Suicide

Can't find a proper place for this but I am genuinely curious. If you are comfortable talking about it, what was going through your mind when you attempted suicide, if you have? What has been going through your minds if you have thought about it? I have wanted to kill myself and very often wanted to die. I possess an overactive death drive it seems for the most part. However, I have never wanted to actually kill myself or planned on how to do it or committed to doing it. I know all the reasons I have wanted to end it all, but I have never actually crossed the line where I was going to or have tried. I believe I am going to die one day regardless, so even if what I experience is a totally painful horrendous awful existence, I will experience it. I exist, and it is a testament to that fact that I choose to continue living until my life is taken from me by something other than myself. I try and understand as much as I can, and since I simply can't relate like I would like to, if you are comfortable with it, post here. I really want to know what you were thinking and going through, not the bits that are unimportant to you, just the significant parts. I feel like if I can get a greater understanding of it, I will be able to help more people in the future that I may know that want to kill themselves. I already have had a friend kill himself, thankfully I wasn't really good friends with him or it might tear me up some, but I've had another talk about it and its pretty disturbing. I tried to explain why I haven't and won't, but it doesn't really seem like I've gotten all that through to him. Maybe if I can figure out what the mindset of "this is it, I am going to kill myself" and then trying it is like, I can do more to prevent it. Not just in my friend now, but people I come across in the future. Life is hell when you feel like you're going through it by yourself and that you can't even trust your friends with knowing the feelings you feel and what's going on in your life. Isolation is one of the most painful things you can actually endure. I've been seriously depressed a few times in my life, majorly depressed to the point of not even wanting to kill myself but thinking I deserved to suffer at one point as well. I at least understand what that is like, but not actually killing one's self. So please, share if you would.

When I was around the age of 11 or 12 I believe, I must have entered a depressive phase in my life without realizing it. Despite living only an ordinary life at school, it felt that even those little burdens which come along with school seemed too much for me to handle.

At some point I decided that I would kill myself in the future. I still remember seeing an advertisement for one of the Harry Potter movies, which was going to be released next year. I was slightly sad because I didn´t intend to be still alive by then.

When the fateful day finally came, I climbed to the Roof of my house with the earnest intention to not leave it alive. I wanted to jump, but in the end I just couldn´t do it. My aborted suicide attempt was like hitting rock bottom and things could only go uphill from then.

I retrospect it seems hardly surprising that I ended up being that depressed. At some point in my childhood I started having a very low appreciation for life. I believed that my parents gave me a terrible life, despite genuinely trying their best to achieve the opposite. I also didn´t want to have children in the future because I didn´t consider life worth living and didn´t want anyone else to endure the same pain. When I was very young, every night I sincerely hoped to be taken to another world by someone. The fact, that I never had many friends back then, probably didn´t help either.

But I think what caused me to want to end my life was that my sense of reason seemed to be suppressed. I just didn´t think things through. The idea that life could become getter at some point never crossed my mind. I´m not sure if any words could have convinced my past self to not attempt suicide until I realized that I didn´t have the guts to actually pull it off. But after that point my will to not kill myself has steadily increased. Even if I were to become depressed again, I believe my reluctance towards suicide would be much higher than it was back then.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, if I didn't have proof now at the age of 23 that life gets better sometimes, I have been through enough depressive episodes that each time I get depressed, it seems like life will never get any better, and the fact that it did was really just an illusion or a lie I told myself to keep scraping by. Then when I come out of it, things are legitimately better and I feel so stupid for falling for that shit again. I don't know if I have bipolar like my uncle, or if because my multiple concussions I keep getting strange depressive episodes or what. After my first concussion only a year later I was so depressed I could never imagine it ever getting worse than that. Existence was so intensely painful and full of hatred for everything and everyone, most of all myself. Thankfully I have not gotten that way again.

Thank you for responding, not to sound bad by this statement but I'm glad the reasons you felt for wanting to do it would be similar to my own, because maybe that means I have a better grasp on what my friend is experiencing right now than I originally thought. I appreciate the fact that you posted and are glad you didn't decide to go through with it.

What strikes me the most is that you said this was at the age of 11 or 12, and that's when I first started seeing the world was actually a rotten place where bad things happen. At around that age, I decided I didn't care if I lived or died. I didn't necessarily want to die, but it was when I also realized that life had no inherent meaning and that I was there without a purpose. I didn't put two and two together until about 9 years later when I found out that the meaning was my own, that I had to live for my own reasons and not some purpose that I was predisposed to having.

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Off topic, but I like your signature. What do you think of when evil has legitimately cornered you and your friends and family and means to kill you, though? Do you believe that it should kill you and that you would hold to your principles, or that you would kill it because it means to destroy all that has the potential to be good and there is no other option but to destroy it? If you could kill the immediate threat and only when it is so immediate, is violence an acceptable means to turn to in order to make the world a better place? You did not seek to destroy the evil, but it sought to destroy you, and if the choice is left up to the continued existence of evil or good, are you really being as evil as the evil by destroying it when you are protecting the good? The world would therefore be a better place, wouldn't it? You may have had to make a choice you do not at all agree with and is not in good taste or really all that excusable by your own standards, but when it comes down to it, have you not done a good thing? If everyone believes you did a good thing, and you see that you have preserved good and/or potentially good life by doing it, could you forgive yourself? Personally, I could, but only under those circumstances. I am curious to hear what you have to say.

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Originally Posted by snoop

edit:
Off topic, but I like your signature. What do you think of when evil has legitimately cornered you and your friends and family and means to kill you, though? Do you believe that it should kill you and that you would hold to your principles, or that you would kill it because it means to destroy all that has the potential to be good and there is no other option but to destroy it? If you could kill the immediate threat and only when it is so immediate, is violence an acceptable means to turn to in order to make the world a better place? You did not seek to destroy the evil, but it sought to destroy you, and if the choice is left up to the continued existence of evil or good, are you really being as evil as the evil by destroying it when you are protecting the good? The world would therefore be a better place, wouldn't it? You may have had to make a choice you do not at all agree with and is not in good taste or really all that excusable by your own standards, but when it comes down to it, have you not done a good thing? If everyone believes you did a good thing, and you see that you have preserved good and/or potentially good life by doing it, could you forgive yourself? Personally, I could, but only under those circumstances. I am curious to hear what you have to say.

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First of all, „good“ and „evil“ are transient definitions invented by humankind and can be reinvented at any time. Even if only people you would consider evil were left in the world, sooner or later this new society would be divided into two groups. One would be labeled “good” and the other “evil”. So I’m not worried about the evil never leaving room for the good. As long as there are people who are considered evil, there will be people who aren´t and vice versa.

I cannot say for sure how I would react in an extreme situation, but if I were in a situation where those who are important to me are threatened by someone who could not be reasoned with and violence seems to be unavoidable, I would at least still try to not kill whoever I would have to fight. But if I really could only choose to kill him or let him kill, I would likely choose to sacrifice his life instead of mine or those of others.

However, even if the life I had just taken belonged to a mass murderer or something even worse, I would not consider my deed to be a really good one. In such a situation where you can only choose who is going to die, there isn´t really a right choice. You can only choose what you personally believe to be less wrong. Objectively speaking, my interests aren´t more important than anyone else’s only because they´re mine. What if the murderer I just killed could´ve bettered himself if given a chance? What if he would have given birth to a genius who could have turned the world into a better place if I had not killed their father? Those scenarios may be highly unlikely, but they could never be disproven. Neither could you know for sure if there could have been a way to prevent any unnecessary deaths. So under no circumstances would I consider murder to be truly right, even if it seems unavoidable.

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Originally Posted by Creation

But I think what caused me to want to end my life was that my sense of reason seemed to be suppressed.

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...Maybe that's unfair to say.

Feeling good is not entirely logical. So feeling bad is not entirely illogical either. I can relate to the things both of you said. And I wouldn't say that logic ever helped me out. Instead, what helped me pull myself out of these episodes were perspective changes, just as unexpected as the ones that made me see everything black, except they made me see things white and keep going. To me, it feels like a cycle which is out of my control, sometimes my vision goes black. It's not because I'm crazy and illogical. It's just what is. It's dark, and I see it like that. And, then, my vision becomes white, and it's not because I found the answer, at those, points, I forget why I was so sad in the first place anyways. The only proper way I have found to control how I see life, is to remind myself that I have a relationship with life, just like a relationship with a human. And my love should be inconditional. I have to love people, even for their flaws. I have to love life, even for its flaws. So when I feel dark, I tell myself, I'm home, with my best friend, and I feel comfortable. It goes away, when I remind myself, that Life is my best friend and will always be, no matter the flaws. I'm with my most familiar pal.

Ultimately, those depression episodes, are deep emotions. They change how we see the world, and in those moments, no logic can override our true experience. (or in my case, nothing except the realization that, Life can be the most disgusting thing in the world, but how could I say that to my best friend? I just gotta love no matter what the flaws.)