Hey there, I'm Warmessiah, and I'm in a losing battle with my subconscious.
Alright, so a friend of mine showed me this... very interesting site and suggested I posted my dream experiences on it, since I seem to have this interesting case of semi-lucidity in my dreams.
A bit of background information - I'm 16, Male and I have bipolar disorder with frequent manic/depressive mood swings and occasional panic attacks and psychotic episodes. I don't take any medication and never have, and even though I've heard that mental illness can manifest itself in odd ways in my dreams, I don't know how my bipolarism plays into these dreams.
When I had dreams as a young child I had extremely violent and disturbing dreams, including some recurring dreams. The main theme of these dreams was being chased or pursued by something, whether it was a malicious character or presence, or something completely harmless. In all of these dreams, the presence would instill a great sense of terror and dread in me, akin to my panic attacks. The dream would only end once my terror had climaxed; usually, when my pursuer would catch up with me. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, terrified, sitting in my bed for hours, too afraid to go back to sleep. I even had brief periods of insomnia, where I wouldn't go to bed at all for fear of encountering these nightmares.
These dreams occur much rarer now, but I've found an odd change in the theme - Even though I'm pursued, it's more and more by something which isn't evil at all. I recall running away from something down a local neighborhood street, and turning around and only seeing a bunch of schoolchildren playing on the road. More and more I'm beginning to have these huge terror and adrenaline rushes, these panic attacks, within dreams, where there is no logical explanation within the dream why I should have that. It's almost as if my subconscious knows how I will react as soon as I feel afraid, and as such it doesn't even bother populating my dream-world with anything terrible. As soon as I get scared, I run, and I get even more scared. It's something I can't help, and I need to bear until the end of the dream. These days I know that I'm dreaming, and even though I do wake up with a huge rush, I know how to cope with it better, and sometimes I don't even remember the dream by the time I wake up in the morning. All I know is that I had 'one of those dreams' again.
I've always fancied myself a bit of a lucid dreamer - Having such horrible nightmares when I was little forced me to try and change them any way I could. I discovered the knack of committing suicide within dreams when I was 5 or 6, and began to do that, realizing the huge adrenaline rush there was enough to wake me up.
By the age of about 9 I experienced my first truly lucid dream, and was able to break out of the regular mantra of running away from a scary presence by simply wishing I was somewhere different. What would have been another nightmare turned into a happy dream as I wished up companions to chase away the nightmare.
However, after a few weeks, or months of using these techniques, I began to realize that they were no longer successful. When I tried to commit suicide in my dreams, I'd wake up either in another nightmare, or back in the same nightmare in the same spot where I was about to kill myself. When I'd imagine characters and companions so I wouldn't be so alone, I somehow inexplicably became split off from them anyways. When I did basic reality checks, such as looking for certain placed objects in my room, or checking clocks, objects would appear, or I would check the time on a clock (it would be nonsensical, like saying it was 2 AM when it was midday), the time rectifies (in the example of it being 2 AM, I'd suddenly look out the window and it would be night).
Over time, I just learnt to go with the dream, and I learnt very subtle reality checks that I could use. Most of my dreams are lucid up to some point (I'd be able to move about, change the environment around me) but are constrained. I have a very odd way of asserting my lucidity, too. If I think hard about something within a dream, even if I know that I am dreaming. However, by suggesting something or thinking about something related, I can change the dream's environment to a degree.
For instance, most of my dreams are set within a distorted version of my local neighborhood with few characters, the layout and general architecture/atmosphere being similar but major landmarks being totally different. Let's say I was in a dream about my neighborhood and I realize I'm dreaming. If I want to go to another city and dream I was there, I couldn't, but if I for example noted to myself that the weather was crisp and clear, like a Mediterranean summer, I'd suddenly realize that my street was filled with Italian architecture or buildings, giving a very European impression to the place even though it was still my own neighborhood. Likewise, if I wanted to be in a big city, I'd suddenly catch skyscrapers in the corner of my eye in the distance. I wouldn't always be aware of these changes, and I may think that something I changed was still part of the original dream environment until I was reminded that I changed it myself.
I have a very good degree of self-control in my dreams, but usually an impulsion to do something (usually go somewhere) which cannot really be controlled. So even if I have a small degree of flexibility, I find myself unable to go against the dream's main 'objective', so to speak. When I do consciously realize that I'm following the dream along, I realize I feel intimidated by my dreams and follow the dream nevertheless, afraid to turn my dream into a nightmare, as often happens when I battle with my dreams in this semi-lucid state.
Most of my dreams tend to be extremely atmospheric, with few acute, memorable details. I rarely tend to have other characters in my dreams, and usually, when I have nightmares, these characters disappear totally, leaving me all alone. From what I heard about dream guides, I feel that I do occasionally have them in my dreams - Sometimes I have characters who, without lucidly wanting them to, do sense impending danger along with me and who do even sometimes aid me.
Lately, over the past few months, I have been remembering fewer and fewer of my dreams, and even though many of my dreams still are accompanied with a terror/adrenaline rush, this means that I am lucid in fewer of my dreams and barely remember them. I never really believed this idea of being able to lucid dream 'on demand', or even lucid dream completely. I haven't tried lucid dreaming yet - I'm pretty apprehensive, considering how resistant my dreams are.
If you guys have experienced anything similar or know anything that could help, please reply. I do want to be able to enjoy my dreams again, instead of just bear through them and try to forget about them.
