An Open Letter to the One Who Abandoned Me

I had a dream that I really wish didn't need a reason to exist.

I had a dream that me and this guy that I used to see almost every weekend went on a trip. I was really skeptical of whether or not I wanted to go, but I decided that I would just because I had missed this persons company. What really upset me was that in my dream, he still wanted to have sex with me and I was stupid enough to let it happen. Not even an hour later he was saying he didn't feel good and I offered to walk down to the gas station that was near us and get him a ginger ale or something. And he told me that he would rather go home. I told him okay and that it was fine, I understood even though it really made me sad. We still stopped at a gas station and he asked if I would go in and get him a drink and I told him of course I would. I wasn't even gone for two minutes and he had fucking left. Disappeared. Ignoring any texts or calls I sent his way. I was crushed. I felt fucking stupid for falling into a trap for a third time. I felt used and unwanted.

And I hate to say that I haven't seen this person in a year, but I really hate saying that I have a reason to even have this dream.

I wish I wasn't so stupid. I wish I didn't have a reason to have a dream like this. But like I said, I haven't seen this person in a year, other than the times I had seen him at the grocery store on my lunch breaks for work but I would try and quickly walk by hoping that I wasn't seen, so why would I have even had this dream? Why is he in it and not someone else? I've been used and lied to by other people before and after him. So why would I have a dream about this one person? And I know I still care about this person. I am too kind hearted not to. I don't care how long it's been since we've talked, if you need help I'll always be around. But I hate having reasons to have dreams like this. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't around anymore. The only things that are keeping me grounded are my loving family, friends, and the hope that no matter how many times I have to be hurt, that I will find that once person who won't care about anything else but me. Someone who won't just stop talking to me and find someone that is better, like I've had happen a thousand times before, because I'm going to be the one that is better for them.

I really wish I wouldn't have had this dream to make me miss the company of this person. I wish I wouldn't have had this dream to think about all the good memories I remember about them. I wish that I wouldn't have had this dream to be reminded that I can't seem to be good enough for some people. I wish I wouldn't have had this dream to be reminded that I'm just a toy--you can be their favorite for a while, but soon enough they will get bored with it and throw it away for a new one.
I just want to be wanted and appreciated. I'm someone that will need some time to open up and show you how I feel. It may take a long time, but I need someone who is going to be patient and push through it because they know how hard it is opening up to someone after telling the person before that you're not used to showing affection because every time you do they get hurt. How you're scared to kiss the person that you care about because you don't want to get too attached to that person because deep down you're not sure if they're different or not.

And I'm not trying to say all this to be negative about the person in this dream. I still think really high of them and I hope that they finally found what they wanted. And if they took the time to read this, I want you to know that I don't care that you have found a girlfriend. I'm really happy for you, but I'll still be here if you ever need anything no matter how big, small, or stupid.

I love you, friend.
Have a nice night.

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This guy had stopped talking to me about a year ago? Could I have had the dream as a way of hitting the year mark? (I dont remember what day he stopped talking to me, but i know it was the month of January).

And if it's of any detail, When this happened I was 18 and he was 25 (turning 26 in February).