Have I seen my "inner core"?
Here's an entry I just posted in my dream live journal. I'm going through a kind of rough time right now, so I am depressed (and I tell you guys this so that you can understand a little better). I'm simply going to post my journal entry and I was wonderring what you guys think of it all.
Quote:
Two days ago I kept having, for a few days in a row, dreams where this boy from my school would appear. I'll tell you a little about him.
He's a grade lower than me and his name's Yves. What's particular about this, seemingly lonely, lad is that he's VERY skinny, I'd even go so far as to say anorexic [spelling?]. He's got a somewhat gothic-artist style in his clothing instead of the usual angry kid goth walking down the hall. He looks like the type of goth that would listen to Dead Can Dance all day and sports Batman sweat shirts in all weathers and a round brimmed hat to keep him in the shade and is very pale, even more pale than my ex. I can't help but want to get to know him.
He's one of those people that, when I look at him, it's as if I can see what a conversation with him might be like and I look inside myself and find the fictional character I can relate to the most: Armand. With that same attitude and mood of comparison I see Louis in him. He seems frail and sad.
That's Yves and he's the boy I kept seeing in my dreams. Usually he'd be standing in a crowd and there was something about him that would strick me...not something superficial, but like a golden weakness and sudden attachment that I must protect him lest death sweep me off my own two feet. He wasn't exactly a human in my dreams, but wasn't exactly...\"not human\" either. He was an image, I guess, something like a spirit.
At one point I remember being in a crowd and I held an umbrella over him to protect him from the rain and I felt so compelled to protect him that my body and his were actually somewhat like spirits and I had 1/2 passed through him, yet we were flesh and belonged to the realm of matter. The crowd was passing us by like a great river and rain fell in torrents and all the while we stood there...as I held the umbrella to protect this boy who seemed like the core and center of something abstract at once known and a complete mystery to me.
I rememeber my ex walked by in that crowd, not noticing us...in fact she walked by at least twice and each time she did there was a strange, yellowy light eminating from her and each strand of this great light hit us like daggers to the soul. Then my pen pal walked by once, not noticing us either and she had only a glow, but...it simply did nothing to us, if at most we watched her walk by. Note that I was watching us from about 6ft above the umbrella on an angle so that I could just make out Yves and I.
Another strange thing is that from time to time Yves's heart would start glowing like E.T.'s.
I know it's a strange dream, but I think that Yves physical form and glowing heart represent what I've been seeking for so long: the core of my own mind. No, don't worry, I don't know Yves so he doesn't mean much to me in person, it has nothing to do with the real person except that he looks so sad sometimes.
However it seems my subconscience won't allow me to control my dreams ever since this happened and with good reason: I want to find him and question him...not with words, but with emotions. It's a strange thing to say, I know, but it's how it works in dreams when you question important \"characters\", or at least how it works for me.
But that's not what seems important...I want to reach into his chest and simply pull out his mechanical glowing heart (for indeed it was semi-mechanical). I want to pull it out of him and look at it and analyse it...I can do it, I know I can, but as I've said, my mind's been blocking off my own capacity to control my dreams and the fact is that my mind, protective as it is of the \"Core\", is more than likely to simply present me with a \"fake Yves\".
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What are your thoughts on this?
