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06.04.2013

Fix Yourself Instead of Fixing Others (WILD)

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID

We're in a room, the fancy hotels that would have a large glass window that let's you see the city and beyond. I'm wearing a blue polo shirt and black jeans, I tried not looking at her for a while and decided to focus on something rather than her.

I don't know why, things felt awkward, so I continued to look at the darkness over the window. The room we were in was at least 200 feet or so above the ground. I didn't focus on the city itself, just the darkness. The moon is beautiful just using peripheral vision, it illuminates the bland structure of this simulated city.

Eva: You know looking at the city is not really real.

Me: I just wanted to enjoy the view, even if it's just simulation.

Eva: You didn't come all this way just to look at a city, or the sky, or the moon. You came to see me right?

Me: .............


Eva: Don't be shy, there's nothing wrong with you wanting to see me. Wait, are you afraid of what people will think about you just because of me? Remember what happened to those people who mocked you right?

They were just distractions, they prevented you from having fun, even though you knew it was all a dream, and not reality.


I turned around, ignored the city view and decided to sit at the edge of the bed Eva was resting on. The bed is kind of hard to describe, all I know is that there was a bed, and that it consisted of a dark maroon color with different shades of red. The bed was comfortable, but I just wanted to sit at the edge before things get too comfortable in this room.

Me: They were my friends Eva.


Eva: Sure they were your friends, but they didn't really take your behavior too kindly. You let them drain all the kinds of fun you could've had.


I slowly turned around to her, slightly irritated, but she was clearly right. Instead of trying to argue, I decided to let her give her own opinions on how I reacted towards these people. I felt a complete sense of privacy within this dream, only one person to really focus on. There was a brown desk to the right of her, and it had a lamp shining with a hue of yellow. The base of the lamp was a laminated brown marble texture with mixes of white, gray, and milky yellow.


Eva: Come a little closer.


I decided to just freeze and not make a move. She takes the dark maroon bedsheet and gets closer to me.


Eva: I'm just kidding silly, come on, lighten up.


I still didn't know what to do, I decided to just let her take action.


She's just wearing a black bra and underwear, and she gets closer to the left side of my shoulder. She wraps her arms around me and we stayed like this for a few minutes. I started to phase out, slowly feeling her presence around me. The feelings were mixed, and I decided it was best to let whatever happen, happen.

She broke the silence and went back to the topic on my experiences with friends overall.


Eva: You spent more time satisfying these people more than being pleased with yourself. As long as you had an emotional bond with them, you respected them no matter how they looked like. You even allowed yourself to almost fail college just so you can help another friend out.


Me: But she really had a difficult time...


Eva: Yes, but you're not responsible for her life.


Me: But she was my friend.


Eva: Do friends almost make you fail college?



Me: Tch.....you really are honest aren't you?


Eva: Isn't that what you wanted me to be?


I closed my eyes and thought things over, it was the first time in a long time since I talked with someone in my dreams where they struck a nerve on me a few times. I realized I shifted my perspective back to myself near the glass window, except this time, I was bracing my back against it.

I had my left leg up forming an "A" and had my right leg completely stretched out. I decided to look at the bottom of the bed with the dark maroon sheets hanging all the way, almost touching the floor. I still didn't want to look at her directly, but at least have her in my peripheral vision.

I did it so that I would have more focus on her because I would be forced to see her presence. She gets off the bed and slowly walks towards me. I looked down on the dark red carpet with random circular designs. I get a bit anxious, but I quickly realized that I'm being a wimp for nothing since this is just a dream.


Eva: Come on, she wanted you to have some fun for yourself, there's no point feeling depressed about her, she has her own life to worry about.


I'm back at the edge of the bed again, focusing on her with my peripheral vision once more, and she sits to the back of me, spreads her legs and locks them around my waist. She moves her arms under mine, wraps them on my stomach and places her head on my back.

Eva: Instead of trying to fix others, try fixing yourself. You shouldn't feel awkward around me, I'm just trying to help you. You're thinking about the worst case scenarios, and you wonder why it's so difficult for you to find me.

You're already aware that this whole experience is within the confines of your mind, and you shouldn't let other people's opinions affect what you want to do with your life, both in waking and dreaming.

Those same people who tried to change you ended up leaving you and forgetting about you, they focused on their own lives, and you should do the same. You realized that no matter how much you wanted to help people, that virtue has its limits. There's no point in trying to cleanse a person of their doubts and guilt, there are just some things people want to hold on to because of the memories behind them.

I'm sure most people have at least one experience that they regret, and they let it drag them down. You shouldn't try to help them fix their problems if they're consistently showing that they don't want to forgive themselves. What hope is there for a person who doesn't want to help themselves? The only thing you can do is to simply have faith that they will make the right decision.

You have to try your best and keep pushing forward, and I'm more than happy to help you. If you really want to live your dreams, you have to be willing to make difficult choices, even if it means forgetting your friends. It also means allowing yourself to change in order to accomplish those goals, there's no point letting other people drag you down; don't become too fixated with their lives that you forget about your own responsibilities.

Do you even know what you want to do in the future?


Me: [*editing that part out*]
I just want to continue pursuing knowledge and developing myself, is that so wrong?

Eva: No, I didn't say it was, but I..............


editing that part out >_>

Dream Graduation

It’s the first day of my senior year. Most of the student body is sitting on a giant multi-tier bench system that isn’t quite bleachers. It’s in the middle of a giant intersection downtown. All of us are seated by popularity, with the most popular at the bottom with no one in front of us so we can see the “show” that’s going to happen. I happen to be in the very front row (though I was never that popular). From where the benches are, we can see upper main street which trails off and turns a corner. It’s sloped quite a bit more than usual.

The “show” starts. All of the “really really cool” fashionably dressed kids come out and use main street like a runway. The first is this big black guy who was never dressed nicely at all, but he was wearing some classy clothes (classy in dream terms: truthfully it was quite wacky). A few more people trickle out of some building passed the curve of the street. None are girls!

As the fashion students strut around downtown, the whole world turns, or at least the benches we are on. If one starts walking down the street instead of up, all of us lean toward that end of the street. I am so scared that I’m going to fall off the bench which would be really embarrassing. Whenever the benches turn, I grab onto the girl next to me: a girl I know in waking life, Hilary. Behind me, my ex-boyfriend Dylan is sitting. In my dream, they are dating, so it’s awkward that I’m holding onto his new girlfriend pretty tightly.

Once the show is over, all the fashionably dressed popular students are allowed to look around main street alone; we are all here to visit the new shops on the first day of school. I realize that we will be able to join them row by row and I’m in the first row. I panic because that means all the still-sitting students will watch what I look at. My row is dismissed.

I walk around kind of hazily and embarrassed for a few minutes, waiting to see someone I know on the street and for the rest of the rows to come join us. Eventually they do but I can’t find anyone I know. I decide to spend my time as I should: looking at the new places.

The first place I see is a new tattoo shop right next to our older one. It’s called Astral Tattoos and it isn’t an actual store, it’s a pink and green painted wooden booth. They’re selling body modification, tattoos and henna tattoos. I don’t pay attention to what else or what specifically the tattoos are, but I imagine they’d be interesting.

I find my brother Holden (who doesn’t go to my school) and follow him around until we are all brought into the big building at the end of the street. It’s the high school (not where it usually is, it also looks very different).

Inside, we are all wearing our caps and gowns now. Everyone’s color is maroon; it’s our school colors (not in waking life). I follow a few students who are in front of me, because we are arranged alphabetically. Steven and Jamal are before me and Adam is in back of me, although all of them have last names that are in back of where I would have been. I’m really nervous and walk into the bathroom for a moment, look at myself and walk back out. We are led into the auditorium of the school which is absolutely huge and decorated with maroon everything.

I sit down in my row with Steven next to me. Jamal isn’t here so there’s an empty seat. As the students are being shuffled in, I question where I am.

“Is this a dream?” I look around but make up a history to make sense of where I am: yes, the graduation memory that comes to mind is actually when I graduated junior year. Now it’s senior year, so this is real life. Wasted dream check.

Behind me, Martin who is a junior but is sitting with the seniors is handing out camera kits for us to use. I go to grab one but realize that I don’t talk to him a lot and that would be weird and he’d want someone he knows to have them.

While I sit and wait for the ceremony to start, I look at a pamphlet that I have in my hands. It has a bunch of activities we were supposed to do while downtown. They include things like woodworking, pottery, volleyball, etc. I didn’t sign up for anything. I wake up.


Fragment

Heather invites me to her house. It’s a huge place and her room is the size of a usual upstairs area in a normal sized house. We go passed her room which is quite barren. We seem to be in the attic. In back of her room she has a big stage that’s halfway on the house, halfway on the roof with wide glass windows containing a backstage area. She begins to dance with life-sized puppets as her back up dancers. The music plays and she steps into the darkness about half-way on the stage, the dancers follow, and everyone glows in the dark.


Fragment 2

I remember eating a lot of maple sugar through a straw out of this tiny dollhouse. I drained it of maple sugar and felt sick. I could see all the sugar particles in my thigh which was where I would gain the weight if I didn't start running. The radio started to play and a commercial was discussing weight gain.

"Usually when people eat fatty foods, they will gain weight. However, some people have a large amount of bridges in their body which distributes the fat evenly, so they don't gain any weight." I knew I had a lot of "bridges" in my body and didn't worry.

Original Date: 2/21/2010
Type: Anxiety - Non Lucid
Dream:
I'm on my lunch break, and I meet up with my boyfriend, but I don't have my car I somehow floated to meet him across town. I remember that my car is parked in some hotel parking lot that I rented a room at ages ago (I was there in another dream).

So I have him drive me there, but my car is not in the parking lot (then I remember that I have a rental at work and still need to take it back to the rental place so that they will give me my car back, like it was an exchange). Once at the hotel I freak because I realize I never checked out for my room! Holy shit I'm thinking, my bill is gonna be through the roof!

So we pull the car right up to this window and a little Asian lady says "what can I do for you?". I said to her "oh I need into my room", and she says "well then go in!". (her tone made me feel like an idiot for not just going in).

I proceed through the first door, and there is a cleaning lady behind it, I walk past her, and enter through the next door straight back (they are all dressed in maroon uniforms and the carpeting in there was maroon with a gold/yellow border). Behind that door was another woman with a cart trying to come through the same time as me, I say "excuse me" and squeeze past her. Still another door I pass through, with another cleaning lady, and I know that this is the hall my room was in.

As I approached my room there was another cleaning lady walking past, she asked something out loud, I thought to me, and I replied "she's back that way!" (almost yelling it, I think I was beginning to get frustrated at this point, but relieved I made it to the room)

The door to my room was a yellowish wood, different from dark wood off all the other rooms' doors. I went inside and found the room with all of my things in it, "thinking, holy shit, how am I going to pack up all of this and get it out of here and not be late back to work!?", I was starting to panic. So I focused on packing up clothes and stuffing them into these pretty decent sized bags, they had sunflowers on them. Then I'd look into another area of the room and see a vacuum cleaner that I obviously knew was mine and had no freakin clue how I'd be getting that out. (I kept thinking that I wanted to tell my boyfriend to come in and help me, but there was no way for me to communicate to him.) Then i went to the closet, and it was packed with more crap of mine, and there was another vacuum cleaner, brand new and I wasn't about to leave that there! But that's what I was starting to think, that I would have to leave some of my things behind once I "officially" checked out. The last thing I remember was looking elsewhere in the room and seeing 1 huge bag and little bit smaller box beside it overflowing with change (quarters, pennies, dimes) and this made my heart sink, because I knew I wasn't going to be able to life it

Objective Context:
My job makes me very anxious, and tomorrow is my first day back after 2 weeks of much needed leave. I always feel like I don't know what I am going to walk into or what to expect on a daily basis there and am always stressed (which I know is not healthy). Also, I think I feel as though there are things here at home that I still need to do to prepare for work tomorrow but I am procrastinating!