Alia's Dream Journal

No dreams to record but a mere intoduction. I don't know how much I believe in this or how much commitment I can make but at this point I'm willing to try anything.

I have never had a good dream in my life, ever.

My dreams are nightmares ranging from traumatizing night terrors to observationally odd. Being 22 years old I figure I am long past the point of return as far as ever having a good dream but I am interested in maybe, at the least, having some kind of control. I'm never afraid to sleep since the nightmares are more of an expectancy than an anticipation however waking up is always difficult and makes being a monring person nearly impossible. Sometimes I'll remember my dreams every day for a week and sometimes I can go a whole month with out remembering them at all.

Only once in my life did I ever have even the slightest amount of control in a dream where I changed the course of actions and terror. This was after talking to a very close friend about my dreams in general for about 3 hours. He asked me the who, what, when, where, and why about my dreams often asking the same questions over and over and that night it happened. That was a year and a half ago and I'm hoping, maybe, talking about them more (especially in a forum like this) can help.

For the record, I am a relatively laid back person. I love dancing, singing, art, cartoons, going to the beach, helping people, and all those fun good things. I just keep all the dream stuff inside.


Much Mahalo's
Alia

YaaY! It's good to see you here, dear.

Welcome to DV! :D

Slowly, I'm remembering more of my dreams. A sentence here, an image or a scene there but not much. Better than nothing though. I figured it would be good to write what little I remember just to get into habit at least.

I don't know how it started but I never thought it was a dream at any point, it felt very real.

I was pregnant. I felt very full and hot, sort of clammy. I knew it was a girl and she sat very low in my stomach, like I knew she was going to be born soon. But it happened all of a sudden, as if its only took 3 months or less instead of 9. I was flew back home to California to have her and to be close to my mother and family.

The woman I'm dating now in real life flew in, about a week after me to be there, she surprised me, because at first she rejected me because it had turned out to be my ex's baby from that last time we had sex months ago. But she came because she wanted to be there for the baby and I. She took the dried yellow rose I have hanging in my room (she gave to me on our first date) and brought it when she came to see me. She wouldn't let me have it though. It was big and lush and bright yellow again.

I remember walking around in a park and everything was very yellow, like it was fall. I was with my mom and I started screaming bloody murder, I was going into labor. The only hospital or clinic close by was a mental hospital/drug rehab institution. I remember fainting and coming to mid push. I was screaming and I felt so much pain and hurt and guilt and shame and sorry for this little girl I was bringing into this world. I could hear scratching and crawling on the walls from other people detoxing and screaming back at my screams. I heard voices of other patients saying demoniacal things.

And all of a sudden I saw her and she cried as if all she wanted was me and I felt so horrible that I was too scared to be fully able to give her everything she needed but I loved her. At first she only looked a little like my ex but then when she stopped crying she was so beautiful and looked nothing like him. A little darker than me with darker more almond eyes.

I fell asleep with her in the hall way of the hospital and the woman I'm seeing now came and took her from me to watch so I could sleep by myself. But I couldn't. In an instant my daughter grew to about 3 years old and they were playing and I couldn't sleep because I wanted to watch how they got along.

My daughter then came over and told me at first she wasn't sure about the woman I'm seeing but that she likes her now. I told her we both loved her very much and she ran off to play. I decided that very soon I was going to have to tell her who her father was but I didn't want to subject her to what he subjected me to.

I then alerted all of my friends that I was back home seeking medical treatment and they all wanted to see me. But then I started to feel sick because I would have to tell them I had a child.

and that's all i can remember.