Why did I dream about the 3 people I miss in such a strange way..
Hi, my name is Rosie.
I had a rather complicated upbringing - I never knew my father and my mother, who was severely bipolar and violent towards me, died when I was 13. After she died I went to live with my grandparents, who I was close to anyway and always longed to live with them, but obviously living with someone is very different to spending 1-2 hours a day with them. They were very controlling and, sometimes, didn't really give me a lot of independence. In short, they treated me like my mother, who was regularly be off the rails when she was in her teenage years. However, I am nothing like her and it angered me when they compared me to her.
When living with my mother, I was severely neglected - she couldn't look after herself let alone myself. She would often be violent towards me, however I understand it was not her fault. I'm not a person to be open about feelings or anything like that, so when all of this was going on I just carried on. People say, "Oh, that must've been hard", but it wasn't, I just lived and did the same things as everyone else. However, sometimes my actions in terms of relationships and close friendships could be rather odd - I used to struggle a lot.
I wouldn't say that I was a 'clingy' person but I was very afraid of losing those around me and would worry a lot. Sometimes, I would just take things to far (not in an inappropriate way) but in a way that would attract a lot of attention. When something great happened, I would hold onto it, maybe a bit too much, and this happened regularly with people who came in and out of my life - basically, I could be a bit obsessive. Obviously, I realised this (the hard way).
I moved on from all that and decided to get closer to this person who I had drifted from in the past. It was one of the best decisions and we just clicked straight away - you really wouldn't have though we hadn't spoken properly in about 4 years! I vowed that I would never be 'obsessive' with him, simply because I could never do it to him. Things were going great, there was such a great connection between us and he was such a fun person to be around - it also had such a positive influence on my confidence and I became close with some amazing people as a result.
However, as always, it didn't last. I was told a few times that the feelings were mutual by some friends, and, even when I admitted my feelings for him, he distanced himself, like he was scared or something which is weird as he's not one to hold back in those situations. Eventually, we argued, quite a few times :chuckle:. The problem was that we'd get super close and then he'd back off and say he has feelings for someone else. This obviously hurt me a lot to the point where I didn't know if it was worth it anymore and we'd pick fights out of nothing. Well, we haven't spoken in nearly 3 months now. He's had a girlfriend since but it lasted 2 weeks :chuckle: and it was an obvious rebound relationship (don't know why). Sometimes I miss him loads and then other times I hate him :chuckle:. But I've been missing him for a while now and have been wondering whether he does too. I've accepted that he's not perfect, there are things I dislike about him but I still miss the time we spent together and would love to talk to him again, as long as the effort would be equal :rolllaugh:
Last night I had about 3 dreams morphed into one. The first dream was that my mother's ashes had fallen all over my bed and on the floor and I was quickly trying to put them back in the pot before anyone came in. 2 days ago was when I first found how my mother had died and I didn't exactly take it well. I tend to hide my grief for my mother because I know that if I was to face it head on, I'd have to face the abuse and neglect that I was put through also and I don't want to relive it, therefore, I hide it. The other dream was about my younger cousin, whom I haven't seen in a few weeks and I miss talking to him and spending time with him. We were in my bedroom watching some of his favourite films/programmes, just spending time with each other. The last dream was about that guy that I rambled on about (opps...:)). Just before the new year, when he got with his new girlfriend, I saw him standing outside a shop while I was waiting with a friend. She told me he kept looking at me but I just blanked him. He then walked out and walked away with his new girlfriend and that was the last time I saw him for a little while. It hurt to see it happen but I was going to have to face it at one point. In my dream I was sitting in a hospital and I was pregnant. He walked out of the lift and smiled at me and just walked away into the distance..scarily similar to how he walked away with his ex but this time he acknowledge me instead. Then, somehow, I ended up in Barcelona by a pool. Just in case it matters, Barcelona is my favourite place. I love the language, the culture, just everything about it, and again, I miss being there. I just feel like I belong there :).
Sorry for such a ramble, but thank you if you read this far :chuckle:
