I hate my brain

WARNING: I put a lot of emotions (mainly fear and sadness) into this following paragraph. Please go to a different thread if you think that might be too much for you.





Last night, I decided to take an old magazine to bed to read before I went to sleep. It wasn't until I got into my bedroom, though, when I remembered that there was a comic strip panel in the magazine that scared me when I was little. I tucked the magazine underneath a book so I wouldn't have to see it, as my memories of fear started to grow. For the 15 minutes before I went to sleep, all I could think about was the magazine. I was very aware of its presence. My thoughts were made worse by a very similar situation that happened a year before, and a fear that it would happen again. I had a short nightmare that followed, which involved me opening a magazine, and finding a picture inside that resembled a picture that traumatized me when I was little. I won't say what this traumatic picture is named, not because I really badly don't want to be reminded of it, but because I don't want anyone else to go and look it up. It terrifies me, with all this time I spend on the internet, that this picture, one of the most scarring things I have ever seen, can be easily found with a quick google search. I still have not built up the courage to confront it since. After I saw this similar image in the dream, I was covinced it was the real thing even though it wasn't. All I thought in my head was the words: "I don't want to be here", and I woke up in shock, unable to sleep until I physically couldn't stay awake. I hate my brain. This is the second time this has happened, and it hurts me every time. It was worse the last time, but just the thought that my brain would take a deep traumatic thing like that and randomly throw it into a dream. I don't feel safe anymore. Last time, the nightmare that resulted was scarring on its own. I was lucky it wasn't as bad this time. The worst part, is that it might happen again. All it needs is the right conditions and it will grow and consume me. I don't know what to do.

You probably already know this to some extent, so my apologies if it sounds obvious:

The fear of the dream recurring is likely to be the main thing that could make it recurr. Naturally we can become obsessive about our fears and this is generally counter-productive; you need only look out the window these days to see this in practice.

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Calm kind of has to be practised and it has to be consciously asserted. The most important thing is to really convince yourself that the fear doesn't make sense and that you can overcome it as soon as you want to and as soon as you are ready to. You may think you're never ready to do so, but you will be. In recent years I overcame a phobia I had my entire life, so I am utterly convinced that we can overcome any fear if we put our mind to it, and hope you will be so convinced too. Be realistic too, and accept that it takes time to deal with these mental things.

In your particular case, I think there are two potential avenues to start with while awake: you can start by either finding this comic strip that scared you this time and analysing it and seeing why it reminds you of this other traumatising picture and trying to distance yourself from your fear bias of it while you do this, or you can get rid of it and essentially "delete" this specific physical trigger... Personally though, I know I'd try the first thing, because knowing myself, if I threw it away I'd still have a vivid enough memory of whatever the other picture is anyway, especially with a fresh reminder like that, and it's not going to be a specific trigger being gone that solves the issue.

I think I do have to ask, the traumatic picture in question, if it's so easy to find, I am struggling to think of what type of content it could be... Is it extremely violent or inappropriately sexual or some combination? I can't think of anything like that can be found easily without even knowing that it's there in the first place. Or is it nothing of that sort? But again, if you have to go looking for it, then that should be a reassuring thing, because it means that you're not likely to just see it by accident anyway.

You know, there are smells that remind of some traumatic events in my life, but you know, I thought those smells were nice before any of that. So I don't want to let one bad experience ruin what has always been a nice thing for me. I make a mental cut off of the bad thing from the thing I like. It takes time, but it's completely doable.

Let me go into a bit of detail here. The comic strip picture in question I have only a very vague memory of, and the little fear I remembered wasn't even that bad. It was just some weird illustration of a person on a stage with thier head grotesquely inflated. I do find it strange that I can't seem to find the same comic strip that I remember, though. Most of this was caused by my mind taking the smallest bit of fear and spiraling it out of proportion. I have been able to overcome some fears and traumatic things of the past, others not at all. I fear that confronting the unnamed picture that I mentioned in the last part of this would do more harm than anything. When it comes to something like that, I have no idea how to deal with it. It's not a physical object. In this situation, the comic strip did the least damage. It just started a chain reaction that resulted in bad nightmare related to something that did a lot more damage in the past.

More detail is good. Before I add anything else, I think I should ask, did you make the post with any specific outcome in mind such as just as a rant of sorts to feel better or for seeking some advice on dealing with this?

It sounds like you do already have experience on how to deal with fear and expectation issues so I’m not sure if I can give much practical advice that isn’t too broad/generic. Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m guessing you’re mostly feeling frustrated by this issue then?

And I suppose confronting isn’t always the correct answer, no, though I think it does depend a lot on when the confronting is happening relative to the original “when” of whatever an issue is. It could be you’re past the stage where a confrontation is realistically useful, I really can only make guesses since I don’t know you personally or the issue in detail, but I suppose the thing to consider (which you likely already have to some degree) is that at the very least any trauma can be dealt with in some regard by “simply” accepting that it happened. I emphasise the simply because I know none of this stuff is ever simple.

Edit: And sorry, realising I maybe sounded a bit short, which wasn’t my intention at all. :)

I intended this post as sort of a mixture of feeling better about it/rant/advice. The majority of the intention is to feel better about it, though. Letting others know about something that troubles you can often make you feel much better about it, and I find most of the fear associated with those troubling things expelled when I do so, especially nightmares. A big part of it is a rant, but more of a fear-based rant. I'm angry that my mind does things that spontaneously cause fear.

I think you need health professionals/therapists to help with your situation. Reaching for help could be the toughest decision a person could make.

Yeah, I think you're probably right. There were well over a dozen different things that traumatized me to some major degree, and while most of them are from media(movies, tv shows, video games, etc), some were threatening my life. Although seeking help is a good idea, it is one of those things I really can't convince myself to do, at least not in person.