Recent DJ Posts

2019, 09-27

Dark Tower: Parting of the Ways

Regular Dream - Video Game / Semi-lucid - Lucid Dream - Notes

It is night, I am standing near a campfire with Roland, Susanna, Eddie, and Jake from the Dark Tower books. Eddie and Jake are transparent. Susanna is holding Eddie’s hand and Roland is holding Jake’s. There is a young man there I don’t know. He is drawing on a pad of paper. He shows his drawing, which is a work of art. The drawing is of Eddie and Jake. As if by seeing the drawing Eddie and Jake become solid. Susanna and Roland reluctantly let go of Eddie and Jake. As they let go Eddie and Jake start fading again. I look at the drawing and I see that is also fading… but why? Roland says it’s because they’re not really supposed to be here, that’s why. Susanna grabs Eddie, Roland grabs Jake, and they stop fading. But they don’t become solid again…

I ask what is going on with Eddie and Jake. Roland says ka is trying to reassert itself. If Jake and Eddie don’t go to the world they belong in soon they might completely fade. So far they have only been able to remain in this world because of their connections. I realize that is why Susanna is holding on to Eddie and Roland to Jake, to try to anchor them in this world. Roland says there really is only one answer, Eddie and Jake have to go to the world they were meant to be in. And Patrick (indicating the man with the drawing) is the only one who can make it happen. Susanna goes over and whispers to Patrick for a bit, then Patrick starts drawing.

I hear something out in the darkness, it sounds like something is creeping about out there. I feel a sensation of being watched. Roland sees me and says Mordrid is out there, and Mordrid’s a-hungry. I say no, it can’t be Mordrid, MoSh killed Mordrid. I am sure of that. Roland says something is lurking out there. I stare out into the darkness, trying to see what’s out there. I see something is reflecting the firelight. I slip into the darkness, ignoring Roland saying I shouldn’t. I use my night vision and I find the thing. It looks like a cross between a giant beetle the size of a large dog and a praying mantis. It attacks me, but I form my right arm into an Alex Mercer blade and slice it in two. The thing melts into a strange black fluid that flows off into the darkness.

I return to the camp and now there is a door standing near the edge of the campsite. Susanna is looking at the door, still holding Eddie’s hand. She opens it and lets go of Eddie. When Eddie and Jake get near the door they are solid, but they start fading when they move away. Eddie says that must be the place. He is reluctant to leave because he wants to reach the Dark Tower, but he knows if he stays here he won’t make it anyhow. He and Jake will fade. After some debate it is decided that Susanna will go through the door with Eddie and Jake. Roland seems worried that the door is a trap that leads to toedash space. I say if it does I will get them out. I think Roland just doesn’t want them to leave. Susanna, Eddie, and Jake go through the door. After a brief hesitation Oy follows Jake. Patrick stays behind even though Susanna tries to get him to follow.

The door closes with a resounding thud. Now there is only Roland, Patrick, and me at the campsite. Roland looks depressed. Patrick curls up and appears to go to sleep. Roland sits by the fire and stares into it. He says maybe I should have gone, too. I say it would make no difference, I will wake up back in my prison dimension where I have no skills, no talents, and no abilities. Roland says he doesn’t believe that. I say yes, I always end up there. He said no, he meant he doesn’t believe I have no skills, talents, or abilities there. I don’t answer. He looks more depressed so I put my arm around him and give him a hug. I say I’ll probably wake soon, but I will be back, I am sure of that. I want to see the tower… if the roses around the Dark Tower have the healing properties of the one in the vacant lot then maybe it can even overpower my depression. Maybe both Roland and I can be free. I wake up here.

2019, 09-26

The Dark Tower: The Laughter Vampire

Regular Dream - Video Game / Semi-lucid - Lucid Dream - Notes

I am in a strange place. It is snowy all around, but I don’t feel the cold. I draw the conclusion that I am playing Skyrim VR since I can see the snow and feel a breeze but I’m not cold. It is getting dark out and the snow is starting to fall. I see a plowed street and a small house with smoke coming from the chimney. I head in that direction. I hear roars of laughter from inside. I look in the window and I see Roland, Eddie, Susanna, and Jake all laughing their asses off. There is also another man there that I don’t recognize. Something about him looks fake, though… like he was an illusion. This feels off, so I try the door. It is unlocked so I let myself in, hoping to not be seen as too rude… after all, no one would hear me knock over the laughter and for any normal person it would be bitterly cold out.

When I get inside and close the door behind me I see that none of the people laughing have even noticed me enter. The man I don’t recognize sees me and makes a lame-ass joke about my arrival. I don’t remember the joke, just that I found it about as funny as vomiting. I am the only one who finds it unfunny, though, as everyone else in the room roars with renewed gales of laughter. Susanna slaps her own face while laughing and a sore at the corner of her mouth starts bleeding profusely. This puts an immediate damper on Eddie’s laughter, and as the others look over they also stop laughing. The man telling the bad jokes, they call him Joe, looks annoyed. How dare Susanna interrupt his jokes with her bleeding!

Susanna gets up and excuses herself. Eddie wants to go with her, but she insists she’s fine and just wants to clean up in the bathroom. Eddie nervously watches Susanna as she goes. He mutters something to Roland about that sore not being a pimple, and he and Susanna should stop bullshitting a bullshitter. Joe tells a joke about bullshit. Eddie gets mad at Joe, saying his wife is bleeding, this is no time for jokes. Joe makes a joke out of that, too. Eddie laughs in spite of himself, Roland laughs, and Jake is on the floor laughing. I still find nothing funny. I think I will go check on Susanna, but then Jake looks like he’s choking so I go to him and try to get him to stop laughing. Joe tells another bad joke, making the laughter worse. I tell Joe if he wants to see something funny, watch this… and I fus him in the face. FUS-RO-DAH! Joe flies across the room into the far wall, falling to the floor in a mess of objects caught in the fus.

I am trying to help Jake and Joe makes a joke out of my fus’ing him. This especially gets Roland laughing and now Roland looks like he’s choking. Joe is clearly an energy vampire and he’s stealing energy from their uncontrolled laughter! I am about to do something a bit more permanent than a fus when Susanna comes back from the bathroom. She has her Witchblade formed into a sword which she uses to remove Joe’s head. The headless body doesn’t die. It stays on its feet and starts transforming onto something that looks more insectile than human. The strange thing blunders around for a bit before collapsing into the fireplace and catching fire and finally dying.

Susanna and Eddie embrace but then I notice Eddie is semi-transparent. What is happening? Jake is also semi-transparent. I do a double-take. I ask what is going on. Susanna holds on more tightly to Eddie and Roland embraces Jake as if they can physically keep them from fading. And maybe it works, as they become solid again. Roland tells me that ever since Thunderclap both Eddie and Jake have been fading in and out of existence. He says he thinks ka doesn’t like being foiled like I did. He says I saved them both, but now ka is trying to set things back to the way they were meant to be, and that means no Eddie and no Jake. Susanna says she has been having dreams that indicate there is a world where they are supposed to be right now, and they will be taken there one way or another. I wonder how to counter this unexpected effect when I wake.

2019, 09-20

Regular Dream - Video Game / Semi-lucid - Lucid Dream - Notes

Dark Tower: Saving Jake

I am standing outside a convenience store and gas station. It is a nice day. I hear a gunshot from the store and look that way. Shortly after the sound I see a familiar looking man and boy come out with a middle aged woman I don’t recognize. The man is Roland and the kid is Jake, from the Dark Tower books. The three of them head towards an old pickup truck and pile in the front. I have to follow, so I run after them as the woman tries to drive. It sounds like she is torturing a Tasmanian devil under the hood, then she finally gets it in gear and we pull onto the road. I jump into the bed of the truck as it is pulling away. We barely avoid an accident with an idiot in a blue van.

The woman drives like a maniac, but still better than the idiot in the blue van had been. She drives like she’s late for an appointment she wants to reach, that van had been driving like they didn’t care about getting anywhere in one piece. We drive down a steep driveway and then Jake and Roland are talking to a gardener about Steven King. They finally notice me. I tell Roland I am just there to help out if needed. I usually find myself where I need to be, but I don’t know what I am here to do yet. After a brief talk the woman tortures the transmission of the truck some more and finally rockets the truck back up the steep driveway.

I stay in the bed of the truck as we speed down the road. We make a sudden turn and speed down another road. I do not recognize the location, but it is beautiful. It would be a good place to live. There is a knock on the window to the truck cab and the woman motions to me to brace myself. I do, and the truck skids to a stop almost quickly enough to throw me over the cab and onto the road. I see a man walking along the side of the road and the same blue van from earlier driving on the shoulder, straight towards him! I see the driver is paying absolutely no attention to the road, he has turned around in his seat to discipline two dogs in his back seat. What a moron! And it’s about to cost the man walking on the shoulder his life!

The next few things happen really fast, there’s no time for second guessing. The passenger door of the pickup opens and Roland falls out onto the road, grasping his hip. Then Jake jumps over Roland and runs to the man walking in a flash, positioning himself between the man and the oncoming van. No! Jake will not die here! So then I jump over the cab of the truck, landing between Jake and the van and without even stopping to think about it I open up with a FUS-RO-DAH at the van. The wave of force deflects the van away from the boy and the man and into a tree on the opposite side of the street with a squeal of tires and a crash.

Now that there is time to look around I realize I have seen the man walking on the side of the road before. Stephen King? The author? Roland gets up and rushes over to Jake. I look over at the crashed van and I see the driver is moving. He probably hit his head, but he clearly doesn’t use that much anyhow. Stephen King recognizes Roland right away and also Jake, but seems confused as to who I am. And what was that thing I just did to stop the van? I say I am just a different kind of walk-in, and what I did comes from a video game that won’t be released until 2011. Then I asked if this was sure 1999. Everyone agreed that it is. I wonder if I am somehow in the past of my own world, if I am then I need to open a bank account with some money to save interest until 2019… but even if it would work I don’t get a chance to try before I wake up.

2019, 08-13

Regular Dream - Semi-lucid Dream - Lucid Dream - Notes

The Dark Tower: Ulfric Dreaming

I am playing Skyrim VR, I have a Dark Tower mod. I am standing on a dirt road outside of Calla Bryn Sturges. Jake and three other kids leave before I get a chance to approach them. They are creating a false trail for the wolves to follow. I approach Roland, Eddie, and Susanna. I see Susanna is using a Witchblade for legs. Roland says he’s glad I could make it. He asks who my friend is. My first thought is that MoSh is here, but when I turn around I see Ulfric Stormcloak. That was silly for me to think… how would MoSh get in my modded Skyrim VR game? But Ulfric is not supposed to show up in this mod! I am now thinking I’ll be unable to use this mod because it’s broken, including characters that don’t belong here. Well I’ll give it a try anyhow.

Roland says there’s no time for introductions, they’re coming. He points towards the horizon where there is a cloud of dust indicating the approach of the wolves. Ulfric wants to know what that is. I tell him they’re evil robots… think Dwemer constructs… who are coming to kidnap the children of Calla Bryn Sturges and use them to try to destroy the tower that holds space-time together… it’s the same ultimate goal that the Thalmor have in wanting to break the tower on top of the Throat of the World. That must be another aspect of the Dark Tower, just like the rose in New York is…

I see Susanna, Eddie, and the others have gotten into a trench to ambush the wolves. Roland is watching for Jake and the other kids. Something is wrong. I tell Roland I’ll check on them. Ulfric is just looking at me, probably when trying to explain things I said both too much and not enough, just enough to sound confusing and more than a bit nuts. I quickly say those enemies are attacking a peaceful town and I’m helping defend that town, so he can either help or just get out of the way. I head in the direction Jake and the three other children went. After a brief pause I hear Ulfric coming behind me.

I get a short way down the road when I see the four kids. One of them has stepped in a hole and they can’t get him out! I go over to them and try to help. But then the wolves are on us! It’s too soon! The cloaked robots are coming on their robot horses, and they have seen all of us standing out in the open on the road. I tell the kids to keep trying to get the boy free, I have to deal with the wolves. As several are heading straight for us, they are wielding something that looks like light sabers, I fus them. FUS-RO-DAH! The horses don’t go down, but it is effective in blasting the riders off.

Now the fight starts. There is a lot of gunfire. I think if Ulfric is helping I should tell him to target the dish on the top of their heads, but his axe is charged with electricity so I figure that should short the things out as if they were struck by lightning. Speaking of lightning… I use a lightning spell to strike some of the wolves with bolts of lightning. Their “thinking caps” are like lightning rods! The lightning is also drawn directly to the sneetches. Three of the kids have gotten to safety, Jake is still out and firing at enemies. I hear the whistle of the plates as they’re thrown and I see a couple cut through the top of the hoods of the enemies, severing the “thinking cap” right off. I hear a fus from off to my right.

It doesn’t take long before all of the wolves are nothing more than scrap metal… with no losses on our side! My lightning struck down the sneetch that had been about to explode Jake’s friend Benny and the wolf that had been about to cut the woman’s head off found itself getting fus’d by Ulfric and then shot by Roland. I see Ulfric is still here. It looks like he is about to say something but then he fades from existence right before my eyes. Roland sees it, too. Roland asks if that’s normal? I say not really, but I think I’m about to do it as well. Then I wake up.

2018, 04-02

The Dark Tower – Jake’s Drawing

I am in a forest. I am with a couple of other people. I am Arya. I am with two boys, although they look to be a bit older than I think I am. One of them I know as Gendry, the other one goes by unlikely name of Hot Pie. We are traveling through a forest, it is daytime out but underneath all of the trees it is somewhat dark. We seem to be having a disagreement about where we should be going. We finally decide to check on the road and see which way it is going. We have been avoiding the road to try to avoid trouble. We aren’t sure if someone might be after us. As we get closer to the road, we hear the sound of horses on it. We do not want to be seen. I look around and I see what looks like an abandoned house. That should be a good place to hide out. I tell the others that, but they don’t seem to believe me. Hot Pie seems to think he would be better off up a tree. Gendry looks up and decides that isn’t a good plan, so he finally decides to follow me to the house.

Gendry and I sneak in through a broken door on the back. Gendry wants to know what we should do if the people on the road spot Hot Pie. I am not sure how to respond to that. I tell Gendry that maybe we can find some food left in the house. Gendry goes into what looks like it used to be a kitchen and starts looking through cabinets. I go through a different door and find what looks like once was a living room. I feel something land of my head. I reach up to get it off, and I discovered that it is a mutant tarantula that is about the size of a softball. I don’t get easily freaked out by spiders, but this one seems especially gross. I threw it to the ground in repulsion. I look around and see more of the spiders crawling along the floor and on the ceiling. I turn around and go back the way I came. I don’t know if those spiders might be venomous, so I don’t want to get bit. I go back into the kitchen where Gendry went.

I have found the kitchen again, but Gendry is nowhere to be seen. I wonder where he could’ve gone? I look around the kitchen and then I go into the next room to see if Gendry continued exploring. I enter and I find a boy, but it is not Gendry. It is a young boy, he looks younger than Gendry. The boy stops short when he sees, and he asks who I am? I am not sure how to answer that. The boy says he hadn’t expected to find anyone else here. When I don’t respond, he says his name is Jake. I blurt out, are you there Jake looking for Roland of Gilead? He says yes, how did I know that? I look at my reflection in a dirty glass case. I am definitely still Arya. I tell Jake that I don’t think I’m really supposed to be here, but I will help if I can. I tell him my name is Arya since I figure he won’t know that name anyhow. We continue looking through the house. Jake is looking for a locked door which he has a key.

A man enters from another room. He looks familiar, I realize that it is MoSh. He says we don’t want to go into the room he just left, it’s full of venomous snakes. Jake seems quite surprised at the situation, he hadn’t expected to find anyone here and it’s turning into a crowd. We continue down the hall and go through a door at the end of it. That door leads into a very large room. Just this room is larger than the abandoned house I walked into as Arya. It looks like it might be a ball room. There is a somewhat creepy wallpaper on all the walls of elves dancing. They may have been intended to be cute, but they’re really more disturbing. We cross the room to a pair of double doors on the other side. These doors lead to another hallway. At the end of the hall is a door with a bright shiny lock panel on it. Jake is certain that is the door he has the key for.

As we enter the hallway, there is a loud noise behind us. We all turn around in time to see some kind of monster emerging from the wall. The wall itself seems to of come to life and it is now met a more for sizing into a strange creature. That’s strange creature looks a bit like an evil clown. There is an elf still on its forehead that seems to be actually dancing now. MoSh tells Jake to focus on getting through that door, we can keep the monster back. I wonder if he knows who I am? Apparently he seems to. The monster is now itself across the room on one huge malformed arm. MoSh has a pair guns look like Roland’s from the Dark Tower. I check my possessions and find out I have a sword. I hear Jake drop a curse and turned to look. Jake is now on the floor peering through a crack. I am about to ask what happened, but MoSh and I get distracted right away. The monster is throwing things at us. It is throwing debris in our direction. MoShs guns are firing small explosive rounds. Those are able to knock the flying junk right out of the air.

A second arm is coming out of the floor right next to me. I turn the sword on it and all of the fingers off. I hazard to look back and I see that Jake talking on one of the boards in the floor then he suddenly stops and switches to the one next to it that Bork comes up easily. Jay reaches through and grabs. Apparently he dropped it. Now that he has the key again, Jake is down the hall and shoves the key into the lock on the door. The door swings open, and on the other side of the door there is only solid ground. MoSh tells me to look out, and I realized I cut hand has reformed and is reaching for me again. I use my sword and once again off all the fingers. I think that is pissing the thing off. I glance back down the hall and I see that the door is open now. Roland is coming through, though he briefly pauses when he sees MoSh and me. He motions to us to come and stay low. Both MoSh and I head down the hall, ducking low. Roland says to let it go now, and it looks like he throws something big and invisible down the hall. I feel the wind it passing over my head and it crashes directly into the monster coming into the hall behind us. Roland helps Jake climb through / up out of the door, then he looks at me but I just levitate through the door. MoSh is close behind me.

Once we are all out the door slams shut behind us. The door was in the ground, which explains the confusion of direction as I came through. One minute I was floating forward and then I was hovering over the ground at a weird angle… It is also raining quite hard and the entire area is covered in mud. I see there is a circle of stones standing around us that looks like a smaller version of Stonehenge. The door we just came through dissolves into a drawing in the mud which washes out in the rain. But Jake has been brought through safely. Roland looks at MoSh and then at me. He says he hadn’t been expecting Jake to have a friend there… I am thinking of telling him who I am but before I can I see everything getting weird, like a scene in Assassin’s Creed. The scene falls apart and then reforms into the house I had been in with Gendry. Gendry comes through a door and asks where I disappeared to. I tell him I was looking through the house. Gendry says the horse riders have passed by and not noticed any of us, even that idiot Hot Pie perched in his tree. I follow Gendry back outside and then I wake up.

2017, 11-20

The Dark Tower – The Final Drawing

I am in a grassy area with a couple of other people I recognize. Roland Deschain, Eddie Dean, and Susanna Dean are all there. They seem surprised as if I have just appeared out of nowhere. I in a Dark Tower dream. I wonder if MoSh is around somewhere. I don’t see him. We are following a very old road. I see Susanna has learned to use her Witchblade legs well. She is walking with confidence. Eddie is walking beside her holding her arm, but it is not to help her keep balance. It’s because they are in love. We keep going and come to a grassy hill. There are stones standing around it. Roland says this is a speaking circle. He says there will be a demon there and it will be either male or female. He says if it is a female, he will have to keep it distracted while Eddie does what he has to do. He says if it’s male, then Detta Walker would be better suited to it… or me. He says he doesn’t know whether I would be able to deal with a demon or not. I tell him I can kick the demon’s ass. He says it’s not that simple. He says the demons only weakness is sex. He says that is both its strength and it weakness. I tell him that if the demon is a male I’ll rip his dick off and shove it so far up his ass that he’ll be giving himself a blowjob. Roland seems to think I’m not quite understanding correctly.

We soon come to the circle. We enter into it, and Eddie takes out what looks like a sharp stick. I’m thinking that he is going to stake the demon through the heart as if it was a vampire. I blurt that I didn’t realize we were dealing with vampires. Then I can’t help but laugh. Roland thinks I’m losing it. Eddie goes over to a spot slightly up the side of the hill. He starts drawing in the ground. His stick is sharp enough to cut through the grass and into the dirt. Roland is insisting that the only way to keep the demon off of Eddie will be for one of us to have sex with it. I’m sitting there thinking there will be nothing gained by Eddie drawing pictures in the dirt while the rest of us fuck demons. I sense that there is something approaching. I wonder if it is the demon? We wait for a bit as Eddie draws. Something is approaching us from beyond the circle of stones. Many somethings. Was Roland wrong in thinking there is only one demon? Perhaps we will all have demons to fuck. But these are not demons, or not as far as I can tell. These are those cloaked things from earlier. It looks like masses of darkness concealed in cloaks. Shadow demons, though they are not actual demons.

There are many of the cloaked figures. They are circling around the speaking circle. I wonder what they are doing here. I step out of the circle and ask one of them what they want here? The one that I spoke to says they want for Roland to turn ‘it’ over. I asked what ‘it’ is? The cloaked figure says Roland knows. I tell the cloaked figure I have something that I will give it… but it won’t like it. The figure says there are too many of them here, this time there is no way we can win. We should just hand over what they want or everyone here will face a fate far worse than death. Before I can answer this, Roland answers for me. He pulls out his gun and blows the thing’s head off. That seems surprisingly effective for something that looks like a shadow demon. I tell the next one I am in full agreement with Roland’s answer. If they don’t want to be destroyed they had better leave. The only response I get is a hollow laughter. I notice absently that it started pouring rain, but I am barely noticing the wet. It is time to kick some ass.

The cloaked to figure had been right… There are too many of them. So I will even the odds a bit. Divide by Disturbed will have to do the trick. “I’m going to tear a big hole in what is to be, to end all this infatuation with unity. I’m seeking my salvation alone again, I never needed to be one if you anyway. Don’t want to be another player losing in this game, I’m trying to impress upon you that we’re not the same. My own individuality is so unique, I am one impressive motherfucker now wouldn’t you say?“ then with each repetition of the word divide in the chorus I split in two. So it goes from 2 to 4 to 8 to 16… “You might say that I’m the last one standing! And though you try you’ll never find a way to break me! You might say that I’m sick of being stuck in the crowd, I hear the sirens but they’re never going to take me!“ Now that there are 16 of me I form my right arm into an Alex Mercer blade. All of my duplicates do the same. We now have the entire speaking ring surrounded, and there’s no way the cloaked figures can approach Eddie, Roland, or Susanna. Then I hear Roland say the demon is coming as well. I’m a little busy though. Susanna says it is a male, then calls out to someone I can’t see that the pussy is over here. I kind of tuned him out for now. I remember they were able to handle the demon in the book, but these clocked figures aren’t supposed to be here. So all 16 of me start cutting down the cloaked figures where ever they stand.

I take a glance over towards Eddie. He has completely drawn a door in the ground and is drawing a knob. The door knob becomes three-dimensional, and there is a keyhole. He sticks his wooden key in and tries to turn. It won’t budge. It looks like he’s about to freak out. It looks like Susanna is having some pretty wild sex. Although I think she may be the one in command of it. I can sense something on her that seems to be trying to pull away. Eddie pulls out a knife and makes a very delicate cut on the key. There are a couple more cloaked things left, and they seem to be trying to get away. I am thinking that this should not be allowed. Before they can get very far I use the tendrils of Alex Mercer to impale both of them and tear them apart. With all of the cloaked figures gone, all 16 of me merge back into one. Eddie has turned the key, and the door is opening. Roland pulls Susanna over near the door. He says that when he tells her, she should let go of the demon. I look through the door, and I see MoSh. He is coming up a hallway with a boy. That must be Jake. It looks like the house has come to life around them. There is a monster with several large holes in its face, and it looks pissed. It has a huge gaping mouth that looks like it’s ready to eat anything can get a hold of. That’s when Roland tells Susanna to let go of the demon. He tells MoSh to duck, and then he grabs something invisible from Susanna and throws it into the hallway. MoSh ducks down and the demon goes straight the monster’s gaping mouth.

MoSh and Jake come up and out of the door. This point the door slams shut. And then it turns back into a drawing. The rain is quickly washing that drawing away. MoSh has been helping Jake along, and it looks like Jake got hurt somewhere. His leg is pretty messed up. It doesn’t look difficult to heal however. I focus healing energy through Jake’s leg. We are all getting hopelessly soaked. It is pouring rain, though this seems to be the first time I’ve noticed how wet I am. MoSh is wanting to know who the fuck these cloaked things are anyway? Maybe I should’ve kept one of them alive so that we could find something out from it… but dead shadow demons tell no tales. Maybe I’ll be able to keep that in mind next time. I’m feeling a little strange, right now I am wanting to get mad at Roland and tell him that he needs to open up another door so that I can get out of my prison. Whatever cause that reaction, I don’t know. But I don’t get to find out because everything fades and I wake up.