Scared of My Free Will, Paranoid-- Help!

[Loaf]

I get scared of my freewill sometimes. Like right now. I was watching this scary thing of a fire in a club. I'm alone at home for a few days, family coming back tomorrow night. Suddenly had a horrible thought if there was a fire here, how it would ruin my life and be horrible and we'd lose everything. Then I thought about how right now, I could get up and set fire to everything. I don't want to, I'm just scared of the idea that I could. I went to the kitchen to make a drink, saw the matchbox in the cupboard, held it and just thought "How pathetic. I never would, ever. Its not even a possibility." and found myself trying to put the matchbox somewhere awkward because I became worried I'd sleepwalk and cause a fire. Its a horrible paranoia. Am I going insane or what? WHAT CAN I DO. D:

[Maria92]

Eh, we all have those spontaneous urges to do something absurd, or consider a bizarre idea for a split second. See someone hot walking down the street, once in a while randomly think "I could rape her and nobody would ever know," and then realize how awful and stupid it is, then feel bad for even thinking it. Such is life. I sometimes plot out robberies. Random thought of "I could steal from this place," then sort of entertaining the notion, going through exactly how I would do it, just for fun. Of course, I never act on these thoughts, because to do so would be fucking stupid. Murder is another fun one to contemplate. Or revenge. How would you fuck someone up? Good way to vent stress as long as you never actually follow through.

[Loaf]

So your saying its okay to just let it pop into my mind and then just let it pass? I know I wouldn't act on it, it'd be insane, but its like... a small part of me contemplates it just as an exercise in free will. I wouldn't and I won't, I just get scared I can even think it and that only my will stops me. Thank goodness. Just scaring me a lot right now, I do this sometimes... I spend so much time being philosophical about everything, suddenly sometimes its crashes on me.

[ty4TheAdventure]

My guess is that you don't completely trust yourself. Not many people do, from the way I see the world. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't perceive the world as being this great big ball of evil, depression and negativity either. I just believe there is a lot many of us can learn in our lives and hopefully we'll grow and mature for the positive. But back to my point. If this is the case and you aren't trusting yourself, it can be an awful feeling. But realize one thing- your reaction to this is fear of the worst case scenario. You, on some deep level, KNOW what you truly want to do and don't want to do. You KNOW how you can easily make various decisions in your life. And you KNOW how these decisions can lead to a generally positive or generally negative experience. Now, taking all of this into account, what will you do? Will you go through with what you already know are bad decisions? Will you cause yourself needless suffering? Or will you spare yourself from this and enjoy your life? The way I see it, your desires and your will aren't entirely rooted in your conscious mind. Sure, emotion and other deep-level indicators of desire often seem to contradict what we consciously want. But those contradictions generally arise when we ignore what we truly want. You won't make these bad decisions when you're sleepwalking because you don't want to. You perceive it as this thing that you associate fear and dread to. Unless on some deep-level you actually wanted to do it, it just won't happen. It'd be like subconsciously hurting yourself, but to a much greater degree. And if you did want to do this on some deep-level, you'd probably want to tackle your problem from a completely different perspective. At that point, it stops being an issue of free will and starts becoming an issue of your satisfaction with your current lifestyle (and that can always be improved for the better ). You, on all levels, are in the driver's seat navigating through the infinite decisions on the road of life. I love analogies, metaphors and whatnot... I'm not an expert on psychology or anything like that. I am only speaking from the experiences I have personally lived through. Maybe this can help in some way.

[Solarflare]

The name of the title is a subforum, why isnt it there? Anyways many people get these thoughts sometimes, I always plot ways to hack my bros facebook or brutally beat up someone I hate. I won't, but you get the idea. The same thing occurs with setting a fire to your house, you imagine it, but you wont do it. Everyone fantasizes about these things. Its normal, but getting all worked up about it like its a big deal, well you shouldnt, because its not

[Zhaylin]

I've done this as well. If it starts interfering with your life, it could be OCD. But just a random instance isn't anything to worry about. You could also be using visualization to help cope with a fear. When I have to drive a lot, especially in winter, I always find myself fantasizing about crashing and then my brain makes me face a load of possible options. When I face each of them, the anxiety diminishes or goes away completely because I've already "lived through" each scenario in my mind and have a plan (no matter how bizarre lol) But then I think of being randomly snatched up by the cops and asked to take a lie detector test. I fear I would fail such a test on so many levels because I've thought about doing so much and in such detail I think "well, what if I did more than thought" Like you: what if I was sleep walking or out of my mind or something I HATE such thoughts lol because I DO have a touch of OCD and serious anxiety problems, so it's not a simple matter of just "getting over" the thoughts. They disrupt my life to a slight degree *sigh*

[Loaf]

Thanks for the response everyone. I did used to have what I believed to be OCD, I'd do really stupid things at one point for example, if I walk into a room through a door I'd have to walk out the same one or else I'd imagine a big string on my back that would wrap me up and get tangled and if I thought about something bad when touching an object (usually when I was tired) I'd have to keep touching it until I naturally thought of something positive. Plus the usual being paranoid with where things are (like precisely having my laptop on a table in the right position). I never had it diagnosed because I hid it, I eventually got over it by just forcing myself to ignore stupid things like that and I haven't really don't anything strongly OCD for years. The difference here though is that, I'm not picturing things that I'd want to do but wouldn't (like attack somebody I hate) but rather something I don't want to do. I think perhaps Phantom, suggesting I don't trust myself, is a possibility. But I'm not sure why. :c

[ty4TheAdventure]

The difference here though is that, I'm not picturing things that I'd want to do but wouldn't (like attack somebody I hate) but rather something I don't want to do. I think perhaps Phantom, suggesting I don't trust myself, is a possibility. But I'm not sure why. :c Distrust in yourself is not really a medical problem as much as it is the result of the way you view yourself relative to the world around you. There are many ways you can change this view for the positive. Depending on how deep the issues or problems run can determine how long it takes to get from where you are to where you want to be. I'm speaking in very general terms here as my experience with improving myself and my perceptions may be very different from the experiences you have been through and are currently going through. If you value the opinions of others more than you value your own opinions, that could be a place to begin. That's where my experience sort of rests in because I used to be in that place (or in that mindset, so to speak). I'm not talking about apathy being a good thing, I'm simply throwing the idea of self-value out there. This can also get tricky, because when I accepted my old mindset, I also thought I was hot shit and smarter than everyone around me. Yet I believed in their perception of me. However you could be going through something very different, and that's probably where my experience would end and pure speculation would take over. Plus, I don't want to get very deep into the topic right now, as it might not be relevant at all.

[Loaf]

Yeah its definitely different, I've very opinionated. In fact I run a student magazine at my school where I regularly cause shit for controversial views, that even sometimes cause arguments and debates between staff.

[LSDgarfield]

I have these Urges all the time, but dont let the mget in control of you, see them as a funny aspect, like, "haha I'd like to, but i'd never beat the hell out of that kid with a Vacuum cleaner " or something like this... :/

[Supernova]

I know what you're talking about, I've had this happen to me a number of times. I'll be in a situation and I'll suddenly realize that, although I would never do it, something terrible is technically possible. Like for example, I'm not sure if this specific one has ever happened, but I'll be holding a sharp knife and suddenly realize, "if I somehow wanted to, I could literally kill myself with a single motion of my arm, holy shit.", and somehow just the fact that it is possible scares me, even though I know nothing could possibly possess me to do whatever thing it is. It's odd. Usually I just try not to think about it and it goes away.

[Invader]

You should take a few minutes to read up on the effects of testosterone on decision-making. There's a reason males make up the landslide majority of criminals.

[Zhaylin]

That's just the thing with OCD- sufferers tend to obsess about things they DON'T want to, things they KNOW won't happen or are unlikely to, behaviors that make them uncomfortable or fearful. The thing that helps me the most is telling myself: "Shut up brain, I don't want to hear it." And then I make a conscious effort to redirect my thoughts the instant I start obsessively thinking about something. It takes a lot of work, but it can be done. Also, distract yourself- play a video game or watch a movie (reading is good too if you can concentrate enough to do so). Bedtime is the hardest, which is why I think I always "rock" myself by pushing my feet against a wall or my mattress. Eventually, a rhythm develops and I pay more attention to that than my thoughts and I fall asleep.

[sharkanana]

I think most people have these scary thoughts from time to time. Especially the ones that deal with self-destruction. I've experienced the knife thoughts, car crash thoughts... One really annoying one is when you are talking to someone and you think of something you could say to them that would utterly destroy your relationship with them. Its awful.

[Loaf]

One really annoying one is when you are talking to someone and you think of something you could say to them that would utterly destroy your relationship with them. Its awful. YES And the worst part is, I feel bad for even thinking those things because I don't really believe them but I know if I say it it'll fuck things up and would hurt them so much.

[DpsBob]

I'm happy I found this thread. I thought these weird thoughts were some unique little psychotic abnormality of mine. I guess we're all a little bit crazy!

[mooseantlers]

I get morbid thoughts like that every so often. Just dont take them seriously, because you know who you are and that you would never do it, a thought is just a thought unless you act on it.

[auburnDistrict]

I get scared of my freewill sometimes. There is no "free will." Only MY will. Seriously though, I have had this feeling before too, and it mainly occurrs when I am behind the barrel of a gun. The notion "less than 6 inches from my fingertip lies death" is very disconcerting at times. The firearm is perfectly safe with proper use, but what if the "touch-the-electric-fence-just for a second!" mentality went to far? I, and we all must, dismiss these thoughts on grounds that we are all rational people and wouldn't do such things. The more one thinks about it, the easier it is to slip or lose concentration in a dangerous situation.

[Arra]

I've gotten the feeling before too. Usually it's considering that I could just take a knife and stab myself right now, or kill my family. Or that someone could have a gun and shoot me while I'm on a walk or something. Of course I never would, and someone else killing me would be so unlikely it isn't worth considering. But the thought that it is possible in real life sometimes scares me. The only time it's become a serious problem for me is imagining that it's technically possible that someone I love will die soon. I've been brought to tears over the fact that it's a possibility, no matter how small the chances are. On a side-note, what's with your sig!?

[Xei]

Sure I've had thoughts like this too, but you know really you'd never do them. You're just confusing your visualisation with your intention. Try to actually do it. You won't, and if you think about it, really you know you won't.

[Alric]

OCD comes in two parts. The part where you do little rituals because you get a nagging feeling something isn't right unless you do it, and the part where you get sudden thoughts of strange things you have no intention on ever doing. I think everyone has it to some degree or another, usually just very rarely will it happen. If its mild and harmless you ignore it, and if it comes with a high degree of anxiety then it goes into OCD category. Since OCD is an anxiety disorder, its classic OCD to worry over the fact you might do it, even if you know you wont. I can tell you though, you absolutely wont, there is zero chance of it. People don't act on those random thoughts.

[Original Poster]

[Oneironaut Zero]

I can't get through the whole thread at the moment, but I'll touch on what I think was kind of the central concept that people seem to be agreeing with, here: To let even the sickest possibility pop into your mind is not wrong. It is not something you should be ashamed of. It's actually a positive sign of awareness. You need to be aware how fragile life is - how easy something is to destroy. You need to be aware of the evil possibilities in this world, and how people will be affected by them. The only way to gain this awareness is to accept these truths as truths. The only way to do that is to actually take the time to ponder over them, and consider the possibilities. 'Just not acting on them' is the important thing, here.