How lucid dreaming has changed my life
I'm at a point in my life right now where I don't care if I ever have another lucid dream.
My dream self and waking self have merged and at first it scared the shit out of me. In your dreams in order to do anything you need confidence, you need to believe in your self 100% or you're going to fail. Well, my waking reality I felt the same I just didn't care what other people thought because I knew in my dreams I was hot shit. Well, my dream self and my waking self have crossed and at first it scared me so much that I had a panic attack and committed myself because I never cried so hard in my life.
I thought I was going to construct a reality and it scared the shit out of me. My mind was like, wiped. I was like a computer that lost all its programs but still had its operating system, I needed to reinstall the programs. My mind started racing and it couldn't stop.
I told the shrink and he gave me pills and those pills scared the shit out of me. When the nurse told me, "these pills are going to slow down your thoughts." So, I took the pills and thought, "how do you slow down thoughts." I went to sleep and I was crying, like a baby, because my thoughts wouldn't slow down. I just kept thinking and it felt like I was thinking for 6 hours. I checked my watch and only 2 hours passed and it hit me. They slowed down my thoughts in an objective sense, they slowed down my perception of time...
6AM came around and I didn't have one dream, I was thinking so much that I completely forgot about SP, its funny too because when I first went to sleep one of the things I did was focus on the hypnopagic(sp) imagery but I would just think about it too much.
Anyway, I feel now like Dr. Nash in a beautiful mind, I see things that aren't there, and not in a literal sense but a figurative sense but what I mean is narratives. I see the subtext. The most basic example is, "roses are red, violets are blue." The old me took that at face value but my new though process thinks, "what about white and pink roses? And isn't violet purple? Well the truth is I've never seen a violet so how would I know."
Everything has new meaning to me, songs, movies, books, video games. Right now the most profound song for me is White Room by Cream, the popular one(4min long, not 2). Because it's a complete construct of reality, at least that is my interpetation. Just listen to the first line, "In the white room, with black curtains, near the station, blackroof country, no copayments..." you can see how I interpeted it as a construct of reality.
Anyway, what did lucid dreaming do for me? It told me what subjective really means and what objective really means.
And now, I must be honest with you. I've only had five lucid dreams in my life and the last one was in 2006. If you've read my recent posts you'll see me giving advice, I made all that up, that was the old me. I lied to myself about lucid dreaming for so long that I actually believed I was lucid dreaming and when I finally came to that thought I think that may have been what broke me, there are actually alot of things going on in my life and maybe the stress of it all broke me... /shrug
Anyway, every one of my previous posts I made up on the fly... except for the ones that were posted before I recently came back. I came here back in early 2006 because I wanted one of my dreams interpeted, and no one gave me any feedback. The reason I'm so honest because now I believe I've broken everyone's trust and they'll never trust me again.
The real truth though? Everyone who read my posts may have taken it to heart and didn't know I was lying to them. In their mind I probably was telling the truth. So by posting this I actually haven't broken anyones trust until right now, I hope you see the conundrum. But I had to do this for myself. I feel like I'm in a 12 step program and I'm doing that step where you right the ones you've wronged.
Anyway, I'm talking from the heart here and if YOU don't trust me I fully understand.
EDIT FOR SUMMARY: Oh, and it's really changed my life because I'm honest now, almost too honest for my own good. I'm an open book that is trying to close.
My mind has been freed and I now see the significance of the line in the matrix, "ignorance is bliss." Because I do want to go back, but I know I cannot.
