JaRdyN's DreAm JeRnaLL

apr 6th 2005

My first journal, fiqured i might as well start,
something to reflect on,

Woke up to Sleep Paralysis today,
An evil looking being staring straight down at me.. .
Sometimes it's very difficult.. not to be afraid, especially after a brief hiyatus from S.P., one forgets what it feels like, Unexpected..

I closed my eyes, I didn't think i'd be able to ld.. i need to gain my confidence back.... I felt my body falling asleep... I fell... thru my bed.. thru the floor... . kept falling, for quite sometime, landed, opened my dream body's eyes and i was in my room, I just stopped and looked, it had been quite sometime since i had a WILD, I wanted to go outside, but I knew if i tried, I'd wake up, I wasn't lucid enough, any sudden moments would awake my body
I tried anyways to get outside.. and woke up...

I can never get enough of lucid dreaming,
never stay in long enough,
I wonder how long i'd have to stay in for... in order to get sick of it..
I don't think I ever would.. .

April 10th

I only meet girls in dreams
it seems
amazing ones at least..
hmmm, it was heaven,

another.. .
I was superman,
prolly b/c i've been watchin so much smallville...
it's weird how most dreams take place in your hometown or hometown house,
no matter where ya go,
a wise man once told me "home will always be home, u can't change that"
even if u despise it..repress it... (not that i do) always home..
there was a new arena ? why ?
then these electrobe things were chasing me through a forrest,
i woke up in a daze and reflected on the dream, wondering what i would do if i was superman and they were chasing me.. .. then fell back asleep and was back in the forest,
but it was different.
there were buiness men looking for me, but only their buiness suits and a thin silouette of their faces could be seen , they were invisible.
i was ducking beside a tree.. one put a flashlight over my head and was walking right towards me, but the person about to find me was dressed in yellow, not a buiness man.. like an apprentice.. a pet,
the other buisness men shouted something at her, i think it was a 'her', and she went back with them.

they were gone, i turned around and
suddenly there were all these backpackers in the forrest walking towards the riverbank on the righthand side,
the forrest wasn't very dark anymore, i looked up, the sky was filled with stars, there was so much space between each giant tree, i tried to tell them to look up, I had never seen anything like it,
It was like "Tonight, Tonight" by the 'Smashing Pumpkins"... like the soundtrack to that song,. .
Like the portrait of the feeling, of that song.
I soon awokened,
To be left with only a few traces of a memory of a fickle, fickle reality.

I guess that's what makes them beautiful,
their mystery.

April 12 th

Good old false awakenings,
Very very sneaky sir.
I noticed i was in sleep paralysis,
Man, That cat is tricky, I almost stopped myself b/c i thought i was lying on my arm, like it was asleep and no blood was getting to it, but then i was like. 'No' tha'ts just s.p.' with his ol' tricks again,
I didn't want to fall, I made myself float instead, first time i consciously tried doing that, i started floating up, i didn't like it, i'll fall for now on, i'm good at falling, it's easy to land.
eventually i was back in my bed, Awake... or so i thought, i got up, there were people there, i was telling them i was all mad b/c I couldn't do a WILD, it turned into a fairly long dream, nothing to spectacular happened, some old friends were there, blah blah blah..
False awakenings, I'll be ready for it next time.

April 15th

I had the weirdest/scariest sleep paralysis ever today... .
it was more on the line of a dream, but i could feel my paralyzed body, and i was in my bed..
usually i can see my whole room.. ..
not this time..
everything was blank.......
it wasn't dark and it wasn't light..
it was just blank..
except.. like... this ajar door with light shining through...
the feeling was so scary,
I could have gone into a lucid dream,
it was too scary though,
i couldn't let the S.P. take over, i had to wake myself up,
whoa..
it was intense.

April 27th

"God Only Knows what I'd be without you"
Luv that song.. . .
la la la la...
False awakenings once again..
My dilema, my wall. My ever changing demon has found my weakest flaw,
I need to unlearn what i've learned..
In an all possible world,
I've put myself on an island, surronded by a moat,
the water they call impossibilities,
it's always the same thing..
Sleep paralysis hits.. i go with it.. . .
then i wake up in my bed.... I think I'm fully awake.. i try to go through S.P. again.. but there's people around, so I can't, so i end up talking to them, b/c i don't wana be rude and ask them to leave.. although sometimes i will. .but still.. .arg.. .. .
I used to be a such a good swimmer.
Your running out of forms to take on my capricious friend...
I'll get u, it may take a bit... but i will...
Keep manifesting.... soon u'll be left as nothing but a welcome matt on the door to my ever so lucid dreams.

Half awake all day... .
wide awake when i lay my head down,
half asleep all night.. . .
It's just a blur..
Everything is a tumultulous blur passing fast when i luv it..
stopping when i don't. . .

A

May 3rd

Lucid NightMare,
I can't see how anyone walks the bridge that I am challenged with,
nothing compares to the turmoil it entails.
I was in sleep parylysis.. it was night time,
i could control,
i grabbed someone's arms whom i made appear..
it was a demon of some sort...
ahh.. i don't know why i created it, just to see if i could i guess..
it was so dark.. .
the feeling is so terrible.....A bombardment of damnation. ..
like me against the dark universe.
i can't win, doessn't matter how lucid I am,
I can not create light in a world where eyes don't exist. .
And if they did..
i wouldn't dare open them.
The bridge breaks away.. .and floats into an oblvious dissonance

My dreams last night were bombarded by my X's..
I barely remember one. . .
it was good though..
the other....
not so much....
she let go of me. . she didn't care ne more...
it was terrible...
though they can sometimes be meaningless..
i think there was so truth to this one...
how could she forget.. . . . . .

I was like going donwn this huge spiral staircase..
it was crazy..
and fun....
there was a crazy foreign kid that was always causing trouble.
he tired to start a fight.. then he kicked someone in the face and ran away..
it was day time again ?
2 guys asked me to Jam....
i was all 'fo sha la'...
but I couldn't stop thinking about the X... hopeing she'd reapear as she often does in my dreams..
she never did.. ..
i soon awokened.....
once again left only with tattered images... I can't hold on much longer.. she dissapates a little more each night.. . . .
not much left... except a feeling... i don't comprehend..

my comp is broken.. . . .

s'been a long time. . .
i missed me too.. ..

ne ways..
whoa so many dreams. . .

I seem more interested in my non lucid dreams then lucid..
although.. i don't put much time in my lucids ne more.. . .
maybe tommmorow morning i'll give 'er

sleep paralysis is getting so crazy.. ...
it's unbelievable the things it ravels on me.. .

maybe tommorow i'll wanna settle down..
until tommorow i'l just keep moving on..

i had a lucid dream a couple weeks ago... .

i asked someone.. maybe einstein.. i dunno... . for something knowledgeable..
he gave me the question and answer.....
i think it was the meaning of life.. but i don't know..
i forget everything.. . .
i just remember it was something beyond profound that my waking mind could not keep contained.

what matters is... at least i know now.. there is an answer.. . .or question.. or meaning....
or all of the aforementioned... . . . pluralized ?

peace

german shepard vommiting silver tar.. .
he died,
then i gave him cpr and he came back to life

i had a dream
it wasn't lucid
i was in and out
been a while since i've been lucid in rem
hence my return
inspiration
aspirations
desperation
concentration
strong citations
or somethingtion?
friday the 13th dream
on september 11th
i was chased and broken
it was just a game
i tried climbing out the window
darknesss