidewalk I run into people dressed in marching band gear holding instruments. There seems to be some confusion and they are all running around like they don't know what to do. Suddenly a marching band line appears from a side street and start down the road towards me. There is a large float parade behind them and the sidewalks are congested with people come to watch the parade. I duck into a walled yard to escape the crowd, hoping to find a way through to a street on the otherside of the building, but instead run into a group of inner city youth having a free style rap competition. I am accosted and told that I cannot pass until I listen to some of the contenders. I am frustrated because I know that I can still make my appointments, I can feel the anxiety welling up inside of me again, but I stay and listen for a while. The first young man has black and had a kickin' afro. It was awesome because it was like a perfect circle. His beats were pretty cool but I did not stay to listen to the entire rap of the second guy (who looked like Eminem). I ran through the yard and around the building and to the street on the other side.

    I stood on the sidewalk and looked around to get my bearings. To my right, far down the street, I could see the parade approaching. To my left the road went under a large interstate bridge or something. In front of me was a small park space with trees and benches and stuff. I ran across the street to the parkspace and saw on the far side another road and beyond that a convenience store with a pay phone. I cross the park and come to another road which slopes down and is congested with cars. I think it is the parade again, but it turns out to be a funeral procession when two black minivans, followed by a black hearse, drive by. I almost get hit by the first black van when I try to cross. I do manage to dodge the cars and make it too the other side and I am almost overwhelmed by the emotions I am feeling. I am so close to being able to call Susie, hoping that she will come and pick me up, but my anxiety and frustration only grows as a approatch the pay phone. The walkway leading up to it suddenly narrows and I am either growing bigger or the store is growing smaller because all of a sudden my legs are trapped between the narrow metal railings on the walkway and my head hits the overhand of the convenience store's roof. I am stuck and frustrated and about to give up in despair...

    ...but then I wake up.

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