Attended Ex's Funeral met all his friends who had never heard of me

Hey guys thanks in advance for all of your comments, the dream was without question the most vivid I have ever had and has really upset me all day today! Will try and include as much as I can =D

Backstory/Info:

24 year old female, living with parents at the moment. Just finished my degree. Met my ex as part of the degree on a work experience trip. Fell in love in a big way, I would still say he is the love of my life. He broke my heart and dumped me cruelly although I was very cruel to him for a while prior to that. He moved back to his European Country a few months ago. I haven't spoken to him in 1.5 years, I told him never to contact me ever again. I have been thinking and obsessing over him for much of the 1.5 years although I am too stubborn to get in touch. I haven't dated since him. I am going through a big period of change at the moment as I have left university. I know he loved me back but there was too much arguing and the way we broke up was with unresolved feelings, he just refused to see me ever again. I am unsure as to whether I will ever get over him. On a day to day basis I have moved on but it is still there in my psyche somewhere, hurting me still every day. I've had counselling and spoke about it constantly to friends/family. I expunged him from my life completely more or less straight away after he dumped me. We never got a chance to talk it out. He hurt me more than anyone or anything has ever hurt me, it was much worse than when a close relative died of cancer, such was my pain. I am just far too stubborn to contact him now. Even though I still care deeply.

He is known as being a womaniser. He is also 24 now. All of his close friends are women, something which irked me senseless. He sleeps around with a whole bunch of women but sticks around with none of them. I feel like this is a facade to protect his vulnerabiliity at opening up to a woman, like he did with me. Everyone has said that I am and always will be his biggest love, although he is from a european country and he kept that whole side of his life a secret from me, so I never really knew him entirely.

Okay, please ask for more details and I will be happy to share them.

Here we go...........

I am walking down a long large path leading up to an old building, where several people are milling around. For some some inexplicable reason I sense a funeral is taking place inside the building. I sensed an awful feeling and profound sense of sadness in the pit of my stomach as I know somehow this funeral had something to do with me or someone I knew. As I walked further down the path I see it is not a funeral with a casket but a funeral ceremony with an auditorium (there was a large hall much like assembly at school but with chairs in a round formation and one table in the middle of with roughly 8-10 women sitting around it.)

As I am walking and get to outside the door to the building my fear levels began to rise and I started to panic more and more, becoming short of breath. I was straining to see the funeral guides people were holding and I realise it is definitely a funeral. I am scared and terrified. This reaches a crescendo (see note 2) as I catch sight of the guide full on and see my ex's name in big red lettering covering an A5 funeral guide. Instantly the pit of my stomach lurches and I gasp as I realiss he had died. I run down the path into where the ceremony was taking place and take a seat mid way through. Nobody is crying and I am becoming more and more panicked. He had obviously been dead for a while and this was a ceremony to celebrate his life, after the funeral.

Everything I had felt for him came flooding back. I realise how much he had a hold on me and I keep thinking that 'life is different, life will never be the same again'. I realise he is my everything and always has been. I realise how much I have lost. My life seems completely empty now, completely changed forever. It is without question the worst feeling of sadness I have ever had in my whole life. I am straining to see what was happening at the table at the front. It was a small group of his best friends, who are passing around photographs of him. I feel so sad as I realise these girls might not even know about me. And i feel outraged that all of this has happened and I havent been notified. Everyone looks so composed they obviously had time to come to terms with the whole thing, they were recanting memories of him from their childhood.I noted that nobody looked like me, they all seemed different to me, and I was the odd one out.I kept thinking that maybe he had killed himself because of me and it was my fault, because I know he is so stubborn like me and he wouldnt have wanted to admit how much the split with me affected him. I kept thinking back to how much I loved him and how much he suffered when I treated him badly. I just want to hold him and tell him I am so sorry. I am getting more and more panicked, there was one free seat on the front spot just before the central table. I take it. I wait until the ceremony ends and then I can't hold it in any longer, I go running through to the central table and grab one of his friends. I grabbed her and I shake her and scream 'he's dead, he's my (ex's name) and he's dead, he was the love of my life'. Everyone else has left by now and it is just the group of his girl friends now. The girl looks at me but I dont recall her expression or that she showed much empathy, I look around the table of girls and I said 'he must have mentioned me, I'm (my name!), he must have mentioned me!' they all shake their head. My profound sadness at having lost the love of my life and the sadness that I was also hidden from those closest to him was devastating. I kept repeating, he must have mentioned me, and now he was gone (awful feeling in pit of stomach)! They continue to shake their heads! It is like I had never existed to him, and I am devastated. All I had left was to know that he loved me,and now I didnt even have that. Exhausted, devastated and beaten, broken in the knowledge that he may not have loved me or that he did and lived with his terrible sadness alone until he couldnt take it anymore, I fall into his best friend from childhoods arms, she consoles me, I am screaming and sobbing into her arms, and all of my sadness is being released, and it is the saddest and most painful moment of my entire life, either awake or asleep. When I awake I have the strongest urge to protect him, to check he is okay and to tell him that I love him just in case he decides to kill himself. I realise I hurt him as much as he hurt me, and I am terribly sorry.

NB another detail I left out was that I asked the group of friends what he died of and they said that detail was mysteriously never mentioned, alluding to the fact it was a suicide. I also felt terribly responsible for his suicide and the feeling of guilt as inescabable. I feel like it is my fault for what I put him through with the constant arguing.

NB2 I had a full blown panic attack recently but I don't suffer from them normally, the way my anxiety reaches fever pitch leading up to finding out it is indeed my ex who has died reminds me a little of a panic attach, but can you have one in your sleep?

Also I've read many online interpretations, most saying to dream of the funeral of an ex is a sign that you are finally getting over it and grieving it, but a few said that it means I have realised how much he means to me and what I have lost. I;ve been fighting the urge to get in touch with him all day, which is ridiculous since I havent spoken to him in 1.5 years, but such was the level of feeling this dream has aroused in me. I really do miss him an awful lot. But I've been trying to get over him forever and it never seems to happen. I just want to find peace.


Thankyou xx

Your relationship seems similar to mine, which ended recently, and I even posted a dream I had just last night about it, too.

I'm not really that great at interpretation, and what I was going to say was what one of the interpretations told you. I think it's the one about finally starting to get over it, and feeling terrible about it. If you feel you should call, do it. I probably would, but that's just me. I talked to mine for 6 hours just two days ago, and yeah, I'm not exactly how that will effect our relationship.

Thankyou for your reply x

There is no way I would contact him, I mean when I said I still care I do - and I always will - but that doesn't mean I ever want to speak to him again. I've come too far and moved on too much to go open Pandora's box. And to be honest, I'm a little scared as to what is in there if I do go poking about.

The dream has faded in my memory a little now but it still remains the most harrowing one I have had in my life. I think the main thing I took / felt from the dream was guilt - guilt for making him feel so inadequate all the time. And I felt utterly responsible for his 'suicide' - I know how much the break up affected him and he is not the type to express his emotions so god knows what he did with the pain. I saw him once a few months after it happened - he looked so lost, so lonely and so depressed, he had other things going on at the time but I felt somehow responsible for what he was going through. I felt like a failure for not being there for him at the time he needed someone the most. Maybe that is where the guilt comes from. But he was the one who said he needed time and space from me (effectively dumping me), so he was the one who caused it in the first place! Sometimes I have flashbacks to the moment I received the text saying he needed time and space - the finer details are etched in stone in my mind, such was my hurt and shock. It tortures me to think about how he came to the decision and how he wanted to let me down gently but couldn't think of how. I wonder if he was angry, if he really meant it. I wonder if I had hurt him too much already. I know you can drive yourself mad thinking about it and I know one of us had to end it but I could kick myself a thousand times for not doing it first. I would literally take a bullet to ....... my hand or foot than go through that again. Heck, might as well go for the ribcage... there isn't any shred of strength left in me to face that again.

Hopefully it does mean I've come to terms with it and am moving on .. I would love to wake up in a morning and not remember him cuddling me, and go to bed at night without wondering what he is doing. I badly want him to be happy and Ok, hopefully he is and hopefully he forgives me for everything that happened =(

Thanks again, I will try and reply to your post when I have time xx