Thanks, guys - this has all helped me out a lot.
Back in school, I was a nobody, picked on. I just didn't care about anything, and school wasn't a place to learn anymore - it was a painful place that I was forced to attend.
In high school, my GPA was 1.00.
I think some of this has to do with the fact that I'm a member of a minority group (Native American) and the school that I attended was (back then) mostly caucasians.
I stopped going to school in my junior year. I took and passed my GED test with flying colors (the only perfect-score on the English Test that the instructor had ever seen...hey, I like to read ).
In college, I started out majoring in English. They thought I wouldn't do so well, so they started me out in English 101. After I passed that course with a perfect A, I was moved up to Senior Level English 390, and I began tutoring other students in the Academic Skills Center. My GPA was 3.86.
After college, I got a job at a local radio station and became the number-one deejay in three counties. I wrote several books, bought a new house, and I drive a very nice car.
My self-esteem went through the roof! I was boisterous, arrogant, and I wanted to pay back everybody who ever treated me badly in high school. The number one abuser was...my older sister!
Today, my older sister is on drugs. She lives in her boyfriend's house. She's constantly having a hard time, never went to college, and can't hold down a good job.
The thing about self-esteem really smacked me hard here. I don't like these school dreams, because in the dream I'm 38 and I'm sitting in a room full of rowdy brats, knees up to my chin.
I know that I have a self-esteem problem. I don't make friends easily, and I really don't miss not having many friends. The friends that I do have are carefully chosen, and I treat them wonderfully. I'm just afraid of being hurt again, I know.
Out of all of my mom's children, she considers me to be the most successful. But I was a middle-child. My older sister was my dad's baby...my youngest sister was my mom's. I always had to over-achieve to gain any recognition. For years, I overcompensated by lifting weights and taking my frustrations out with physical fitness. I looked better than I had ever looked in my life, it was amazing!
One day - it snapped. I stopped trying to dance in the spotlight to make them proud of me. And that's when they realized...hey, wait a minute! Where's what's-his-name!? He hasn't been trying to impress us for a while!
I turned to God and Jesus, got a job as a supervisor working with my people's history, and met and married a wonderful person!
The insight that you've given me is valuable. It's helping me to see myself, and it is truly appreciated on all levels.
Thanks!
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