The Truth about "Feeling Sorry for Yourself"...

Most of us (as far as I know) are raised with the belief that it is selfish and "wrong" to "feel sorry for yourself" - we're programmed with "Stop feeling sorry for yourself..." - and the idea of feeling sorry for yourself becomes confused and enmeshed with "wallowing" and negativity... but there is a Very Important difference....

As we know, our feelings are our Guidance System.

When experiencing hurt, anger, frustration, sorrow, depression, dissapointment....etc. there is a natural urge which leads towards healing. If we were to "go with the flow" on feelings alone, most of us would probably feel really sorry for ourselves for a while, comfort ourselves, and then, find ways to feel better, and eventually get back into the game.

* A person who has been programmed against "feeling sorry for myself" will generally fight the natural urge to be compassionate with themselves, and will probably treat themselves in the same way as(and sometimes worse than) they were treated by whoever taught them this belief. And many others who have been programmed with this belief will rebel against it despite the belief.... and this comes out in complaining, and seeking acknowledgement and sympathy from others. It can also fester and become agression, resentment... and of course a variety of other symptoms.
That person will take much longer to heal (if they do at all) than someone who feels sorry for themselves until they feel better.

* There is a fear that feeling sorry for yourself is quicksand :shock: and that once you step into that mode, you're not going to come out of it again. :? But that is called dispondency, not "feeling sorry for yourself". And if you do a Good job of feeling sorry for yourself (as described below), dispondency is not on the menu! ;)

If someone you love is physically hurt, it's highly unlikely you'd have no sympathy or compassion for them and that you'd push them and force them to keep going and ignore their cries of pain. You'd probably look after them, treat them kindly and compassionately, encourage them to rest, maybe even spoil them a little, and do what you could to make them feel better and to speed their healing.

And yet we usually don't treat our own emotional, mental and spiritual pain and healing in the same way.

These are the fastest, most effective steps to aid healing (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual):

1. Feel sorry for yourself - meaning a combination of Compassion and Acknowledgement.

2. Treat yourself as you would a loved one who is recovering from surgery.

3. Do whatever feels good in the moment, no matter how "self indulgent" - it is part of your treatment and it will speed up your healing.

4. Follow what feels good in the moment. If you follow what feels good in the moment, you will come through the self pity, move into self comforting, move on to indulgence, and then to inspiration and finally back to action. And it's important to let each stage play through fully until you naturally and automatically find yourself in the next one. As long as you're following what feels good in the moment, you can't go wrong, and you will not stay in any one state indefinitely.

So, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself! Give yourself permission. It's giving yourself a soft place to fall before you rest, recover and get up again.

Love and Light and Magic xxx

Also be open to actually recovering. I have a friend who is basically addicted to the idea of being screwed up ... it's like having an excuse when you do something sub-par (I'm dealing with some problems, etc etc)

If you are genuinely trying to improve the situation, then sure.

What if the thing that you use to 'indulge yourself' is what is hurting you? Like an addiction?

All I need to do is remind myself of conditions in sweatshops that nike, adidas, walmart, old navy, gap, that employ millions of third world country inhabitants and I quickly stop feeling sorry for myself. These corporations have children working 12 hour days, 6 day weeks, with 2 breaks. If a kid tries to take an extra break, they get beaten. They live in 9x9 foot cement cells and eat rice with salt 2 meals a day. If a women has her period in the middle of her shift, too fucking bad. These people do not have the luxry of tampons. These women wrap a scarf or sweater around their hips to hide the embarassing blood stains. Many families make a choice between them or their children eating every day. If you tip over a carosine lamp, you probably won't be eating for 3 days because something so small would create a huge financial tragedy.

So if I get rejected by a girl that I ask on a date, score a bad mark on a test, or my parents "yell" at me... Guess what? I don't feel sorry for myself. You, and everyone else that made a post on this thread has no fucking reason to feel sorry for yourself ever.

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Originally Posted by SpecialInterests

All I need to do is remind myself of conditions in sweatshops that nike, adidas, walmart, old navy, gap, that employ millions of third world country inhabitants and I quickly stop feeling sorry for myself. These corporations have children working 12 hour days, 6 day weeks, with 2 breaks. If a kid tries to take an extra break, they get beaten. They live in 9x9 foot cement cells and eat rice with salt 2 meals a day. If a women has her period in the middle of her shift, too fucking bad. These people do not have the luxry of tampons. These women wrap a scarf or sweater around their hips to hide the embarassing blood stains. Many families make a choice between them or their children eating every day. If you tip over a carosine lamp, you probably won't be eating for 3 days because something so small would create a huge financial tragedy.

So if I get rejected by a girl that I ask on a date, score a bad mark on a test, or my parents "yell" at me... Guess what? I don't feel sorry for myself. You, and everyone else that made a post on this thread has no fucking reason to feel sorry for yourself ever.

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It's this kind of logic that I hate. It's not because people have it REALLY bad somwhere that we should have it bad too. We should all allow ourselves to feel sorry for ourselves + one another. Have some self respect. I refuse to ignore my problems because people are suffering worse somewhere else. That's flawed logic imo.

hmm..I don't agree. but its your wording I don't agree with mostly.

feeling sorry for yourself doesn't mean you heal

feeling sorry for yourself doesn't mean you overcome a problem

feeling sorry for yourself, just means that, you feel sorry yourself. it is an end to itself and a way to continually make excuses to feel sorry for yourself. solutions don't magically appear in thin air when you feel sorry for yourself. rather, you see more things to feel sorry about. that's why it's an end to itself. when you feel sorry for yourself, the sky's the limit of what else to feel sorry about!

there are a lot of people who feel constantly sorry for themselves
1. some are shallow
2. others are really suffering and have probably been suffering their whole lives, born into poverty, disease, so on
3. others are suffering from a mental disease, like depression that makes them feel sorry for themselves, when there might not be any reason to be

words are symbolic, they have no definitive meaning, but the meaning we give to them

I feel you are changing the meaning of feeling sorry for yourself to "letting out your emotions"

letting out your emotions is important, like you said, your emotional guidance system. if you need to cry. cry. if you need to be angry. be angry. emotions however are normally INSTANT. and for a lot of times, even more so with depression, they feel uncontrollable. like laughing. how many people can genuinely force themselves to laugh? a lot of people can't.

thoughts however are controllable unless you are clinically insane. for us sane people, we can control our thoughts.

Thats the difference between thoughts and emotions. feeling sorry for yourself is a mental action. not an emotional action. feeling sorry for yourself are THOUGHTS.

1. "my car is crappy"
2. "my job sucks"
3. "my friends suck"
4. "I'm fat"
5. "I'm ugly"
6. "I'm a loser"
7. "I hate my life yatta yatta yatta"

do you understand?

these are thoughts WE CONTROL. they are not emotions.

rather negative thoughts GENERATE negative emotions that make us feel really crappy

if you understand the concept of the emotional guidance system, the idea is, your emotions are your ultimate guide to what is 'good' and what is 'bad'. to what makes you happy, and what makes you miserable. if something makes you feel crappy, its a 'bad'. thinking negative thoughts like "I hate myself" makes you feel CRAPPY. You emotional guidance system is telling you these thoughts are BAD. Stop thinking them!! THESE THOUGHTS MAKE YOU MISERABLE. They are NOT healing you. Thats how you use the emotional guidance system with thoughts. Pay attention to how thoughts make you feel.

This is also the LOA. Your emotional guidance system will ALWAYS let you know the quality of your thoughts.

And if you feel 'good' when you hate yourself or your life, thats usually a sure sign you are not mentally/emotionally healthy and might need professional help before you start physically harming yourself

Like I said, feeling sorry for yourself will never heal you. It will never solve your problems. And it usually BLINDS you from solutions.

The poor man can feel sorry for himself every day because he's a mr. empty pockets - money will never magically manifest because he's miserable.

The girl who was just dumped can feel sorry for herself in every social event she goes to. Her bad vibes and jealousy won't attract a new relationship into her life, or help her get over the past.

If cry then cry. You are emotionally distraught. Be emotionally distraught. The death of a loved one is literally for most of us, unimaginable.

But thinking negative thoughts? It will never do you any good.

If the poor man feels sorry for himself and says "I might as will give up, I'll always be poor!". Then he lacks the motivation and the self confidence needed to achieve abundance in his life.

Self defeating ego thoughts. That is what feeling sorry for yourself really means. Thats why feeling sorry for yourself has always been frowned on. It is NOT the same as expressing your emotions.

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Originally Posted by Timothy Paradox

What if the thing that you use to 'indulge yourself' is what is hurting you? Like an addiction?

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Hi Timothy :)

Good point! I'm no expert on addiction, but I have a little experience of it, and from my limitted knowledge, I think that the "good" feeling from giving into an addiction, is not the same as the feeling you might get from doing something that feels good, but that you're not addicted to.

For example, if a person is addicted to gambling, the feeling they get when gambling may feel good, but it will also be mixed with a variety of other feelings - possibly guilt, "danger", fear, desperation... it won't feel the same as, for example, riding a skate-board (if that feels good obviously ;) ) or playing a Wii game they enjoy, or having a bubble bath... or ... whatever else makes them feel good - there will be a distinctive difference in feeling between the addictive behaviour, and behaviour that just feels good - without the baggage that goes with addiction.

So, following what feels good - means following what makes you feel good without any of those extra feelings. Indulging in what feels good, without strings attached.

Of course, the other thing is that if a person has an addiction, then obviously the idea would be to indulge in other things that they're not addicted to. If they have an alcohol addiction, then indulging in bubble baths, computer games, chocolate, watching movies, starting a new activity, martial arts.... or whatever else feels genuinely good at the time, would be more effective. Of course, if they indulge in their addiction, they're creating more negativity for themselves. So, finding other ways to pamper and comfort themselves would be more effective.

xxx

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Originally Posted by SpecialInterests

All I need to do is remind myself of conditions in sweatshops that nike, adidas, walmart, old navy, gap, that employ millions of third world country inhabitants and I quickly stop feeling sorry for myself. These corporations have children working 12 hour days, 6 day weeks, with 2 breaks. If a kid tries to take an extra break, they get beaten. They live in 9x9 foot cement cells and eat rice with salt 2 meals a day. If a women has her period in the middle of her shift, too fucking bad. These people do not have the luxry of tampons. These women wrap a scarf or sweater around their hips to hide the embarassing blood stains. Many families make a choice between them or their children eating every day. If you tip over a carosine lamp, you probably won't be eating for 3 days because something so small would create a huge financial tragedy.

So if I get rejected by a girl that I ask on a date, score a bad mark on a test, or my parents "yell" at me... Guess what? I don't feel sorry for myself. You, and everyone else that made a post on this thread has no fucking reason to feel sorry for yourself ever.

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Hi SpecialInterests :)

I understand what you're saying because it's the viewpoint most of us are raised with, which is why I wrote this post. ;)

Your not feeling sorry for yourself doesn't help those children in any way at all. What it does do however, is reinforce low self esteem and self worth. I suspect you're not going to accept that (I may be wrong of course ;) ) because I get the impression from your post that you're very passionate about your belief that those who aren't suffering as much as others have nothing to complain about, and this is very strong programming in a lot of us, so I'm not trying to convince you to agree, just explaining what I mean in my post above.

If, in being tough on himself, a person was thereby making the smallest improvement to the experience of even just one of those children you mentioned, then I would be writing a very different post lol.

The way you treat yourself has no effect on the millions of people suffering in the world. For that, there are causes and organisations to donate to, volunteer for, and even start up from scratch.... but the way you treat yourself only has an effect on your own beliefs, your own self esteem, self worth, feelings of deserving and behaviour... and in turn, of course, on the people around you.

The "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, there are others much worse off than you!" was a tool introduced by parents who didn't know how else to handle their children. They used that "logic" because it was the only way they could think of to make their child "snap out of it and get on with it". They didn't realise that showing the child Compassion and Acknowledgement is the fastest, most effective way to help them to "snap out of it and get on with it". Because the child has received Acknowledgement and Compassion, he's able to let go and move on.

But if he's given the message he has no right to feelings of compassion and sympathy and his feelings are not acknowledged, by being told to "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, there are others worse off than you.." the message being programmed into his subconscious is that he has no right to express his feelings... which can result in suppressed feelings... which can result in subconscious resentment, rage and any number of other things... which then come out in a variety of ways which are seen to be issues in themselves, instead of symptoms of programming the basis of which is "I'm not important."

And this "logic" which is based in low self esteem and low self worth of "You have no right to complain when there are so many others so much worse off than you." has been carried down from generation to generation, like many other things, and because it's been programmed into them as children, those who keep that belief, program it into their own children ... and so the legacy of low self esteem, low self worth, and beliefs of undeserving continues...

Showing Compassion and Acknowledgement to yourself, in the same way you would show it for someone else you care about, can only have a positive effect on you and those around you - if, as I said, you do it right ;)

xxx

I agree with both sides, you can't over-indulge yourself because things could almost always be worse. But a little time to "feel sorry" to just understand that you are having a hardship maybe spoil yourself for a little bit and work your way out of it..

Not mope around and complain about how everything you own sucks and how awful your job is but when something serious bothers you ignoring it and saying other people will have it worse will end up just repressing the issue...

Hi Juroara :)

I think you may have misunderstood what I meant by "Feeling sorry for yourself". As I mentioned, what I'm referring to is Compassion + Acknowledgement - feeling (not thinking - feeling) the way for yourself that you would for someone else you care about.

Most of us are raised to be tough on ourselves, to treat ourselves harshly. When something happens that makes you feel bad, if you just force yourself to feel better - in other words, you force yourself to push away the "bad" feelings and feel better (and many people who are trying to work with the LOA do this), what you're doing is suppressing those "bad" feelings - and they WILL come out in some other way.

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Thats the difference between thoughts and emotions. feeling sorry for yourself is a mental action. not an emotional action. feeling sorry for yourself are THOUGHTS.

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I disagree. Feeeeeling sorry for yourself - is a feeeeling. ;) "Thinking sorry for yourself" would be thoughts ;)

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1. "my car is crappy"
2. "my job sucks"
3. "my friends suck"
4. "I'm fat"
5. "I'm ugly"
6. "I'm a loser"
7. "I hate my life yatta yatta yatta"

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You're right, these are thoughts - but they're not "Feeling sorry for yourself" The thoughts may create negative feelings, but the thoughts are not what I'm referring to.

What I'm talking about is illustrated in this example:
If you get hurt by someone, and you begin to feel sad, and you tell yourself to snap out of it, and you force yourself to not feel sad, there's a message you're giving to yourself. If a friend you care about had the same experience, and they told you about it, you would (presumably) show them sympathy and compassion, and you would (presumably) acknowledge their feelings and what had happened.

The message getting programmed into your subconscious is that your friend's feelings are important and valid, but yours are not and you don't have a right to them.

Whereas, if you treat yourself the way you'd treat your friend - with the same sympathy, compassion and acknowledgement - like your friend, once you feel your feelings have been validated and acknowledged, you will then NATURALLY move up the emotional guidance scale.

Hope this helps to clarify.

xxx

This is really bad advice. People need to learn self control, not let there every whim control them, which is why you shouldn't live in the moment or for the moment.

I think people don't need other people to tell them what to do, definitely when it's about emotions and toughts. Those are private. If I feel something then I don't need some idiot to tell me that I shouldn't.

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I think people don't need other people to tell them what to do, definitely when it's about emotions and toughts. Those are private. If I feel something then I don't need some idiot to tell me that I shouldn't.

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Depends what you mean.

Anyway, people need to start thinking for themselves. Think for yourself.

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Originally Posted by wendylove

Depends what you mean.

Anyway, people need to start thinking for themselves. Think for yourself.

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What do you mean by "depends what you mean"?
And yes, I think for myself. Thank you for reiterating my point.

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What do you mean by "depends what you mean"?

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Well, if your thoughts are about killing people, then I don't think you should keep them private.

You have a point :D