Growing up/engaged to a stranger...
I dreamt I'd thrown a party (out of character for me. I like quieter, tamer gatherings in rl) at an old childhood friend's house (without her knowing I think, til later in the dream. Anyway the dream house was 2 stories & I was upstairs at the time. We're somewhat in touch but there's no resentment in the distance. It is just kind of a Facebook friendship where we share things in common like grade school photos or psychology - something we share an interest in but she does for a living). I'd also had a man over that I felt right with (Kind of reminded me of one or two guys I've liked before in real life but I forget if it WAS someone I know in RL or the dream guy just felt as comfy to me as they do/did). The guy left for work or to go out of town for work or something & I was unclear where we were leaving things (relationship-wise) & I felt like maybe he won't return. I found a toddler on the stairs I realized was my (rl) ex-coworker's kid (of another race, & she transferred out of state last year but we're still friends). She'd just left for the new job & left her kid in my care, & though at first I was nervous about it, I realized I loved him as my own. I patted his back or his head for a moment I think & noticed that outside the either open or glass front entry, that there were still people hanging out there (old coworkers from my restaurant job, I think, including my former manager from that job, who I mention again later) & my parents were arriving with my brothers, sister in law, & some luggage. I went back upstairs to change & get ready, & saw the old friend there - only back for a little while to change & get ready for work (which in real life is psychiatry). While she got ready (makeup & earrings, using a vanity mirror in the bedroom) she was displeased at me for what'd gone down (the wild party) & said my behavior wasn't right or healthy or mature & that some change was badly needed, etc. I headed back to the stairs & was proposed to by a stranger - decent looking guy & he seemed nice & I was "needing change" & security, so I accepted. & realized a couple steps later (after wondering whom I'd just accepted a proposal from & hoping it was my ex-boss, so at least I somewhat knew the person & trusted him) that I was in the deep blue dress I'm wearing soon (in rl) to my younger brother's wedding. I was wearing heels & walking down uncomfortable wooden stairs & trying to be graceful about it (I was going very slowly & carrying myself like royalty & felt like I looked hungover or still drunk) & realized there was some semi-formal gathering down there & attention was drawn to me & I realized the event was for me & had to do with my engagement - either a shower or a rehearsal dinner. It was sea themed & there was a buffet with a decorated pineapple centerpiece. I was hungry & while loading my plate (not sure what with but all the food was tropical-themed, and ) I noticed my ex-boss (whom I had kinda hoped the groom was though he's really not my type but similar to whomever had just proposed) had shown up with a girl (his rl wife I think), & it hit me - I'm really marrying a stranger, & I got scared because that's really unsafe & permanent & there wasn't even love there & there was just a man there with me (no sex - just closeness) the night before that I connected with that might still want me. So I went to my parents (feeling bad after all the money & effort they spent for the whole thing) to tell them about my concerns but got distracted by a gaudy ship necklace mom was wearing (a bit of background - my mother & I had a tiff a couple weeks ago about her wanting to force me to wear shoes that did NOT match my dress & she tried to obligate me to get them since she was the one paying for my shoes... I refused, of course, & she still bought them saying she'd have them just in case then & wear them herself if I didn't. She thinks she's the authority on style & that I'm too nonconformist to know what matches). She showed it to me (& I was sort of intrigued by it though it was rather large/gaudy, but I think my interest was more in the sense of liberty & adventure it seemed to make me think of), & said it's Black Beard's pirate ship or something like that & made a pirate sound & I think I started waking up & between dream & wake states I felt very scared & confused & was berating myself for settling for mr. Right now when mr. Right was already there but just not at the moment (& in my fuzzy state compared them to iceberg & spring mix lettuce for some reason. I don't mind iceberg but I prefer spring mix lettuce taste-wise and because it has far more nutritional value... Anyway I got up in real life & realized I was an hour late for work because of Daylight Savings Time... I called my boss (who's also my dad, I've already disappointed him enough the last couple years with various petty things, some unrelated to work, but he holds on to former issues & newer ones get reacted to with older resolved ones still in mind), & he was sort of short with me & it exacerbated the feeling the dream left me with. So I could use help understanding the dream in case there's insight or helpful info for me in it that might help me navigate better. Despite how the dream was & my current situation I've been a lot more responsible & trying really hard to do things right & at the same time let myself be peaceful & hopeful. & the past (which is relatively mild. I haven't really done anything huge wrong. But I mess up on little things a lot because of a learning disability people seem to forget I have, & the fact I have a history of being mistreated & controlled that I'm still trying to grow beyond) seems to be haunting me .
Side note, my friend's scolding & then the disappointment in my dad's voice the next morning brought the same feeling in me of being uneasy in my stomach from shame & fear. & I didn't even do anything grave enough to feel that way. I had dinner with a guy the night before that was nice but did concern me with some things he admitted to (he might be too wild for me. & though we were clear that neither of us are looking for anything besides friends I'm not sure if I should get involved as friends now either)... So I'm wondering if the party & whatnot related to that. & if the regretted engagement relates to regret in telling the guy we'd hang out again & be friends... Also, I'm spiritual & have been very close to God lately but the couple days prior to the dream I felt like He was more silent/distant, so I'm thinking maybe the guy I'd been with initially that I felt was better for me represented Him & my feeling like He was "away" (& doubting His love for me) & my accepting a cheap replacement that was way too rash & risky.
