From 4/22/11 While listening to 60 minutes delta binaural audio Body kept jerking, releasing energy and/or resisting releasing Discomfort, feel sick (am getting sick, a cold I think…yep, I can confirm this days later) The pads of my feet hurt Want to turn my head and sleep Visuals coming and going Then I do FFEDCIDA practice (Face, Feel, Expand, Dissipate, Coalesce, Integrate, Decide, Take Action) (I want to add "simultaneous opposites combining"; it feels like it belongs around expanding, dissipating, and/or coalescing) Muddy orange color In large geometric pattern in my stomach Like a cube but more complex, diagonal layer Unfolding, shifting, almost clunking but that’s not the right word Thought of being sick as a baby, when I was so sick it scared my mom Out of control, discomfort, nothing to do, angry at being controlled Angry and helpless and fucking pissed Anger dissipating – fast, whirlwinds out Into nothing, blackness? It feels like the blackness is almost closing in on it, eating it Fear…of that blackness, I’m somewhat ashamed to admit Opulent white swirling energy I used to use when I did massage and subtle energy work to surround myself reaches up and twines with the orange It feels right Twining, like oil and water, such different energies. The orange static, the white multidimensionally hued, shifting around, how will they come together? I watch. What is that white energy? Gratitude, it seems. Deep gratitude like in the last lucid dream. It is coming together This lasts a while The energy straightens into brown, tree-like texture Logs almost But hollow One settles across the back of my body at my shoulders, holding them strong Two more down my torso’s sides Strength Body feels healthier Whole body jerks, back arches One has settled in my spine, up my neck? Feeling grounded After getting up, I recalled that when I had used that white swirly energy as a protection when I did massage and energy work, I also put a shell up around it that looked like the texture and color of those logs. I think I got some backbone back. Apparently anger and gratitude can be a powerful mixture. Mixture isn’t quite the right word, it is as if they partially combust and transform when mixed to make something new. I’d say alchemy but that just sounds too hooey. not that this whole thing wouldn't to most people.