My gay dream journey

I guess I am sort of an exhibitionist here, always laying out my private dreams. Hopefully, I am not the forum equivalent of a nudist running in the city streets for all to see... Sometimes, it's nice to know there is more than just the thin fabric of my clothes to protect me from the outside world, that my naked skin is strong enough on its own. Then, hopefully, the moment passes, and I can put a shirt back on and feel powerful as if wearing an armor from Arthurian legends.

As a disclaimer, I will discuss things that can be uncomfortable, so discretion advised (but mostly, it's just difficult to read and follow).

As it is, I am bisexual. The way I perceive it, I started with a seed of heterosexuality and a seed of homosexuality. They both sprouted and forever they have been growing, all intertwined, both different but relying on the other for support. Though they both budded multiple times, neither ever bloomed, and I forever waited kind of confused as to what will come next. Thus, I relate to grey sexuality, or the asexual spectrum for both.

I have discussed my main negative heterosexual dream theme before; dreams of unhappy dream relationships. Learning to have a sense of love for myself and others, and from others, and to have a sense of agency in my... future romantic life... has put an end to these dreams. And I now enjoy a few rare passionate dreams of sensual pleasure with women.

Now, I thought I would share my homosexual dream journey. Dreams have played an important role in waking me up to my truth, and I’m not sure I would know I’m gay without them or be gay the way I am now without them.

Phase 1

I need to contextualize that my homosexuality manifested at puberty, but in an unhealthy context, after two years of subtle "sexual" "abuse" from... the other kids. Nothing traumatic or traditional but well... enough to disorient me. At the time, my homosexuality would have been better described as the eroticisation of envy for masculine status (or eroticisation of perceived abuse?).

In my dreams at the time, when I would spot an attractive boy, I would chase him out of lust, never able to catch him.

This lust was kind of mirroring my in-real-life erotic envy for boys with status and paired with painful shame at my perceived inaptitude as a boy. It was a negative and painful feeling.

It therefore makes sense to me that the boys in the dream were appalled by me and I played a predator role (despite being very unlike a predator in real life).

Phase 2

It took a few years before I noticed some feelings I had were gay. I slowly became more comfortable with my masculinity and nurtured self-worth. I also tried to transfer to it some of the way I felt in my heterosexuality. The feelings of sensuality and romance. This was difficult and barely worked at all. Yet, as my gender identity and self-worth grew stronger on the spectrum of confidence, the nature of my dreams changed. Men were no longer appalled by me. Yet, my childhood “abuse” still affected the nature of my gay dreams. In those dreams, I would be submissive to bad men. I remember such a dream where I sexually submitted to a bad powerful man who barely regarded me as an object. After, I found a wise woman in a clearing in the woods. She seemed a confident woman experienced in sex and relationships, though probably not completely happy either. She sat on a stump and looked at me with melancholy eyes. “You deserve better than this” were her only words. Then, she left me to reflect...

This last moment felt particularly powerful. You have to realize, after any such gay dream, I felt violated. I did not feel emotionally or sexually attracted toward the men in real life, only just envy. And the male image was a turn on for me during self-pleasuring. But, I never fantasized about submission or being treated as such (or any interaction with a man for that matter). It was disconcerting that my dreams would put me in situations where I willingly degraded myself. This women’s kind words felt like there was a way out somewhere in my unconscious mind. Some way to self-respect.

Phase 3.

I tried and tried. To love myself, to be confident in myself. To believe in myself and to value myself. It took so many years. I also tried to embrace my homosexuality but it never felt right and no man ever entered my life that made me feel love, butterflies, blood rush, or any sort of cute or perverted feeling. And no woman either. And so I just tried to fight all my anxieties and despair. And life just seemed to get worse and I reached a point where I had no hope left. I felt I had lost it all. So, I put all the walls down and I reached out for help. Slowly, hope and happiness seeped back into my life. At the time, I accepted my sexuality as asexual and decided I could be happy all on my own. I felt strong.

In my non-erotic dreams, the evil monsters that persecuted me no longer scared me. I no longer ran or flew away. I approached them and submitted to them seductively taking them by surprise, though they were more monsters than men. I felt very confidant during these dreams, yet upon waking up, a bit violated. And despite identifying as asexual, even openly to others, there was another reminder that there was something gay in me that I could probably not ignore.

Given the nature of these dreams, I finally confessed to myself that what happened to me as a child must have been interpreted by my brain as abuse and now taken control over my sexuality. I used to think the context of all that merely had created my homosexuality. But then, now, I was accepting that I would have been bisexual anyway and the “abuse” along with my older shame problems only served to tarnish my homosexuality, which would have been beautiful otherwise. It felt so frustrating that such small things could have such permanent effects on me and that in the end, I had to become responsible for the actions of others onto me.

So, I played with the dream fantasy of submission, as a type of active imagination therapy. And all the while being submissive, I owned up to that this was erotically stimulating for me, despite what it was. And I also summoned a state of self-worth, confidence, control, hope, admiration, love (lots of states, I know). This helped me take control over the “abuse.” And doing all this, the natural progression of things was always that I was free. Free to not be in that situation.

I mean, it’s all complicated, but I’m trying to keep this short in vain… Anyway, in the end we get to…

Phase 4

After all this work, I still didn’t feel gay but I did have more self-respect and control over my perceived childhood abuse. So, I haven’t experienced violating gay dreams since. Yet, this is the beautiful part I guess, where my homosexuality started to sprout, trying to reach at me, become known to me. Like a pure homosexuality baby sent out for adoption after birth just now coming home as a strong grown kid, now that things are better.

I had a dream where mutual friends tell me I need to go on a date with a man. He will commit suicide if I don’t give him a chance. I am uninterested but I non-committaly accept to go on the date, planning to become friends.

In another dream, I am sitting with a man on my lap. We are talking with a woman and I feel neutral. The man tells me about how much he loves me. To prove it, he brings my hand to his heart. I can feel it beat and I am convinced he loves me. His heart skips a beat and then goes too fast. His heart beats out of rhythm. And he passes out of a heat attack. Alarmed, I bring him to the hospital.

It’s interesting how the dynamics in my gay dreams have changed. I used to be the one going after uninterested men, now men come for an uninterested me. So obviously, the journey isn’t over.

Phase 5

Because my dreams keep reminding me of my gayness and because my straightness has still not been fruitful, I spent the last year coming out to family, relatives and friends. Coming out was not a freeing experience for me. Every time I did, I actually ended up feeling straight during that period of time, making me very uncertain that I was even gay at all. On top of that, my family forbade me from being gay otherwise we would not be family anymore. So, lots of confusion and obstacles but I only know one way to go. Toward strength, truth and optimism. So, after my fourth time coming out, I finally started feeling like I could identify with that sexual orientation and now am openly bisexual (though also openly confused).

I believe I had a dream recently where I made love to a man. It might also have been a woman, I do not remember. I feel like I can remember both it being one and the other. Regardless, I’m pretty optimistic about mutual love being the new theme that appears in most of my romantic dreams going forward. An also about my bisexuality being healthier and stronger in real life.

I felt like sharing this story because well, this experience has made me feel so alone all my life, like no one would understand or this was just unacceptable to share with anyone anyway. Dreams were my therapist and they held my hand the whole way. Now that I feel my heterosexuality and homosexuality have healed, I am ready to move on. It just feels proper to share my past and finally let it go.

To healthy dreams!