Oh wow, you have illuminated the situation for me fully. I can't express my gratitude enough , thank you so much!! I've passionately delved into self improvement right after the breakup, met all my emotions head on and i've come across all those points you have pointed out in your reply.
I've had dreams about her from time to time and it would always make me wake up with a smile becuase while i was with her, i was having nothing done, everyone was studying for the universtiy entrance exam and i was doing nothing but gaming and hanging out with her after school. I was running away from myself and the things that had to be done. I was unhappy deep isnide and she sensed it, and my lack of drive or goal, and now i see why she started going cold and bored.
I moved from pleasuring her oraly with passion and love to just doing it so she orgasms and so she can reciprocate so i could too. Like an oblgation, i felt i was getting selfish but i chose to ignore it and tell myself different stories. I would get frustrated when she wouldn't do it and expect it of her instead of just love her for what she is...
Looking back on the relationship i now see many many things in her about myself that i have now left behind. I'm living life more fully and smile deep from my core now, i have changed and i am grateful i was with her because without that relationship i wouldn't discover and allow the new stronger version of myself to break out. It broke out after 4 years....
One question, there's something poking me in the back of my head every time my thoughts come across her. During the day, now less than before but it still happens, i'd just go about my life e.g. eating lunch and a random part of our relationship would just come into my mind, like what we were talking about on a bench or how we laughed or things of that nature. It's never painful, i just let it fully unwind in my mind like a segment of a movie and it'd pass since i'd unconciously shift to something else after a while.
As we sat down to have a talk to break up, since we both agreed that the relationship was going nowhere and making us both miserable, a lot of emotions rose up as i was walking her back to her house. She wanted me to walk her all the way to the door and we actually started talking there for almost an hour. It was just like when we first met, she was talking left and right,bringing up subjects out of nowhere but since the fights started she wouldn't say 3 words. It was really odd to me but i was really quiet since i was on the verge of breaking down in tears.
So anyways, we hugged and went our separate ways, i still see here arround town and she has a huge smile when we say hi to each other. So i still have this thought poking me somewhere back in my mind that ''we aren't looking at the world in the same way, partly because of the age difference and partly because we need to grow as individuals separately, but we might get back together in the future''. I can’t help but think that the way we talked when we broke up left things unfinished and thats what’s troubling me. She made it clear that she doesn’t want contact when i asked her to come over to take a picture with me for my Prom, she ’’had a friend over for a movie and couldnt make it’’ even though it was 5 mins from her house. It upset me but i moved on.
It's always there, whenever she pops into my mind. I want new relationships, i want new experiences and i'm going off to university in 4 months but this thought won't stop poking me. I want it to go away and separate completely but it wont go away. What can i do? Maybe thats causing my time to time dreams about her?
Sorry i typed such a long text, i just needed to express myself, i want to detach from this and go about my life...
|
|
Bookmarks