Willowsidhe's Dream Journal

This is my first post here and I have been striving for lucidity for a few weeks now. About a year ago, I tried having lucid dreams and I was successful after only about two weeks, although I became so excited that I woke up immediately. That was a difficult time in my life and I didn't have much motivation to keep trying. Now, I'm back and I'm not giving up! I have managed to improve my dream recall four fold since trying various techniques; MILD and WBTB mostly. I've gone from remembering fragments of dreams to three - four per night. WBTB has really helped with this. Every night I go to bed knowing that I will have a lucid dream but no success yet. I know I'm close, though. :) It seems as though my subconscious mind is offering lucidity at every turn and my dream self is too dense to do a reality check at the appropriate time.
With all that being said, I have decided to keep an online dream journal. It may not be that exciting to everyone else but I think it will definitely help me out. I, of course, keep a bedside journal but I feel that it might help to have others give their insight and support on my journey towards lucidity.

12/24/2007 - My first dream journal entry.

I find myself inside a moving stone room. The walls are old and gray and i seem to be aware of heavy oak furniture scattered throughout the space. The room is narrow with a divider creating a small cubicle in the back left corner. I am aware of rugs and tapestries, red in color, although i can not see them clearly. I simply know that they are there. The cubicle in the back is my space, i know. I move to my space and i am aware of other people inhabiting the space beyond, although i do not know who they are. The room moves slowly and i can hear the sound of wheels creaking. I become aware that i am a part of some sort of caravan, such as puppeteers might travel in medieval times. I know it is an honor that i have my own private space within and i lookto my left to realize i have my own small window, no bigger than my head, to look out of.
I frantically tell someone, "Got to the back of the house. That is where he'll be." The stone caravan lurches to a halt and outside my window i see a house on a small hill. It is small and white with a latticed porch and stairs made of wood descending the hill. I can not decide if the wood is gray or golden but seems to be both at the same time and neither.
I become aware that i am holding a "cigarette" in my hand. I stick my head out small window along with my shoulder and arm to smoke it, as though i don't want the smoke to invade the caravan. As i bring it to my mouth, i look up at the house and through the lattice i see him.
M.N. (my unrequited love) stands leaning over some piece of furniture leering at me intently, with his own "cigarette" in hand. We inhale the smoke simultaneously and as i exhale, i smile up at him adoringly, and he back at me. I scramble to go to him and have to navigate around pieces of the heavy, oak furniture to find my way outside the caravan.
I do not recall going from inside to outside. I have simply come to be standing outside. I know that some of my companions from the caravan are there also. though who they are and how they came to be there i do not know. I never saw them directly, i only knew that they were there.
M.N. is sitting in a chair in a gravel driveway that i had not noticed before. I rush over to him, calling his name. I am only a few feet away but it seems a very long time before i reach him. He stands in a half-crouch to receive me. I throw my arms around him and move to kiss him but he holds me apart from him. He won't fully embrace me but i kiss his neck and run my hands over his body. I want to see his eyes but he keeps them turned from me. I realize then that he looks different. His lips are very thin, not like i remember. I have the feeling that he did this on purpose so i would not desire him. I become aware that the people from the caravan are watching us, waiting to see what we'll do next. I look down in shame that he won't return my affection and i remember no more.

12/26/2007

I am walking amongst a large group of people toward a cafeteria. I do not know if i am at school or work, only that it is time for lunch and we all travel to the same location. We all move along at a slow, lurching pace, like zombies or so much cattle.
I am aware of a girl walking beside me. She has short blond hair but her features are distorted. I cannot see her clearly but i know that she is my friend. She chatters constantly but i cannot recall anything she says or make sense of it. I continue to walk in silence for a long time as she talks nonsensically and waves her hands beside me.
We arrive at the building. I know we have arrived because we are suddenly inside. I do not recall seeing or physically moving from the outside to the inside.
I am now in a small side room where a buffet of spaghetti and garlic bread is set up on a stainless steel cart. I am standing to the left side of the cart with an empty plate in my hand. I look to the right and i see an old co-worker of mine, Leanna, standing beside me and filling her plate with spaghetti. "What are they feeding us today? Spaghetti?" i ask her. "I don't know. I haven't been out there yet," she replies. I look down at her plate and notice she had piled mushrooms on top of her garlic bread. I have the feeling that the spaghetti is not meant for us and our employer has arranged other food for us. I now am certain that i am on break from some menial job.
After this realization, i find myself in an outdoor pavillion. There is an ice cream cart and i am standing before it with the plate still in my hand. I am aware of other people lounging on pic nic tables and huddled in small together in small groups around the pavillion. I do not see them directly. I only sense that they are there.
I look down and realize that i have ice cream on my plate but i desparately want some whipped cream. I look to the ice cream cart but the plastic trays that i know should hold the whipped cream are empty. I look to the right and a teenage boy with sandy brown hair walks towards me and begins to fill the trays with whipped cream from an icing sleeve. I step back to allow him his work and i notice there are three trays in an L shape on the left side of the cart. They each have one narrow and deep compartment to the right of a wide and shallow compartment. The boy fills the deep ones only.
I go behind him as he fills them and judge his work. The first tray is filled with whipped cream that is too soft for my taste. The second tray could work but i wait for him to finish. Now i examine the third tray and find the whipped cream to be hard and frozen just as i like it. I dip some out onto my plate and i am suddenly aware that i am inside a building in the city. The ice cream cart is still in front of me. I look to the left and i can see lights out the window. I am many stories up. I am aware of people around me and i know somehow that they are all dressed as for a company christmas party. They drink champagne and wear shades of red. I do not turn my head towards them.

12/26/2007

I am walking down a gravel road. To the left of me is a grassy meadow separating the road from the sea on the other side. As i walk i am looking always to the left. I notice there are some houses on the grassy area between road and sea. I realize i have a camera in my hand and i begin to peer between the houses to the sea beyond. The sky is gray and it looks as though it has been raining. As i am looking, i see a wooden bridge spanning the ocean parallel to the road. Beyond it, i can see mountain tops and around it's base, large rocks as from a sea cliff.
The sun comes out and begins to shine on the bridge and rocks although the rest of the sky remains gray. I lose my breath for the beauty of the scene. I begin to snap pictures of the bridge. After a while, i turn around to travel back the way i came along the gravel road.
I walk past the houses and then past the meadow. I walk further in the same direction and now i can no longer see the sea. Beside the road is now a sparse forest. I put my camera to my eye and zoom in. The camera seems to be able to zoom far beyond the range of an ordinary camera. I look around the forest and my eye is drawn to the top of a tree. I see a great, orange cat and as soon as i look at it, it snarls at me, jumps down from the tree and disappears. I do not know what has become of it.
I walk further along the road, still looking through my camera and i see a red fox in the distance. He licks his nose, curls his tail around his feet where he sits and turns his head to look at me. I have a feeling that he is looking into my very soul. "It's a fox," i say.
Suddenly, my daddy is there although i cannot see him. I just know he is there, behind me. "You see a fox?" he asks. "Yes. I took two pictures of it," i say. I snap more pictures of the fox and then stop to watch my camera lense zoom back in to the camera.

NOTE: I have always believed my spirit animal would be a cat becasuse i love them so. However, in this dream the cat turned from me and a fox revealed itself. I believe i have found my spirit animal, the fox, and he fits me more perfectly than any other animal could. I will explore this more deeply at a later time. As he came to me once, i will hope he is willing to interact more fully - hopefully in a lucid dream.

12/27/2007

Two small boys are walking up the stairs of a great stone tower. They emerge in a circular stone room. There are windows covering half of the room opposite the stair entrance overlooking the sea. At a wooden desk sits Chade (a character from my favorite books), hands folded neatly in front of him on the wooden surface. There are scrolls and inkpots scattered on the desk but he is looking straight ahead awaiting the arrival of the boys. I seem to be watching the procession from the right side of the room, high above as though i am looking down on them. They are not aware of my presence.
As they approach, i know that the boy on the left is very important. I realize that a part of me is the boy even as a part of me watches him.
He stops before the desk and holds his hand palm down toward Chade. On the back of his hand is a silver circle. It reminds me of pewter and is carved intricately. I can not clearly see the symbols but i know that they are significant. I cannot decide if the circle is a part of the boy's hand or if he simply carries it on top of his hand.
In that moment, i fully become the boy and Chade leans over my hand to examine it. I know words are spoken but i cannot recall them or anything more after this.

12/29/2007

I enter a dimly lit bed chamber. It is lit as if by an aquarium light. There is a faint bluish-green cast to it. I cannot see my surroundings clearly although i feel they are cluttered by neglect. On the bed lies my beloved. He is curled in a ball, as is his way and staring straight ahead. His skin is very pale. I go to him and put my arms around him, gathering his beauty to my breast. I look up at his graceful neck and i see numbers tattooed there; very tiny numbers. It's difficult to read them but i make out a "1" and a "6". I make no remark about this but instead I say, "Do not leave me." I feel him stiffen in my arms. "I must," he says. "No! Please do not go!" i say frantically and he begins to weep in my arms. I am aware that more happens after this but i cannot recall it.

NOTE: This dream is very painful for me to recall. The person to whom i refer, i have been trying to dream of for quite some time. In fact, this is probably what motivated me to begin trying for lucid dreams, so that i may find closure with this person and heal a part of myself that desparately needs it. I left out many details of this dream here as they are much to personal to post publicly.

12/30/2007

I am laying on a full size bed with R and T (two of my old co-workers and one time friends, "R" is male and "T" female). I am on the left side, T in the middle and R on the right. R is wearing his uniform from the place we used to work together and is wrapped in a blue blanket. T seems sad but i dare not ask her what's the matter. I look at R and say to him, "Every time i dream of the place we worked together, you are always there. You and T. You are like my dream constants." R smiles knowingly at me and seems pleased with my comment. I feel sure that the secret feelings i have always had for him are evident on my face so i turn to T. (NOTE: I have had a crush on R for years but he is gay and in a committed relationship so my chances were pretty slim.) She smiles a bit sadly and i go on, "Sometimes Leanna is there but not always. You guys are always there."
R is lying on his side facing us still wrapped in the blanket. T is partially reclined with her back against the wall. Her hands are constantly fidgeting and she seems deep in thought. I am sitting up cross-legged, facing them. The room we are in is warm and honey-colored. There are wood panels on the wall and carpet that doesn't seem to have been vacuumed for a while. R rests his head on his hand and looks at T. "So, are you still with E.M.?" She nods sadly. I ask her who E.M. is and if it's someone i know. She says i know them but she doesn't want to tell me who it is.
I feel jealous that she shares this secret with R as i ever was of their closeness. I dare not pry so i say, "Things aren't going well between you?" She shakes her head and seems to grow even sadder. "I'm sorry," i say and touch her arm comfortingly. She lies down completely on the bed.
Things grow quiet for a moment and i suddenly say, "Chad and i got back together and he dumped me again." They look at me incredulously. (NOTE: Chad is my husband who left me for another a couple years ago, around the same time that my friendship with R and T was strong.) "Well, not actually back together," i say. "We just started sleeping together again and then i found out he hadn't broken it off with her. I don't know why he didn't tell me. Maybe because he knew i wouldn't sleep with him if he hadn't. The whole time she was waiting for him just down the street. While he told her he was going to his friend's house, he was coming to me."
T looked at me and said, "Your daddy's going to get mad if he finds out all the shit chad's done to you."
"He's already said he'll kill him if he ever sees him again," i reply.
R made a noise in his throat and i became aware that he is just as beautiful and perfect as always. T's hair seems darker and thinner than i remember, but she is still beautiful.
I break the reflective silence by lying on my back, bringing my hands to my face and saying, "His girlfriend had the nerve to come to my door. I wanted to crush her face with my fists, i did. But, i didn't. All she wanted to talk about was blah, blah, blah and i just didn't wanna hear it." As i said this, there was a clear picture of A (the girl my husband left me for) in my mind. I do not think either of my companions replied to this inane statement.
I look over at them and R is turned away from us, still wrapped in the blanket. His tall, slender form is outlined admirably.
I stand, sort of, with my feet flat on the bed and my hands flat on the bed. I am in a sort of bent-over position. I looked at my feet and realized i was wearing some horribly ugly jeans that looked like they had been stone washed. I started to jump up and down, still keeping my hands flat against the bed. Each time i landed, the mattress made a strange sound.
"That's the mattress, just so you know, not me." A second went by and then R burst into laughter, ever the fan of my ribald humor.
He turned back toward us and poked his head out of the blanket, smiling adorably. I thought his teeth were brilliant. This is as much as i can recall.

NOTE: I made an affirmation to myself before sleeping that i would have a lucid dream this night. I believe the talk of R and T always being in my dreams was another offer of lucidity. I was simply not aware enough to realize it at the time.

12/31/2007

I arrive home with my room mate "D" and realize as i am walking in the door that we asked our friends to watch the house for us while we were gone. I look out the kitchen window and see that someone has built a fire in the backyard and is in the process of building a small train track that goes outside the fence and curves back around toward the house.
I start to protest what i see to D but he shrugs it off and continues talking to his friends. I go to the kitchen table and pour myself some Brandy. As i stand there drinking, more and more people arrive at my house. It soon turns into a large party and i stop caring about the consequences.
It's starting to get dark outside and i walk down the stairs and around the side of the house with someone's supporting arm around my shoulder. I still have my drink in hand and i am enjoying watching everyone else have fun.
I'm not sure how or why it happened, but the party is moving down town (NOTE: down town is what we call the place in my city where everyone goes to hang out. It's a big tourist attraction as we have bath houses and theatre and shops, etc.). I decide that i really don't want to go with it but instead would like to stay at home.
Patricia and Heather, my childhood friends, are there and say they would like to stay with me. I am ecstatic about spending some time with them and assure them that i will drive them home in the morning as my headlights don't work. Patricia says she will drive them home.
I separate from them for a moment and chad approaches me. He tells me he would really like to go to the down town party and i begin to pout. He is looking up at me and his head is upside down. He looks strange and not at all as attractive as i remember him.
I say to him, "We have been through this before and it is better that i let you go. Only promise me that you won't cheat on me." He says, "I promise i will not cheat on you." Then he kisses my mouth.
"You will," i say, "Because this has happened before but please, don't do it in front of other people. That's humiliating." He looks stricken for a fraction of a second but already his head is turning towards the departing guests.
"I won't," he says again, kisses me softly and then he is gone.
Then D is there, saying, "Call me at 10:00."
"10:00?" i ask, "Is that going to be enough time?"
"Yeah," he says, "I've got to work sometime between 10 and midnight."
The next thing i remember, i am inside a house, a duplex rather. It is not the same house i was in before but i do not question the fact that D and i live here. I look up and he is walking away from me, wearing only a pair of khaki pants.
I look over and see a digital clock with green numbers. It says 10:49.
I say, "It's 10:49! You're late!"
He says, "No, i've got plenty of time." He picks up a towel and i realize that to shower we have to walk down a hill to a sort of bath house.
I don't recall going there or being there at all, only coming back.
We have no clothes, only towels. "Don't worry," i say, "There's no one on the road. Let's just hurry before we get arrested for public nakedness."
I have my towel on my head and nothing covering my body. As i say this, i scramble behind a dumpster beside a convenience store. I stop to rest behind the dumpster but D races ahead of me to make it inside before anyone sees him.
I notice two people coming around the right side of the building, toward the right door of the duplex. One has something in his arms. I take the towel down from my hair and wrap it around my body to cover myself. I walk up to the door and make it inside before the other two people.
Inside my livingroom, directly across from the entry door, there is a small doorway leading to a hallway. To the right of the hallway door, there are three large windows that open into the other apartment. The first one is open and the second two are closed. I can see the entry door to the other apartment opens to the kitchen.
It opens and in walk a man and a younger boy. The boy holds a puppy in his arms. Somehow, the puppy wriggles loose and makes it over into my apartment.
In the hallway doorway is a pile of discarded wrapping paper. The puppy jumps on it and starts to play. The man makes an apologetic remark that i can't recall and asks the boy to go get the puppy.
I inch back against the wall, aware that i am still wearing only a towel, as the boy comes through to my apartment.
I do not know how he got through. It had to be through the window but i don't recall seeing him come. He is just there in front of me and then he reaches down for the puppy. I remember no more after this.

01/04/2008

I am waiting tables at the restaurant where i used to work. I've grown tired of my boring at-home job and decide to give this place another chance. This time R and T, who are always in my dreams of this place are not here.
I am waiting on a father and daughter sitting in the back right corner. I think it is her birthday as there are some nearly deflated balloons on the table; the silver kind with writing on them you buy at the grocery store.
I ask if she would like a refill of her diet coke. She nods yes and i think she is reading a book as she does so.
I grab her glass and move towards the soda machine, realizing that there is a man at one of my tables waiting for a server. "I'll be right there," i say and he nods at me.
I refill the girl's glass but when i bring it back to her table, she and her father are rising to leave. "Here's your refill," i say and she replies, "Bring me a to-go cup."
I turn to do as she asks but i am having a lot of trouble with the cups. I finally manage to get one down and get back to the table but she and her father are not there. I have a feeling they are at the register and i must hurry to get to them in time.
I look down at the table and there is a huge book of some kind made entirely of newsprint-type paper. I open it and inside is a thick chocolate goo that starts to run out on to the table.
I pick it up (the book) and try to pour the chocolate into the to-go cup in my hand, thinking she must want to take this with her. But it wouldn't go in and i tore the side of the cup.
I decided i would go to the hot chocolate machine and fill the cup with chocolate for her. I held the cup up to the spout but i couldn't get it filled all the way. I fill it to about 3/4 of the way up and say aloud to someone next to me, "If she's gone by the time i finish this, i'll be pissed."
I watch the cocoa machine try and try to spit out more chocolate but finally give it up. I went to the table to get the lid and i see the girl's name written on the balloons there. It has the letters "A" and "I" in it but that's all i can recall.

01/04/2008

I am going to be a an elementary school teacher and i find myself walking up a grassy hill toward an old, shoddy building that i take for a school. There are children playing in a yard and suddenly a woman is walking ahead of me. She has on a long denim skirt and an ugly sweater i would imagine a teacher wearing. It is "N" my instructor from my last class in real life. I can not see her face but she spoke rather harshly and i can tell from her Indian accent that it is her.
She bent to pick something up from the ground and i thought to myself it might be good for the children to have a firm hand. With her as a teacher, they certainly would.
She continues walking and disappeared into the building. I remain outside. I realize i am standing on an old porch and i look to the right. I see several small boys in a little enclosure. "Are you the class?" i ask and some nod yes. "Are there no girls in this class?" i ask.
One of the boys replies, "Only one. She's up by the road."
I turn around and see a small dark-skinned girl with pig tails in a blue frock standing by the road.
One of the boys says, "She's all alone. Once Eddie is gone, it's like a part of her is missing." I have the feeling that Eddie is her brother and i feel sorry for her.
I make my way up the hill and realize she is standing on the other side of a large, red pick up truck. It seems to take a very long time for me to find my way around it.
Finally, i meet her and i have the feeling that she had been talking to someone just before i arrived. There are some older boys walking down the road from her and i am sure one of them is Eddie, although i cannot see them. I only sense that they are there.
I do not recall if we spoke at that point but we walk together back toward the building.
"I am the teacher's aid and we will be good friends," i tell her. She smiles at me and the other children gather around us. There are only 8 or 10 of them and i think to myself it is a rather small class.
The boys ask me, "Who are you?"
"I am the teacher's oooood," i say akwardly. They laugh and i say, "I mean, teacher's aid."
They laugh and poke fun at my speech for a while and that's all i can remember.

01/04/2008

I am riding in a car, in the backseat on the left side. Beside me is my best friend from adolescense, Jennifer J. We are going past a liquor store alight with many neon signs.
The next thing i remember, we are in a cluttered house with blue carpet. Jennifer is laying under a black blanket on the couch and i am sitting cross-legged on the floor next to her.
J.E. walks in from an adjacent room with a bag of candies in her hand and talks to Jennifer as though she were her daughter. (NOTE: J.E. is the mother of another of my adolescent friends named Jennifer but this is the wrong one. I didn't perceive this at the time of my dream.)
J.E. gives us each one of the candies. They are in a clear package with red writing on it. J.E. says something about how eating them will keep you regular.
I tasted mine and thought that it tasted like peanut butter flavored chocolate. As i eat, i look around the room and think to myself that it's not as dirty as Jennifer's house used to be.
The next thing i remember is Jennifer looking up at me as she sits on a toilet. She laughs and i think she looks prettier than i have ever seen her.

01/04/2008

I am in a school and Patricia, my best friend from childhood, is there. She has a bottle of large purple pills. We are sitting in a circle in a classroom and she is passing out small packets of them, wrapped in cellophane, to everyone. There are other people sitting in the circle but i cannot see them clearly. I only sense that they are there.
When she finishes, she says, "Does everyone have some?" My purse is on my lap and i dig into it and pull out my packet of pills. "I have mine," i say. I inspect the pills and see they have a sell-by date printed on them. For some reason, i assume they are midol.
The next thing i remember, i am walking down the hall with my pills in hand and i stop to look to my right. There is a yellow piece of paper hanging on a bulletin board. It says "Class at 6:10 AM" with a list of names below it. I try to read the names and i find mine and Patricia's. I also see Jennifer J's from my previous dream, but the rest are hard to make out. I think to myself that 6:10 is pretty early for a class but i am glad my friend's will be there.
I continue walking down the hall and go into a room to the left. There is an older woman there and she is spreading out a table cloth over a table.
Someone else is there asking if they can cancel the 6:10 class. I decide it is a bad time to be in the room and go back out into the hallway.
I eventually make my way outside and start walking down the street.
Patricia is in front of me with a glass of water in her hand. I get the feeling there is someone riding a bicycle to the right of us, on the sidewalk.
I look down and realize i still have my pills in my hand and i want to take them.
"Will they fuck you up?" i ask Patricia. She looks at me and smiles and nods knowingly. I think it is strange that Patricia would take any type of drug but reached up to take the glass of water from her anyway.
I lifted it to my mouth and then woke up.

NOTE: Before bed i read about someone taking "lucidity pills" to improve clarity while in a lucid dream. Once again, i missed this obvious sign.

01/05/2008

I am in some sort of school when i walk outside and up a hill on the sidewalk. As i am walking, a man in a car drives up and stops beside me. I know him well although at the time, i can't really make out who he is. He says, "You don't have to do this if you don't want to." I don't recall if i replied but it seemed ridiculous that i would refuse to go with him.
I got into the car and it seemed he was going very fast. He says, "They went and got themselves struck by lightning."
"Who?" i ask.
"A narc," he says.
"Did they drive a little, blue Geo?" i ask.
He shrugged his shoulders and i say, "Oh, i see. You aren't supposed to tell. I guess I'll see when we get there."
We continue driving up hill and to the left side in the distance the view is of large mountains in the spring or early summer.
He suddenly turns to the the right into a parking lot. In the right far corner of the lot is a big wooden ladder that leads to a wooden platform built on to the tree branches. On the platform, which reminds me suspiciously of a treehouse, is parked a blue volkswagon beetle, the old style. I know instantly that this is the car we are seeking, the "geo" i had called it.
Instead of stopping in the lot, the man speeds up and we seem to drive right up the wooden ladder toward the car. He smashes into it hard and we both fly out into the street. I land several feet away from the man and soon realize i am not really hurt although i feel like there is something wrong with my feet and i cannot walk. I decide i will roll instead so i roll over to the driver and say, "Are you okay?"
He didn't respond so i grope at him frantically and say, "It's okay. We aren't really hurt."
I think to myself that it's no wonder he told me i didn't have to do this if i didn't want to. I felt he knew he was going to do this all along and didn't tell me.
I decide to moan a little for show in case anyone is watching. My vocalizations stirred the man and he begins to thrash about. I roll over to him and put my arms around him. "It's okay," i say.
He seems to be regaining consciousness and from the trees to the right, beyond the lot, my dog, Siouxsie, steps out. At least, it looks like her but i instantly know it is not as she snarls and tries to bite me.
I scream, "Siouxsie, I have always loved you!"
This seems to enrage her even more and she begins to attack the man.
I suddenly have in hand a red and white afghan, much like the one chad (my husband whom i am separated from) brought with him to our first apartment together. I wrap it around me and it somehow conceals me from the dog's attacks.
Something happens here that i cannot recall in which Siouxsie turns into chad, who turns into some demon-creature with red eyes and fangs. I also come to realize that the man i am with is chris, chad's brother.
The next thing i remember, i am at my mama's house. Chris and chad are locked in my mom's bedroom and i am telling her, "Something strange happened to me and chris and chad up on that mountain."
Then, i go to to the bedroom door and knock. Chris lets me in. The demon that is chad lunges at me, hissing and spitting. I wrestle him to the ground, surprised at how easily i am able to subdue him.
I put my arms around him and say, "Chad, i have always loved you."
I feel him relax a bit in my arms and i think i might be getting to him.
I say, "Remember all those times we had together?"
He goes into a frenzy at this and starts trying to attack me again. I easily fight him off and i am now laying on my back with my hands gripping his and my feet straight up in the air kicking his stomach over and over.
Chris comes over and gets him off of me and holds him back so i can depart the room.
I realize at that moment that Chris is holding a shotgun in his hand.
"Kill it," i say, "There's nothing left of Chad in there."
I leave the room and describe to my mama in detail what happened in the room. I say, "I told him to kill it. There's no more chad left."
My stepfather, James, says "That's what i say. I say kill it only i'd like to have my gauge pointed right at it." He makes motions with his hands like he's holding a shotgun and then i woke up.

NOTE: This dream was very vivid and revealing to me. I went to bed at around 11:30 and woke up at 12:58 to immediately record it.

01/05/2008

This dream is very fragmented.
The first thing i can remember, i am standing around a pic-nic table with other girls my age and one older woman whom i think is the mother to some of them. We are smoking a "cigarrette" and the youngest girl standing next to the other woman says, "Ripped!" All of them begin laughing hysterically at this and i just stare at them and giggle a little.
The older woman looks at me critically and says, "She doesn't get it."
"No," i say, "But it's fun to laugh anyway."
The next thing i remember, we're all inside and drinking heavily. Something happened prior to this that i can't recall in which the older woman gave me a pin that plays rolling stones songs and has a red stone set into it. I have lost this pin and i feel very uncomfortable about it.
And out of nowhere, Sammy (My good friend from my late teens and sometimes lover), is standing there wearing only a bra. I hear a rolling stones song start to play from her bra and she pulls out my pin. I know that she didn't steal it from me but she was keeping it safe.
I start to pin it back on to my shirt when the older woman says, "Now you owe me two thousand, one for the ring and one for the pin." I suddenly know that she has given Sammy a ring and me another pin and they were stolen.
"They were both stolen on the same night," Sammy says. I wonder aloud who would do such a thing.
The next thing i remember, Sammy and i are in a bedroom. Where the bed should be is just four posts with a sheet over the top, making a sort of tent. I suddenly realize i am pretty intoxicated and go lay down under the sheet. For some reason, i reach into my pocket and pull out a dollar. I give it to Sammy and say, "Can you go get us a coke?"
"I already did," she says, "I've got regular and strawberry flavored."
She then comes to lay beside me and i kiss her. She kisses me back very passionately and i begin to run my hands over her body. I reach under her shirt and grab her hips. Her skin is very soft and i say, "I have been with many women but none have i found as attractive as you."
She kisses me harder and i suddenly feel unworthy of the love of someone so beautiful, so i get up and leave the room.
I do not know how long i was gone or where i went, only that i changed my mind and came back into the room.
Once inside, i find Sammy lying on a huge bed where the tent used to be. I look around the room and notice all of her things are neatly packed into suitcases. I become alarmed at the sight and go to her. She has her back to me.
"Sammy?" i ask. She turns and tears are streaming down her cheeks.
"I am leaving, Cindy," she says to me.
"No!" i say and crawl into bed with her. "I love you as no other," i say to her, "Please do not leave me."
I hold her in my arms and reassure her of my love.
I finally convince her not to leave me and then the dream changes.

01/05/2008

I am in the bedroom that Sammy and I shared in my previous dream but i am no longer myself and Sammy is gone.
I am in love with a man who is very old and i am on a mission to get his youth back for him so we can be together physically and spiritually.
He is a tall, thin man with tanned skin and white hair.
There is a tv in the room and on the floor in front of it is a blue and white quilt. I tell him to sit in the center of the quilt and i turn on the tv screen.
On the screen, is a young, handsome, native-american man. He is wearing a head dress and a garment of soft leather. He is laying down and surrounded by blue nothingness the color of the sky.
I speak to him but i do not recall the exact words. I only know that i told him i want the old man's youth back and he tells me to be sure this is what i want because it cannot be undone.
I assure him i want it and he begins to grow older before my eyes. I look at the old man and he begins to disappear slowly. I know that the indian man is giving up his youth to the old man.
I go to him and say, "Wait for me! I will come after you!"
He is slipping through the quilt and i know it is some sort of portal that will transport him somewhere safe where we can be together. He finally fades away completely and i jump into the quilt-portal after him.
I am transported to some sort of horse stable. I do not see my old man but a young, beautiful man comes out of a door, carrying a bale of hay.
He is wearing a blue dress. Someone behind me says, "How can a real drag-queen be so beautiful?" The young man laughs, shakes his head and says, "I like my layers." He then throws a bale of hay onto the loft and i remember no more of this dream.

01/05/2008

I am in the grocery store in the produce department. I look over and see chad and A (My husband and the girl he left me for) picking out fruit. I stop and stare at them and when chad notices me he stops in his tracks and looks at me with his mouth slightly open as though he is shocked. I don't talk to them at first but continue my grocery shopping.
I'm not sure what happens next but the next thing i remember, the three of us are in some hotel room and i am saying to A, "I hate you, you know? I have often dreamed of doing you physical harm."
She nods and says, "Me too."
The next thing i remember, i am laying on the floor next to a bed and the two of them are on the bed. chad is on the edge next to me and A is on the other side of him next to the wall. They are under a black blanket. I reach up and grab chad's hands and pull him down to me.
We are entwined intimately with him on top of me. I say, "I just want to know how you are."
He strokes my hair and weeps and says, "I am okay, baby. I'm doing okay."
I am touched by his gentleness and i begin to weep. We hold each other that way for a few more minutes and then A reaches down and pulls him up from me.
I sit up and say, "I've got dreadlocks."
chad says, "Yeah, but they don't even look like dreads."
I say, " I know but that's because they're babies."
I shake my head and realize there is a rubberband on the end of each of them, as there were when they were new. I look at him and say, "I saw Dave and Melissa. I've got lots of hippie friends."
The next thing i remember, i decide to go to sleep on the floor. I awaken after a time and look up. I don't see them on the bed but i think there is no way they could have left without waking me so i go back to sleep.
I wake again and sit up. I look at the bed and realize they have gone. I notice they left behind chad's wallet, their shoes, belts and anything else that might make noise while they were walking.
In the corner of the room amongst other discarded items are my favorite pants that i made with the red panels in the sides. I just realized A had been wearing them and i am furious. I think, "How dare she wear the pants i made with my own hands."
I walk over to them and realize they are not my pants, but only very similar to them. I decide to steal them since i know they won't be coming back.
The next thing i remember, i am saying to my room mate D, "They actually left behind their shoes and wallets so they wouldn't wake me up. Can you believe that? Like i would follow them or something."
I remember no more.

01/05/2008 - This dream has themes of an adult nature.

I am having some sort of sleep over with my girlfriends in my bedroom. Jennifer E. was there as well as my older and younger brothers. There is a young, pretty girl there with long, black hair. She couldn't have been more than 13 years old. My older brother, C, and the girl with the black hair decide they will take a bath together in my tub. This seems perfectly reasonable to me and so the two of them hopped in and Jennifer crouched at the left end of the tub, watching them.
My younger brother and i are laying on my bed watching a movie with a wide-open view of the bath tub. I cannot say how we were watching the movie, as we are facing the wall and not the tv.
I look over towards the bath tub and realize C and the young girl are explicity having sex. I say, "Hey! Can you guys stop it? My little brother is right here!"
Of course, upon my saying this, my little brother looks over at them but they don't stop, they just change positions.
I become increasingly annoyed that they won't stop and get up to force them apart. I stalk over to the tub and start splashing them, saying, "Stop it! Damnit, Stop!"
Eventually, they cease and i realize that the girl is extremely intoxicated and i almost feel sorry for her. Then, that passes and i become angry again.
She gets out of the tub and stumbles toward my trash can to be sick.
C follows her and they are both completely naked. I remember thinking that my brother looks extremely tall when he's naked. (Yes, i realize this is creepy but it was a dream.)
I grabbed my hula hoop, which sits near the bathroom entrance and hit him on the ass with it. "I can't believe you would do something like this!" i yell at him.
He looks at me and says, "I can't leave her," in his gentle way. He has a worried expression on his face.
I get between them and push him forcefully back into the bedroom. I grab her and put her back in the tub. She slides down under the water and i pull her up by her hair. I begin splashing her and saying, "You're a dirty whore!" over and over again. C looks on worriedly from the bedroom.
Suddenly Jennifer E. is there with me and she is laughing and splashing the girl. I look at her in disgust and say, "We don't have to be cruel to her."
I am suddenly afraid that she might drown so i gather her naked body in my arms and call for C to bring a towel.
As i wrap her in it, i say, "Even though i do not like you and you are not welcome in my home ever again, i shall not be cruel to you."
C is tucking the towel around the front of her and he says, "No, you aren't cruel at all." I don't know if he meant it to be sarcastic or not.
I take her into a corner where my bedroom meets the bathroom and lay her down on an air mattress that is sitting on an incline with her head towards the wall. I say,"You will sleep here tonight and i will get you home in the morning."
My other guests are all watching this exchange and they laugh uproariously at this statement. It annoys me that they would so mock my kindness and so i turn my back on them in defiance.
I hear a knock at my bedroom door and when i turn around there are two large teenage boys walking in carrying a sort of litter.
They pick up a small boy from somewhere on my bedroom floor, place him on the litter and walk out again.
I hear my little sister say, "Oh my God! If they find out we've been smoking, we'll be dead!"
I glance around the room and see that all evidence of smoking and drinking has been removed except for an ash tray with a smoking cigarrette in it sitting beside my older brother's head. I think this will be okay because he's an adult. (Why i didn't realize that i am also an adult, i don't know.)
I look down at the ash tray and the cigarrette falls out of it disappears.
My brother lay looking up at me and grinning as if nothing strange had happened. I suddenly realize that the fat teenage boys will be coming back for the black-haired girl. I go to her and she is in the same place i left her only she under an end table.
I crawl under the table and shake her. "Hey! Wake up!" i say, "These people are here for you."
"I know," she replies. She stands up but she is no longer the black-haired girl but a small boy. The boy is still as drunk as the girl was and i am scared the fat boys will hurt us if they think i let a child get drunk.
The boy looks up at me and says, "I'm thinking snacks." He is then standing in the bathroom doorway throwing pretzels in the air and catching them in his mouth.
I walk over to my bedroom door and open it, looking out. It isn't my house that I'm looking at but someone else's. There are children sleeping in sleeping bags completely covering the floor fo what looked to be a large kitchen.
"Who are all these people?" i ask and close the door.
"What people?" C asks of me.
"Out there," i say, "There are hundreds of them."
He didn't say anything but i felt like he didn't believe me.
"Get over here and look for yourself," i say.
He walks up to the door and i open it but now there are just a few kids standing around. I see the little boy the fat teenagers took from my room earlier and then the boy that was once the black-haired girl runs past me and out the door to go to him.
I curse and run out after them. I am soon running through a huge mansion with children everywhere. I stop at a table and pick up some crackers topped with cream cheese and stuff them in my mouth. I continue running after the boys and i run past a huge room filled with presents wrapped in blue and white paper. "Joey" from the show "Full House" is guarding the door. He says something to me about how he must guard the presents at all costs.
I keep running and the next room i come to, Joey is standing in the door way again. This time, he is offering me some cream-cheese crackers from a tray he is holding.
I push past him into the room and see the little boys running towards a huge, lush bed with red and gold coverlets. "We lost two of our little ones from the back," i say to Joey over my shoulder.
When i look back the boys were no longer boys but Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen from Full House. I wake up.

NOTE: This dream was the result of an afternoon nap. I fell asleep around 5:30 and woke at 7:00 to record it.

01/06/2008 - I had a very hard time going to sleep this night but i knew 100% that i would become lucid.

I am sitting in my bed with a deck of cards, shuffling them. I'm explaining to someone that it can't be a coincidence that everytime i shuffle the cards and draw one, it's the same card.
"I must be doing something right," i say aloud.
I look around and realize there is no one in my room so i shrug it off put the cards on the floor. I notice there is a little cardboard cut out of sponge bob square pants next to where i put the cards down but that doesn't seem out of the ordinary for some reason.
I then look down beside me on the bed and my dream journal is opened to a blank page. There is a strange, diamond shaped black and white face looking up at me from the page. This is when I start to question my reality. I think, "Hey, wait a minute. Faces aren't supposed to look that way." It didn't occur to me that it might be strange for a face to be looking out of my dream journal. I only knew that faces are not supposed to be diamond shaped.
I now look straight ahead of me and my digital alarm clock is sort of floating in the air in front of the bed. I knew at that instant that i was dreaming but i turned my head from the clock and back again just to be sure. The first time i looked at the clock the numbers said 2:07. When i turned my head, the numbers sort of went with me, like seeing a tracer when you're on acid. I moved my head really fast back toward the clock and this time the numbers were all a blurry mess. I think, "It's a dream! It's a dream!" and instantly wake up, my heart racing as if i had just ran a marathon. (This could have been a false awakening. I can't be sure.)
I didn't move a muscle or open my eyes. I realized what had just happened and I thought, "I'm going back, damnit!"
After a few minutes, i looked over and my dream journal is on the opposite side of the bed, opened. This time, the face looking out at me is the same as before only it's peach-colored. "I'm back!" i thought and instantly woke up again.

NOTE: When i woke up from this dream, my clock said 2:10 so i believe that at the time my dream clock said it was 2:07, it really was 2:07. Strange.
Also, my dream control sucks! I couldn't stay lucid for more than a few seconds. I hope i have more chances to work on my control. I was so excited and a little bit scared when i finally realized i was dreaming and i just couldn't hold it together.