I had some truly bizarre dreams last night. Of course, as usual, my dog woke me up this morning lol so I'm very surprised I remember them.
I dreamed I was in a large house I often dream about. It was located where my grandmother used to live. I was with some other people in a basement.
The first thing I really remember was a little door in a wall similar to the one that's in my hubby's basement in life- only smaller. There were screws in the door to keep it shut and I'm uncertain as to whether I wanted to open it or keep it closed. I was trying to keep the others away though. I left and went outside. I was trying to keep my hubby out of the basement and away from the door but I was also scared of him and avoiding him. The RV I currently live in, in life, was in the yard. He went into the house and into the basement. He had no trouble opening the little door. From the room, he removed the liquidfied (sp) remains of several people. He was trying to conceal a crime.
Next thing I recall was talking on the phone with him. He was taking the RV somewhere and was asking questions about it's maintainence. He was also disappointed because he gave me plenty of times to make copies of some paperwork. I finally confessed that both the furnaces were broken, the outside tank was almost empty of propane, the water tank or line had frozen, the water pump had likely burned up, and I hadn't canceled phone service to the Farm [our country home in life]. I explained I hadn't wanted to trouble him, that I was getting of heat from the stove and oven. Then I realized it was almost 5 o'clock, so I rushed off to a store to make copies of the paperwork. I started to leave through the large gate of my grandmothers yard and several dogs passed by me.
Then, it seems as though I entered another dream... I was in a time long forgotten, with a group of people I don't recall actually seeing for the most part (as in the first dream as well)., or perhaps I've simply forgotten them. We were making a secret journey using extreme stealth, and our preparation was rushed. I couldn't find anything to wear. I took a simply but beautiful band for my my head. But then I put on pants that had one of the legs cut off in shorts. Someone told me I wasn't going to wear those and I laughed it off, saying I wasn't being serious and I rushed off to find something else. I don't know what I chose but I wanted also to wear some sort of bandanna but a woman said it would look better worn as an extension at the back of my head and asked if there were any beads and thread so she could weave it on. There wasn't and we hadn't the time for such things anyhow.
We left and the next thing I recall was sneaking up on a bad guy and throwing a sack over his head and holding his hands behind him. He could use magic and it was extremely important that he couldn't see or use his hands. We wrestled on the ground for a long time. Then he somehow changed and I changed somehow as well. He was holding himself up with a probiscus (sp) of some sort and then other creatures appeared and snapped them off. He was in excruciating pain and I felt pity for him.
Then the dream changed again, or perhaps it's a fragment from one of the other two dreams. I was sitting outside with a preacher and a woman. We were talking about the things that give us strength and what we look forward to. I started talking about how I looked forward to the Bible's promise being fulfilled when the righteous and unrighteous would be resurrected, given the opportunity to learn the truth about God and have the prospect of living forever on a Paradise Earth. The Preacher respectfully said nothing. He had similar but different beliefs. The woman, however, became extremely angry. She started talking about how such things are NOT in the Bible and how my dreams were impossible and stupid. I let her rant and when she was in a better mood, I gingerly explained myself more. I told her the verses in the Bible where such promises could be found. Then she started tearing Jehovah's Witnesses apart, saying we let the Watchtower magazines explain and define our beliefs. I explained the magazines were nothing more than study tools. Like educational worksheets on specific topics which were entirely Bible based and Scripturally sound. Then she started to bash God and said the Bible's inconsistent. She gave us topics to look up in the book of Exodus that spoke of God having non-believers killed and how slavery was acceptable ect. She said we would meet back in a week with our findings.
Then I started to have another dream. It was being narrated by someone but I could see what was being said. Someone on a train had been against someone else in power. So he was placed on the rails of the track on a bridge and strapped to it. No one knew he was missing until they later found his severed head. And they knew it was him because he was the most beautiful man in the known world, with long hair and an unusual complexion.
The part I actually saw was him strapped to the tracks and the lights from the incoming train, and him screaming.
Then I woke up.
Interpretations:
The first one is actually easy. The basement represents things about myself that I want to protect by keeping other people away. It's been a recurring theme lately so it definitely relates to my current mental state which is an absolute mess filled with suicidal ideations, self-loathing and self-injury. I don't want such things known by people I interact with. But I had to take that stupid pschycological/parenting test and I was unforgivably honest for it and he included information that does NOT pertain to the case and he implied wouldn't be revealed but he did. So now Child Protective Services know all of my secrets and I'm certain they'll try to use them against me even though he did recommend that I get my children back for the trial period. I requested a copy of his results to be mailed to me and I read all 15 pages and my hubby read the last portion with me though I wish he hadn't. Thankfully, he didn't see the first part which states I currently use self-injury but he wants a copy of the paperwork.
The dead bodies hubby removed were those secrets.
The part of the RV is because when we returned from our trip, such was the case. But I don't want anyone around me and I don't want to disrupt hubby's already chaotic schedule by telling him the extent of work that needs done. He worries about me using the stove/oven for heat because I could die. But, frankly, I don't care if I die or not but it hasn't killed me yet and I seriously doubt it will, so I continue to use those as my heat source.
The part about the phone and the Farm is because I feel guilty that I still haven't discontinued service even though I've not lived there for two months now. I HAVE to do that today!!!
The part about the dogs is likely because my dog was probably barking.
I talked to my hubby on the phone because that's usually (and sadly) how we communicate.
The dream took place at my grandmothers because that's the only place I've been the most happy for the longest period of time and I felt safe there except for a pervy uncle. So while the overall theme of the dream was keeping myself distanced and safe from people, the truth of the matter is- I don't care what people know or don't know about me. I'll be okay and happy in the end- which shows that even when I'm sad, anxious and even suicidal, I'm optimistic lol. I KNOW problems don't last forever, even if I do seem to feel otherwise at times.
The second dream was likely inspired from watching 5 episodes of "The Seeker" last night. I usually don't watch shows that are magic-themed because of my religious beliefs and I felt guilty while watching them. I also found the outfit of the female character extremely unrealistic. It's long and flowing. If someone wore something like that while horseback riding or sword fighting, the clothes would be snagged on the trees or used against her in battle.
Wrestling with the magician was me wrestling with my conscience. His being snapped apart and my feeling sorry for him, represents that I need to stop watching the show even if I don't want to lol.
The part about his hands being bound came from an episode directly. The part about the sack over his head is my needing to stopping watching.
The third dream reinforces the interpretation of the second. In it, I was sharing my religious beliefs with others. The Preacher represents my apathetic side. A lot of Preachers in other religions "tickle the ears" of the flock because they don't want to lose membership. To such Preachers, it doesn't matter what a person does or believes so long as they try to be good people. It shows the direction I'm heading. I started smoking again as soon as I returned from my trip and read the results of the stupid test. I started cutting again after that as well. I watched the show with the magic theme. All of which are against the beliefs I hold very dear to my heart. But I'm overwhelmed right now, kicked out from socializing with my congregation and lacking a support system, so I'm drifting further away from God. The Preacher represents that part of myself that doesn't care.
The woman represents the problems themselves. At first she attacked my beliefs. But I returned with sound reasonings so she went on to attack God. Exodus, in brief, means to leave. Because all of us accepted the challenge of looking up information in the Bible and agreed to return with our findings, it shows I have some soul searching to do. I am tormented in my spiritually disapproved state but I don't think I'm strong enough or determined enough to put my life in order. Am I for God or against God? There is no fence. It's a joke among Jehovah's Witnesses that Satan owns the fence. Either you accept God and do what he wants to the best of your ability, or you don't.
I need to get off my butt and decide one way or the other.
Which, for me, can only mean I get my life in order. My spirituality defines the very essence of who I am. If I lose that, I die. And as suicidal as I currently am (off and on), this is an issue I need to take most seriously.
As for the last dream.... it was interrupted, so there is no interpretation.
Now, I think, I'll go back to sleep lol.
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