Thread: Zhaylin's Dreamlog

Night before last I only got a couple hours sleep and didn't recall the dreams because I woke up too quickly for Court.
Last night I tossed and turned and couldn't recall my dreams when I woke up at 7:30.
I smoked a cigarette and told myself: "I don't care what I dream about, just please remember them," and I went back to sleep.

In the first, I dreamed I was Tommy from the Rugrats (as babies) lol and I was off on an adventure I don't remember.

Then I dreamed of snakes. I wanted them as pets, so I picked them up to place in an aquarium. The smaller one bit me and it hurt but not as badly as I was expecting. They were large garter snakes of different subspecies. The smaller one was black and the larger one was red and black and it was quite docile. I looked at it's face and it was gorgeous. The smaller one which bit me was ordinary and I saw it's fangs when it sunk into the area near my thumb.
After I placed them in the aquarium, I saw it was broken and was angry about it. I tried to cover it, but then it was much too shallow for them. I went off trying to find another container for them and found myself outside on a walkway. On it were many tiny snakes. Most of them were dried out and dead. Back in the house, on a banister, was a small snake the someone butchered. Then I woke up but fell right back to sleep.

I had two other dreams. The last one I barely recalled when I woke but in the process of writing all of this I've forgotten it completely. The third, I barely remember now.
It had something to do with babies. I don't think they were mine, but I was helping someone as we were fleeing from something. We had jewelry that could levitate us- or were supposed to anyhow. We were very high up, trying to get down. Both bracelets were accidentally dropped. And when they fell to the ground I told someone that apparently they didn't work. One of the babies had a very wet diaper but we couldn't do anything about that where we were..
I'm going to lay back down and see what else I can remember if anything...

Not much help... but I recall some details of either the last dream or pieces from the others.
I hid something in some woods.
I was riding a bike at one point.
My hubby was in the last one.
I was hungry and got a slushie at some point.

I went to bed "last night" around 1AM and woke up the final time a little after 11AM.

The interpretations....
Being on an adventure as Tommy- I have no idea lol. I haven't seen or thought about the show in a very long time. But as I wrote that, I recalled that one dream was of my sons coming home. So it must be connected. I used to watch the show with my oldest son, all the time, when he was a toddler. Perhaps the dream shows my desire to be reunited with my children.

The second one with the snakes is a combination of things: Watching Untamed and Uncut two nights ago with snake attacks in it. The fact that, in November I caught a small garter snake and was afraid he'd bite me when I picked him up (he didn't) and he living temporarily in a cage that was much too small. Then I bought him an aquarium, then left him in the care of my daughters friends mother and I went to Atlanta. I was so distraught when I returned that I abandoned him to them. He got bigger so they tried feeding him a mouse. The mouse ate him *lol sob* So I harbor some guilt over him.

The third one... not sure yet and I'm bored and hungry so I'm going to stop for now lol

As I was laying back on the couch, I glanced at the door and recalled the dream with hubby involved him coming into the RV and being upset with me.
It was triggered because last night, before bed, he called me extremely upset. But not at me- at the circumstances we find ourselves in and how he feels we're being pushed around simply because he's a doctor. He wanted to make sure I understood that when he lashes out, it's not me he's mad at but them. I told him I know that and understand and reassured him that he's in no way angered, upset or offended me. He reassured me that he wasn't going to abandon me, which seemed kind of odd, so I asked if he would be happier if I left. He said I'm his life. But I said it's because of me that's he has to deal with all this stress. He reassured me that he wants me in his life despite the stress.
Because, in the dream, he barged into the RV I'm temporarily living in and he was mad at ME... it may indicate I harbor some resentment over the fact that he has access to where I live, but I don't have access to where he lives (he comes and goes through the garage which he has a lock for which disables the garage door opener). Because, in the dream, he was mad at me- it simply shows the guilt I carry and the anger I have at myself and how I feel he SHOULD be mad at me.

My trip is now 4 days away and my anxiety has kicked in at full force, which means I'll be sleeping an average of 15 hours a day until we leave. Even my beloved Provigil cannot keep me awake when I reach this stage.
My days are spent taking many long naps. I've already gotten most of my packing done, so that's okay
I've had an abundance of dreams, but my sleep was constantly interrupted so I don't recall them, except for part of one.

I was fixing my hair in the mirror and I used a lot of hairspray to try to keep it in place. But I used too much, too soon and made my hair a royal mess lol
I had that dream because I used hairspray the other day (which I rarely use) and I've not had an opportunity to shower yet and my hair feels really gross.

I stayed with hubby last night instead of the RV where I've been living since my kids were taken (the country home is 40 minutes away and devoid of the luxuries of internet and TV which I would go crazy without at this time).
He had to go shopping, so we didn't even get to sleep until about 5AM and then he woke me up for romance around 6:30 and we didn't go back to sleep until after 8. And I can never comfortably sleep with the man because he produces too much body heat and used a sheet and a comforter which he straps to the bed because I thrash around in my sleep and tend to throw them to the floor lol.
Even though I'm almost always cold during the day, and he's almost always hot, our roles reverse in sleep. I wake up covered in sweat, and all the more so when I stay with him.

The dreams I recall are only snip-its.
In one, my bestfriend from the congregation was on the phone with me and she asked if I was smoking because if so, that changes everything. I told her yes, I started again last April 28, but I was going to quit.

In another dream, I was trying to fly with someone. I was a guy and she wasn't cooperating. Even though she could fly too, she kept making us hit the ground hard and I finally told her if she wouldn't cooperate I wouldn't fly with her any more.

Then I dreamed I was being shot at by jets. I was a jet too, and kept trying to dodge out of their way. I succeeded in blowing up all three of them... then the dream merged into me being at a grocery store and the machines were crazy and attacking me.

In another, I was in the basement of a house and trying desperately to keep a door closed. There was a giant bug monster on the side that was going to eat me. Strangely, it was connected with a television show. I paused the show to grab all my stuff which was scattered around and in doing so, I paused time. As I was going up from the basement and returning for another round, the television had turned itself on and unfroze time and the monster. I couldn't find the remote and was leaning against the door. Someone came into the house, upstairs, and I called for their help. They didn't come, but I found the remote, froze time again, grabbed the rest of my stuff and rushed upstairs, just as the tv was coming back on.
When I got upstairs, the dream merged into yet another. There was a huge banquet and antiques were being sold. The dream went on for some time, but I've forgotten the details.


Interpretations:
The first one is simply my guilt at being disfellowshipped from the congregation and my having started smoking again after having quit for 8 years. I miss my friend and want to return.

The second one... was caused by a thread here of someone wanting to meet a dream walker lol

In the third... I don't know why I was a jet lol, but I've never dreamed of being one before, so it was nice.
The merge into the store was because I had gone shopping right before sleep. I don't know why I was being attacked though.

The fourth with the giant bug and the basement was brought about by the tv shows I had watched earlier in the day and right before bed. I could freeze time simply because I was afraid . It had the feeling of SP, but I was sound asleep.
Why it merged into a banquet and antiques, I'm not sure. But it could be connected to my up-coming trip and my hubby's love of antiques.

I slept absolutely horrendously last night. I have that stupid 4-5 hour long, Court ordered psychological parenting test in 40 minutes. Because alarm clocks seldom work with me, and I don't have a decent one currently and use my DS, I woke up every 30-60 minutes. Plus, I use a large TV for my monitor and it usually shuts itself off after 30 minutes of inactivity but it didn't last night and it faces the couch I use as a bed, so it distracted me as well and I was too sleepy and out of sorts to think of shutting off the tv. Plus... I was too hot when I used the oven the oven for extra warmth (seeing as the front furnace in the RV is broken and I rely on the one in the back to heat the entire RV), so I turned the oven off, but froze most of the night.

The only dream I recall at this time was strange. I was a tribal person living on an unknown world. I was exploring the different plants for food and came upon something like a cactus. I kicked at it gingerly after my companion warned what it was. Then I had part of it in my mouth, but it was like eating dirt, so I spit it out. This dream (oddly enough for me) was in first person for the most part.
Then we came upon some shrimp. They were in plastic wrap and dehydrated and most were no good to eat. Near it were other fish, also dried and nasty looking. I ate one of the shrimp which looked newer and it was sweet and delicious.
We walked a bit more and came near a body of water. A creature was scurrying about that we called a shrimp, but it climbed a wall and resembled a cross between a crawfish and a scorpion. We got it down and my companion desperately wanted to eat it. But it had a nasty beak and after it was off the wall we saw it was quite large (cat sized) and it fully looked like an embrio (sp!) Then we spoke with it. It told us it did not want it's tail ripped off and eaten because the act would kill it. But my companion kept trying to step on its face to rip off the tail, but I felt sorry for it and wouldn't help her.

Now I have to rush out the door for my test...
I dreamed of shrimp because I bought some with my hubby night before last. I dreampt of being a tribal person because I watched 2 episodes of Super Stars of Dance last night on Hulu and was impressed by the African dancers.
As for the specifics of the dream, I don't know...

I went to bed "last night" at around 2Am and woke up for the last time at 2PM
My dog was crying at 8AM and woke me up and I rushed to see what was troubling her and lost any dreams I had before then.
I had a lot of interesting dreams after that though.

In one, I had the doll that terrorized me as a child in a large box. She was sleeping, but I knew if she woke up she would kill me. I, and some other people, hijacked a vehicle. At first it was tank like. I wanted to secure the doll in one of the outside, insulated compartments, and did so.
Then the vehicle became a sort of car. I knew all the passengers (though not in life). It was long and at one point I thought it was a monorail. But there were drivers seats at the front. My companion and I were taking control non-violently. The drivers were off on an errand and I was confused how we were going to take control of the vehicle. My companion unzipped a large compartment under the seat and told me to do the same. We were to crouch underneath the seats which also somehow gave us control to direct the drivers.
I told him it was much too small and I couldn't stay under there for any length of time. Then he removed the seat which allowed him to sit up somewhat, but I pointed out that he would be seen. He attached a different sort of seat on top of himself and explained he would be unseen.
I said I would not have my face underneath someone's butt and have have them fart on me the entire trip. I refused to do it. But the drivers were coming back. He threw a blanket over top of me, but the drivers were distracted which gave me time to go to the back of the vehicle and someone else took my spot. We were also carrying around a box with some sort of living things inside that we were protecting. The driver was Ron H. from my congregation.

The next thing I know, we were in a building with a zip-line. I took the zip-line to a lower room and I saw the latch and rope with vivid, perfect clarity.
I placed the doll in the closet of a room and told my children to NEVER go back there. But I started to feel compassion toward the doll and felt sorry for her being in such a cramped and possibly scary place. So I started taking her out of the box and I heard her crying. I reassured her that everything would be okay and told her how sorry I was for putting her there. I eventually got her out and hugged her. She didn't look like the doll at all, but like a child. Instead of blonde hair, she had black hair. She was beautiful but I was still scared of her. I told her I would take care of her, but I was also keeping her close to make sure she didn't turn into the monster I remember.

The next thing I recall was carrying the "doll" and my ex-husband was with me and we were fleeing. I was flying but couldn't gain any altitude. We were in a swamp like area and our feet were dragging in the tall grass and my ex was falling. I told him to just hold onto my arm and we would be okay. He couldn't fly himself. I was explaining what he had to do and when to do it.. "kick up with your feet... raise your arm, now lower it quickly..."
Eventually, I gained enough altitude and dropped him off through a window, on the upper floor of a building. But at that point, I saw the man we were fleeing from: Vernon T., another Elder from my congregation. I couldn't grab my ex in time, so I jumped out the widow and went to the top under a roof. (The building was like a mall or some such, with many floor and buildings separate from the other but under the roof of a larger building which contained the whole.) A few minutes later, my ex shouted that everything was okay. Vernon meant us no harm and offered peace.
I was very relieved... then woke up to my dog crying again.

I now forget the other dreams.

The reason I had that dream was because of the psychological/parenting test I had to take yesterday. He asked questions about everything imaginable, including any recurring dreams I have. I told him I usually have nightmares about the doll at least once a year.
I spoke a little about my ex as well as my children and congregation.
We spoke about my tendencies toward avoidance. He asked if I talk myself out of doing things- even things I enjoy. At first I said no, but I corrected myself and said: "That's not true... Even though I enjoy my congregation meetings a great deal, I make up excuses not to attend."
So that's why the Elders were pursuing me in my dream. I was avoiding them, for no particular reason lol

It's interesting to me, though, that I made peace with the doll. Hopefully it's a lasting theme and I'll no longer have nightmares about her.

In life, my ex abandoned me and our kids... so what's the significance of his role in my dream... ??? I'm not sure. I had a chance to abandon him during our flight but didn't. Which could indicate that I hold no grudge (which I don't). But at the end, I did abandon him when I had no other choice but to do so. ??? So what could that mean? That we acted as we had, in the past, because we had no other option? (I was not a perfect or even good wife by any means.) I'll have to think about that some.

As for hiding under the seat and being afraid of being farted on lol, I write that off as my own stomach distress. Before a trip, I become severely anxious. And for some weird reason, when I become highly anxious, I also become highly gassy lol. I went to sleep after taking antacids which helps with the reflux but not the gas, so I was farting in my sleep I'm sure

The vehicle changed when its role in the dream became unbelievable. I do that all the time which prevents me from becoming lucid. If a dream becomes too unbelievable and I can't change it, I simply wake up.

Why the doll became a dark haired little girl? ??? That could have been brought on from watching 3 episodes of Battlestar Gallactica before sleep. Harra (I little girl) was in all of the episodes and she has dark hair.

I leave for my trip in about 12 hours. I don't know if I'll be able to access the internet in Hawaii or not. So happy dreaming to everyone

I feel absolutely horrible. I was up until about 7:30 this morning doing laundry. When I skip sleep (or am even a few hours behind going to bed), my anxiety-induced breathing difficulty becomes much worse. In the past, it would be so bad, and my chest so tight that I would "crack" my breastbone as I do my knuckles. Thankfully, medication has ended that problem!! But what I do suffer is still annoying. It's annoying because I KNOW the reason for it, I face my anxiety strongly, and it still pesters me.
I walked from the RV to my hubby's house (about 30 steps), down into his basement, transferred the clothes then came back. My heart was pounding and I was a little light-headed. A few minutes passed then I remembered my blood pressure machine. I took it and was astounded.
My blood pressure was 167/110!! My pulse was 120 (which isn't unusual for me). I decided it was time to go to sleep, even though I took a Provigil to help me finish my chores. It wasn't working well anyhow.

I don't recall the first dreams. My dog, as always, woke me initially. I went back to sleep and had strange dreams of cockroaches (which I detest and have a phobia of). In the dream I moved to an apartment, but brought over some things I had stored in my parents garage. I little devils were bigger than most, but smaller than "wood roaches". It was hard like a beetle. I picked one up with a folded paper towel and could still feel it's gross, hard and thorny legs. I was going crazy trying to figure out where they were coming from. I didn't know if it was from the apartment under me or from my parents garage. I didn't want to squash the one I carried. Even though I loathe them, I don't like killing anything. When I was a kid, in life, my dad used to joke and say even if I was being attacked by a shark I wouldn't be able to so much as punch it on the nose. That's not quite true, but close lol.
I ended up dropping it outside, still partially wrapped in the paper towel. I worried that it wouldn't be able to get out of it, but when I turned to look, it had.

In another dream, I was running from the Mafia. I was with someone else in a Mall-like building I often dream about. He wanted to steal a sled for some reason, but all the buildings were closed and locked. He finally found one and we took off running. We were spotted though and I took to flight (literally). At that point, I realized I was dreaming. I told myself NOT to wake up, but I did *grrrr*

When I woke up, I walked a couple feet to my fridge and took out a coke and carrot cake. I took one bite of the cake and one toke from my cigarette after I sat back down on my couch. I then thought to take my blood pressure. It was 121/90 and my pulse was 110. Not too bad, but not too good either. I should take half a blood pressure pill, but they sometimes make me sleepy or (as I call it) "floogally" (where I feel somewhat light-headed and dreamy). And I'll be driving 3 hours to the airport later. I should take a Provigil, but I don't know if it will raise my pressure. I guess now is as good as any time to experiment... though with the anxiety, the results will be jaded regardless.
*Blah* I just want to be there. I LOVE flying, I just hate leaving home. But once I get where I'm going, the anxiety reduces and I thoroughly enjoy myself.

Oh well... time to get back to work and packing...

Oh yeah... I also dreamed someone saw my scarification tattoo and was admiring it. That's all I recall of the dream.
The reason I had it is simple. I worked on my tat some day before yesterday. The borders aren't scarred or colored enough. I used blue bic ink and it didn't take very well. When I worked on the flames underneath the butterfly, I used red bic ink and the scars aren't nearly as well defined but the color took much better. Red, I figured, is a good color for me, so I went over the old scar tissue with red ink. My hubby would FLIP OUT if he sees it though.
I was a "recovering" self-injurer for several years, but my new emotional trauma/stress of having my kids taken and having to deal with the Court triggered my former bad habit. But I determined not to cut for cutting's sake, but I would be more creative or not do it at all. I've been working on the butterfly for almost a year now and the flames for a couple months.
I'll cover them up with a nicotine patch when we get to Hawaii (the moisture also hinders the healing process which makes scarring take place more seeing how I don't cut deeply), but there's always a chance he'll find out which worries me (but not enough to make me stop). I want to perfect my tat before I return because I'm determined to become spiritually healthy when I get back and God does not like self-injury.
It's inappropriate to think so, but seeing how I'm disfellowshipped and smoking (which God also disapproves of) I feel (wrongly though it may be) that I have a free pass of sorts to screw up as much as possible before seeking forgiveness. I don't even pray much while I'm smoking because it's like a slap in the face to God (i.e: "Please help me Father and never mind the cigarettes")
I've always been proud of my scars. It shows me that I've survived. But it also shows an almost blatant apathy and disregard for God whom I hold very dear and before whom I need so desparately to become reapproved.
Welcome to the insane inner workings of my screwed up brain.

I'm back from my trip... and what a trip it was!!
I had some extremely strange dreams. I didn't record nearly any of them because I was too lazy.

Sad thing, however, I quit smoking while I was there and I started as soon as I got back.
I got the result of my psycological/parenting test and it wasn't as favorable as I wouhave liked and he shared more info than I wanted. And my hubby's attitude doesn't help any, bless his heart. He thinks I should just tell the state: "You think you're the professionals, take the kids then and make them any better than my wife has tried."
But he's never been a father or friend to them and I'm not about to abandon my kids.

So, I'm *grrrr-ing* right now.

I had some truly bizarre dreams last night. Of course, as usual, my dog woke me up this morning lol so I'm very surprised I remember them.
I dreamed I was in a large house I often dream about. It was located where my grandmother used to live. I was with some other people in a basement.
The first thing I really remember was a little door in a wall similar to the one that's in my hubby's basement in life- only smaller. There were screws in the door to keep it shut and I'm uncertain as to whether I wanted to open it or keep it closed. I was trying to keep the others away though. I left and went outside. I was trying to keep my hubby out of the basement and away from the door but I was also scared of him and avoiding him. The RV I currently live in, in life, was in the yard. He went into the house and into the basement. He had no trouble opening the little door. From the room, he removed the liquidfied (sp) remains of several people. He was trying to conceal a crime.
Next thing I recall was talking on the phone with him. He was taking the RV somewhere and was asking questions about it's maintainence. He was also disappointed because he gave me plenty of times to make copies of some paperwork. I finally confessed that both the furnaces were broken, the outside tank was almost empty of propane, the water tank or line had frozen, the water pump had likely burned up, and I hadn't canceled phone service to the Farm [our country home in life]. I explained I hadn't wanted to trouble him, that I was getting of heat from the stove and oven. Then I realized it was almost 5 o'clock, so I rushed off to a store to make copies of the paperwork. I started to leave through the large gate of my grandmothers yard and several dogs passed by me.

Then, it seems as though I entered another dream... I was in a time long forgotten, with a group of people I don't recall actually seeing for the most part (as in the first dream as well)., or perhaps I've simply forgotten them. We were making a secret journey using extreme stealth, and our preparation was rushed. I couldn't find anything to wear. I took a simply but beautiful band for my my head. But then I put on pants that had one of the legs cut off in shorts. Someone told me I wasn't going to wear those and I laughed it off, saying I wasn't being serious and I rushed off to find something else. I don't know what I chose but I wanted also to wear some sort of bandanna but a woman said it would look better worn as an extension at the back of my head and asked if there were any beads and thread so she could weave it on. There wasn't and we hadn't the time for such things anyhow.
We left and the next thing I recall was sneaking up on a bad guy and throwing a sack over his head and holding his hands behind him. He could use magic and it was extremely important that he couldn't see or use his hands. We wrestled on the ground for a long time. Then he somehow changed and I changed somehow as well. He was holding himself up with a probiscus (sp) of some sort and then other creatures appeared and snapped them off. He was in excruciating pain and I felt pity for him.

Then the dream changed again, or perhaps it's a fragment from one of the other two dreams. I was sitting outside with a preacher and a woman. We were talking about the things that give us strength and what we look forward to. I started talking about how I looked forward to the Bible's promise being fulfilled when the righteous and unrighteous would be resurrected, given the opportunity to learn the truth about God and have the prospect of living forever on a Paradise Earth. The Preacher respectfully said nothing. He had similar but different beliefs. The woman, however, became extremely angry. She started talking about how such things are NOT in the Bible and how my dreams were impossible and stupid. I let her rant and when she was in a better mood, I gingerly explained myself more. I told her the verses in the Bible where such promises could be found. Then she started tearing Jehovah's Witnesses apart, saying we let the Watchtower magazines explain and define our beliefs. I explained the magazines were nothing more than study tools. Like educational worksheets on specific topics which were entirely Bible based and Scripturally sound. Then she started to bash God and said the Bible's inconsistent. She gave us topics to look up in the book of Exodus that spoke of God having non-believers killed and how slavery was acceptable ect. She said we would meet back in a week with our findings.

Then I started to have another dream. It was being narrated by someone but I could see what was being said. Someone on a train had been against someone else in power. So he was placed on the rails of the track on a bridge and strapped to it. No one knew he was missing until they later found his severed head. And they knew it was him because he was the most beautiful man in the known world, with long hair and an unusual complexion.
The part I actually saw was him strapped to the tracks and the lights from the incoming train, and him screaming.

Then I woke up.



Interpretations:
The first one is actually easy. The basement represents things about myself that I want to protect by keeping other people away. It's been a recurring theme lately so it definitely relates to my current mental state which is an absolute mess filled with suicidal ideations, self-loathing and self-injury. I don't want such things known by people I interact with. But I had to take that stupid pschycological/parenting test and I was unforgivably honest for it and he included information that does NOT pertain to the case and he implied wouldn't be revealed but he did. So now Child Protective Services know all of my secrets and I'm certain they'll try to use them against me even though he did recommend that I get my children back for the trial period. I requested a copy of his results to be mailed to me and I read all 15 pages and my hubby read the last portion with me though I wish he hadn't. Thankfully, he didn't see the first part which states I currently use self-injury but he wants a copy of the paperwork.
The dead bodies hubby removed were those secrets.
The part of the RV is because when we returned from our trip, such was the case. But I don't want anyone around me and I don't want to disrupt hubby's already chaotic schedule by telling him the extent of work that needs done. He worries about me using the stove/oven for heat because I could die. But, frankly, I don't care if I die or not but it hasn't killed me yet and I seriously doubt it will, so I continue to use those as my heat source.
The part about the phone and the Farm is because I feel guilty that I still haven't discontinued service even though I've not lived there for two months now. I HAVE to do that today!!!
The part about the dogs is likely because my dog was probably barking.
I talked to my hubby on the phone because that's usually (and sadly) how we communicate.
The dream took place at my grandmothers because that's the only place I've been the most happy for the longest period of time and I felt safe there except for a pervy uncle. So while the overall theme of the dream was keeping myself distanced and safe from people, the truth of the matter is- I don't care what people know or don't know about me. I'll be okay and happy in the end- which shows that even when I'm sad, anxious and even suicidal, I'm optimistic lol. I KNOW problems don't last forever, even if I do seem to feel otherwise at times.

The second dream was likely inspired from watching 5 episodes of "The Seeker" last night. I usually don't watch shows that are magic-themed because of my religious beliefs and I felt guilty while watching them. I also found the outfit of the female character extremely unrealistic. It's long and flowing. If someone wore something like that while horseback riding or sword fighting, the clothes would be snagged on the trees or used against her in battle.
Wrestling with the magician was me wrestling with my conscience. His being snapped apart and my feeling sorry for him, represents that I need to stop watching the show even if I don't want to lol.
The part about his hands being bound came from an episode directly. The part about the sack over his head is my needing to stopping watching.

The third dream reinforces the interpretation of the second. In it, I was sharing my religious beliefs with others. The Preacher represents my apathetic side. A lot of Preachers in other religions "tickle the ears" of the flock because they don't want to lose membership. To such Preachers, it doesn't matter what a person does or believes so long as they try to be good people. It shows the direction I'm heading. I started smoking again as soon as I returned from my trip and read the results of the stupid test. I started cutting again after that as well. I watched the show with the magic theme. All of which are against the beliefs I hold very dear to my heart. But I'm overwhelmed right now, kicked out from socializing with my congregation and lacking a support system, so I'm drifting further away from God. The Preacher represents that part of myself that doesn't care.
The woman represents the problems themselves. At first she attacked my beliefs. But I returned with sound reasonings so she went on to attack God. Exodus, in brief, means to leave. Because all of us accepted the challenge of looking up information in the Bible and agreed to return with our findings, it shows I have some soul searching to do. I am tormented in my spiritually disapproved state but I don't think I'm strong enough or determined enough to put my life in order. Am I for God or against God? There is no fence. It's a joke among Jehovah's Witnesses that Satan owns the fence. Either you accept God and do what he wants to the best of your ability, or you don't.
I need to get off my butt and decide one way or the other.
Which, for me, can only mean I get my life in order. My spirituality defines the very essence of who I am. If I lose that, I die. And as suicidal as I currently am (off and on), this is an issue I need to take most seriously.

As for the last dream.... it was interrupted, so there is no interpretation.

Now, I think, I'll go back to sleep lol.

**Grrrr**- stupid phone! Twice, it woke me up. What I recall of my dreams is little.
What I do recall is strange to say the least lol

I was somewhere, fleeing for my life with greatest fear with a group of others. I want to say we were on a spaceship, but it doesn't make sense with the rest of the dream. Perhaps it was a large building. In any case, we were being hunted by creatures that were in the likeness of zombies and yet wraiths as well.
At some point, everyone was outside with their few remaining belongings. A little girl was extremely sad and upset because her animal had been abandoned and she asked a woman why she hadn't left her own animal behind. The woman tried to explain that the girls animal was sick and slowing them down while her own beasts were healthy. I had the impression that these animals were livestock of some kind and vital for their survival.
I don't recall actually being in this dream. It was a story I was watching but not influencing or participating in.
Then my view turned toward the houses along empty streets and to an abundance of dogs. Many of them had turned and were eating or turning the healthy ones. Others were safely locked in pens or houses, but were doomed to die slowly of starvation and my heart went out to them.

In another dream, or perhaps the same one at a different time, there was some drama about love. I've forgotten all of the details except that eventually the couple sneaked away for some intimacy. At first they were skydiving but then they were somehow under water with parachutes and breathing aparatuses (sp!). From far away I could see him thrusting inside of her, both lost in passion. Then I hear voices ask: "Is he hurting her? What is he doing?" And my view became more distant and I saw the question was asked by a fish lol. As my vision became even more distant, I saw they were surrounded by beautiful fish in such numbers I couldn't count. I thought it was a very peaceful, passionate and breathtaking scene.

In another dream I was trying to land a spaceship. Ah yes, something else I now recall is that two factions were fighting. There was a spy on the one. It was male and I saw the dream through his eyes. He was trying to take control of the one ship and after much difficulty he entered the chamber of a smaller craft- but one that was vital. He was being pursued and he slammed the door behind him and entered the craft and ejected. The leader of the bad guys found out and entered a craft of his own for pursuit. The chin strap of the good guys helmet came off and the helmet itself was following. He needed it to control the vehicle and as the helmet slipped off the window/door above him was opened and he started being sucked out. The vehicle had fail safes installed for such events and began returning to the ship it had come from. The man was distraught. He thought he could regain control but didn't have time to with the vehicle turning around. It landed and he managed to eject again, but the bad guy was in close pursuit and the good guy was terrified because now he wasn't sure he had enough fuel to return to his own spaceship.


Interpretations...
I think, for the most part, these dreams were of entertainment value only.
Exceptions: the dogs in the first dream are making me rethink previous interpretations of their presence in my dreams. They seem to be a daily recurring theme. It has been raining all night and all day and I know my dog wasn't out in it barking.
What do dogs represent to me? Mostly, I see them as a burden. I often wish I didn't have a dog to take care of. But like everything else in my life, I'm bound by extreme loyalty. I won't just abandon anyone/anything that's dependent on me no matter how much loathe the responsibility. Perhaps they represent my desire to run away, leave everything behind, and damn responsibility. But my heart goes out to them, in the dream, so I know that no matter how much I don't like having to take care of them I will remain forever bound because loyalty is as ingrained in me as my spirituality and I can't severe that quality without killing or changing the essence of who I am.
That interpretation feels true.

The other exception is the couple having sex. I'm in an extremely emotional and volatile state. In such, I'm feeling somewhat hypersexual but I have no relief. My hubby has ED because of his blood pressure meds so he's stopped trying to be intimate with me. I want to rut and I can feel sexual energy from anyone I'm close to so I'm keeping to myself. Masturbation isn't an acceptable option 1) my religious beliefs but mostly 2) my dark side. I always imagine I'm a young child being violated. I was not molested as a child so I don't know why such disturbing and disgusting thoughts consume me. They disgust me and when I give in to them, I disgust myself on a most profound level.
The dream simply represents my pent up sexual frustration.

Yet another exception are the fish. They too are a frequently recurring theme, though I seldom write about them because their presence is usually very brief and their import is quickly forgotten.
What do fish represent to me? Freedom, beauty, tranquility... They could simply represent my desire to be free. Because they appeared during the sex scene, they likely represent the desire I have for peaceful sexual release. That interpretation is strengthened by the fact the fish asked if the man was hurting the woman. He wasn't. It was a natural, loving and mutually passionate act.

Why the sex dream went from skydiving to under water.... I'm unsure. My immediate feeling is that the scene was inspired by the prologue of a short story I read before sleeping (it had nothing to do with sex but about the freedom of flight and gathering water from the clouds).

That's all I have right now

I know perhaps this isn't the type of comment you're looking for but I have a personal question for you. Why are you interested in attempting to rejoin the congregation?

Not a problem at all Omnis Dei. I thoroughly enjoy talking about my beliefs- anywhere, any time lol
Long story very short- I searched all my life for Christians who could logically explain my questions about the Bible AND who lived in harmony with their beliefs. I studied with and about so many different spiritual paths- Christian and non-Christian, that I've lost count. Jehovah's Witnesses were the only ones I found. We do not tolerate hyposcrasy among ourselves. If someone is found to be willfully sinning, if they are genuinely repentant, furthur action is usually not necessary. To be genuinely repentant means a person STOPS doing the sin. I failed in that regard. To keep the congregation clean for my bad influence, I was disfellowshipped [df-ed]. I can attend all the meetings and be spiritually strengthened. I can talk to the Elders (experienced men who take care of the congregation) if I need help or assistance etc. I only cannot associate with the individual members. I accept my punishment. I understand it was necessary to make me take my actions seriously. And I'm okay with that. But since my df-ing my life has gone from bad to worse to unbearably miserable. My own personal beliefs make me conclude that 1) my mistakes are catching up with me 2) Satan is making sure I remain miserable and weak by bringing about these trials all at one time. The second I start to regain spiritual ground, another trial confronts me.
My spirituality is the very essence of my BEING. If I deny it or walk away from it, it will kill me. Maybe not physically- not at first anyhow. To put it another way, I need that part of myself as much as I need to breathe.
Hope this helps.


As for last nights dreams........ *grrrr*. The expanation I was hoping for did not come. Not from dreams anyhow.
I had been awake for two days. To see my sons requires I drive to a city about 2 hours away. I was feeling sleepy, so I bought a 5-hour energy drink which always tears up my stomach in the end.
I got home, watched tv, played games, contributed to forums and found I still wasn't sleepy by 2AM. So I drank a wine cooler.
Then I gave in to my disgusting fantasies of being raped as a child, hoping that would trigger what I sought from my dreams. But I was so disgusted at myself that I gave in to self-injury. I also worked some more on my butterfly scarification tattoo.
I was feeling sleepy, but when I would lie down, my brain wouldn't shut up, so I grabbed my iPod Touch and played some Glyph (a game that makes me tired).
I started nodding in and out of sleep and "poetry" came to me. I grabbed my notebook and wrote in stages:
"The somehow sweet sound of betrayal
Of knowing I was right
That you would fail
I am unlovable
I knew it all along

Pain is all I'm good for
Pain is all I'll get
It might as well be
By my own hand
Self-inflicted agony."

Then directly before falling off to sleep, I wrote:
"My life in expectation
of the other shoe to drop."

When I finally did get to sleep, my dreams were mostly about about my husband seeing my cuts and over-reacting. Or about me trying to stop them from bleeding and trying to conceal their existence.

I woke up at 1 this afternoon with the most God-awful headache. I sincerely doubt the single wine cooler brought it about, but rather the propane gas fumes from using the oven as my heat source. My sinuses are completely dry, the passages stuffy.
The visit with my daughters was canceled today due to the weather, so I'll probably sleep some more if I can.
If not, I'm going to go to the nearby theater when it opens and watch "Taken".
Or perhaps I'll just vegetate here and wallow in self-pity some more.

Which leads to the interpretation of the sleep-deprived and induced "poem" I wrote (I'm not into free style lol)
Was it brought to birth from wanting to face my dark side, from the self-injury, from both?- I don't know.
But the message is clear to anyone: I despise myself. Which is kind of funny because I truly do like myself. But myself **alone**. I don't like myself who interacts with others. I don't like feeling responsible for others either on a physical or emotional level. I always let people down which is unforgivable- even though I freely forgive others of their mistakes against me. Which in an odd way shows I'm a very self-centered person. I know to err is human but anything less than perfection from myself is unthinkable. Who do I think I am to place myself on such a high pedestal? Am I more important than every other human alive?- I feel I am the least of creation. So why do I expect perfection from someone I myself considers to be damaged goods and who is incabable in all ways, least of all perfection?
That truly boggles my brain.
Perhaps I should leave Dreamviews and find somewhere for emotionally damaged people lol

This headache is driving me bonkers. My neck is very stiff, so perhaps I slept wrong.
Arg... I forgot I have to call the Case Worker. I guess I'll do that now, but then I'll likely be agitated to sleep lol

Until next time.
Your resident nut,
~Zhaylin

hey, read your last post about religion and your most recent dream. I'm not here to judge you for I am accepting of everybody's religions and beliefs. But I just wanted to ask something: Do you think it's possible everybody is in fact their own God? And if so, if you think you deserve only pain and suffering because of something you did (which already happened in the past), that's all you'll get and it's the wrath of some Deity? It doesn't make sense to me, so I would just like to hear your side.

Thanks for the questions Astral. Short answer (as if anything of the sort is possible with me lol)- No. I believe the Bible is inspired of God (he merely dictated words the words for men to write in the case of prophecy). And because I believe the Bible, I believe in God.
I think most of my punishment is self-sabatoge. I seem to constantly set myself up for failure. God isn't punishing me. I brought my problems about myself. But in order to rejoin the congregation and enjoy association with people I admire and love, I have to clean up my act. So far, I've been refusing to do that. I don't believe in the wrath of God as many do. I don't think he'll strike me down for not listening or confine me in some fiery hell. The wrath I'm experiencing now is simply spiritual separation. And if I was to die, I would simply cease to exist. There would be no resurrection for me because I'm embracing my failures instead of correcting them.


I just woke back up. It's a little after 7PM and the headache is still as intense as ever. My sinuses are still just as dry and clogged. BUT, I've only had a couple drinks of coke today and I've not eatten since yesterday and then I only had half a Big Mac, a few fries and a desert parfait (not McD's- made of cake, whipped cream and jelly-like stuff) before I went to sleep. The headache could be harassing me because I'm likely dehydrated.
LOL, as I was typing that, my hubby called offering me a T&L Hotdog and some fudge he just bought on his way home.

I need to record my strange dream first though before I forget because I've already nearly forgotten everything.
I was in a large building- an apartment complex. I was with some other people and we were being pursed. The entire world should have been afraid- it was a global enemy, but only a few of us was aware of it at that time. At one point, I was in front of a large window and the face of an enormous T-Rex came into view. I immediately ran. In the kitchen was a man and a child. I told the man we had to leave NOW. He told me to take the boy. I called for the boy but he didn't want to leave his grandfathers side, so I had to carry him. Outside I met an adult version of my daughter Zee. She told me she knew of the danger and would join soon. I had the impression we had been at odds. Then the child is cut somehow and I was told by a man that the wound would be entirely healed within 2 minutes "the miracle of stem cells" (which the boy could produce as needed). People wanted to steal the boy to use him for their own evil purposes. The child was only about 3 years old.
I stood before a road, wondering where to go. A map came up to view and I said "reptiles hate the cold. We'll go to Pennsylvania first." On the other side of town, in the oposite direction, were several oddly colored dinosaurs, killing whoever they came across.

In another dream, or perhaps at a different time than the first (for it feels connected somehow), I was on a road at night, carrying grocheries home. It was very late. No one else was around. I don't know the neighborhood in life, though I've often dreamed of it. It could have been an extension of my own neighborhood when I was a teen, which I took only at night and was unfamiliar with. In life, if it's the road I now think of, I was spooked whenever I walked it and the last time I did I was 7 months pregnant with my first son. Long story short, I **feel** I was raped that night because I accepted a ride from a stranger. He took me to be a prostitute and I didn't say no or fight because I was scared for my child and he had driven me an hour or so from home. That interpretation of the road feels true.
Back to the dream.... as I was walking, a car pulled up beside me. I rolled my eyes to myself and hoped the guy wouldn't be a jerk. He wasn't and left me in peace. Then I lose some of the dream... a lot of the dream actually, and I'm too hungry to dwell on it right now lol. The rest of the dream involved me trying to get close to a guy I secretly liked. He kept trying to get money from me, which was owed him by my employer but I could tell he was attracted to me too. At the beginning, he was locked in a closet to hide by some other person and then I went into an adjoining closet to hide and that's how we met lol. Towards the end, I had to run away but I went down to where he was sharing a bed with another woman (not in a romantic way) and I snatched his pillow from him and held it close to my chest and I said: "Sorry" as I ran away.

And a snipit of a dream either from this morning or earlier today was of my dog licking my toes lol.

I'm going to eat now then go to the store, and then I might write the interpretation of the dreams. It's not interesting though.

Oh yes... I also dreamed I was with my husband and he was feeling my face to see if I had any swollen nodes.
He's an opthamologist in life, and lately I've had a slight black eye and my face near my nose, under my right eye has been very tender and swollen. I think it's sinuses related.
That's the simple reason for that dream.

As for the others......
I dreamed of the dinosaur because I read of a dream about such here at dreamviews and I thought it was interesting that I've never dreamed of a dino lol
The boy with the stem cells was dreamed about because I watched an episode of the Mentalist last night that was about stem cells.
As for the rest, I don't know and I'm not in the mood to think on it.
After I ate, and then ate some more- in fact, so much that I now feel ill lol, I no longer have a headache. But I can feel the soreness in my neck all the more.
My sinuses are feeling a whole lot better now (they always do after I've been awake for awhile). So now I'm enjoying an episode of Monk

Oh yes... thanks to looking at Astral's dream journal, I remembered that during the dream with the guy from the closet, when I was escaping from something, I was packing my fannypack and backpack with equipment. I was worried about forgetting something.

Well, that's a much larger explanation than I was expecting, but you can't really expect anything in this life huh? lol -

You make a good point on your beliefs, at least you're not all like one of those zealots "pray or go to hell boy!" - okay that was a little exaggerated but you get the idea. From the sound of it, your waking life directly affects your dream state, more than it does for me at least. Maybe you'll recognize some dream signs from them. Anyway as for religion and such, do you think at the heart of all religions lie the same, basic fundamental core of it all? Attaining peace of mind and living in harmony with your environment? Including sentient and non-sentient beings?

Possibly. I think a lot of people are sincere about their beliefs and they're simply doing the best they can to attain the peace you spoke of.
I am a zealot but only where myself and my family is concerned. I drive my poor kids crazy lol. A simple example is magic. My beliefs say I am to avoid it even so far as entertainment is concerned. But I LOVE video games and movies. In moments of weakness I buy games like "The Witcher" and "Pharoah". In the past, when I regain my spiritual health, I destroy the games. THen when weakness returns, I buy them again. I've forgotten just how many times I've rebought Pharaoh lol To attain balance I finally settled on a compromise. If magic is the **theme** of a game or movie (Harry Potter for instance), we are to avoid it. If it's just aa small aspect of the whole, then it's okay (say, World of Warcraft where you can choose or reject to play a magic based character).
I drive my kids further because I strongly disallow vampire shows while I myself love shows about zombies (so long as their not brought about by magical means). My kids pointed out through sound reasoning that I was being hypocritical. Because of my love of the shows I refused to see the similarities. Now I do so I reject both.
And I am ashamed to say that I sometimes do resort to scare tactics. My 14 year old son has a deep understanding of my beliefs. He has a learning disorder as well as a mental disorder (possibly Oppositional Defiance Disorder). He gets into fights often and is disrespectful to everyone. He then tells everyone he can't participate in holidays and such because he's one of Jehovah's Witnesses (which he's not- you're considered a Witness only after your baptism, before then you're simply interested). He talks about Paradise Earth a lot. But when he's misbehaving I'll throw out comments like "**Sure**, you're going to be on Paradise Earth acting like that."
I know he's at war with himself. He's going to spend 30-90 days in a mental facility as soon as they get room for him. I was opposed to such extreme measures, but now that my children are in the care of the State I can do nothing about it. But perhaps some good will come from it and his war can come to an end. Out of all my children, he's the only one I see growing up to share my faith.


As for last nights dreams.... thanks to reading Astral's comment above, I remembered a dream I had forgotten. I was at the Kingdom Hall (what we call our church) with all of my kids. My 16 year old son was sitting on a table and even though he wore dress clothes, he wore sneakers instead of dress shoes. The congregation was very happy to see my kids and they were happy I had come with them even though in the dream I was still df-ed. My 16 year old was very unhappy about being there and I thought about saying to him he could always return to the Shelter because I told them all before hand that when they came home we would all attend the meetings. But I didn't because that was too mean.
I've forgotten the rest of my dreams except pieces involving my cuts and my hubby seeing them.

My dog woke me up around 10 this morning, I went back to sleep and my hubby called and woke me at around 3PM. I went back to sleep and woke on my own at 4:30. I got about 13 hours of sleep. I'm still sleepy though. BUT, the headache is gone for the most part as is the tenderness in my neck. My sinuses are mostly fine


Interpretation of the dream. It's simply my desire to have my kids back and be part of my congregation again. Because my son was acting out, I realize it's not going to be easy and the sneakers show I'm afraid of the battle to come and how I know that changes will come about slowly.

The cuts are simply anxiety. My hubby wanted me to stay the night with him last night. I felt horrible and declined. Tonight is not an option unless he feels poorly. Bandages are not an option because he'll probably see them and tell me to take it off. My butterfly is safe though. I'll just put a nicotine patch over it. The others are so small, hopefully he wont even notice them. He doesn't want to know about them, so hopefully he'll blind his eyes to them.

That's it.

Blah... the headache and soreness quickly returned. Hubby told me to take a valium so I did. I'll be going back to sleep soon lol.
Hopefully I'll have a lot of good dreams AND remember them. I'd turn the phone off if I could but it's the only way hubby and I communicate lol. And I'm still supposed to stay over with him tonight, but he feels badly too, so perhaps I'll get to stay in.


Mwahaha... I just talked to hubby. He still doesn't feel well, so I get to stay in the RV tonight. And I told him I'm taking my phone off the hook too Finally... I may get some proper sleep, so long as my dog doesn't start yapping in the early AM.

Confound it all. I just woke up. It's 11:40 AM. My dog woke me up at 3AM and again early this morning. This last time the heat did me in. I had the oven as high as it would get as I always do but the outside temp must have risen a great deal. It feels like it's easily 80 degrees in here.
My neck is sore but I don't have a headache. My nose bled a little last night and is now very dry but okay.
Dreams? I'm not sure I remember anything substantial.
Early this morning, I dreamed once again that I was wrestling someone/something (?). I woke up when I sat up on my couch. I wanted to record the dream because it was then fresh in my mind but I was too tired. I laid down and fell right back to sleep and dreamed I was looking for my voice recorder to record the dream.
More of the dreams may come to me as the day progresses but I'm not holding my breath.

I think I'll go back to sleepp/

I fell right back to sleep and the phone woke my up at about 4:40.
The dream I remember was being at a religious meeting and one of my teeth hurt. I played around with what was a bloodied stump of a tooth and it fell out
There were other strange things going on with my mouth- like bubblegum stuck to the roof of my mouth or something.
I also dreamed about peeing on a plane or a bus. I was very annoyed because some boys were playing around and taking forever. Then a lady went in and I rushed in behind her and took a second toilet.
I also dreamed I was a little boy. I was with my parents (not my parents in life though) and they were picking up a free gift for me and my mom said they couldn't leave until they got a gift for my little sister too on Monday. My sister was 7 and at first I was confused because I thought I was 7 but then I realized I just turned 8 I don't completely remember what the gift was but I *think* it was a paper rose.

I'm not even going to bother trying to interpret these dreams because they're only partials of a larger whole which I've forgotten.

Oh yes... I now remember I also dreamed of trying to buy a coke out of a vending machine. I used a dollar in dimes but they kept getting stuck, then, from a different coin feed I inserted a dollar in quarters. I could see the inside of the machine where everything was getting stuck which was pretty cool

WOOT! My dreams have returned tonight but they were mostly uninteresting. The coolest one was of myself and my hubby on an island. We were on a covert mission which took us down some steep cliffs and into the water itself which was very choppy. We found a bag we had dropped off earlier from a plane and in the bag was a heavy duty raft. We went to the other side of the island and climbed back up onto the island. From there the dream dissolves.
My recall is still no good.
I went to bed around midnight, I think and I just woke up at 3:30AM. I'm going to go to the restroom then go back to sleep.

I had completely forgotten this dream until I laid down to go back to sleep lol

I was at my grandmothers house. She was sick and in bed. My former childhood friends were in the living room and they were complaining about being bored. They were still kids (young teens) but I was an adult.
I told them neither me nor grams had any money to use to go somewhere. Then I said: "We could always sell those peeps for $5.00 each, then we could go to the movies." There were two boxes of the marshmellow treats and we had already eaten one box. As I went to get the other, I saw someone had opened it too and most of them had been munched on. They were disappointed and started complaining a little.
My grandmother got up and started cooking some spaghetti and she told me she didn't know if this was going to work out. She enjoyed having us around, but it was turning out to be too hard on her.
At another point, I was carrying a large pot of stew from the "big house" (two houses on the same property. My grams lived in one, her 3 retarded brothers lived in the "big house"). I was amazed at how clean the kitchen looked and I admired their new green counters. My uncle Jimmy was at the sink. I walked out the back door and flies kept trying to get into the stew and I kept shooing them away.
My dream gets fuzzy at this point. My ex-husband was in it, but I don't recall how exactly. Also, there was something about cars.
Oh yes. There was also a garden. In a dream several months ago, I found a vacant plot of land and on it I grew some vegetables. In this dream, the plot of land returned and I spoke of growing cabbages and tomatoes on it. I didn't actually see the plot of land though, it came up during conversation.

I'm going back to sleep. It's nearly noon but I'm still tired. I'll interpret these dreams later.

Blah. It's now 3:30 and I just woke up again. The only dream I truly recall is coming to dreamviews and to this thread and someone had written "What do you mean you forgot your dream until your laid back down?" lol
I also dreamed about my kids and also about keeping some kid out of trouble. But I've forgotten the details and I'm sick of sleeping right now lol so I'm NOT going to lay back down
I jst checked my email and in doing so I remembered I also dreamed of eating, of rushing through a large building on a bicycle and going up and down stairs while trying to avoid running into people. I also dreamed of peeing and taking a crap in a container and trying to hide it from people until I could throw it away. I also dreamed of a large house. It was spooky hand had many rooms. I also dreamed someone was wanting the email address of Alision but I told them she was no longer our case worker and it's now Tina but I didn't have her number on me.

Interpretations:
I don't know and I'm not in the mood to think on the larger dreams.
Some of the more recent dreams though are simple. I've not eaten for 13 hours or more and I'm very hungry lol. I also had to go to the bathroom. The bit about the case workers was a memory because the woman who supervises my visits with my daughters said she would email Alison but I told her she wasn't our case worker anymore.

That's it for now. I'm not going off in search of food

I went to sleep "last night" at 6AM this morning lol and I just woke up at 1:10PM
I had some powerfully emotional dreams last night which goes along with the foul mood I was in before sleep overtook me.
I had more dreams than these, but these are the only ones I recall at this time.

I was carrying around a baby girl I named Destinee. She was in a carrier and covered. Then I was in a large school like the one I attended in my youth. I was rushing to class and once I got there, it was the Kingdom Hall. All of my friends were getting ready for a test (which we don't have in life lol). But then I man I dearly love as a friend, our former Presiding Overseer who moved a couple years ago, came up to me and said how happy he was to see me. Then my friend Roxanna said my return was just in time for the start of the new Service month. I was confused because becoming reinstated is NOT that easy lol. You don't just show up at a meeting and everything is kosher!
My other kids were with me and everyone was happy to see them too. Then I realized the baby was MY baby and I was devestated because I named her Destinee which is the name of my third child and I wondered how I could go about changing it. Then I realized her diaper needed changed lol but I didn't have any there with me. She fussed a little, but I played with her and she went back to sleep.

During another dream, my hubby was getting the RV ready for a trip and he was emptying the tanks and filling the water. He then called me on the phone and asked if I had the paperwork to give to the man on another line. It was FOR our trip, but I had lost it somewhere. Thankfully, I had the information committed to memory. Hubby was still disappointed in my unreliability.

In another dream, I was looking for food lol I woke myself up saying "hungry"


Interpretations:
In the first dream, I had a baby who wasn't mine but then was and she had the same name as one of my daughters. I think that merely represents my missing my kids and longing for happier, easier days.
My showing up at the KH/school in the middle of a test, shows I feel I'm being tested right now. Being welcome by those I love shows how much I miss them.

The second dream was triggered by a phone call with my hubby before going to bed. I gave me and his 2 children $5,000. each with the stipulation we could only spend the money on ourselves and they couldn't be "practical" purchases (no paying bills and such). We also had to provide him with receipts at the end of January. He was disappointed because he's only gotten receipts from his son (his kids are about 30 and 19 years old). I have my receipts, I just forgot to give them to him.
As for the part about taking the RV on a trip, I think that was merely showing the problems that I'm currently having with the tanks and water.

As for what I barely recall of the last... I'm HUNGRY lol.
I tend to only eat once a day and that's fast food (I have a bit of a food phobia and though *logically* I know food served at fast food chains can't be entirely sanitary, I *emotionally* tell myself they have strict codes to obey and I feel safe eating there. Food in my fridge and freezer must be eaten within a couple days or I fear it's spoiled.

Anyhow... I'm going off in search of food

I stayed the night with hubby "last night". I actually went over there at around 12:30AM then soaked and read in the tub until nearly 1:30.
He was actually up for romance last night, so he kept me awake until about 6:30AM this morning. I woke up at 12:30 this afternoon and boy did I dream.

In one dream, barely remembered, I was carrying around a hamster I named Critter (after my hamster who recently died). But the odd thing is that I was carrying her around in a fish bag with fish. She kept getting out and I was afraid she would get hurt or killed but she always stayed close. Then the fish were given to me on tiny hooks (they were goldfish). And when I removed the hooks one of them also had a string or another hook in it's mouth and from it's mouth I mouth I removed two small shrimp. I then went over to a large plastic container which held a larger, more colorful goldfish. Someone worried that the larger fish would eat the smaller ones, but I told the person the fish would be okay. Then I added that the one with the shrimp in it's mouth is a little bloodied, so it might get eaten but most likely not. Then I fed them pellets.

In another dream, I remember only bits and pieces. I was with my ex for some reason and I was showing him a house my hubby and I used to live in, in life. He had a woman with him. My hubby had some of his antique art glass on a table and I proudly showed it to them, but my ex kept picked up items and when he would place them back on the table he almost broke one by placing it back to roughly and he nearly knocked the lid off of another as it tipped to the side. I blurted out "Please don't touch anymore! They are very breakable and all of those are worth at least $5,000 each!" But I regretted the words as soon as I spoke them, thinking they would return and steal the glass.
Then there was something about driving a car and it was veering out of control as almost all my car dreams do. It also wouldn't drive in reverse which caused some problems. I eventually found a construction lot to turn around in and on the lot was a midget.

I also dreamed something about being at a convention with my hubby and having trouble finding the room which is a recurring theme.

In another dream, I was in my parents home. I was sneaking a smoke when several members of my congregation showed up. I opened a window to hide the smoke but my dad ratted me out "You need to stop that damn smoking!" he told me.
Before the congregation showed up, I was trying to clean the house up. There was diarrhea on the floor as well as dog crap and there was also basic sweeping to be done.
One of the Sisters started telling me that they changed the way they wrote up talks and I needed to change how I did it as well as how I took notes. I wrote too much and it was overwhelming. I wasn't aware of it, but a couple tears trickled down as a Frank B., a Ministerial Servant [one who helps the congregation by running the mikes during meetings and helping distribute literature and such] told me personally it was just too much for him to read, then he gently wiped away my tears.

I also dreamed once again of the baby girl, but I don't remember where or how she fit in.

In the last dream, I wasn't myself. I was on a large street and someone said it was LA, California. I was trying to get home. I took an extremely large elevator to get to the lower street. But while I was waiting, a man started to get on it with me. We were very attracted to each other but didn't know one another. He got pulled away, but we looked into each others eyes and he was compelled to chase after me on the street below.
Next thing I know, I'm in an apartment. We're trying to figure out what we're going to do. It was love at first sight. I already had a live in boyfriend, but he treated me badly and I had wanted out for a long time.
Then I was in a maids outfit (not the sexy kind lol) and I was scrubbing the kitchen floor. Money flew out of a cabinet and was on the floor behind me, but I seemed to neither notice nor care. Then the boyfriend walked in. He went to the soulmate who sat on the couch and as the boyfriend threatened to beat him up, he pulled himself in a ball to protect all vital areas. I rushed to the other room and introduced them. Then I said I wanted out of the relationship and he had an hour to pack his things. He was short for a man, about 5'2" because he was shorter than me. He didn't put up a fight or protest, and I asked myself "Was that so hard? Why couldn't you have done this sooner?"


I want food now, so I'll return and try to interpret some of the dreams. Many are simple. The hardest is the first one.
These are the best dreams and best recall I've had in a very long time. Perhaps I should try having sex more often lol