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    Thread: Why do we have to be nice to people?

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      Why do we have to be nice to people?

      I've always pondered about that question because the only reasons I can find for not being nice or not being nasty to people is the guilt and the lack of friends. There's an olden day saying in Chinese implying that everyone is kind by nature.

      I find it exceptionally hard to give myself reasons to be nice to people especially when there are times I am utterly annoyed by a friend/acquaintance that I simply just want to tell them, "Just fuck off already". I am not saying I'm incapable of nice acts, I just find it hard to continue to be nice without a solid reason. Most of the times I just find it hard to say "No" when someone needs my help.

      I have some logical reasoning why people are generally nice to one another. We want others to have a good impression of us because we are bothered by what others think of us. So being nice to others is indirectly a benefit for ourselves.

      But what's wrong with not being nice all the times?

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      99% of what people do is in their own interest, even giving to charity. So being nice to people is usually the action we take when we want to be complimented. Most of the time I come here to laugh or to make others laugh, it gives people power knowing they have friends, even if they know that the friends cannot benefit them in any physical way ( for some reason).

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      In the beginning i like to be nice to people, when i don't know much about them yet... this is more true for real life though, since on the internet you can read back how that certain person behaved towards others.
      Then after that i act towards people as they act towards me. If someone is nice to me, i will be nice to them. If someone is rude towards me, i'll be rude towards them too.

      Of course there are times when it gets more complicated, but generally this is what i follow.
      I realize that i'm dreaming.
      I realize that i'm dreaming.
      I realize that i'm dreaming.

      <--- My Dream Journal Contains ONLY Lucid Dreams

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      Quote Originally Posted by littlezoe View Post
      If someone is nice to me, i will be nice to them. If someone is rude towards me, i'll be rude towards them too.
      That's my biggest problem. I still tend to be nice to someone even after they had said or done something not so pleasant to me, unless you done something that's really that bad but after a while if they strike a conversation nicely with me, I'll talk to them again.

      My mother asked me don't I get any satisfaction for helping people out, I replied no. That's why I am feeling miserable why can't I just say "No" in the first place if someone requests for my help. If any advantages I get from being nice to people, most people don't hate me, people trust me and I became a secrets bank.

      I just need a reason to back up my actions of being nice because I feel it's in my character, but happiness as the answer clearly does not do the trick.

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      Quote Originally Posted by Carrot View Post
      I just need a reason to back up my actions of being nice because I feel it's in my character, but happiness as the answer clearly does not do the trick.
      If you have to force it, then it's not part of your character

      But you are the one who knows it... that's just how i see it.

      Personally i don't act differently than i am... that would get me nowhere.
      I realize that i'm dreaming.
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      Being nice to people
      • You can ask for favors
      • You will feel as if you belong in their group
      • you feel confident someone trusts you
      • people will be more willing to listen to you
      • no lack of communications


      I can only think of benefits.
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      Quote Originally Posted by littlezoe View Post
      If you have to force it, then it's not part of your character

      But you are the one who knows it... that's just how i see it.

      Personally i don't act differently than i am... that would get me nowhere.
      Hmm... Maybe because I don't want to stir trouble or I just have no courage to stand up for myself.

      But I forget I was unhappy with people in real life quite easily.

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      I dont exactly get the problem here? Please explain it once more.

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      Quote Originally Posted by dutchraptor View Post
      I dont exactly get the problem here? Please explain it once more.
      I'm just tired of being nice to people generally. You know you get tired of playing the good guy all the time. But you're a good guy but you don't want to be the good guy. I don't even know if I am making sense. So I hope I can find the right answer that explains why am I the good guy.

      You know there are times where I just say some really nice things to my grandma just hoping she can be happy that day. I didn't do it for any benefits or rewards because she'll love me just the same even if I didn't say any of these. But that doesn't matter because she's my grandma. I just don't understand why I do similar treatments to people who don't matter much to me in life.

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      Well you could try being the bad guy for a while but believe me it aint any good. I try to be nice to most people (except a few) because being an annoying prick makes you feel extremely paranoid, its good to know that most people dont talk bad about you behind your back.
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      Quote Originally Posted by Carrot View Post
      I just don't understand why I do similar treatments to people who don't matter much to me in life.
      Well, why not?

      Of course i'm not talking about people that are mean towards you... i see no reason to be nice to those.
      I realize that i'm dreaming.
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      <--- My Dream Journal Contains ONLY Lucid Dreams

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      Quote Originally Posted by dutchraptor View Post
      Well you could try being the bad guy for a while but believe me it aint any good. I try to be nice to most people (except a few) because being an annoying prick makes you feel extremely paranoid, its good to know that most people dont talk bad about you behind your back.
      I probably wouldn't become the bad guy. I'll just start ignoring people and stopped helping people although it's within my capabilities. That's if I go mental one day.

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      Humans are capable of feeling empathy for each other. Which is why when you see happy people you generally are more happy and when you see sad people you feel more sad. So it can be hard to say no because you don't want to feel bad when they react poorly. While doing nice things generally don't make you feel happy because they often don't appreciate it much. So if you want to feel good by doing nice things, you should only do it for people who really appreciate it.
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      Social survival. Rude people tend not to survive as much as diplomatically nice people.

      Part of being diplomatically nice is understanding your current impression of someone may be off and there's no reason to give others a shitty impression of yourself just because you received a shitty impression. Good tact is not always tit for tat.

      Everything works out in the end, sometimes even badly.


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      i'm like the opposite. i usually come off like a prick in real life without even trying. there were many times i offended someone and i was shocked of how easily they got offended. a lot of people have stopped talking to me because of it. in a way its good because people leave me alone but there are times where i do want to speak to someone.

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      It honestly just goes to show how little first impressions have to do with personality. Some of the most selfish, terrible people I've ever met couldn't act sweeter when you first meet them, while some of the greatest people I've ever met act rather abrasively initially. I know one of my friends will make fun of total strangers to an extent where it can be almost embarrassing to be around her, but she's also one of the most genuine and gracious friends I have
      Last edited by Omnis Dei; 07-02-2012 at 10:51 PM.

      Everything works out in the end, sometimes even badly.


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      Some of the most volatile people I've ever encountered were also often the most successful; usually bosses, for example. People who are cut-throat, hold-no-prisoners types will undoubtedly be the most decisive and instinctual leaders, but by no means does that make them kind or approachable, they are who they are and have gotten to where they are for a reason (building trust, setting the example, having raw talent, etc.). This doesn't mean someone is always that way, a dynamic person does not always behave in one specific way toward everyone they meet at all times, and the way they react or behave is intentional because they do tend to be genuinely empathic, and their experience tells them what kind of results that psychology will bring. This isn't to say you should spit in the face of whomever contradicts you or serves you the wrong cup of coffee. You should abide by the golden rule until there is precedence and good reason not to be kind, and have the courage of your convictions to do what you know to be right, which means people won't always play nice--at least in the real world. Nevertheless, the golden rule is still important and there are lines that one simply shouldn't cross no matter the situation.
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      I'm usually nice to people because giving them the impression of myself that I want is key in getting them to do what I want in future situations. I find that people are especially pliable when they think they've got you all figured out and view you as harmless. I pretty much am, but I'm offered a lot of options as far as my behaviour and my control of others' actions is concerned because of this impression I give off. The best way to get in someone's mind is to know what's in there in the first place, and if you put what's in there right from the get-go, you know what's in there. You know what people think and expect you to do, and you can use this to your advantage. You now have options and leverage when it comes to getting things you need or want. This is why I am nice to people--it pays off.
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      Quote Originally Posted by Carrot View Post
      I just need a reason to back up my actions of being nice because I feel it's in my character, but happiness as the answer clearly does not do the trick.

      Being nice to people sometimes has no reward other than personal satisfaction. Frequently people will forget to say "thank you" or even acknowledge your efforts.


      But there is always one person who, for at least one moment, your good efforts made a difference to. Sometimes being helpful and good-spirited makes a world of difference. We may not even know the person we make a difference for but it can mean the world to them and alter their outlook on life.

      I think that all the value of being nice can be measured by that one person, and it outweighs all the detractors or people who fail to acknowledge your efforts.



      It's also easy to manipulate people by being nice, as snoop says, but it rarely pays off well in the long run. It changes who you are on the inside. Someday that line of thought will backfire and land you in trouble with someone who matters.

      As snoop wrapped up with...it really is better to be nice if you can find reason to be.
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      Being nice to someone might give you a good feeling, or you might do it so that the person and others who witness the situation will think more highly of you. In general it will make people like you more. Those are the only reasons I can think of. There's no altrustic reason beyond that, it isn't "the right thing" for its own sake.
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      Most of the time, being nice to people works in your favor in the long run.
      People will do things for you, they will help you when you're not doing too well.. etc.

      Imagine you're at a party and some dude comes up with 5 of his friends and punches you in the face. If you've been nice to people all your life, and everyone at the party knows it... Then you can hit the person back, and rest assured that most of those people at the party are going to recognize that you don't deserve to get jumped by that guy's 5 friends, and some of them will rush to your aid in the brawl.

      Imagine the same situation, but you've been a jerk your whole life. The other people in the bar don't care. You probably deserve it. Hell, they might even kick you in the ribs when you're down. Good fight, jerkface.

      ^ Mhm, heard 'dat.

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      Quote Originally Posted by Omnis Dei View Post
      Social survival. Rude people tend not to survive as much as diplomatically nice people.

      Part of being diplomatically nice is understanding your current impression of someone may be off and there's no reason to give others a shitty impression of yourself just because you received a shitty impression. Good tact is not always tit for tat.
      Agreed with the last line.

      Quote Originally Posted by snoop View Post
      The best way to get in someone's mind is to know what's in there in the first place, and if you put what's in there right from the get-go, you know what's in there. You know what people think and expect you to do, and you can use this to your advantage.
      True. Because I set a slightly better impression of myself to people I've meet for the first time, it gets imprinted in their minds and if they ever become my close friends, I start showing shit in my personality unafraid they will leave me.

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      Are we?

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      I find compassion rather effortless, personally, to the extent where I asked myself a similar question as you recently, Carrot. If someone asks me to do something for them, within reason I'll oblige.

      Of course I believe I strike a good balance between being generous and being a pushover, but I'll often drop what I'm doing to help out a friend no matter what I'm doing.

      I do sometimes wonder, like you, why I do it. I do things for certain friends that they would rarely do back if I asked (though I tend not to ask big favours anyway), and sometimes I second guess myself and ask what I'm gaining.

      Every time, however, I come to the conclusion that it really doesn't bother me in the slightest, and I do get deep personal satisfaction from helping others. Without this intrinsic reward system I don't think there'd be half as many nice people out there.

      It sounds cheesy, but once you find pleasure in helping others (within reason, of course, don't go forgetting about your own interests), it becomes so much easier to do.
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      Yeah I think it really does come down to feeling better about yourself. I don't really believe in altruism in that I think even our most seemingly charitable decisions are taken in order to gain a perceived benefit. I try to be nice all the time but sometimes I've accidentally let slip a few mocking comments or been a bit arrogant.

      I think all in all it's worth staying nice. Also, it doesn't mean being a pushover. There are polite and friendly ways of refusing to do favours without saying cold and harsh things.

      EDIT: By the way my not believing in altruism only comes from my own experiences, and I could well be completely wrong.

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