Recent DJ Posts

I totally blew past my WBTB and woke up at around 5:30AM. I decided it was too late for a real WBTB so I focused on WILD. I guess I was too sleepy to be successful but something stuck because around an hour and fifteen minutes later I have two strange in dream DEILDs.

#187 - 6:45AM - DEILD?

I have false awakening but think I am really awake. I feel sort of like I am in sleep paralysis but I have no vibrations. I begin visualizing getting out of bed and I feel like I am really making a transition. I am aware of both my physical body and my dream body. I am on my right side and I continuously try throwing my legs over side and scooting out of bed but it's like my upper body weighs a thousand pounds and won't move. Finally I begin visualizing walking and soon it feels real.

Suddenly I get vision and I can see that I am standing on my front porch facing the morning sun. There is a beautiful jungle scene in front of me that is hard to describe. I see dense green foliage and trees but they look trimmed. There is like a type of tree limb ceiling above me and the sun on the horizon is peeking through. I pause and look at the vivid surreal colors before continuing. I realize that I have no lucid task in mind so I decide to just go exploring.

As I walk forward I notice that my vision is cut to 14:9 like on a wide-screen tv. For some reason I know that my vision will come in full once I leave the jungle and enter the full sunlight. There is some brief blindness as it does so and I stare at the sun. There is something odd about the sun. Shape... color... I don't remember. I look away and see several daytime moons in different phases clustered together in the pale blue sky. Most of them look waning crescent but one or two look last quarter and waning gibbous. I count them. 1,2,3,4,5. Wow 5 moons. I must be on another planet! I think about flying to one but they are so faint and pail that I worry I'll just get lost up there. I see another lone waning crescent making 6 moons, but seems to be in flux. It's not quite sure if its full moon or not. Suddenly, I realize I am conscientiously doing this so I leave it.

I turn around and see 20th street. I walk out into the empty street and as soon as I do I see something like a blue Prowler coming toward me. I stand my ground to let it hit me. There is a slight bump but it passes right through. I play with several other cars like this. I wonder if I can plant my feet on the grill of one and carjack like I did in a previous lucid but they all continue to be phantoms. Or perhaps I am the phantom. For some reason each car makes me levitate a little. I float around a bit and have a possible false memory of having a lucid earlier in the night. I remember having trouble flying and was swim flying with little success.

I get tired of playing in the traffic and notice that there is an empty lot with several storage trailers on the other side of the road. I decide to see what is inside them. But on my way over there I see that strange woman that I saw when we went grocery shopping in waking life. She is crossing the street the other way on a bike, eying me suspiciously. I rush over to her and for whatever reason I call her a few derogatory words. I pull her off the bike and pop open her blouse. "Yeah let me see some black titty!" Before anything else happens the scene fades.


I am fooled by another false awakening. I get up and do something. I'm not sure. My wife says something to me and I tell her I had that I just had a lucid dream. "So." was her only response.
"Whatever I'll just do it again." I lay back down and feel like that I can OBE on the spot at anytime. I relax and get back into the same SP transitional stage that I was in previously.

After a few moments I am fully lucid and heading back out the front door. This time I decide to go around to the back. I realize that I haven't messed around the alley too much in my OBE's. I do just that.

When I get there the sky is dark and the alley is much different than waking life. The neighbor's house looks like some saloon from Red Dead Redemption and the area reminds me of familiar dream location. I make my way up some exterior stairs onto a balcony, then around to the front side and in the house through an exterior door. There is a long dark hallway in front of me. I just continue on in the total darkness trying to see. I think they must still be a sleep so the lights are just off. In a second I see an open door to a bedroom. The sun is coming in the windows and the room is brightly lit. The flooring is pristine natural colored hardwood. The only piece of furniture in the room is a large bed with a cream colored comforter. There are two lumps under the blankets. I don't want to do anything too weird here (like the last segment) so I run and jump in between them on the bed. I wanted to shock and scare them as a prank but as soon as I hit the bed I have yet another false awakening. Before I can make anything of it, I wake for real.

4/3/13

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[Alright. I'll try to keep this to the point. Forgive my confusing scattered words. It's taken me my whole life to master this level of communication... and I'm still very far from being the Master.

I'm assuming this topic is alright for DreamViews because it ties heavily into my dreams and general life.
And I'm assuming people here will talk to me as if I'm not "psycho". And be quite loving and understanding.
BLESS the ones who aren't offended at my words.

If anyone has read Charles Fort's works, they'll understand what I mean when I say:

In every truth lies the hint of what can be called fantasy, and
in everyone's yarn there lurks something of what can be called the truth.

Please keep this in mind. This is an experience that is a little "off".
It's an experience- incompleted by the knowledge of what it was I experienced.
I'm missing the right way to relate this to you.
I know what I felt, and I know what I thought I understood about it.
That is all. And nothing more. Like many humans, I am filled with pride and vanity.
But I acknowledge that I TRULY know nothing.
I am not claiming to know anything on these subjects.]

All times are approximate.

Please keep an open mind.

This is my experience with Lucy.

================================================== =
__________________________________________________ ____________________________
[Background]

My name is Austin.

4 days ago, I experienced Lucy, aka "Acid" aka "LSD" with my "perfect-for-me" girlfriend.

Her name is Alex.

I love this tragic girl bottomlessly, so much it hurts. But this trip was different than with shrooms.
This time, I caught a glimpse of one of those most peculiar facets of reality.
I caught a glimpse beyond the veil. I felt something else's presence among the two of us.
I think it was what the Alchemists and the Shamans and the Wizards and Philosophers
and Dreamers and Scientists and more... would understand as "Lucifer".

Not many people will understand what I'm about to say.
That is because what I'm going to say CANNOT be put into these helpless words. Not in these hopeless worlds.
Hopefully, someone on these forums who has experimented with altered consciousness-
Will understand these metaphors and will relate. I hope someone knows what I'm talking about.
I will do my BEST to explain them to the others who don't get it yet.
This is why people who are actually on to something- are soon discredited as incoherent or such.
What we seek cannot be put into words. The words will escape you like sand through fingers.
Reminiscent of deja vu. If someone demands you explain these secrets, it won't happen. It can't.
Experience is the only way. First-hand.

Now.

I believe Lucifer can appear as and through different things to different people.
But to me it was or was through the gentle and mysterious lover.
The fiery serpentine chasing me up the spiral staircase.
Lucy was the image in between the mirror. Behind the lights.
She was there- but not in a physical sense. The lights would glow brightly when she was close.

My experience with this "entity" was gentle. Loving. Harshly beautiful. With a tinge of dark.
A hint of mystery. He/she told me things through my girlfriend. Beautiful things.
The problem is- my girlfriend claims that I was lost in a trip the entire time.
Conversations I thought I had between us, were just conversations with myself...
Through my girlfriend. But I'll have to ask for more faith from YOU
that I know that I was talking with "someone" whether it was my girlfriend
or an "entity" of less-than-physical existence. It may very well all have been in my head.
But I'm implying that perhaps that's how this thing works.
It IS all in your head. But at the same time it's not JUST in your head.

Oh man, it makes you double take on schizophrenia and general insanity in the world.
What if one of these people screaming on the street are screaming the truth?

Lately, I've been having these reoccurring thoughts in my head that I'm somehow Lucifer.
I just notice all these similarities to me and the angel they call "Lucifer".
My cardinal sin is Pride. I'm a dreamer, a musician, a lover, a woman and a man.
I don't belong here and I feel out of place. I equate myself to a Lion.
I seek knowledge. It reminds me of the story of the Apple of Eden.

I have a STRONG intuition that I'll meet Lucifer on Lucy.
__________________________________________________ ______________
[Austin]

I was one of those "weird kids" you find in school... That never did and never will fit in.
The quiet, smart, awkward kid. The outlandish kind. But I've held on to my innocence.
Longer than most could- I still have real good in my heart. I still have that light inside.
I feel like I have a perfect blend of female and male inside. I feel almost superhuman inside.
But broken at the same time. Like something is missing. My heart is full, but my roots are dry.
But I have a love for horror. An amorous pulling to the mysterious. Everyone has these things.

But I'm uncontrollably thirsty for knowledge. Wisdom. The way the Universe works, in all her wonder.
I've procrastinated the ignition of my life. I've waited to begin my life-
Just to bury myself in books. Drowned myself in watery facts and ideas.
Pondered for hours on "reality" breaking ideas. Ideas that would make sheep panic.
Ideas that only excite ME. "Maybe the world isn't as boring as I thought," I thought.

My life works in symbols. Archetypes.
The boundless ocean. The mother. The Lion. The female. Green. Autumn.
The King. Duality. Trinity. Clocks, and Stuffed Bears. Dreams. It doesn't matter.
But it does.

I know about the connection between you and I. Through reading, experience with dreams,
books of esotericism, books of all sorts!, and simple observation. It doesn't take a genius to see
That there is someone pulling strings in reality. Watch those coincidences.
Try to find connections. It used to be impossible- Then it became improbable.
Now it's highly probable. I know most of you will take me as insane.
There will be one who takes these words just right.

Lately I've been noticing the insane improbable-almost-to-the-point-of-impossible amount of coincidences.
The Universe was talking to me all the time. I just needed to tune in.
__________________________________________________ _____________________________
[Alex]

She's the most interesting human I've met so far.

She has reason behind everything she does!

If she were an element, she'd be fire. She's a white Tiger she says.
Her taste is deliciously refined. She knows what she likes.
During Shrooms, I noticed something very peculiar.
While everyone else in the room tripped blindly.
She unscrewed light bulbs, turned things upside down.
I saw it. It resonated with me.
It was her act of defiance I think that caught my eye.
Her rebellion against the collection of rules we call society.
Mischievous girl. I understand she'll break my heart one day.
...
She grew up so fast. She's had a miserable life so far.
It beat the shit out of her. Her Mother is a monster. (Broke my damn side-view mirror that bitch.)
She never had a father. (He left before Alex was born.)

I've noticed that she does NOT attract happy karmic events.
If there ever was an unlucky human, it was her.
Her life hands her more shit than most humans would be able to handle.
She is hardened to this cruel world. The pessimist out of us.
But she knows things. She knows how it really is.
I'm wary of her. But just as wary as someone can be
of someone you love more than anything.

Our relationship is confusing.
At times we're like best friends.
Sometimes we're enemies.
Sometimes we're just animals using each other.
But when it's all said and done...
All I want to do is hold her hand and keep her safe through this lifetime.
That is what I'm here to do.
If there's anything that's real in this goddamned life, it's that I TRULY love that girl.
__________________________________________________ ____________________________________
[0:00]
We walked into my bedroom and placed two blotters each (piece of paper with LSD dropped on) under our tongues.
We sat around for a moment and began to feel excited and restless. Hence our decision to go to the local convenience store to grab a drink for the trip.
We smoked a bowl and headed down the hallway to go outside.
"Do you want to drive?" I dangle my Miku anime-keychain.
"Mmm... Yes!" I barely offer it, but she barely ever accepts. I become aware of the symbolism in that.

(throughout that day, I had seen the theme of "Lucifer"
sowing itself in and out of the tapestry of reality. Through coincidence. Shit happens, you know, but you'll start to notice that a great deal of that "shit"'s probability doesn't match up with the general idea of probability that society has built. Too many coincidences to be without an explanation. Too much smoke to be without a fire. I'd see pictures on Tumblr of serpents and horns- I'd see references to the Bible and things like that- but there was just so much of it today, more so than usual.)


Pulling up, I asked my girlfriend, "Do you know the story of The Garden of Eden?" ...
"Yeah, I know about that story." She humors me.
"Well... sh-should I trust him? I know I'll have to meet him eventually..."
"I don't know..." She knows.
"Huh." I drop it.

I know she doesn't understand my curiosity. I accept it's just one of our differences.

We grab our drinks- 2 thirst busters, and a pink powerade for me and a blood red powerade for her.

When we get back to the house, giddy and excited, we metaphorically "stumble" through the door.
I mean by that- that we were a little "off" by now. It had been 30min. We were walking perfectly fine.
Talking a little strangely... but perfectly functional. Just a little "different" and "strange".

__________________________________________________ ___________________________________
[0:35]
As we walked back in the room and shut the door, she unloaded a pocketful of things and change.
I pointed it out to her that she was becoming a little more like me.
"It's because I love you." It made sense. I picked up a lot of her traits at times too.

We sat on my bed and loved on each other a little. Tickles, talking, touching, pictures, videos.
It was about an hour through, that we started to feel a little more than just "stoned."
The first stage was the breaking of the shell. The realization that there's more to "you" than just "you."
I watched the clock and became the clock. My awareness controlled how I existed.
Visuals were normal. If a little more relaxed. "Diffused" is a good word. "Unfocused".

I stayed consciously aware of what I was feeling constantly. It was creeping up pretty slowly- but it wasn't anything like I had felt before.
I could "feel" it coming on, as I could with other things. It felt like... a drop-off. A cliff.
It felt like I was hanging off the side of a great cliff, dangling over the abyss from a rope.
Alex told me several times throughout the trip that that's how I "felt", as if she could feel what I felt too.

We immediately went to work with our music playlists that we had planned out. I'm usually the one who spends time thinking about the future (making playlists for acid trips is a good example of this), but Alex surprised me this time by being prepared. Notice this coincidence.

She listened to her music first. Of Monsters and Men. The Head and the Heart. Modest Mouse. Bright Eyes.
Amazing music. But it left me wanting something more familiar.

On to my music. I felt around with my ears the following: Gorillaz, The Beatles, Vampire Weekend, Arcade Fire, Radiohead, Panic! At The Disco...

Oh, such beautiful things tucked away neatly in these songs. A word to the wise:
Alot of these bands know what they're talking about. They know what I'M talking about.
It's all in the music that we listen to- secrets. But remember that words can't describe what I've seen.
But music is a better language for something like this.

Take note that "Lucifer" is constantly associated with things such as "light, music, beauty, etc".

Well back to the trip. By this point, another hour has passed. I had been on the brink of tears countless times now from what I'd seen
and momentarily forgotten.
(Amnesia sucks. I have reason to believe my human is plagued with holey memory. I hope to one day find out why. Probably heavy fluoride in the pineal gland.)

__________________________________________________ __________________________________
[1:15]
Now, me and Alex just wanted to talk again.

She told me about what laughter was for.
She told me that:
"Love is strange- If you get too filled up with that wonderfulness [love], it'll make you sad. You need to let it out every once in awhile.
It's meant to be shared."

My god! Right in front of our eyes. Laughter was the human mechanism for sharing love with the world. The letting out of steam.
It was biological as much as it was just... oddly metaphysically organic. I mean by that... ... no. I'll have to leave that one for you. It's a mechanism of my higher-self as much as it is my human.

"If you start to feel sad... it's because you need to let it out. Share it." If there's one thing I held on to throughout my trip, it was this.

Countless times I felt that well of sadness rising up. I pushed it down by laughing at how wonderful everything was. I just looked around.
I laughed at how crazy I was for thinking I was talking to the devil. I laughed at how impossibly-obviously it presented itself to me.
I laughed at how all of my favorite bands had all of the answers to my questions- but in code.
I laughed at how awkward my soul piloted my human. I would lean into kiss my lover, and land somewhere else and just laugh.
I laughed at how perfect she was. How she always found the perfect thing to say to me. It was like a storybook. Like a dream.
Like I had always wished and wished for. She completed me, like a puzzle piece. How curious.



My soul wasn't very good at integrating me into society, in general, I observed.
I just have never understood the importance of fitting in. Never in my life.
If I had a finger to point... it would be at my soul.
From what I understand...
He should be the one who deals with matters spanning over the 4th dimension... over and outside of time.

But...
I am him. I just sometimes forget.

__________________________________________________ __________________________
[1:45]
Alex.

She was different now. She was still her. But now with a mischievous grin. Cheshire was smiling through my love's face.
She walked like a Goddess, like a perfect little hipster indie kid. (I think that's what I would incarnate as if I were Lucy.) [I'll call her Lucy.]
She pointed to my antique clock and told me the face was the surface of a pond. She was pointing at my symbols. She knew what it meant to me. She knew I had always equated myself with the element water. She knew my personality was watery in itself.
"It's like a dirty pond with scattered numbers."
She knew about my shaky relationship with time.
The pond represented me.

She got up and stretched. "Man, all this damn water." ...again, referring to ME.
As if she had finally seen the real me.
She said it as if just arriving there to that moment in time, before flashing me a grin.
Again, I got the impression of being in the presence of a Goddess- in the flesh. She knew I knew.

She analyzed my life so far and hit every nail on the head. With such grace and the perfect hint of mystery to keep me there. She talked about my innocence and my attachment to my inner child.
I have a stuffed animal, a tattered old bear- she told me that my child was beaten up.
My innocence was hurt.

I think I feel the need to use the word "her" because I was still clinging on to egos. I was afraid to be one with this. All the warnings.
All the damn warnings from humanity. Avoid the one they call the devil. I struggled within myself against it.

"It's like a bunch dolls in a dollhouse." She referred to the bodies we inhabited.

At this point- my mind was so far in the "strange". My nerves and senses were totally "not-normal".
I didn't think of it as, "Sight" or "Hearing" or "Feeling"... it was more of a five-pronged color wheel of general sensation manifesting itself as a big picture. I mean... My senses began to blur into one sense.

And the trails. Oh my... There was a mesmerizing soft blur behind any sort of movement.

I also began to notice catching weird alien thoughts in my own head. I felt like I was tuning in on Alex's thoughts.
I STILL can't figure out who it really was that first wanted that cigarette. Also...
I would look at Alex with a question and she would verbally respond.
Me and Alex began to slowly realize something. Not that we were melding consciousness. But that we already were one consciousness.
I was getting my first understanding of what "Duality" and "Unity" truly meant.

I spoke incoherently, akin to Jack Sparrow. I was trying to grasp an idea.
It was being relayed to me from outside of my head, that's for sure.

But here's a metaphor to help you understand what I mean.
Sometimes, if you stare directly at something...
It vanishes.
But if you learn to look with the corner of your eye.
You might get a better glimpse.

If I thought too hard at an idea, it would run away.
Same with Lucy/Lucifer. If we chased after her, she would vanish.
She would stop amusing us. She had a tendency to sneak in and out of our trip.

And then something happened... she tried to get me to kiss her. She had that devilish look in her eye.
I... recoiled. I subconsciously knew that what I was dealing with was indeed very heavy. It meant something.
And I needed to be perfectly conscious so I could make a decision. These cautious thoughts were definitely mine.

I know what LSD can do to you. You have to keep your mind clear and empty or else you'll convince yourself of something.
I decided that this vision or feeling of dancing with the devil was TOO persistent to be a simple delusion.
I might be an odd human, but I know that these was DEFINITELY something more to this than delusion.
Truly, there's some truth in my yarn. But I kept a clear head so that I would feel the feelings as they came.

I was forced to make a decision of a life time. If I went through with this, I had a feeling my life would never be the same. But my life was always so boring... I kind of ached for it, you know?

Vampire Weekend summed it up perfectly:

"It’s not right but it’s now or never
And if I wait could I ever forgive myself? "

I finally kissed her back, pushing through my hesitation. It WAS just my girlfriend.
I kiss her all the time. But this time it was mixed-up, fearful, and hesitant.
We lost ourselves in our slow kisses for awhile. And suddenly...
for JUST a moment, I woke up from the Matrix that we live in.
I realized in that moment that I was NOT my body... or even my mind, for that matter.
Whatever I really was, it was "green" and "bright" and "vibrant" and "full of love".
She was more "grey" and "scarred" and "hopeless" but "wise" and "full of texture"
The best way I can describe what it felt like... I was an amorphous living "thing".
A giant changing organism of "light". I felt MYSELF (I'll capitalize when I refer to our higher self.)
brushing up against my lover... in an alien landscape, in alien bodies. It was more beautiful than anything you've ever experienced.
It was scarring to someone who wants to remain ignorant. I now knew.

She knew I had finally seen the true HER. SHE was disfigured and bruised from the horrors and disappointments of her lives.
I held her body close and radiated an infinite love that she had never felt before. She knew I knew. She knew I loved her regardless.
I didn't get to see any specifics, but I know that we've known each other intimately besides this life. Same with all the people in my life.

We cuddled for a little and loved each other. I accepted every little part of her, and she accepted every little part of me.

__________________________________________________ ____________________________________
[2:00]
We laid in my bed and stared around my room. It was as if I was my soul, checking up on my human. My room was a wreck.
Disorganized and messy. I scolded myself. My eyes caught all these symbols that I would have never caught.
I looked at my long hair and saw my female trying to claw her way out. She was desperate to be seen and pet.
It was tragic. I felt a little drunk- by that I mean that drunken feeling of trying to walk. A great happy cheerfulness filled me
despite my slight lack of coordination.

I had to go to the bathroom though... I was afraid to be away from Alex, so I hesitated...
"I REAAAALLY need to goooo."
"Okay, I'm going now."
"Alright baby, here I go."
"I NEED TO PEEEE."
(I said all of those... probably 20 seconds apart. Stalling.)

I worked up the courage to break away. I drifted like a ghost down the hall.
Once in the bathroom, I got on my knees and peed close to the toilet (a strange habit I'd picked up years ago).
I got up, and checked myself out in the mirror. My pupils were huge. I could see my soul showing through my eyes.
It was beautiful. I always thought that was beautiful. Enlarged pupils are subconsciously attractive to me.
Then I returned to Alex. We were both thinking about the same thing now. Ourselves.

We both stared at our vessels with self-love. She began to talk again,
"You know... I never really got why people are so against this." I knew she was referring to our self-love.
"If you have what you have, what's the point in Not loving it?" -She continued while eyeing herself with love and a hint of lust.
I did the same.

Sometime throughout the trip, I stripped naked and watched my body closely.
It was so... gorgeous. My male and female energies were so balanced.
I marveled at my body's hips and legs, and my shoulders and eyes.


(I'd always had a deeply ingrained disgust with egoists.
Egotistical people had always disgusted me. They were never going to grow, because they were so weighed down by their own empty weight. My religious Dad pointed out that I had pride in my eyes, countless times through my childhood. He made sure I knew it was wrong.)

(But... I couldn't find an argument to this one. I had always thought myself and Alex to be extremely attractive.
In a different kind of way than what society could see. I would walk by a group of girls, flicking on a switch inside.
I would think confident feelings, I would KNOW that I was sexy... and the girls would always look my direction and blush.
I had that power. Everyone does. And if it's already there... It's just a matter of turning it on.)

__________________________________________________ __________________________________
[2:30]
Alex had to go pee next. It had been 2 1/2 hours now. She left to go to the bathroom...
But I found myself following close behind, as if I were going to the bathroom as well.
As if we were going to share that experience. I paused and realized that I couldn't follow her in there.
She chuckled at me and left.

I realized I still needed to pee! I normally was very "good" at holding my bladder.
But this time felt different. Seconds had passed since Alex left the room.
"I don't think I can wait." I said to myself, alone in my room.
I panicked when I thought that perhaps Lucy had something to do with my bladder un-control.

Then I realized it. I wasn't feeling MY need to pee. I was feeling Alex's need to pee.
I had already pissed. Now it was her turn.
Only catch.
I was going to experience her turn.

When it finally dawned on me what was going on...
I began to squirm and struggle to hold in my bladder-
While I was experienced pee-ing.
I could feel it so clearly. It felt good~
But I was unable to enjoy the relieving feeling due to my panic.
It reminds me slightly of orgasm, but just a hint.
I'm proud to say, that I LSD didn't make me piss

I continued to squirm, until she was done.
Then I walked out of my room and met her at the door to explain.
She grinned at me.

__________________________________________________ _________________________________
[3:30]
At about 3 1/2 hours.
We fell into the bed again, and fell entranced by my ceiling light.
It broke my popcorn ceiling into a crystal kaleidoscope.
It began to glow intensely. We lied there in that room staring at that light forever.
It was so fucking beautiful. I could tell that there was something "more" to the light.
There was something "behind" the light. "Inside" it. "Outside" of it...
Wait no... There's no word for it. "Within" would be the best fit.

Lucy was close-by. The light vibrated. The ceiling crawled.
The room came to life. We were coming to a peak of the trip.
Alex snapped me out of it.
"Don't let it take you away."
What a strange thing to say, I thought.
I'm sure she knew what I felt.
But I looked away and broke the spell.

Our gazes returned shortly after.
She gasped- "I can see your heartbeat in the ceiling."
Both of our jaws dropped. It was true. The light was pulsating to my heart.
We were pushed back against the wall and the bed... HARD.
But it was because of how incredibly beautiful and powerful it was.
The entity.
... ...
She joked for the third time, "If this is the peak, I'd still be disappointed."
I laughed at that challenge to Lucy.

We sat up from our bed, feeling like we had lived an eternity in moments.

The green curtains had crawling vines. If you relaxed your eyes on them, they would move like crazy.
I could also see aura around Alex. Her's was red.
She told me mine was a bright green.

By now, we had abandoned words for the most part. We both realized how much easier it was
to communicate in "soul-speak", in thought, and in feeling.

__________________________________________________ __________________________
[4:30]
We walked outside. Oh. My. God.

"There's a world out here..." We both gasped. We were coming down fast.

But that one moment when I first experienced nature... our SUN, the neighborhood.
I will never forget it. It made me gasp in my female's voice. It was THAT powerful.
I was powerfully aware of our position in the solar system. That big glowing thing in the sky...
It's in a very basic sense: "Alive".

Fire is... "Alive." Plants and animals... they're "alive and conscious".

My only metaphor for this... would be...
There's these Mexican candies... I forget their name...
But it's a plastic container, with this spicy/sour chile mango
Squishy candy inside.
You squeeze it out through the top and it comes out in strands.
Like squishy red grass.
The inside of the container is primal life. Life in it's most basic form. Before it's manifested in this world.
When it's squeezed out, it seperates into egos and distinctions. Each little blade is a different manifestation of the same thing.

(Matter is alive too, just vibrating at a different level. But I digress- back to the trip.)

My lover and I sat beautifully in our bodies. I followed her to a spot in the shade, out of the morning sun where we found our perch. Watching the school children and other humans waking up, and going to school and work.
We sat there and watched, understanding that they may never know the things we know.
They may go their whole lives and never see the truth.
I began to grow nervous that people were walking about as, well, we were tripping balls in my front driveway.

I shook it off, "Ah fuck it. A school bus of children could pass by for all I care."
A school bus passed 6 seconds later. Me and Alex eyed each other and knew that Lucy was still with us.

We had a conversation between a human God and Goddess in my front yard about the tops of trees.
She pointed to the top of the pine tree before us.
"You know, the tops of trees are my favorite parts of trees." She spoke softly.
I thought to myself of whether there was symbolism in what she said.
She paused before saying, "It matters."

She reminded me of plants. I had always wanted to communicate with one. I cupped in my hands a yellow flowered weed next to me, and I closed my eyes. I felt something. But not very strongly. I felt impatient.

"You want to go inside, don't you?" I had a feeling.
"Yeah..."
"Well... can we wait out here for just a second?"
"Yeah, as long as you want."
But I couldn't fully enjoy it, now that I knew she wanted to go inside.
I asked one more question... It was aimed at Lucy AND Alex.
"You aren't going leave me... are you?" The insecure little girl I had once been was asking.
I began to tear up and almost cry at the thought of being disconnected from this in the future.
I don't remember her answer. But it was good. I remembered to laugh, so I wouldn't be sad.
So we got up and walked inside.

__________________________________________________ _____________________________________
[6:00]
It was approximately 6 hours into our trip, more or less.
Lucy was still here, but in a less HERE way.

(INTERJECTION: The overwhelming clarity of LSD is so strange to experience, in stark contrast to the drug propaganda out there. Do not listen to your government on matters like this. You have to trust your heart on this to know if you're ready for something like this. I was ready. I've been waiting for this day my entire life.)

Now I wasn't talking directly to Lucy. I was talking to just my Alex.
She noted that I had been talking "past her" for the past few hours.
That I had, in reality, been lost in a sort of trip. But I know what I experienced.
I have faith in it. And I will not let the world shake it out of me like they do to the rest of us.

Back to the experience. I confronted another demon of mine.
My occasional lack of passion. My lack of red and orange and yellow.
My lack of masculine energies.

Alex was calling me to her. She stretched her beautiful body in my bed, like a cat.
I knew her body wanted mine. I knew her animal ached for mine.
But I am not the normal male. Not the normal man.
I didn't feel like a wolf ready to take control.
I was unsure and awkward. I felt wrong every time I tried to force a passionate kiss.
I couldn't fake passion. So I sat there awkward.

I don't know how many Panic! At The Disco songs I heard before it happened.
(Panic! was playing on shuffle the first time we made love.)

She took control. She pushed me against the bed. She has what I don't have.
I tried to fight back... but she was too strong for me.
I quivered and moaned like the female I felt.
She touched my body and made me feel powerless.
I began to tear up in fear and quiet submission.
Oh, it was then I felt real passion.
This is one reason why we're like puzzle pieces. We match.


Sometimes I curse myself for being born in a male body, when I'm so obviously not.
But I understand that things happen for reasons. Perhaps I chose this existence to make amends
with my masculinity.


I'll skip out some pretty details.
But there was passionate kisses.
"I can see why humans do that." She smirked along with me.
It was a physical means to elicit a reaction in our souls. It was a way to communicate.
We were trading delicate feelings through lips.
Two aliens; two children of the stars-
experiencing what it was like to love as humans.
Oh the impossibly mad love.

Once I felt that passion in my bones...
The man in me awoke. The wolf.
I grabbed her and forced her down like I wished she would to me all those times.

!@#$%^&

I came earlier than I wanted to and I sat in shame for a minute.
Alex knew what my look meant, and she told me that she had felt amazing regardless.
"So why worry?"

__________________________________________________ _________________
[7:00]


Alex eventually fell asleep.
We cuddled together and held each other close until then.

Then I was alone.
I moved to my computer.
I was compelled to listen to "Colorblind" by Counting Crows.
It was an anthem of my human and soul, specific to me.
It touched my hurt that I had accumulated as this specific human.
My awkward un-belonging. My prison of skin. My lack of color.
(Books, the only thing I had found solace in before... can only show you black and white.)

I cried my eyes out. I couldn't fight the sadness back.
It all poured out. I was terrified of how deep the feeling was.
I went to Alex and was about to shake her, when
"I'm fine." was sung.

I knew this was a sign from the Universe to let her sleep.
I was fine.

(The Universe or Lucy or whatever it was... sometimes sends me winks.
"Coffee black and eggwhite." is a line in that song."
My best friend's Dad just poured me black coffee and handed me an egg sandwich while I've been up all night typing this.)

It's truly a humbling thing to know that your entire life is a part to a play.
It's just a dance. It's put together very delicately, with lots of love and care.
But sometimes if you REALLY look closely, it's like a movie.
We all have a part to play. Dolls in a dollhouse.

__________________________________________________ _______________________________
[End?]

So that's my story so far. At the same time, it's all of our stories. We've all met Lucifer in one way or another. It lives inside of all us, whether we like it or not. It's all a matter of becoming aware of it.

I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. Just sending a message out in a bottle.
For most of you, you most likely will categorize me as delusional. That is fine.
This is just an oddly fascinating and fantastic story to you. But I have faith in the dreamers.
I know who I'm talking to. They know who they are. The right people will answer me.

It's all just simple math. What I'm talking about sounds magical... but it is very real.
Perhaps, one day it will be considered common knowledge. Accepted science.
But until then- we need explorers who are willing to chart this new frontier.

__________________________________________________ _______________
[Some of the other things Lucy told me through Alex...]

"You don't belong here. You feel it too, don't you?" I had always felt that.

"You're a very very VERRRY special, human, Austin. I don't think you realize how special you are." I knew this was truth, but it felt like a dirty truth. It felt wrong to say and obsess with. I know I'm meant for something big. But it's not all about me.

"You're INCREDIBLY beautiful." She stared at me sometimes... just as I had stared at the beautiful light.

"You've been waiting here, an anomaly in this world. Waiting for something alien to return you to your home."

[I also "realized" a few things by myself.]

I saw that most the people I called friends, were actually entities I knew outside of this human life.
A few of them I was "tied up to" or "chained to" with karmic debt.
My best friend is VERY pushy, and if I don't listen to what he says, I feel a backlash of negative energy.
I'm starting to realize that I actually am VERY far in debt to ALOT of people.

I also found that I was meant to go to a certain concert in California called Coachella in the middle of April.

I realized on my own that I'm destined to be a famous musician. That sounds horribly egotistical.
But you'll understand if you're ever in shoes like mine.


And lastly... I started the apocalypse. Maybe it was me individually, or me in the general sense of humans.
But when I came out of my trip, instantly I saw new signs of chaos.

This whole Korea business became frontline news. I've seen and heard ambulances every day here since.
People have been talking about the upcoming war in America. People have started making plans.
I think I might move to Seattle eventually. I have a feeling it might be safe for me.
Since me and Alex are both extremely drawn to this city.


__________________________________________________ ______________________________________
Please... if you're curious or have questions, please ask.
If you have something to add to my experience, I would certainly appreciate it!

It's a wonderful world out there, dreamers. Get out there and feel it for yourself!
For all you wisdom-seekers, may you find what you're looking for.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid false awakening

Something with werewolves.

Stuck in a reality made only of "me". The floor is me, the walls are me, space is me, there's me all over and nothing else exists besides me. Talk about being egocentric... But it was afflictive and claustrophobic! I shoot some rays from my hands to blast with this reality and to get out of it.

Something about inaugurating an exhibition with some friends, but to visit it, people have to walk a thin pathway high up in the air. It's not a big success, people get really scared up there.

Something about a contest. My friend ZIlla wins the 1st prize of 45.000 EUR and the 2nd and 3rd place are disputed between me and some guy but it's about grabbing as much stuff as we can get from a pile they put in front of us. Ok, the problem is that the stuff is exclusively pharmacy stuff, like creams and band-aids.

Invading some mansion with friends. Something to do with overthrowing a sinister government. But the house is protected by an intelligent system who recognizes faces, detects intruders and shoots lasers at us. One of the girls, who looks like Carrie-Ann Moss, is pierced by a laser in the chest. It is not a fatal wound, but leaves her close to death anyway. We retreat and try to carry her with us, but there are guards everywhere, so we have to hide her at some kind of wooden box in the garden with some bread to eat and we have to leave, promising to come back to rescue her.
Eventually, me and another guy are caught and jailed, but one day, at an infirmary at the 2nd floor, we manage to escape through the window. We are cuffed to each other, but we manage to run away into the city. Soon the entire city is under siege and we have to hide, so I leads us into some nearby friend house. Although it is a private It is more like a commune. It's always full of people, discussing politics, poetry soirées, etc. My friend lets us in very discretely without anybody seeing and takes us to the attic. At first we just planned to stay a few hours, but he discusses this with 1 or 2 trusted friends and they decide to hide us there for a couple of months, do us a make-over and organize our escape when things have calmed down outside.

Lucid-Non Lucid-Comments

I woke up and realised it was a false awakening.My head was in-cased in a giant transparent balloon. Hmmm... what is my subconscious trying to tell me? I thought to myself.

"you think I have a big ego"?. no answer.

I looked around the room and there was no route of exit. No windows, no doors.nothing. The first thing I did was to pop the balloon, then I visualised a room beyond the room I was in. So basically I imagined that the current room was inside another room, only that the second room had windows. So I then broke through my room to get to the second room and opened the windows to freedom.

When I opened the window I was in a place like this :

I'm on one of the houses. I take one step and to my left is a six eyed dog, to my right a herd of gold/yellow cattle that don't seem to be doing anything, just grouped together. The dog starts running towards me. Its now that I realise that its guarding the cattle, it thinks I'm a predator. Its getting closer. I start to wonder if my subconscious knows I'm lucid because if he does then flying or anything else wont save me, I don't recall doing any reality tests. Just as the dog is upon me I levitate into the air away from reach. The dog looks at the cattle then at me in a challenging sort of way.

"whats so special about those cows?". no answer.

Ok then....I fly soooo fast towards the cows that the dog is caught unaware. I land on top of one of the cows and it remains motionless, but I also realise that all of them are glowing. I look across and realise the dog has overcome its stupor. Its time to go. I stand up on-top of the cow and start spinning anti-clockwise. Even though I have never done this before, I try taking the cows with me as I teleport....but in the excitement I forget to picture a place...and I wake up in my bed, no cows,no glow,nothing. Dammit so close.

13 JAN 2011

Nearing the apparent conclusion of a lengthy and dramatic dream, I find myself running through narrow streets and building sites in an attempt to reach 'safety'. I recognise this as a fear-based situation and gradually become lucid. Scaffolding poles begin to fall around me, and I instinctively cover my head with my arm, even as I am beginning to sense that I cannot actually be harmed.

As I consider my options, I realise that the first thing I should do is simply step out of the narrative; an option available to anyone, at any time, whether dreaming or awake (for only then can other options be clearly considered). And, sure enough, the moment I stop running everything around me becomes totally quiet and serene - eerily so, in fact.

Looking into the distance, I see a huge metallic monolith blocking my way. Then I focus on what's immediately around me (rubble, a digger truck, wasteland) and feel this to be one of the most solid and 'realistic' dream environments I've ever experienced. So much so, in fact, that the prospect of flying or manipulating objects seems as unlikely as it does in waking reality. As an experiment, therefore, I resort to verbal commands (which have worked in the past).... "Take me up there," I demand, looking at the giant monolith. But nothing happens.

Of course, there was no compelling reason to go onwards, since I had stepped outside of the narrative. Indeed, there was nowhere to go at all, nor anything to achieve, in the absence of a linear context of some kind. [In the absence of the ego?] And this realisation filled me with a profound sense of bliss and freedom. As I contemplated the matter further, I felt that I was being given a valuable insight into the subtle nature of the prison (the egoic auto-pilot) which keeps most people enslaved. And it really is 'subtle', at the end of the day... Freedom itself being nothing more than a shift in one's perspective.

Notes

In light of the above dream, I would like to refine my description of OILD. Specifically, I would like to introduce the concept of a get out of jail free card (or 'option') which exists permanently in one's back pocket, so to speak, regardless of whether one is awake or asleep. In other words, it's not merely that one has other options to consider, in any given situation (context based), but that one [always] has the option to 'play the card' and transcend the context altogether. Indeed, this is the first option that one should utilise when 'triggered' to do so by obstacles, conflicts or fear-based situations, etc.

Needless to say, it's not as easy as it sounds, because emotions, fear and ego tend to prevail. This is because we are totally identified with the 'narrative' of own waking lives and the resulting sense of identity. I suppose what I'm ultimately referring to here is detachment, clarity of mind, and the dissolution of the apparent self (if only temporarily)... Which is, of course, the goal of many spiritual traditions, which also happen to see "lucid dreaming" as an indication of one's progress.

"Use your perceived enemy to destroy your real enemy."

OILD - Because there's ALWAYS another option!

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID FALSE AWAKENING PRECOG

21:30 GMT+9 – sleep

My biggest fear
On some strange shop (like some Japanese shops I’ve been at) with really attractive cakes and sweets, but I couldn’t really tell if that’s what they were. Then a guy on the shop is taken down a corridor and told there’s a test to him. Behind a big door at the end of the corridor is the scariest thing that has ever haunted his dreams. In his case he says he used to play a game with his friends in which they’d hide and seek and the one seeking the others would incarnate a scary character they’d call the fog-man, a mythical creature that would take away the soul of the one found by him – and then this kid would replace the fog-man in his role. The man said he used to have nightmares with the real fog-man taking his soul. Then the people overseeing this test told this man that whatever he’d find behind that door would be his own mind’s creations and therefore if he was certain of that, they wouldn’t possibly harm him, but if he failed to recognise that... The door opened and out of it came a dense thick fog. He entered and the door was closed.
I also wanted to play. I opened the door and there was still fog but no signs of the man. The fog disappeared. I tried to think about what is that scares me the most and had this vague feeling of something unknown and scary coming out of the darkness and attacking me but before it would materialise I decided I was in the control of my mind and therefore no fear would take over. Then all the fog and light darkness dissipated and I found myself in an empty room with a mirror and a door. I positioned myself in front of the mirror, saw my reflexion. I was dressed in white and yellow and although I looked a bit strange it was still my normal look, no monstrous face or anything of the kind. I’m semi-lucid and I dance a little bit both to increase lucidity and test my image on the mirror. I manage to prolong lucidity but it is still weak in terms of control. Not sure about what to do I decide to summon all of the people I know through the door. Soon I start seeing people from my past, present acquaintances, family, “enemies”. I can’t tell if everyone is there, it would be impossible, but soon they start interacting with me.
I lose lucidity. I am with my aunt India and my friend Zilla. Zilla decides to call my old friend Mara, whom I don’t see since her wedding. Her brother answers the phone. Zilla doesn’t say a word and he gets upset. He hads the phone over to Mara in the hope the person will talk to her. She asks “who’s there?” and I can see both people on each side of the line now. I tell Zilla this is a stupid game and I don’t see the point of it. Mara then thinks she knows who can be and gets very worried. She says “don’t worry, I will come for you. I’ll help you.” Obviously she thought someone in distress was needing her help. I tell Zilla to please stop it and just say something on the phone!
Then I am engulfed by a lot more people I know and there’s this lady, who’s my opponent in my work and hates my guts, among them. When I see her I remember we were both at a same party some past time and we talked to each other when we were so drunk already and our hate transformed into attraction and we had kissed. I was wondering how could we still be mad at each other after that. We had been stripped down from our divergences and connected as human beings, but here we were still as enemies.
Then I’m outside in some big city with skyscrapers and neon lights. I enter a van and someone else is by my side. Zilla is on front seat by the side of the driver. She hands me over a synthesizer she bought but I already have other things on my lap I also bought and she feels angry with my refusal to take up more stuff.
Then on some kind of mall I see a lady doctor famous in my country who is giving an interview about birth and how women should embrace hospital methods instead of this trend of natural child birth at home, cause so much can go wrong and they need medication and blah-blah. I go to her and make a phenomenal speech to counterbalance – not radical, but very well balanced I refute her ideas that seem to approach giving birth as being seriously ill. Then my friend Zilla and others come with a more radical attitude and start making hate speech and mess up everything. I later ask why they did it and they said I sounded to compromising. I told them I had simply used skilful means to pass the message across without conflict. By then I have a group of followers and admirers but among this group there are a few who don’t understand my way of doing things and always create a fuss. I’m on some high room with view over some kind of inner court. People are down there celebrating the result of some football (soccer) game and I comment loudly about the frivolity of such celebration. They get upset. They accuse me of being peaceful and moderate to the outside but quite radical inside and that the radical activists that are around me just reinforce that I am a secret extremist. As I seek to be alone to digest such accusations, these two radical friends of mine follow me and I scream at them to leave me alone, that it is their fault people think such things of me. Walking down a street I encounter another guy that went to school with me. We talk and I conclude the big issue here to be solved is if I am becoming what my father said I would become or the opposite of that. Am I an extremist under disguise or am I really becoming moderate and if so, am I moderate in the sense my father preached (which resembled too much with conformity) or am I moderate due to wisdom and maturity? As I wander through these philosophical matters, I conclude, after all this dream sequence, that my biggest fear of all, is to become like my father or the person my father wants me to be.

03:00 GMT+9

Cat stapled
My cat is showing some discomfort. I cuddle him and find a staple on his belly. I take it off gently. My mom is upset and worried and I search for more. I find lots of staples on his skin. We don’t know how this happened and feel sorry for the poor fellow.

Friends and relationships
I’m in the middle of a crowd who’s watching a movie on an open air cinema. I am by the side of two old girl friends from school and all is fine until it starts raining. At first it’s ok, but my friends start complaining it’s raining too much and open an umbrella. Then not even that is enough and they want to leave. But I’m just fine. The rain is not really wetting me and I say it is just dream rain. Still they leave and I decide to go along. Didn’t go lucid.
Then sitting around a wooden rectangular table with my friends. One is Mara and she says her husband calls her names and I assume he is also violent with her. She asks for advice and I say she needs to get away from him, but she doesn’t want to. Then he also joins the table and I change subject but she says we can go on, that she doesn’t want to make it a secret. My other friend present doesn’t understand this, thinks he’ll get mad and beat her up later but I say maybe she wants to confront him but can’t do it alone, so we should help. He says he likes her, but she didn’t reveal to be the woman of his dreams and so he gets angry sometimes out of frustration. I ask him why doesn’t he simply leave her and go look for that dream woman? I say if my dream guy was Brad Pitt, I would go after him, no matter what and not beat some other guy for not being Brad Pitt. He feels embarrassed by seeing the ridiculous and we laugh together.
Then my boyfriend comes up and he insists on having sex immediately. I don’t think it is appropriate and also I feel like he wants to force me like a punishment for something. He drags me to some room and rips my clothes off but I get really upset with his attitude and I escape from him. Outside I meet this guy who I had a crush for in highschool. I am happy to see him and I follow him. He is climbing some steps to go inside a house. I go to. It’s like an antique shop but with rooms. I lie down on some sofa, my friend who was with me on the wooden table before is here now again and notices my interest in this guy. She says I should go for it right now but I feel bad, I just said no to my boyfriend. Then the guy comes to me and ask if I have some deodorant. I find that question completely dislocated but my friend says he is really into me and wants to be fragrant for me. I feel yuc!

06:00 GMT+9 – wake up

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID FALSE AWAKENING PRECOG

0:55 GMT – Sleep

“Gay” friends
I’m with mom, coming out from her home, down the ramp to the main road. Once again I hope not to cross with this neighbour I had a crush for many years ago. Me and mom then drive to some city that looks like Brussels but a lot more colourful. We are looking for a place to eat but we have difficulty passing with the car to the area we want to go (because of traffic limitations) and then we spend a lot of time looking for parking. We just decide to go back home and cook something, because we’re already running out of time to go somewhere.
Later on I’m visiting this 2 friends. They are metrosexual guys in their 30’s who live together and everybody thinks are gay. I know they aren’t but they don’t seem to convince anyone else. One of them is on the phone with an old aunt and she is asking him if he still lives with his friend – hopeful that he might be finally living a straight life with a girl friend. He gets the innuendo in her voice and he replies a bit abruptly that yes he is living with his friend but they are not “living” together. He says he is tired of trying to explain but he no longer cares what they think but I don’t believe him. I sense he is still upset.

Friend from Iceland
With a group of friends in some kind of waiting room. One girl in the group who has family in Iceland was supposed to be going there but I hear on the news that there was another volcanic eruption and her village is in flames and many people are dead. She actually laughs at me when I go back to the room and tell her, but I tell her I’m not joking. She then gets upset and the others are comforting her..
Later I go down the corridor of this place (looks like an airport waiting room) and I enter a staff only area. I pass by some offices and I am aware I’ll be asked what I am doing there if someone sees me. So, logically I decide to sit on a sofa at the entrance of one of the far end offices, just on top of some stairs going down. There’s someone inside the office and I am nervous but decide to stay there. I see a table with magazines and maps and pick up something. Then some lady comes up the stairs and asks me if I such and such person who has an appointment now. She is psychologist. Apparently I wanted to pretend I was such person but I fail to keep the lie and she starts suspecting. I just look at what I have in my hand and it is a map of Ghent (in Belgium). I recognize the streets and the main area around the bigger canal and I decide to jump off this dream and land there.

British royalty
I enter the map and land in front of the canal. I feel amused, I’m slightly aware that I am dreaming and decide to jump on the water with a huge splash. I have some fun and then realise there’s some sort of gathering or parade on the city. The British royalty is present and I see Prince Charles on a carriage parading in front of people. But the most interesting is that I spot the Queen and the Queen-mother under disguise following him on foot through the middle of the public. I wonder why nobody else noticed that already and I also wonder what they are up to. Then the Queen-mother feels sick. In the middle of the crowd no one seems to notice, but Prince Charles knows and jumps off the carriage and goes pick her up. The public is still not aware of what’s going on but a bunch of body-guards come from all over the place to surround them. The prince takes his granny up on his arms to a van nearby and they run fast to avoid people starting grabbing and pushing when they realise who is walking among them.

5:30 GMT

Sleeping over and sharing room
I’m sleeping over at some guy’s house with a 2nd guy. The house owner is an older guy, foreign, tall with grey hair and the second guy is Manuel, shorter, with glasses and round face, whom I know – he is a politician.
For some reason I don’t grasp we’re sharing the same room and the 2 guys are on the same bed and left space for me to join them – nothing sexual intended, just sleeping. But still I feel extremely uncomfortable and just sit on the floor writing on my paper DJ. I turn my face to sneeze and I expel really disgusting green and brown goo that dirties the wall. Manuel woke up and sees it and feels disgusted, but his reaction is to pretend he is still sleeping and didn’t see anything. I try to clean it up with Kleenexes but it’s not working. Then the older guy wakes up and helps me out. He goes get a wet tissue and I am able to clean the mess. But either he is upset that I woke him up or also feeling disgusted, he goes to the living room and watches TV. It’s around 5 am and I tell him he should go back asleep but he doesn’t even reply. I realise we are talking in English but the guy speaks Portuguese and the other is also Portuguese, so I say “sorry for speaking in English but it just comes natural for me and the guy smiles and says it’s the same for him.”

7:00 GMT

Hot air balloon
With a group of youngsters, I look at the sky and see some strange clouds, in the shape of medusas. We think it’s a UFO and then one lands on the ground nearby and from inside it comes a second bunch of youngsters. They are totally excited, they come to us and say they’ve just had a ride on an hot air balloon and that we must go to.
The group I’m with gets totally convinced and decides to go. A tram arrives to take them to the balloon. They ask me if I wanna join. I first say no, that the experience of being up on the air is not new to me and I don’t see much the point. But they insist and I finally agree. I also enter the tram. As I enter the tram, the driver, an old gentleman with white moustache smiles at me and tells me the ticket costs 6 EUR. I sit by the side of a little girl who is more scared than excited and I tell her it will be ok. We arrive at the top of a hill but the balloon is on the ground, not yet filled with hot air and we feel disappointed.

Medical centre in home town
I’m inside a village medical centre. I’m near the desk, I think waiting for my turn. My mom is also there and we make shifts on the queue. She is telling everybody I have an appointment with Dr. Fernando Nobre – he is a doctor but I don’t think he practices anymore, he is the director of an international NGO and is currently running for the presidency, so I don’t really understand why I supposedly have an appointment with him. My attention is attracted to this lady on the desk, she is in her 60’s and she is speaking Russian and German to the patients who come talk to her. I feel impressed, because from my experience these ladies on the medical centre’s desk are usually quite ignorant and impolite. I see on the desk a basket of apples for people to take. I take one and I am surprised to find it is organic. I also see these posters on the wall announcing some organic fair or convention. Are they finally teaching people about real healthy options in life? I feel so surprised. As I wonder about these things I turn to my left and meet this hippie-ish couple. I think she is pregnant and we start talking about these “organic developments”. I then go outside to get some fresh air and I pass by all these people from my home town – girls from my school now with kids, fat and totally dull. I don’t want to judge people but they are totally judging me. They look at me from head to toes, with disapproving yet jealous looks. I then see my reflection on the glass wall – I am almost in my warrior me: short dark hair, dressed in black and red, so totally different from them, like worlds apart. I think how I cherish my adventurous life and couldn’t settle with a desk job 9 to 5 and marrying and having kids and living back in home town. I feel grateful but I am also aware this is ego cherishing and I should not feed it.

8:20 GMT – Wake up

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID FALSE AWAKENING

0:15 GMT – sleep

Nothing...

4:45 GMT

Tango and vampire attack
I’m on a dance classroom. People are learning tango. Teacher evaluates us and I suck. I leave the floor and decide to go to a window check the outside. I am wearing a black cape and then I see a bunch of vampires about to enter and attack everybody.
I remember clearly one vampire sucking the blood from one girl who is actually delighted. The vampire sensed her joy and stops to ask her why is she happy. She doesn’t say but I guess she is happy with the prospective of also becoming a vampire. They take her away, don’t know if to make her wish come true, but all the others are killed. I realise then I’m one of them, because they don’t do me nothing. Still, I don’t kill, I’m a benign vampire and in fact feel bad about this killing.

5:40 GMT

Ego burst and reconciliation
I’m walking with mom and my friend Christof by my side. We cross a train station platform and I see this bunch of card boxes full of stuff someone abandoned there. I guess for others to take whatever they wish. I start taking a look at it but mom discourages me, thinks it’s not suitable for me to do it, that’s for poor people. How stupid, I love getting used stuff from others. I find a nice vase and a minipimer. She is now really pulling me away from it but I insist in seeing the rest. Then I find boxes full of my childhood stuff. I feel totally upset – these are things that only my mother could have taken here. But when I want to confront her, she is gone somewhere and my friend says we should go meet her now. But I feel totally angry and can’t really face her right now, so I just leave to the opposite direction. But first pick up some of my stuff, put it on a bag and hand it over to my friend.
I then pass by this people from my village (that’s when I realise all this is taking place there) and they are talking about me on my back. I hear them commenting how I work abroad and so on, like if it’s a big deal for small town folks. But then I hear a sarcastic comment saying “Yeah, but I heard she doesn’t make much money.” What??? I’m totally pissed – what do these people have to do with my life anyway? I scream to them that I make loads of money, travel a lot for free around the world and have an amazing life. Then (WTF) I scream that I am also planning to join the army or the navy (whatever).
I keep walking way but this anger and hurt ego do not last for long and soon I worry that my mother will freak out not knowing where I went and my foreign friend also. Can’t make them feel sick of worries, so I just go back. I find my friend on the door of this shop where my mom was, trying to get me on the phone, totally despaired that his cell phone is almost battery dead and that my mom doesn’t speak english. He hugs me, relieved. My mom is inside. We don’t talk, as she is still mumbling about all that stuff being just garbage that I’m attached to, but I’m already totally cool about it. Already let go of the possessions she gave away. People matter more than objects.
Then Christof tells me the shop keeper (a cute lady) has been totally nice to him, asking his name, where he comes from and so on. But I tell him that’s not the normal way they deal with costumers and that she was totally flirting with him.

6:55 GMT – wake up