Slump

Ive been in a horrible slump lately. Im not sleeping right. I am extremely stressed out and depressed. School is wearing me down along with many aspects of my social and family lives. I have been on a major drinking and smoking binge for a while now too. I havent gone a single day in about 3 weeks without drinking, smoking, or both - and not just for fun, to get fucking wasted.

I have had almost zero dream recall besides my last LD. I had a horrible dream last night that woke me up in tears. I feel so mentally unhealthy with my troubled sleep and lack of dreams.

So last night, I found myself dreaming about a party. It was apparently my ex g/f's house.

First, a little background on her. I never had a real relationship, and we were together for like 5 months. She was my first love. Between jobs and school, it got extremely difficult to see each other (on top of living about an hour away.) My car bit the dust, and it was unfair on her with gas and everything to come all the way here. Not to mention we are probably both going to be out of state for the summer (divorced parents.) It was a mutual breakup, but it has still taken its toll. I think of her every single day.

So, were at this party, and she is completely wasted - stumbling around, stuttering... We aren't exactly together at this party, but she keeps reitterating how she still loves me. Shes been all over this random guy all night, though. I walk away for a moment, and as I walk back, she's heading into a bedroom with this guy. They shut the door and lock it.

I start freaking out. Im half crying, half angry as hell. I pound on the door, but nothing happens. I walk away, and strangely enough - her mom is in the party. Ive never seen or met her mother.

Her mom explains that her daughter still loves me, and the whole family likes me too, so I should go get her. I rush back to the room, just as the door is opening.

Theres a bathroom right to the right side of the doorway. My ex stumbles out. In the background, standing up from the bed, is the guy. Buttoning up his pants.

I snapped out of the dream with my heart racing. I was horrified. I seriously laid in bed crying for a while.

This shit is taking its toll, big time. I dont know what to do. I think I need sleeping medication or something. I weened myself off anti anxiety meds about 3 months ago, and kinda miss them right about now. Do i need to see a doctor or what?

I think i just need to get out of this slump and find a new girl or something. Ive never been hung up on someone in my life, and i just wish she would go away. I wish that that procedure thats in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind existed - so i could just erase her from my memory.

Help, anyone...