Need to convince myself I deserve lucidity

I've lurked on/off DV for years and have yet to have my first lucid. When I was really obsessed and fascinated with the idea, I did about 100 reality checks a day for a week or two, which brought a couple false lucids, but not conscious awareness. My dream recall is typically pretty good.

Anyway, I can't do that again as it's just exhausting. I always feel like 10-20 RCs a day would never carry over into the dream state.

The point of the thread is that lucidity sounds amazing, but I can't shake the feeling that I don't deserve it. It may have to do with my constant low self esteem and that's hard to change. As if being lucid is something that's too good for me.

If anyone has an opinion, feel free.

Low self esteem is not a reason to be unable to not lucid dream. It doesn't matter if everyone in the world hates your guts when you dream because your dreams belong to you the same way your eyes and ears belong to you. Remember that they are yours. A false lucid dream actually sounds like perhaps you were actually lycid long enough to realise you were dreaming but then got pulled back under? Try naps with something on like those guided meditations. Don't focus too much on making it through, just use it as a way to bipass all the usual head noise we get. Try it whenever you nap. Also just before you wake up when youre just sozing on and off. Aslo, tou can redirect all that frustration you have into having control once you do catch a lucid thought in your dreams. Ive never used any given method as its never been hard for me but I think thats only because I had such bad nightmares as a child I had to learn out of self defense but one you've even had a small second of lucidity hold on to that because it's progress and be excited because you will get better at it :)

The fact that you have good awareness but no lucidity during your dreams leads me to believe that you're caring too much about what's happening during your dreams. If you care too much about what happens during your dreams, it keeps you from thinking critically during them. For example, if a monster came in your bedroom door, you would be more likely to become lucid if you were indifferent to it than if you screamed or otherwise placed a great amount of emphasis on the monster.

I think you should actively try remain an indifferent bystander rather than an active participant at night. Try to avoid the emotions that are clouding your ability to think critically.

I think this is why people often have their first lucid dream after quitting trying to have one. Their new indifference to what happens at night carries over into their dreams and allows them to think critically during them.

Stop trying that mutch atleast its helped for me to reach over 5 - 8 lucids

You do deserve lucidity. After all, YOU are in control of your life and dreams.