When a nightmare becomes a blessing

Hello fellow dreamers....

I've been lurking on this site for sometime now and felt the urge to post after a personal breakthrough last night. I am hoping with your help, I will be able to take charge of my life with the assistance of dream recall and analysis.

About last night...
I had a very unusual nightmare where things were really getting out of control. I've had 1-2 lucid dreams while in control since I've visited this site, but I had no awareness this time around. I dreamt an invevitable scenario where 2 old aquaintences named George and Julio would die a tragic death and there was nothing I could do but watch.

The dream unfolded as a reunion of old friends of some sorts and there were individuals from my childhood and teen years. I am not currently close with any of them except one, my friend Cedric. As familiar faces came and went, we ended up getting split up into groups who would be assigned to have a reuninon at an assigned resort. I ended up at Marriot with some old high school friends.

Knowing the outcome in the back of my head, I found myself all of a sudden being chased by a few gangsters similar to types I've encountered in high school. I started riding a bike and pedalling through a park as fast as I could. No matter how fast I pedaled, I could not outgain them. (This should have been my indication to start attain lucidity. ) I eventually found a clever way to hide. Ive lost them for now.

The setting moved to a very large house with country-type architecture. George and Fernando (who swapped roles with Julio in the dream) were not lucky as I. They were beat up pretty bad and could barely walk. A few more friends became present and all of us felt endangered. The gang members started looking in the windows of the house and it was pointless for all of us to try and hide. They came in through the front door and we felt helpless. They communicated to us that they were looking for certain individuals and started checking ID's (another silly event that should have triggered lucidity). I knew they were looking for my 2 friends mentioned earlier, George and Julio. I was also afraid they would recognize my last name and choose me to beat up on. Whenever some was out of line, they would get slapped or beat in someway. Out of nowhere, my old friend with a history of trouble, Charles, walked in the front door and was immediately stabbed. Some of the women screamed in horror as the knife went in his side. Being the fighter that Charles is, he started defending himself by taking out a butterfly knife and stabbing one of them. Unfortunately, he was immediately stabbed again in the back. The screams grew louder. I remember myself considering rallying my friends to fight them, but I never gathered enough courage. I looked upon the tragic events with great fear. More of my friends would die a tragic death. I never saw the outcome -- I woke up very dissapointed in myself for not helping or controlling the situation better.

I considered re-entering the dream with full control to defeat the gangsters and re-write the outcome. However, I was dominated by self dissapointment that I was not assertive once again. This lead me to analyze the dream and better understand myself. I ended up choosing not to re-enter the dream but rather reflect upon it.

Here are a few events and my interpretation of their meanings:

Old friends = I've been longing for the good times spent with them. I've always felt there was not closure with the ones I've lost touch with. I miss them greatly.
Gangsters = I've had tons of bad experiences with them. I associate them with nothing but trouble.
George, Julio, and Fernando - I've recently experienced (2) friends die a tragic death at a young age which were self-inflicted. I fear for many of them I've left behind. They simply never grew up. I often get mad at myself for not helping them along.
Cedric - he is an old friend that I still keep in touch with. He was present a few times when I had run-ins with gangsters. He was always helpless because of his size.
Charles - he is a figure that has re-entered my life in a somewhat negative way. He is an individual who is always too preoccupied with everyone's perception of him and has a bad drug habit. His appearance most likely represents my concern for him.
'Pedalling' away from the bad guys - I often have a dream where I am chased and cannot outrun them. Most likely the result of feeling constantly hurried along in life. As a new father, it seems I do not have time for anything.
Lack of action to help friends out - I feel helpless in my current life. I often worry about my family's financial future, my career, my marriage, etc. I do not know where to go for help nor do I feel I am capable of taking control. I am constantly dissapointed in my lack of assertiveness.

Realizing the above made me see life in a whole different way. The drive to work this morning was not just another one. I saw thing more vividly and could think more clearly. It was a Matrix-like (the movie) feeling where it felt like I could see more than anyone sleepwalking through their morning.

If only I could see and think this vividly. My sight and thinking is often narrow and clouded with anxiety. It never feels like I am living in the present.