Boyfriend Keeps Having Dreams About His Ex

**Furtive** · 02-03-2011 07:22 PM

My boyfriend and I took to telling each other our dreams from the night before. It's generally not something most couples like to do and perhaps for the reason that I'm here.
A bit of background before I explain his dreams. Him and his ex were together for roughly 4 years. They shared quite a bit, having been high school sweet hearts. She was his first girlfriend and they were quite inseparable until about a year before the break up. Around then she started spending less time with him and more time around her guy friends. Her and him started arguing a lot more, and a break up ensued due to her admitting to having sex with a few of her guy friends. However, after the break up, she would still talk to him and tell him that she loved him and that the break up hurt her and so on. I got with my boyfriend about 5 months after they broke up and we've been together for a year now. I get the feeling that he's still not over her though. He brings her up at least once a day, usually a 'yea my ex did this...' or a 'my ex was like that'. I've tolerated it the best I can because I really do love him. Though recently I've found papers where's he's written down tidbits of things like what he did to make his ex leave him, things he's read that have reminded him of her[not necessarily in a good light], and pictures on his computer that say things like "I want someone like you", "I still love you", "I'm still not over you" and such. Anyway onto the dreams.

He usually dreams about her a few times a month, from what he's told me though. He's had:
*Multiple sex dreams about her
*Scattered dreams of them kissing/making out/hugging. One dream he had claimed that he kissed her but shoved her away because he felt guilty
*Dreams where they're still together but but she breaks up with him later in the dream. An example being they were walking hand in hand around town and then another guy drives by and tells her to get into the car and she leaves with the other guy and he's sad through out the dream. Most of those dreams were similar to that one, either another guy taking her away or her leaving him and then being sad during the dream.
*One dream about her funeral. This one wasn't recent, this was about halfway into our relationship.

I know with dreams you can't be too literal, but is he just not over his ex? Does he want her back? I read that a dream about a funeral can represent getting over something/someone, but that was mid-relationship and he's had lots of others about her. I love him so much but this is worrying me. I'd appreciate any information anyone could give.

**etereo** · 02-04-2011 11:03 PM

rule #1 never share your dreams with your partner keep it to yourself i know from experiece.

**etereo** · 02-04-2011 11:05 PM

you what i do when something bad happens i act like it never happened or never exsist it is zero

**Oneironaut Zero** · 02-04-2011 11:25 PM

At first, I was going to tell you not to be too hard on him. Hell, my daughter's mom and I broke up almost 8 years ago, and I just had a somewhat sentimental dream about her, two nights ago. It happens, and you really can't put too much weight on it.

However, what would worry me are the things he is doing while he is awake. (The notes, the constantly talking to her, etc.) Even with that being the case, there is the chance that he's just not over her. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but a 4-year relationship is not incredibly easy to get over, even over the span of a year and a half. You should talk to him about it. Bring up everything that bothers you. Try not to take it as an insult, because it may just be something he's struggling with, which is understandable. But you do need to let him know that it's affecting your relationship.

**etereo** · 02-05-2011 01:50 PM

Originally Posted by Oneironaut

At first, I was going to tell you not to be too hard on him. Hell, my daughter's mom and I broke up almost 8 years ago, and I just had a somewhat sentimental dream about her, two nights ago. It happens, and you really can't put too much weight on it.

However, what would worry me are the things he is doing while he is awake. (The notes, the constantly talking to her, etc.) Even with that being the case, there is the chance that he's just not over her. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but a 4-year relationship is not incredibly easy to get over, even over the span of a year and a half. You should talk to him about it. Bring up everything that bothers you. Try not to take it as an insult, because it may just be something he's struggling with, which is understandable. But you do need to let him know that it's affecting your relationship.

good insight very profound and I agree

**bluesuns** · 02-05-2011 09:03 PM

It certainly sounds like he reflects on her a lot in waking life. This could be that he's not over her, or that he is but is still very hurt and trying to deal with why it happened. He could also be reflecting on what went wrong with her because he doesn't want the same things to go wrong in his relationship with you.

As for the dreams, he has a lot of dreams about her. However, I did have dreams a while back about my first boyfriend when I was in another relationship. They concerned me because they were affectionate and I was confused why suddenly he would turn up in my dreams. Well, I read that they can be more symbolic - of something you used to have with that person/in that relationship which you might not have so much now, rather than of the person. So, this could be something he did with her, or simply the feelings he had with her, such as feelings of security. Regardless of whether he's over his ex or not, he really seems to be disturbed by what happened with her, that could have knocked his comfort or security in dating and relationships. A four year relationship (or three happy years) would make you feel quite secure in it, so she might represent a secure relationship to him.

The funeral dream is interesting. It could represent getting over her, a desire to get over her, feeling like he should get over her, or something more symbolic again such as losing faith in the idea of a comfortable, secure relationship.

I hope my thoughts can help. Possibly you can see something in this by thinking how he acts toward you. If he is very loving and affectionate, he probably is in love with you and over her, just struggling with the hurt it caused. If he's less affectionate to you than he could be, or less than how he was with his ex, he could still not be over his ex or just struggling with being very hurt by his last relationship.

Good luck, please post how things go.

**Drokens** · 02-05-2011 09:35 PM

Dreams are often based on memories and if he was with her for four years, that's a lot of memories. He will probably dream about her for years to come. It is pretty unavoidable. I was in a horrible relationship for two years in high school. It has been almost a year since I've even seen her and I still have dreams once and a while. They all range in what we're doing, but most of them are memories. If he's still thinking about her in real life and writing things about her, this won't help him to stop dreaming about her. I wouldn't advise you to just act like nothing happened. You need to talk to him about it. It's going to be a struggle but you may be able to help him get over her, because it really is a hard thing to do. If you help him get over his ex, it will probably end up helping your relationship with him.

**Burned up** · 02-05-2011 09:56 PM

In my experience there is little linkage between the feeling of intimacy in a dream and the person who is the object of the intimacy. Many of us have intimate dreams, and quite honestly I'd be more concerned if your b/f didn't. I suppose an ex is more likely to appear in a dream like this simply because of the existing memory of intimacy. But that's all it is.

Don't you ever have intimate dreams? Are they always about him?