I wasn't sure exactly where to place this.
I've often been asked "why" I injure myself. It seems counterproductive, illogical and insane to most people. There are as many different reasons as to why people self-injure as there are people themselves. For me it's always been about 3 basic things: Control, self-discipline, sanity.
I couldn't focus in school, so at about 7 years of age I noticed (quite by accident and even then I didn't grasp the reasons entirely) that when I jabbed my nails into my arm or gums the pain got rid of all the jumble in my head and let me concentrate more. I never drew blood (except for my gums and then very little) and I never drew attention to myself. I didn't even really put 2 and 2 together until I was older.
When I was about 13 years old I so thoroughly detested how my parents behaved that I vowed I would never be like them (constantly fighting, belittling, verbally/emotionally abusive, gossips) that I then started cutting myself as a way of retraining bad traits. When I would cuss, I would get 1 lash, if I made someone cry I would get 5 and such. They were never more than "cat scratches" and always easily hidden.
When I was about 16 I became intimately familiar with rage. I had retrained myself too well and all my emotions stayed pent up ready to explode. Self-injury was the only thing that could clear my head and calm me down. (As in the joke about someone's head hurting so another person stomps on their foot.)
I didn't have any proper role models growing up. No one taught me how to cope or deal with things, so I taught myself. It's the only thing that's kept me alive in my darkest hours.
And I never told a single soul about my secret. My first husband found out by accident and he threw a major fit. My second husband found out when I finally opened up and he said if he ever found out I was still cutting he would divorce me. That made me quit for awhile, but then I just became better at hiding it.
Then, I found my religion and a semblance of peace and I didn't self-injure for over 5 years. Last year changed all that when I was excommunicated (rightly so) from my congregation and then trouble started brewing with my kids.
And last year I finally did tell my kids my secret. My 13 year old daughter was going through an extremely emo stage and started cutting herself. After talking to her on the sly and trying other things to deter her, I finally said: "You're just being a drama queen. If you cut yourself where the world can see, you WANT attention." She told me I didn't know anything about what I was talking about and I told her otherwise.
It's not something I advertise nor am proud of... but neither am I ashamed of it entirely. The few scars I have, I view almost as trophies of war- I went through something bad and survived.
It works because it's fast. The pain releases endorphines (sp) into the body that relieve stress and it's highly addictive because it's instantly gratifying. I could get the same results from exercising, but it's a habit that's hard to unlearn- especially when my mood is in total chaos or I'm too depressed or out of sorts to even breathe let alone walk.
Since last year though, I've been getting away from standard cuts and have been giving myself scarification tattoos. One is a butterfly, the other is flames beneath the butterfly.
But my doctor has been trying to get me away from it completely and he told me to write instead. On the way home I was seething but wrote...
"Creativity is not a source I seek
My mood in words I wish not speak
I want only now to blunt the pain
So I'll seek instead my secret shame.
I need to stop the voice within my head
That screams my faults and leads to dread
That makes me toss and turn upon my bed
... "I'm my own worse enemy," I've often said.
I am not driven by anger nor by tears
It's not even to silence my so many fears
Self-control is the issue that tears me apart
... Perseverance that's killing the life from my heart.
A simple cut quickly calms me down
When in despair I'm sure to drown
Right now I need that stable ground
To keep my world from spinning 'round."
That's what I thought of his idea lol- but it worked. I was so busy writing that it took my mind off my inner turmoil.
Sorry about the essay, but that's the answer to "why".
Any other questions- fire away. It's something I now talk about on the internet and with extremely few people. A lot of people think it's an act of suicidal ideation when nothing could be further from the truth. Generally speaking, people who resort to this in secret have learned no other coping skills and want very much to LIVE but to live with peace.
